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You know, Oklahoma and Kansas are pretty easy to pick on. Oklahoma is the F5 tornado capital of the universe, and this is of course, God‘s punishment for gay marriage. This happens even though Oklahoma is one of the most conservative and religious states in the union. God works is mysterious and violent ways. There are also 1.3 million motor vehicles in Oklahoma, but God has decided to disable the turn signals in all of them as further punishment. Go figure.

Oklahoma and Kansas are almost impossible to avoid in a road trip from Colorado to Memphis. Kansas has the distinction of having 3 of the worst motels in the country. I’ve already written about the American Best Value Inn (now thankfully gone) at McPherson, the curry stench center of the Midwest. Kansas is additionally infamous as the home base for bed bugs, the Motel 6 in Salina, Kansas. Yes, I should have known better, but sometimes these horrors masquerading as motels are all there is for a weary traveler.

The motel in Wellington, Kansas is advertised as a Wyndham, but is actually a dilapidated and seedy Travelodge that Wyndham acquired. Like I say, I should have known better, but the $58 per night was enticing, and I have had good luck with Wyndham Inns. The Wyndham was brand new, but to my dismay, the clerk pointed me to MY room, which was across the street. Across the street was the Travelodge and trouble started right away as I could not get the keypass to open my door. After summoning a 3 ft. tall Guatemalan housekeeper, who dutifully showed me how to wriggle, twist and manipulate the ancient keylock, I gained access to my “room”. Don’t book this motel if you actually want to sleep. Not only was the bed small and uncomfortable, but this flophouse was obviously a favorite landing place for tweekers and drunken weekend redneck parties. I mentioned the shower debacle on Facebook. When I complained to the 11 year old motel clerk, he replied that my room was a Handicapped Room. Really? For handicapped midget turtles?I just left in disgust.

After leaving that shit hole of a motel in Kansas I decided to save a little time off for my trip but taking the Oklahoma Turnpike which goes through Tulsa. Even though it cost a few bucks I had the vision of a nice smooth road going from Kansas to Arkansas. What I actually encountered made me think I had already arrived in Memphis. This turnpike was paved in theory only and the shoulders and medians were overgrown. $11 later I approached the city of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Now, I try to avoid Tulsa for this reason. The “turnpike” runs right through the middle of town, and when I tried this 5 years ago, going east to west, the interstate dead-ended right in downtown with no detour signs, nothing. It took me the best part of an afternoon to find someone literate enough to direct me away from this horrible city. Now surely, after 5 years this would be fixed. Nope. Going west to east I encountered the same thing and was dumped out off the highway into downtown Tulsa. 3 GPS apps and a State Farm Road Atlas are no match for Tulsa. Fortunately I found a parked police car and asked for directions. I’m always diligent about not having any “offending” Obama, Clinton, Atheist or ACLU stickers or decals on my car, just for encounters like this one.

I was mercifully directed away from this turnpike horror towards I-40 with about a 20 mile detour. Never again. Never again will I go anywhere near Tulsa. I don’t care if there was a resurrected young Elizabeth Taylor in Tulsa, lying naked on a bed with the winning lottery ticket in one hand and a bottle of viagra in the other. Just, no.

The trip back from Memphis to Colorado was pretty uneventful. There were horrific rainstorms and your typical stifling heat in Arkansas, but nothing really unexpected. I did enjoy a delicious juicy bison burger at The Big Texan in Amarillo while watching some fool fail miserably trying to conquer the 72 oz. steak challenge. Fun Fact: A 72 oz. steak dinner for two (non challenge) is a whopping $200. Yes, beef prices have been rising with the devastating floods in the Plains this past winter.

GuyKeith 8 July 13
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12 comments

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1

I never thought Elizabeth Taylor was sexy. 🙂

Oh, my.

@GuyKeith Beautiful and sexy are not always mutually inclusive. Sometimes that voice irritated the shit out of me. Beautiful is not always sexy and sexy is not always beautiful. It is definitely totally subjective. 🙂

@Sticks48 Well, if this isn't sexy, I don't know what is. I don't know which one of these two is hotter.

@GuyKeith Paul Newman, no contest.and I'm not gay, not that there is anything wrong with that. 🙂

@Sticks48 I hear you, he is gorgeous.

1

Your travalogue reminds me of the Charlie Daniels song, Uneasy Rider, about how one needs to avoid the whole South to get from east to west. Charlie sang about going from the Northeast to LA and that next time he was going to go thru Omaha, just to avoid the South. I no longer need to deal with OK or KS anymore now that my younger sis moved away long ago from Bartlesville, OK. Glad I had a place to stay there and didn't need to stop for a night on the way there from Iowa.

The conditions in each state are a testament to what low taxes and limited government will get you. They all vote Repub and get what they deserve....And while we're at it, some parts of Missouri, which is also in the Bible Belt, are not that much better than those two states. I know from visiting people in KC. I do live in part of flyover land, indeed.......

It is tragic, because there is PLENTY of money. Plenty for health care for everyone, plenty for social programs for the poor and needy, and plenty for infrastructure. The money is hoarded by the very wealthy, corporations who pay no taxes, and the military.

@GuyKeith In OK and KS, the money is kept by the minority of the rich residents and businesses of each state, so they don't have to pay for the welfare of their poorer neighbors and fellow citizens. The really rich have private planes, so they don't care how poor the roads or motels are, less the schools, when their kids probably all go to private boarding schools out of state.

2

I hope you've recovered from the trip. I try hard to never drive thru Oklahoma or Kansas.

4

No. Just. No.

Been there, done that, burned the fucking t-shirt.

2

Lol. Now you know what the rest of us were already aware of. Lol

If OK and KS is "Merikas" heartland, I think we need a quadruple bypass. Lol

t1nick Level 8 July 14, 2019

I've known it for years. The deal is that when I drive from Colorado to Memphis, Kansas and OK are almost inevitable. The southern route is not much better (thru Texas and OK) and 100 miles longer. That route also has one of the most notorious speed traps in 'Merica in New Mexico.

@GuyKeith
Which speed trap are you referring to. I travel nortthern and western NM all the time. Rarely get out to eastern or souhern NM. Nice to know so I can avoid. Lol

@t1nick Hwy 87 from Clayton to Raton. It is a wide open 4 lane divided highway, but it is a work zone the entire way even though there is no work going on. The speed limit changes often from 75 to 55, with little notice. Highway Patrol is all over there for easy pickings. Another bad trap is Hwy 89 going north from Page AZ

@GuyKeith
Thanks for the heads up.

0

Well you will now have something to talk about with your friends, that is if you have any, he, he.

Tough crowd in here.

3

Sorry, but you're writing about this trip is funny, like the Steve Martin and John Candy movie. 🙂

Why be sorry? My excellent and hilarious writing is my burden to bear. Enjoy.

@GuyKeith Well, laughing at others misfortunes is sort of rude but I completely admire your writing talent/ability.

@LimitedLight I'm a writer. Congrats on not getting it.

@LimitedLight Yes, I write things, especially satire. I have written some about travel, like this

[ruthlessreviews.com]

@GuyKeith I especially liked the one about the burger stop and further down the road finding - or trying to find - a restroom. hahahahahahaha

@silverotter11 Yes, the Desert Hamburger Story. I think most of us have been down that road. Not fun.

@GuyKeith Yes, but we can laugh about it. 🙂

5

The god of the christian bible is an irrational son-of-a-bitch who punishes his followers when they refuse to slaughter heretics.

Obviously, the god-fearing residents of the bible-belt aren't doing enough to curtail the heathenism of the rest of us.

JimG Level 8 July 13, 2019
1

Poor Elizabeth....

twill Level 7 July 13, 2019
5

Yes, if "God" is unhappy about abortion and gays, in this country, why did he take it out on the BuyBull Belt? As more restrictive abortion laws were passed this spring, it seems that the weather in the red states got worse.

twill Level 7 July 13, 2019
5

The term "flyover part of the country" isn't some made up derogatory term, it's just sound advise.

Had a stepgrandkid in Tulsa. Sounds like you went to the good part of town. 🙂 Is every church connected to a tavern and every tavern connected to a church there, still?

1of5 Level 8 July 13, 2019

That is the first thing I noticed, i.e. several enormous churches downtown.

@GuyKeith yeah, and there was always a place to sit and have a drink either across the street or next to it. Seemed to be a symbiotic relationship.

4

I know it’s unkind to laugh at your obviously trying trip....but I couldn’t help it! Hope you are safely home again and don’t have to repeat that trip again anytime soon! 😂

It is all part of the lore.

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