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A few months ago I posted that my daughter who lives with me she is a good student she's 16 almost 17 years old, how's your boyfriend that's about her age. time ago I started to allow him to spend the night, in my daughter's room. my daughter and I had a Frank discussion about birth control oral and manual sex and intercourse. she is generally a responsible person and I trust her to make good decisions. I was amazed that presumably open-minded people accused me of being a bad parent. some commenters when to call the police,

I have no idea a

crime has been committed. my daughter is welcome to stay with me as long as she likes Even After High School

m16566 7 Apr 23
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8 comments

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You did perfectly!

zesty Level 7 Apr 25, 2019
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I think the tension in all these comments is between the need to be realistic and real and honest with your daughter, while not giving her too much free reign too soon or at least not encouraging her to be in a Big Hurry to Get Serious With Boys such that it serves as a distraction from her overall maturation and development.

The thing is, none of us know you or your daughter so we can't really give you advice because where to draw those lines varies with a lot of factors we're not privy to.

The only thought I'd offer is that while your daughter might be mature beyond her years, she inherently cannot be experienced beyond her years to any significant extent. The average age of marriage is something around 28 these days. The age at which they have sexual relationships is not as high as that, but it's powerful and distracting mojo and I always encouraged my children to put it off and to not be in a hurry.

But they're all different. My 25 year old step daughter has had sexual relationships, but as she's contemplating postgrad work and a possible employment change we're reminding her there's no big hurry to chase her serious BF to Germany and limiting her choices around that. If this is a love for the ages, it will keep.

Meanwhile her 27 year old brother is still a virgin, by choice, and we worry about him ever overcoming his inhibitions and insecurities to even approach women. I think his mother is convinced he needs some sense fucked into him, while I tend to be of the view he needs a woman like he needs a hole in the head, it will just mess with his mind and break his heart in his current state. We may both be right. Relationships are messy like that.

My daughter approaches her relationship with her boyfriend in a relaxed and comfortable friendship way. I have not asked her any personal questions I do believe it's mostly snuggling

and kissing and petting. I know my daughter does not want to get pregnant orand STD she does seem to have a need closeness and intimacy.

@m16566 Yes my wife had a relationship like that from about 16 to 18, capped it off with a vacation to Hawaii, and moved on. They both recognized the difference between a meaningful relationship and one not destined to last forever. I on the other hand never could tell the difference and still struggle with it; I find intimacy without long-term commitment and loyalty to be utterly meaningless. Everyone's different.

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Oy vey

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I think it is great that you discuss sex, and birth control with your daughter (some parents have a very difficult time doing this). I don't think you have done anything wrong.... addressing the reality of teenage sexual behavior is much better than turning a blind eye to it (as my own parents did).

However, one thing to consider is that your daughter is still very young to be in a very serious (sexual) relationship. Part of a young person's learning to make making good decisions for themselves and their future involves learning to be self sufficient and learning to be a strong independent person outside of a serious relationship. Your daughter's home should be her refuge away from the pressures of school/work/friends/boys/etc. To allow her constant contact with a boyfriend could encourage her to be too dependent on the boyfriend/relationship for her happiness, and less dependent on herself. That could lead to her shelving/postponing her own goals for self fulfillment. Just 'food for thought'.

My daughter approaches her relationship with her boyfriend in a relaxed and comfortable friendship way. I have not asked her any personal questions I do believe it's mostly snuggling

and kissing and petting. I know my daughter does not want to get pregnant or STD she does seem to have a need closeness and intimacy.

1

My son's girlfriend moved in with us but shared a room with my daughter when they were 16.
Where she was living was not a safe place for her and I was given temporary custody.

I also provided my children with condoms much to the anger of my daughter's friends parents

I would have let the boyfriend stay over but I would not have knowingly let them share a room.

But I also will not tell you that you are a bad parent for letting them.

1

wow you are very trusting of a teenager and the decisions they make with a brain that is not equipped to deal with long term consequences. On the other hand, my authoritarian parents would not let a bf come over now as a grown adult if I lived with either of them. So there has to be a happy medium somewhere.

when the real-world consequences of their actions are made apparent,

it becomes their choice to be careful if I try to impose my will they would find a way to do what without planning or they would have a plan that wouldn't work it's been a year now and quite honestly I think all they really do is snuggle

@m16566 I don't think that not allowing her bf to sleep over would be you imposing your will so much as you setting rules and boundaries for your household. I would say you telling her not to have any type of sex, the way catholic parents and schools do, would be more akin to you imposing your will. Then again, with all the damn fear mongering done by parents and teachers to me in my teens I didn't even have a bf until I graduated high school. So maybe I am not a good judge in this situation. heh

2

Interesting. I would say at least they are safe in your home and not taking chances in other places and practicing safe sex. Only you know the maturity level of your child...my dad let my boyfriend stay at our house when I was 16. It was not illegal...how does this make you a bad parent when you seem to only be supporting and educating her and simply keeping them close by?

Teens are having sex at the age of 13 in more dangerous places and without knowledge of consequences...now that is bad parenting to me...

when the real-world consequences of their actions are made apparent,

it becomes their choice to be careful if I try to impose my will they would find a way to do what without planning or they would have a plan that wouldn't work it's been a year now and quite honestly I think all they really do is snuggle

@m16566 You seem very attentive and aware of the real world versus any contrived :morality" issues of those who criticize you...I applaud you for your stance and feel that the bond you have created with your child is way more important than those looking from the outside in...just wondering, though, what does your daughter's mother think of this?

Her mother my wife left us about four years ago we don't see much of her she's off pursuing her dreams and I wish her well

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The alternative - not discussing sex with your daughter...is experimentation...then the strong liklihood of an unplanned pregnancy. Then your life and hers is severely disrupted while you make hasty major decisions.

Kudos to you for encouraging wisdom and planning. Girls becoming women have their hormones raging...they will experiment whether you talk with them or not; so I applaud your decision. How would anyone find out about your private discussions with your daughter - and who would have the nerve to call the police on you? Something's not right about your story.

I may not have been clear no one called the police when I asked people's opinion in this chat room that was their response you're right no one knows my business and no one called the police

was there something else I wasn't clear about let me know

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