In a long time relationships (e.g., my marriage) a miscommunication sometimes occurs. There are various reasons; I shall visit two of them.
- The speaker thinks one thing and says another. Occasionally I've misspoke and heard my mistake. I wonder how often I've misspoke and not heard it.
- The listener misunderstands; perhaps the listener doesn't realize it; if they do realize anything, it is something that does not make sense. There are reasions, including ambiguous words & utterances and hearing impairment.
When a misunderstanding occurs between two good friends, each may fairly say somethIng like this:
- Speaker "Perhaps you didn't hear what I thought I said.."
- Listener "That seems confusing; perhaps I didn't hear what you meant."
It is easy to start an argument about who made a mistake, which is a bigger mistake. It doesn't matter, unless you are looking for a reason to beak up.
Now I know how to avoid this dumb argument. On second thought, best laid plans may go awry.
What do you think.
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9 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button."Perhaps you didn't hear what I thought I said.."
That might still invite a defensive response, particularly from someone whom you've played the blame game with before. It suggests the other person did not listen (properly) to something you've said, and you could very well be wrong about that. I would probably rephrase that one as:
"I'm not sure if I communicated that very well, sorry....what I meant was...."
When you start the backtrack on any communication flaw by suggesting it might be your fault (because it most certainly might be), that helps disarm the other individual, enticing them to be more receptive to your revised meaning.
That ought to be the goal in the first place, of course.
I've never won an argument by pointing the finger at the other person, as far as I know. But I've repaired a few damaged discussions by pointing out and accepting some level of fault for the damage.
Shawno1972
Level 7
Oct 17, 2019
1
Good point.
I often assert that
Words matter -- say what is meant and mean what is said (I don't claim it's easy).
Understanding is typically hard and misunderstanding is typically easy.
FearlessFly
Level 9
Oct 10, 2019
1
For sure, even though humans do it better than any other creature.
Clear communication is so important and so un-sexy. The only way to make sure you've been understood is to have the other person repeat back what you said, but using other words. That's tedious, so use it sparingly.
BitFlipper
Level 8
Oct 10, 2019
2
Steve Martin says to repeat your message three times in slightly different ways.
As a counsellor you get taught to rephrase things to check if that’s what a person means. Then they can clarify their comment if they like, or affirm that you have the correct understanding. (Especially in the Rogerian approach).
I think the main thing is to try and be kind, which can be difficult if you’re tired / hungry etc.
girlwithsmiles
Level 8
Oct 10, 2019
4
The Dalai Lama says to be kind if you can, and that you can always be kind. Sometimes a challenge.Ask for clarification.
@EdEarl thanks, I’m a work in progress, but kind more often than not. Sometimes I’m aware of being less kind due to wishing to be so, but am never malicious.
@girlwithsmiles We aren't perfect, there's no shame in it. It just is.
I think you've really nailed it here. And one way in which we can illustrate kindness toward a person who feels affronted by the misunderstanding is to accept at least a certain level of blame for it. Disarm, offer humility, re-engage with a positive, cooperative approach. A tough set of skills to acquire in this day and age.
You will know that you are in trouble when they start not hearing anything you say. 
moosepucky
Level 7
Oct 10, 2019
4
I had heard years ago that to avoid arguments, especially when things start to get heated, that you feed back 'What you heard from what they said.' Sometimes the person will say, "That's not what I SAID!" Give them the time to clarify. Sometimes they will say, "That's no what I MEANT!" Again, give them time to clarify.
So... I will say, "This is what I heard you say"... If they disagree they may rephrase what they said to make sure it sounded nothing like what I said and perhaps steer them to what they meant to say.
The point being is that we often say things that make sense in out own heads when we say it but it may sound entirely different when it comes out. I have taken this approach many times and it has saved time over arguments and even saved some friendships.
I am only on my second cup of coffee so not sure any of this makes sense. 
RiverRick
Level 7
Oct 10, 2019
2
I'm not perfect, but try hard to avoid heated, sometimes by not saying anything. That invariably starts introspection, analyzing how the conversation went awry, and what can be done in the future. For example, someone say that you said so-n-so, which was not my intent; the wrong thing to say is, I didn't say that," is the wrong answer because it leads to, "Yes you did!" followed by , "No I didn't!" It doesn't matter who made the mistake. It's only important to communicate well.
You make good sense.
@EdEarl "For example, someone say that you said so-n-so, which was not my intent; the wrong thing to say is, I didn't say that," is the wrong answer because it leads to, "Yes you did!" followed by , "No I didn't!" It doesn't matter who made the mistake. It's only important to communicate well."
So then I would say, "My apologies... I didn't mean for it to come out that way! Please let me rephrase."
@RiverRick Even better: "I'm not sure if I communicated that very well, sorry....what I meant was...."
I'm at the point now where I just say something like, "Eh, sorry, I totally botched what I was trying to say. What I mean is..."
Disarm by accepting the humility of the miscommunication. You may even get lucky if the other person recognizes you're accepting fault for their own mistake.
Using "you" as the editorial "you," here.
@Shawno1972 Good points!
Happens in all relationships. Either you said something the wrong way or the listener misunderstood. Always best to clarify, unless you want to fight 
GreatNani
Level 8
Oct 10, 2019
3
There are many ways a misunderstanding can affect us, such as misreading a date, May 31, as May 13. Whether it is a dental appointment, daughter's graduaton, or mother-in-law's funeral have various affects on people. On another scale are Freudian slips, whch may be funny or not; is there a reverse in which tge listener Freudian misunderstands? Moreover, is there a continuum from mmis-(speaking/understanding) and delusion e.g., religion, neoliberalism, and 45.
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