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Today I learned my best friends fiance violently hates me and has said he refuses to have me at their wedding let alone in it.

I'm curious how he has developed such a seething hatred for me after meeting me once for 30 minutes.

My guess is it's because he knows I see through his lies, his controlling behavior, his using her and manipulative behavior, his abusive tendencies, and that I call them out every single time she mentions them to me. She may be deeper in denial than anyone I've ever seen ever but that doesn't stop me from pointing it all out when she mentions it.

My guess is he sees me as a threat to the very fragile life destroying leeching system he's set up with her and that's his problem with me.

And he should be scared. I told my mother flat out that if he lays a hand on her I will go to prison for ripping his asshole out and shoving it down his throat. I don't care if she hates me for the rest of my life I won't stop pointing out that he is a vile piece of shit and I will carve him up if he becomes a threat to her health and safety.

LadyAlyxandrea 8 Apr 16
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8 comments

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2

I mean, you can't save people from themselves.

At this point it's pretty clear. You've all set up this situation in such a way that she's going to be forced to pick between you.

You may not like who she picks. I've yet to find a good way to tell a friend that someone is wrong for them, much less some of the things you say. Maybe you've done all the right things, but I've seen this movie before. I know how it ends.

I can only say I wish you the best of luck in getting through to her. Because if she cuts you out of the wedding, make no mistake, there's no going back from that. If you've got a hail mary play, this may be the time to toss the dice.

2

At some point you may have to accept that she's not going to listen to you. You may risk alienating her by constantly telling her what is wrong with him. Rather than telling her about HIM, ask her about HER reactions to what he does. How does she feel when he does x, y, or z? How would she react if YOUR significant other did that stuff to YOU? She may feel compelled to defend him, so just telling her he's an a**hole isn't going to work. But getting her to think about how she feels about it might work. (Sorry, I don't know how I turned the BOLD on so I don't know how to turn it off!)

0

My family learned the hard way with my niece that when someone is in love with a person as well as the lifestyle that the person seems to promise them, that love is blind, deaf, and dumb. My niece fell in love or whatever with a much older man who already had kids from a previous marriage. He presented himself as being rich and he was handsome and well-mannered when I met him once, but my father was quickly skeptical of this guy due to his age and being divorced while my niece was just out of college and in her early 20s when she met him. My father doubted that he had the amount of money that he implied he had or that this guy was serious about ever marrying my niece. But her parents were quite taken with this guy for a while, until the engagement he said he wanted with her kept being postponed..

Long story short, my father was right and he turned out to be a bum and a fraud who really wasn't wealthy and he kept stringing my niece along about the engagement. So for a few years after she got out of college and turned down a job offer from a firm that would have put her thru grad school for an MBA on their dime, she spent those years instead traveling with this guy and living the high life off of her savings. He dumped her right after she ran out of money and after she had thrown away her whole undergrad degree and career chances. By this time her parents had already come around on this guy, but it was too late for even them to reach her. She is now living in Hawaii I hear and has little contact with her parents, who are ashamed of her and estranged from her as well. Too bad nobody like you, Lady A, had gotten medieval on this bum before she ruined her life. The silver lining is that at least she didn't get knocked up by this bum...

0

Maybe he's a member here

Considering she's a devout Lutheran and only dates men who put God before everything I highly doubt it, but then he does lie a lot

0

Wow. Hope i don't fall out with you 😉

There are very few people in the world I would go to hell for and turn into a monstrous person to keep safe but for her safety I would become a monster. It would be no different than if someone were hurting your own child, you would rip the flesh from their bones and feed it to them.

He hasn't hurt her yet, but I've lost one friend to domestic violence and the guy is lucky the cops got to him first. If my best friends man ever becomes a significant danger to her physical safety he will wish I believed in using guns.

@LadyAlyxandrea Yes, you're understandably concerned about a vulnerable woman's physical "safety" but she sounds like she's already a goner in every other way and her demise is just a matter of time with this guy. Could be her devout Lutheranism is just another symptom of a doomed mentality. I know a similarly very nice woman who's a devout Catholic -- but not spiritual at all, just devoted to the rituals and appearance of devotion -- and she's been at the mercy of a leech for years. She's been saved from her hospital bed (malnutrition and other neglect) by relatives more than once, and nothing works. Save yourself before you go down with the shit!

1

I'd suggest writing it down in a computer file when you talk to her - with a date on it. You might need to put events together one day to get help through authorities. (You know log it afterwards).
Usually folks in abusive relationships need an 'event' to get out of it.
I'd be surprised if him threatening your friendship isn't a small one.

0

Don't you think you might help her more if you quietly pointed out his aberrant behavior when it occurs, and bring in an example of how it could be better, so she will Think, not just react to your comments? Because for some reason she is Choosing him right now and therefore you are directly attacking Her, making her very Unlikely to listen.

I don't attack him or her for choosing him I just say stuff like "you know that's not good" and "oh"

She knows deep down that it's wrong but I think she's just too desperate for a marriage and family to let it go

@LadyAlyxandrea Gentle admonishments like "Oh, that's so not OK" will only feed her mindfart about him being an attractive bad boy. Time to start attacking him in a big way. Unfortunately, that will do no good either but at least your conscience will be clear. If anyone can persuade her, chances are she will repeatedly take out restraining orders against him over the years and then renege on them as soon as she's in the mood. The woman I know took one weekend to turn 180 degrees from dead set against him and outright insulting about him to undying "soulmate" love all over again. She too was convinced she was going to have a baby with him well into her sixties! She went back to him less than two years ago and she turns 70 next year. That's how deep the delusion will get in time.

0

I am dealing with a similar issue. A family member is involved with a very demanding POS. She always takes his side.
Her head is now full of misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and untruths about everything but what he wants her to do think.

I think he is a narcissist. I think she is in danger.

I recommend you start documenting your conversations. You will need such information when you ask the court for a restraining order, and reports to the police. Provide copies to others as precaution against fire.

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