You know, Oklahoma and Kansas are pretty easy to pick on. Oklahoma is the F5 tornado capital of the universe, and this is of course, God‘s punishment for gay marriage. This happens even though Oklahoma is one of the most conservative and religious states in the union. God works is mysterious and violent ways. There are also 1.3 million motor vehicles in Oklahoma, but God has decided to disable the turn signals in all of them as further punishment. Go figure.

Oklahoma and Kansas are almost impossible to avoid in a road trip from Colorado to Memphis. Kansas has the distinction of having 3 of the worst motels in the country. I’ve already written about the American Best Value Inn (now thankfully gone) at McPherson, the curry stench center of the Midwest. Kansas is additionally infamous as the home base for bed bugs, the Motel 6 in Salina, Kansas. Yes, I should have known better, but sometimes these horrors masquerading as motels are all there is for a weary traveler.

The motel in Wellington, Kansas is advertised as a Wyndham, but is actually a dilapidated and seedy Travelodge that Wyndham acquired. Like I say, I should have known better, but the $58 per night was enticing, and I have had good luck with Wyndham Inns. The Wyndham was brand new, but to my dismay, the clerk pointed me to MY room, which was across the street. Across the street was the Travelodge and trouble started right away as I could not get the keypass to open my door. After summoning a 3 ft. tall Guatemalan housekeeper, who dutifully showed me how to wriggle, twist and manipulate the ancient keylock, I gained access to my “room”. Don’t book this motel if you actually want to sleep. Not only was the bed small and uncomfortable, but this flophouse was obviously a favorite landing place for tweekers and drunken weekend redneck parties. I mentioned the shower debacle on Facebook. When I complained to the 11 year old motel clerk, he replied that my room was a Handicapped Room. Really? For handicapped midget turtles?I just left in disgust.

After leaving that shit hole of a motel in Kansas I decided to save a little time off for my trip but taking the Oklahoma Turnpike which goes through Tulsa. Even though it cost a few bucks I had the vision of a nice smooth road going from Kansas to Arkansas. What I actually encountered made me think I had already arrived in Memphis. This turnpike was paved in theory only and the shoulders and medians were overgrown. $11 later I approached the city of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Now, I try to avoid Tulsa for this reason. The “turnpike” runs right through the middle of town, and when I tried this 5 years ago, going east to west, the interstate dead-ended right in downtown with no detour signs, nothing. It took me the best part of an afternoon to find someone literate enough to direct me away from this horrible city. Now surely, after 5 years this would be fixed. Nope. Going west to east I encountered the same thing and was dumped out off the highway into downtown Tulsa. 3 GPS apps and a State Farm Road Atlas are no match for Tulsa. Fortunately I found a parked police car and asked for directions. I’m always diligent about not having any “offending” Obama, Clinton, Atheist or ACLU stickers or decals on my car, just for encounters like this one.

I was mercifully directed away from this turnpike horror towards I-40 with about a 20 mile detour. Never again. Never again will I go anywhere near Tulsa. I don’t care if there was a resurrected young Elizabeth Taylor in Tulsa, lying naked on a bed with the winning lottery ticket in one hand and a bottle of viagra in the other. Just, no.

The trip back from Memphis to Colorado was pretty uneventful. There were horrific rainstorms and your typical stifling heat in Arkansas, but nothing really unexpected. I did enjoy a delicious juicy bison burger at The Big Texan in Amarillo while watching some fool fail miserably trying to conquer the 72 oz. steak challenge. Fun Fact: A 72 oz. steak dinner for two (non challenge) is a whopping $200. Yes, beef prices have been rising with the devastating floods in the Plains this past winter.