20 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

1. Abusers treat people roughly. They may hurt someone physically (such as pinching, shoving or hitting), or they may break others’ treasured possessions.

2. Abusers make quick attachments and often say “I love you” early on in a brand-new relationship. They realize their ability to connect emotionally is shallow, so they assert control quickly.

3. Abusers have frightening tempers. They blow up easily and make threats. They may mistreat animals. Even if this temper isn’t initially directed toward a partner, violence can turn on anyone nearby.

4. Abusers kill other people’s self-confidence by always correcting them. Others are afraid of making mistakes or saying the wrong thing, so they walk on eggshells to avoid conflict.

5. Abusers cut off support networks of family, friends and coworkers. They seek to become the sole frame of reference and use isolation as a form of control.

6. Abusers have a “mean/sweet” cycle. They intentionally do something hurtful, such as not showing up for a date, then do all the sweet things they did early in the dating relationship. The abused individual hangs on in hopes that this is the end of the cycle. But with each repetition, self-confidence erodes and the abused party’s ability for self-defense is reduced.

7. Abusers say, “it’s your fault,” never taking personal responsibility. This can become an unconscious lifestyle for them.

8. Abusers panic if a breakup is looming. They may cry and plead if their partner tries to leave. They might threaten suicide, going back to old lovers, quitting jobs, etc. All of these drastic outcomes would then be the “fault” of the abused partner.

9. Abusers often enlist the help of friends or family to pressure their partner into maintaining the status quo. They consider the person held under their influence as a “prized possession,” and they work tirelessly to contain their prey.

10. Abusers don’t allow outside interests. They don’t want their partners to have any activities that could be a source of support.

11. Abusers keep track of the abused at all times. They want to know everyone their partner talks to and about what. They keep close tabs on where the abused person goes.

12. Abusers publicly embarrass their partner. They make disparaging comments in front of others to humiliate the abused and also use verbal intimidation.

13. Abusers are never satisfied. One person can’t possibly do everything they desire.

14. Abusers have a sense of entitlement. Others owe them – just because.

15. Over time, family and friends notice the abused partner’s withdrawal. When they confront the abuser or the abused, the abuser prevents family or friends from visiting.

16. Abusers frequently talk about violence or fights. Constant confrontation may become the abused person’s lifestyle.

17. Abusers seem to have two distinct personalities. The abused never knows which one needs to be dealt with. Most healthy people act consistently and have a uniform representation.

18. Abusers often have friends that the abused doesn’t like.

19. Abusers discount the opinions and feelings of others. They’ll tell anyone who disagrees that the person is emotionally disturbed.

20. Abusers make life crazy. Even nonviolent people will start yelling and screaming after spending time with an abuser because they can’t take the craziness anymore.

Excerpt from Break the Cycle: Healing From an Abusive Relationship by Tracy S. Deitz

The list of abusive traits was compiled by Dr. Joseph M. Carver, a clinical psychologist in private practice in southern Ohio.

This book is one of the selections available in the United Methodist Women’s Reading Program.

I read the book at my mom’s suggestion.

When I started the book, I knew I had been in some abusive relationships (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, but never physically), I just didn’t realize the extent of the abuse I’d suffered until reading this book. When I reached this list, the extent became extremely clear. There are several traits listed that matched at least three of my relationships.

One thing the author states early on in the book is that an abusive relationship is not always defined as an intimate relationship. Abusers can be friends or family, too.