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I am posting this video in response to something a friend of mine said to me a few days ago...something to the effect of (don't have her exact words) being scared to fall in love with someone only to find out that they have been loving a made-up/'imaginary' person...that the real person is not as nice/caring/romantic/good-looking as one imagined during the euphoria of courtship... She didn't want to look across the room and realize that, in the end, the 'other' was just a stranger all along.
Why does this happen to us? Well, this video tries to explain our disappointments with courtship and love.

Green_Soldier71 7 Sep 11

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*Based on my observations😘

A relationship/partnership/marriage is possibly the biggest prize you can win in life. Every culture has it's own traditions and standards. Biologically it's about mating. Socially it's about status and economics.

All the rules of competition apply, and the stakes are high.

I can only imagine what it's like when attractive people have too many choices. They so often seem to exercise those choices poorly.


Ok, now I've watched the video. I think I can extrapolate why some get loved and some don't.


Love is a crap shoot. Sometimes , it's true that someone can diminish in appeal as you get to know them better on multiple levels - even turning downright awful.

However - some folks are honest and true, and not only what you first thought - but far better !


I've seen this happen many times with female friends. They get hooked up with a guy that they think is wonderful, and then they discover who he really is and blame him for being himself.

I've told several of them: "you're in love with the guy you wanted him to be".


Great insights and food for thought. People are complicated.

High school sweethearts, my parents talked and laughed every day. That's my role model for a loving relationship.

I love Brene' Brown's TED Talk on "Vulnerability and Connection."



Good video. I was very lucky growing up. My parents adopted me. I always felt special and wanted. I have always compared them to Ozzie and Harriet. Doting and loving and any arguments they had (very few) were always behind closed doors. I complained to them later that they never taught me to argue (which is true.). I am sure this could have affected my previous relationships.

This sounds similar to my childhood environment. Parents discussions, arguments were held behind closed doors, to present a united front to us kids.
I never have felt disadvantaged by this practice. Parents(especially Dad), and other "teachers" gave me argument experience in other venues...

I can elate. idyllic childhood. My parents' marriage wasn't perfect, but I was seldom witness to any imperfections. All that lack of dysfunction left me ill equipped to detect manipulation and manipulators. I was way too trusting. Probably still am.

@Deb57 You and I, both.

Totally opposite for me. Lots of open fighting between my parents, including physical and emotional abuse. If anything, I was very prepared for standing up for myself and arguing with someone if they crossed me. No doubt it made me very reluctant to get emotionally close to women when I was young so I wouldn't get hurt or taken advantage of. Sure was not eager to get married young or ever have kids. Lucky I didn't meet my late wife until I'd had some therapy, got older and stronger, and realized I was not as vulnerable or emotionally weak as I thought. The positive experience of some good adult friendships with both genders helped me learn and experience some positive things about relationships and validate that I was loveable.


That actually happened to me. My husband pretended to be somebody he wasn't for over 17 years. He lied to me about fundamental character traits from the very beginning of our relationship.

Deb57 Level 8 Sep 12, 2020

Been there, done that, had to get counseling, and tests for STD's........


Love is overrated.

People will begin understanding what love is if they can understand this:

  1. Get Disney dreams out of the head, you are now a grown up
  2. You are not Cinderella (men or women)
  3. Relationships are not about rescuing you if you don't have your shit together
  4. Life is not like the movies
  5. You are not special
  6. There is no soul mate. You can't know your soul, nobody will know your soul. There is only a good companion while you get along
  7. Life is about realities - bills, budget, pragmatism, health, personal abilities/skills and responsibilities. The sooner you handle them better, the better will be the payoff
  8. Drop freeloaders as quickly as possible
  9. Your likelihood of getting a good enough match is only as good as your are. Don't expect taller, money, sexy, settled, education, intelligent if you are not any of them.
  10. Being horny and liking someone and someone liking you back is not love

Every society's idea of love is different. Contrary to what most believe love is not universal. Sound love is also not blind. Only immature and stupid love is blind. And yes, it has many barriers:

  1. Language
  2. Culture
  3. Intelligence
  4. Education
  5. Skills level, expertise, career potential
  6. Traditions
  7. Belief systems
  8. Money, financial conditions and status, your income, his/her income, assets, income and growth potential
  9. Physical borders
  10. Race, caste, color, creed, ethnicity
  11. Social class or status
  12. Neighborhood you live in
  13. Family background, parents, heritage
  14. Conveniences
  15. Future plan

Love does not transcend these barriers, although they tell you otherwise in greeting cards and romantic novels. Make no mistake about it.

Do you know what is going to be a paramount factor in relationships to stay together and start a family? - "DNA Testing!" Correct, it was horoscope until now, but going forward it will be DNA testing starting to avoid early deaths, predictable sicknesses, sick children and avoidable agonies and challenges. That is why the blind love that cannot see this is also stupid love.

The concept of love is different depending on all the barriers above. It is different everywhere.

  1. Love in the Western world is built by the capitalists who want to sell you tons of things in the name of love - greetings cards, diamond ring (rock on the finger), wedding dress, wedding registry, food and travel and things, things and things.
  2. Love in India is built largely by Bollywood movie industry. They have dreams to sell. They are dream peddlers full with false love, songs and dances. Every girl in India grows up dreaming to be the actress and dream of having her life like that one day.
  3. Love in African tribes often means being the first wife and getting most cows and goats, getting to welcome the 2nd, 3rd and other wives and getting the most respect from them all.
  4. Love in China or Japan is deeply rooted in cultural traditions. Girls do what pleases their fathers. It is still a very patriarchal society and cultural influences deeply impact how love is defined. (unmarried + teenage + pregnancies of the Western world are unheard of there).

To me, love is only two things when you remove all the ridiculous fog built by other people:

  1. Acts of love - (cook, wash, do dishes, fix her car, pay her bill, clean, take care when sick, care for her young or do anything that the partnership needs - not just what you like)
  2. Physical touch - (kiss, foreplay, sex, caress, assuring tap, pat on the back, lean on shoulders, give a neck massage/foot massage/body massage, shower together).

Remember ridiculous PDA is not necessary to show off to the world. Prove your love in the home first. Let it last 20, 30 years, work on it first. Real love will manifest to the world automatically.

What you should not do:

  1. Don't buy gifts for each other for the sake of occasions. No anniversary, no Christmas, no valentine's day, no mother's day. These are invented by merchants for them, not for you. Also it is a show off and superficial. Buy Treasury certificates and contribute to her IRA instead even if it is $25. Amazon is getting filthy rich because of stupid people. America's savings rate is one of the lowest in the world, it is one of the largest credit money economies and largest consumer economies. We consume and hardly produce anything. If you stop buying and even not buy unwanted things, the economy will suffer. The federal government gives you stimulus to go out and spend money. How do I know this intimately? I do sales and sales taxes collected by week for a living for the 3rd largest states in the country. After the stimulus money, the sales tax revenues went up.
  2. No words of affirmation either. That's correct. No words. It is not necessary. Talk about thousands of other things but don't say I love you and blah... blah.. blah. The problem now is we talk too much and don't do enough or do what it really takes to build a happy life. It is not words or flowers. Start doing things, not saying "I love you" 20 times a day. Don't talk, start doing things.

If you can't do real love, leave. Don't hang on to the partner like dead wood.

If you did not wake up in your '20s, 30's, '40s, please grow up in the '50s and '60s and stop buying greetings cards and gifts on Valentine's day.

Birthday cakes is another ridiculous idea I have seen plenty. I will eat yours but will never make or buy one of mine. Lol

Couldn't agree more!

Good stuff! I have only a couple of (minor) disagreements.

  1. Words of affection are nice. They shouldn't substitute for more substantial things, but if those other criteria are met, why not add some words too?

  2. Birthday cake is yummy, and well worth making.


You grew up here and I can understand and respect the PoV.

But IMHO, we talk too much about love and not do enough. That is my point. I grew up in a land where people do not ever say I love you but I have seen them doing things - real things that produces tons of gratitude - a little in the short term but tons over time and love deepens as it accumulates. That was my point.

Anybody likes a cake should make or buy one to eat. But my point is stop doing birthday parties with cakes. Cakes are not good for you. Medical experts have been crying out loud telling us to not do it. America now counts as one of the most obese countries with also most prevalence of diabetes along with close to 50% divorce rate. Is it not telling us a story?

Maybe on an employee's birthday, others should give up a reserved parking spot for a day? Or clean her office carpet, make her a coffee, do some of his or her work and let her off early? Isn't that better than a cake? Why aren't we thinking like that?

Whether it is love or birthday parties, we all are programmed to think according to how others (society, traditions, parents, government, merchants, the system, friends, colleagues etc.) have wanted. We call ourselves free thinkers. Shouldn't be the ones to who must challenge ridiculous ideas? Free thinking is not just about religion. It is a way of life.


Very interesting. Thank you 🙂


That was an interesting video, and a new way of looking at this question. I'm not exactly convinced, though.

As I understand it, romantic love is (in Western cultures, anyway,) a relatively new expectation. So too is the extreme nurturing that we lavish on our infants (unless I am misinformed?) Could such an unconscious expectation arise in only a few generations?

I think it more likely that the need for "perfection" in romantic love arises during adolescence. Teens are notorious for seeing the world in black and white, for ferreting out any fault, and condemning the whole. Unfortunately, this black-and-white thinking is dominant at the same time that they are discovering sexual attraction.

One would think that we would outgrow such immature thinking, though, and go on to form adult romances with realistic expectations! Or forego romance entirely, and choose pragmatically. Do we idealize young love (despite its obvious pitfalls) because we miss the rush of adrenaline that it used to give us?

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