Agnostic.com

20 2

Hey guys what do say when you meet someone in person from online dating and you are not physically attracted or are no longer interested for other reasons but they are very interested in you? Ghosting is not okay and I don't want to insult them or hurt their feelings.

Lauraleigh39 6 Aug 14
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

20 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

I've never had to turn one away - they take care of it themselves. Usually they discover they're "too busy" or "not ready" for dating. Or, when I contact them again they've "just met" someone they want to be exclusive with.

But consider this: if you don't call her, and she doesn't call you, who is ghosting who? Why is it always the man's responsibility?

0

Just say so! Nothing new!

0

I found I usually just got ghosted. Or if it was my decision I tended to do the same. I find it hard to explain why there is no attraction once we meet. They are often very nice women in many ways, but something just doesn’t click romantically. Of course I have remained friends with others and share their happiness if and when they find someone they gel with. I have pretty much abandoned online dating at this point; in fact I have pretty much abandoned dating in general. Being alone has become quite comfortable foe me. But that said, if I met someone online or in life I found interesting, I would not hesitate to get to know them better. Just last summer my dog and I took a road trip to meet two women I have known online for a while, one 12 years! It was pleasant enough, but neither will be more than online friends. A beautiful woman like yourself should have little trouble finding dates online or in the real world.

1

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. I establish that up front for both of us. When it comes to "that" time... I just say, "We said we'd be honest with each other and, to tell the truth, I don't see a long term connection here. I'm really sorry and I hope you find someone that matches what you are looking for."

2

Just be upfront. False hopes are worse than the initial hurt of rejection. You will hurt their feelings and there is no way to avoid that. Hemming and hawing is may feel nice, but it's really not.

1

To be honest I do not understand your bio. You say you are only here for community only but you clearly want to date and to write about dating. A truly honest real man would not invade your privacy or go against your wishes by contacting you for dating. You are sending the wrong message to decent men who respect your written wishes.

1

Thank you very much for your attention but I do not think we are a good match. Good luck in your search.
Not rude but not vague and sends a clear message.

2

Key words I use:

"No chemistry."

"We don't make a good match."

"Good luck in your search."

3

I thank them for meeting me, but admit that I just don't feel what I need to feel to want to continue ...

While there might be some disappointment on their part (mine too), I've never had a problem.

They maintain their dignity, there's no blame on them, and they feel respected !

3

You met someone else and have to see where it goes.

lerlo Level 8 Aug 15, 2019
1

LL- Thank you for as least asking the ? and thus showing you are more kind and considerate than most people in online dating, who would just take the easy way and ghost. Like skado said below, there is no easy answer. You could do what I do in those rare situations where someone is more interested in me than I am in them and do this: Send them a short message thanking them sincerely for meeting you and point out something positive about them so they feel some encouragement about being dateable in general, but also make it clear that you do not feel they are a match for you and that you are moving on. If they bother to ask your reason or reasons for not wanting to continue to see them or have contact, which is very rare in my experience that someone would ask, I will tell them the blunt truth, since they are an adult and by asking they are implying they are able to handle the truth, so that's what I will give them.

On the face of it, asking the reasons why someone is rejecting you may seem to make no sense or be useless, but, having been on both ends of the rejection situation in online dating, it does make some sense in that otherwise the rejected have no real data or info to understand why they are experiencing so much rejection, a common experience in online dating, and it also helps give the rejected more of a realistic idea who they have a chance with in online dating and who they don't. Which, trust me, can be helpful in such in an otherwise impersonal, mysterious process as online dating is anyway. With so much rejection and ignoring that average looking and most people in online dating experience, some honest feedback can be very valuable and useful, esp. if it concerns something the rejected party might be able to do something about, like hygiene, attitude, what they said or shared that was inappropriate etc..

0

I don’t think there is a good answer to this question. Arranging a date with someone you’ve never met seems like putting the cart before the horse, to me. Online dating is a horrible idea.

I’d rather at least see a person with my own eyes first, and have a conversation in a non-dating context before even thinking about dating. It worked for 200,000 years. I bet it can still work.

skado Level 9 Aug 14, 2019

That is true for most people at most ages, but when you get older and are no longer working it becomes very hard to meet people who are single and of decent health as well as interesting and compatible for hipsters like me. Online dating becomes a necessary evil, as my therapist admitted to me today.

@TomMcGiverin
If it works for you, that’s great.

@skado In almost two years, the answer is that it isn't, but I have little choice. My considerable efforts in the past to meet women organically offline have gone nowhere and offline anyway results in way too few opportunities to have any real chance of meeting someone compatible.

I did i met him briefly at a park and he begged me to date him and tried to kiss me.

Its the only way ill meet people. My life is so busy.

@believeinlove I fucking lied and said Id go out with him again and he tried to make out with me and it landed on my eye. Then i said I had to pee and went into the park porta potty to germify myself.

@Lauraleigh39 a park? Not a coffee shop or bar, a park?!!? You gotta death wish?

@AnneWimsey lol idk maybe do i also like to run at dusk

0

Its been weird for me in these situations. Each time I have encountered this circumstance I seem to have some kind of family emergency...

0

I told a guy I was not looking to seriously date at the time and he'd be better off finding someone else that was (he was looking for a serious relationship).

1

Be truthful,say there's no "Chemistry", tell them you appreciate them as a friend, but not as a romantic possibility,life is full of disappointments,tell them to keep looking,there's a Woman for him.....

0

I would rather just be ghosted. No stress on you, and I really don't need to know the reason.

This is a rare one where we differ, Sticks. Most of the time I don't want to or need to know the reason I'm being rejected, but once in a while, esp. if the woman and I seem to have a lot in common and also share a good rapport in the first meeting, then I do appreciate a reality check from time to time on whether the reason is lack of physical attraction on their part. It has two purposes for me, one, it helps me know if I am trying to date too much out of my league lookswise, and secondly, it lets me know if it really is something other than looks that was the issue. Because, in my experience, looks is usually the issue when a woman meets you and has no interest after that, but they just don't want to say so. That's why I usually assume that unless proven otherwise.

I doubt you get rejected nearly as often as I do Sticks, and thus, you have way less reason to care about the why of the rejection..... Jus' sayin'.

@TomMcGiverin I don't worry about it because it is not going to change the way I look or who I am. If there is no chemistry for them I can't change that either. On here it could be distance or not enough money, well that is not likely to change either. It is enough for me to know they have no interest. It has no affect on my self image whatsoever, but we are all different.

@Sticks48 Agreed, it won't change the way I look, who I am, or even how I feel about myself. But sometimes, I do find it helpful to know how the chances look with more than assumption and to realistically know how close I am coming to finding someone or not over time. Because otherwise online dating is very impersonal and opaque.

@TomMcGiverin I have no real faith in online dating anyway.

@Sticks48 Neither do I nowadays, for the most part, but I keep soldiering on, trying to fake it........

@topdogcarl To each his own. I don't really care why someone doesn't wish to respond to me. Not even a tiny bit. What would be the point. We ghost people in real life, in person all of the time. This place is no different.

0

I'm always very polite and straightforward. Sometimes I schedule a meet with 3 - 4 guys at a bar and choose two for a threesome. I always pay my bill, so I won't ask for any favors. Simple state that all look great, nice , but tonight just choose these people to play.

zesty Level 7 Aug 14, 2019

Well aren't you the lucky one? Must be nice to be so spoiled......

You have some serious game!!

@TomMcGiverin Being an open-minded woman has advantages.

5

Honesty is best. "I'm sorry, but I am not experiencing the same level of connection that you seem to be. I won't insult you by pretending to be more affectionate than I feel, and I truly wish you the best and hope you find love."

Deb57 Level 8 Aug 14, 2019

Thank you.

1

How about kindly saying, "I'm sorry, I have other priorities right now, but thank you for your lovely attention".

2

Be honest, polite and respectful

bobwjr Level 10 Aug 14, 2019

Really don't want to say....im not attracted to you but i think you are nice and funny

@Lauraleigh39 something like that but diplomatic

@Lauraleigh39 it's a problem since you are very attractive so you may encounter it again

@Lauraleigh39 What about saying something a little vague, but still making the intent clear? I'm thinking something like, "I really like you — you're a kind person and you make me laugh — but I don't feel a romantic spark. I wish I did, because I really do like you, but it feels more like a good friendship than a budding romance." Then it's not specifically about not being attracted, but the finality to a romantic/sexual future is about the same. (At least, that's how every woman I've been interested in has let me down gently. 😜 )

@bobwjr Anyone who is above average in looks, which you easily are, will run into this often, so you may as well figure out a strategy that works for you. This comment is for LL.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:388677
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.