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I've screwed up again. I started chatting with a guy on a dating site and he seemed nice. Not creepy,said things that I thought were him trying to be funny. After talking to him for a couple days,I've realised he's just not the sharpest tool in the shed. He repeats the same empty phrases over and over doesn't have any serious interests and to be frank bores the shit out of me. I'm going to have to disconnect and its going to suck because I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He seems genuinely respectful and nice. Why is dating so fricking hard? Aaaaaagh. Nice guys don't have anything to talk about and the fun ones all seem to turn out to be dudes trying to cheat on their spouses. smile003.gif

By Blindbird
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67 comments

19

It's not your fault, it sucks.

Caroleanne Level 6 Apr 16, 2018

πŸ˜‚

This! lol

12

Eventually you are going to hurt his feelings. Would you rather it be a little now or a lot later?

GeorgeRocheleau Level 6 Apr 16, 2018

True

12

Men that I have corresponded with don't seem to understand that it's a volley of questions back and forth that keeps an exciting conversation going. Dead on the vine without them! I want to know about them and I want them to know about me whcih requires... questions.

Elizabeth555 Level 5 Apr 16, 2018

@Elizabeth555 Exactomundo! A woman in my area sent a 7-word message that she was interested. Ok, I love to type, so I engage her and respond with a few sentences. I get a 4 word response. That's the end of that. My thinking is that if you don't have the mental desire or perhaps capacity to engage in a conversation to attract a date-interest, what kind of hell would your relationship turn into over time if your partner can't effectively communicate their wants and needs to you, or deal with the heavy lights-out kinds of issues that would arise in your relationship? How would you even get to know someone who responds to queries with the literary equivalent of grunts and snorts? There...I asked you a question. Bwahaha!

Hmm. Questions are a good trigger, but the willingness to self-disclose is an essential. By way of example, somebody else (who shall remain nameless) on here and I are learning a lot about each other by volunteering information about ourselves and respond to what the other discloses. We do ask the occasional question of each other, and provide long responses. We are currently exchanging 20 to 30 messages every 24 hours.

You are correct. When I am on other dating sites and I connect with someone, if I get one word responses and no return questions I see it as a scammer and I usually lose interest at that point. Dating sites seem to be set up with fake profiles that entice people to communicate (seemingly around the time their membership is close to expiring) to get them to continuously re-up.

10

I feel ya. Just let him down gently and move on. There's an interesting loyal one out there waiting for you ❀❀

ashortbeauty Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
10

I feel your pain! I'm not going to tell you to hang in there. Just keep your sense of humor!
I have a local admirer that I can't shake even by being totally blunt. When I run into him he insists I go to dinner with him and told me "Your not THAT bad looking and you're sure a HARD worker!"
Dude you're slaying me. LMBO.

Archer Level 6 Apr 16, 2018

What a charmer that one is!

Sounds like a real winner.

Oh wow. With compliments like that who could resist?

@Blindbird I'm telling ya! It's a small town so running into people is inevitable. Last time I saw him he let me know that it's I didn't want a boyfriend I could still use him for sex. How do you respond? Gee thanks?

@EB80 hard to resist but I'm holding my own!

@kmdskit3 He's dead sincere. I try not to bust out laughing, but it's difficult.

Edited

Wow how did you let that one get away???? "You're not that bad looking" what a smooth talking devil! And he has a personnel department fetish too I'm straight but I think I'm getting a stiffie from this dude!

@Archer I'd be reaching the "Not if you were the last person on the planet" stage myself? That's awful.

@RavenCT I know right? I never lose it but I finally did. He said "But my kids all like you". ( I'm a substitute teacher). I screamed "I LIKE THEM TOO BUT IVE TOLD YOU I DONT WANT A MAN, I DON'T NEED A MAN AND IM NOT GOING OUT TO FUCKING DINNER WITH YOU!

Okay. How about lunch?

@Stevil Laughing hysterically. Can't breathe.

This guy is an emotional incompetent. Yech!

@kmdskit3 Yep. They find me!

10

Well you need to be as honest as possible. It's the only thing to do. Just let him know you appreciate the chats and wish him well. Don't ghost him. Nothing nice about that.
Good luck.

Akfishlady Level 8 Apr 16, 2018

Heard. πŸ’›

Yes, on second thought, this is the better way. Don't ghost him, you are right. It is only I get so many who DON'T read my profile and have this god stuff in there's'. They are the ones to block. I usually tell them why first too...

What is "ghost him"

@Stevil Just dropping off communication as if you vanished. Not saying anything about not wanting to communicate longer or anything really. It's an on line dating thing, people lose interest and just disappear.

@Stevil just stop replying or answering texts or calls all together. It's a pretty icky way of letting someone know you're not interested.

@Akfishlady I would be okay with that. It's better than being told what a loser they think I am.

9

Nah, that's not a screw up, and I should know, I am the expert.
You have gotten to know him, you now know more than you did and you now know he is not for you.
Easy.
You can't help his hurt feelings, that indicates you also know he is immature. Just be honest, don't draw it out.

Rugglesby Level 8 Apr 16, 2018

I agree!

9

I wouldn't call it screwing up...I'd call it 'typical online dating'. Fun fact dating is literally just learning about a person until you either realize you don't like them, or marry them

LadyAlyxandrea Level 7 Apr 16, 2018

Fair enough.

And sometimes AFTER you move in or marry them, you find out you don't match as well... OPPS.

Someone smarter than I told me, (Even), People in love get to the point where one either says or does something the other cannot forgive or one dies... NOW that is the BOTTOM line, no?

Oh crap...I've been doing it wrong...haha....I like them and have never been married...dating fail!

Or in some cases, you like them so much and then they leave you, but you still love them until you find someone else to love, but they'll always be part of your heart

8

Blindbird, no need to chat so long online. Be firm in screening guys about marital status. That's a non-negotiable. And, nice guys have been hurt, too. They need encouragement, not judgement. Two dimentionally, we all look great or suck. It's in the meeting that you find whether the idiosyncracies are non-negotiables or a pass.

And, don't be so hard on yourself...or him. Dating isn't for the faint of heart but I don't think it's what we all make it out to be either. if you're dating with expectations, can you drop those? Dating at its best is about finding a needle in a haystack and that can be exhausting OR you can see it as sharpening your skills, finding out about yourself, interacting with others in a fun, lite OR meaningful way if you let it, one or another needs it.

My one non-negotiable is prejudice: antisemitism and other forms of hate. Otherwise I'm just enjoying being immersed in humanity. Maybe I thrive on variety. And maybe I wouldn't recognize my next partner if they were sitting in front of me because by now I'm enjoying the journey, My journey.

You have a lot to offer the right person. But, along the way, you have a lot to offer the frogs, too. smile009.gif

crazycurlz Level 7 Apr 16, 2018

crazycurlz, have you or anyone you know tried those speed dating events? I have not tried my own self. I have very mixed feelings about the concept. it very well could a real drag. on the UP side, it may be interesting smile001.gif

sounds weird I realize, but as I say, it could be interesting from a sort of a Social anthropology experiment smile001.gif

I keep a copy of my divorce papers in a bag in the car, because I meet too many women who've been burned by that before, especially since I make no secret that I'm still close to my ex... and her fiance.

@ChrisLAbbey Do I need to carry around my wife's death certificate? That would be creepy in and among itself.

@NFAguy53 Honestly, while creepy (and I keep other stuff in my bag besides the papers), it wouldn't be that bad an idea. I wish there was more trust out there, but a few bad apples, as they say. But, maybe a photocopy.

@soylentred I have not tried speed dating. I have a sister who talks a New York minute...she could handle speed dating lol. me...not so much. If you try it...I hope you'll post.

Soylent??? My son's fiance's brother bakes soylent...cake, bars. They're actually not bad. smile009.gif

8

You didn't screw up. Dating in general is a learning process, and you learned that are not compatible with this man.I dated a guy before I met my husband that I met online. When we were online talking he was engaging and intelligent, but when we met face to face he wouldn't say more than two words to me. At first I thought that he didn't like me once he had met me in person, but when we conversed online again he told me how pretty and intelligent I was, and how much he enjoyed my company. I went out with him a couple more times with the same results and then finally invited him to my dorm room for takeout and a movie. I thought that maybe if we were alone he might open up more, but he sat across the room from me, and again didn't talk. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I very carefully told him that it just wasn't going to work. It's never easy feeling as if you are hurting someone else, but if it were me I would rather be told that things weren't working out than not knowing the truth of how the other person felt.

Browneyedlady Level 6 Apr 16, 2018

Some guys don't have a clue how to be romantic. They missed that part of growing up. To shy.

8

Hey, c'mon… I'm not that boring. Sheesh! πŸ™„ (Kidding, kidding… I'm totally that boring.)

Are you sure he's dim and dull? Or is he perhaps nervous and hasn't really opened up yet? I've known a few people like that who were actually quite engaging once you got them to loosen up a little, but they seemed to be a little stupid and uninteresting until they felt that level of comfort.

resserts Level 8 Apr 16, 2018

Eh. I'm pretty convinced. I can be annoyingly verbose in phone convos. Go on and on and on but I can't maintain interest in this dude for ten minutes on the phone.

8

Well, then you didn’t screw up. He did smile002.gif

Aralt Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
8

Maybe either just hide your profile or simply block him... I had a worse experience talking to a guy up until last month for quite a while.

I started to get a 'something is off-center feeling- here', as he was not available for about the same hours, early evening each night. Asked him and he said he worked at home and shut his phone off then because he needed quiet to focus on gemstone cutting.... Oooo---kkkkk... Seemed feasible.

Then we decided to meet in person; I was actually going to FLY there to Cheyenne to meet him.

NEXT: He wants to know IF I have a bank account. I say, of course. Then he wants to know which bank. I tell him stupidly thinking he wants to wire me $ for a ticket but I totally refuse to let this happen, as I am not for sale... and don't want to put myself in appearing same, in any, way, or form.

So we agree he cannot do this as of course I would not give him more into, even IF... he doesn't NEED my bank numbers...

THEN-- he asks me IF I could OPEN ANOTHER account. Says he, dealing in diamonds has a one-time motherload of "Pink Diamonds" plus he is a setter, hmm... I SAY YOU HAVE the WRONG WOMAN. I keep my own finances straight.

Like I am going to--> L A U N D E R??? money for ANYONE. I cut it off ASAP and also reported him to the site. They said they are looking into it-- MAYBE...

Some women really fall for this kind of crap. OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT FOR HIM TO DO TRANSACTIONS, SURE YOU ARE RIGHT if I am completely STOOOOO PPPPP DDDDD. NOT!

For my time, I am staying mostly on here. I pop in on two other sites, which now I am inviting more men to join Agnostics who would FIT here. As I have typed before, the more the better for all, we need choices ~

Don't sweat your conscience, sweetheart-- he will live through it... IF he is true non-believer perhaps send him here? Well, maybe not =;?))

LetzGetReal Level 6 Apr 16, 2018

Oh man that is horrific! Thanks for sharing. It's good to be aware.

@Blindbird Yes, but I changed my answer below and I agree IF you think he is on the level, tell him the TRUTH. That is the fair thing to do... Forget 'ghosting' him. You know what is right.

@Blindbird I don't have any diamonds, but there's this Prince in Nigeria I'm in contact with, & if everything goes right...

This literally made my head hurt? What a terrible person to do that to you? To even attempt to do that to you?

@phxbillcee lol. Nut

That's REALLY scary. Glad you missed the bullet in the end. OMG

@phxbillcee lol

Wow! That story gave me a knot in my stomach. That's rediculous.

7

Girl, you're golden! Dating is about getting to know someone and if you feel you know enough about him, then that's it. We are all responsible for our own feelings and no one you or him are at fault. It just isn't meant to be. Be honest and end it. Then move on. It may sound ruthless but it is how this dating thing works anymore. I heard this somewhere - No means, Next Opportunity. As corny as it may sound, try to look at the bright side. One more obstacle cleared from the path leading you to Mr Right. LOL Ok, I'll stop with the corniness. smile015.gif

BeeHappy Level 8 Apr 16, 2018

Not ruthless at all. Somewhere out there there's someone looking for their idiot, and they're not going to find him if he's distracted by something shiny.

@JustKip, LOL

@BeeHappy lol. You were looking for ruthless lessons, right?

@JustKip, why, are you just the man to give them to me? smile001.gif

maybe I was, @BeeHappy but the moment has passed

Edited

@JustKip LOL, it's all good. smile001.gif

@JustKip I like that.

7

Sorry blindbird...good hunting.

BucketlistBob Level 8 Apr 16, 2018

Thanks

7

😊 I don’t have to worry about that. I send PMs out then I see they come to my profile but I never get responses. I guess it’s like saying "Piss off" only nicer.......

Tony80223 Level 6 Apr 16, 2018
7

Why do I want to apologize for this dude? Given a chance he might try and save your soul, at 4% interest rate.
There is nothing wrong with not tripping over your undies around your ankles and falling for the dude. You're a bright young woman, and he isn't the last guy in the world. Maybe it's online dating that's the problem. Just be happy you didn't go out with him and end up installing a dishwasher like I did on my last date.
He isn't trying to get a green card or money so,at least there's that.lucky for you he hasn't got a longer line of bullshit or you're to smart to fall for it for long.
You're a smart pretty young lady. Patience is really hard in affairs of the heart, don't get discouraged.

Stevil Level 7 Apr 16, 2018

Thanks @Stevil.

@Blindbird if I said anything that helped you are very welcome.

Stevil, you install dishwashers? I've got this problem,...lol. JK.

@Archer I'm not proud of the fact I plumb on the first date, but I do. I love to get nasty on a date. Just under the house in the crawlspace.

@BillyBoy2018 not sure it's all over the place. But can she bake a cherry pie charming Billy?

6

First, repeating the same empty phrases raises a red flag for me and is indicative of a scammer. And they are always very respectful and nice. Are you sure he's legit? Does he give any personal details or is it all about saying funny things or saying romantic things? Second, some guys are just not very good with the written word and that could be the case with him.

Keyboard-Mama Level 7 Apr 16, 2018

Respectful and nice?.... I am nobody any longer, I am a scammer !!!! ( Which is news to me anyway ) @Keyboard-Mama I hope you'll see I am just kidding, ok? πŸ˜€

@IamNobody But I'll bet you don't repeat the same empty phrases. smile009.gif

@IamNobody you were nobody already @IamNobody

@Keyboard-Mama ... Good point... Ufff, feel better already πŸ˜‰ @btroje ha ha ha yup πŸ˜€

6

Yeah it's hard I know. The most difficult part is not making a decision from that place of lonelines and unhealthy need. Peace.

kmdskit3 Level 7 Apr 16, 2018

True. Happily I think I'm over that stage. It sucks to have to hurt peoples feelings though.

@Blindbird If you're a human being with empathy it's unavoidable. Being bothered by hurting others' feelings is usually a GOOD personality trait. smile001.gif

6

I would go with your gut in this but my advice is to not worry about hurting his feelings if you want to move on. I feel like continuing to talk to him, knowing how you feel, will make it worse later.

alphasoixante Level 6 Apr 16, 2018
6

Maybe a casual question like,"Do you slide toward the slingblade? Or shmoooze over to a herb tarlek?"

Lol. If he had a decent comeback for those I wouldn't be bored.

Herb was a fashion icon of mine. I worshipped him.

6

I have a totally awesome stamp collection which you should see. Also an extensive coin collection. And my Dylan bootleg back catalogue is amazing. We should drink some port and listen to it.

Have I bored you witless yet?

Ugh. Dating. Christ in a sidecar, there are few tortures devised in history to exceed the horror of dating.

I'm just sounding off here; I don't have any answers, but at least you quickly worked out he is as boring as batshit, right? That is a good thing.

Oh, I am single, agnostic and I like to cook. Just for your information smile001.gif

Palindromeman Level 7 Apr 16, 2018

Haha. Not at all. People who are passionate about things are awesome. You sound pretty darn cool but Australia is a pretty hefty jaunt. I just can't deal with someone who can't even tell me the last book he read smile003.gif

Edited

@Blindbird Copy that. I signed up to this site with the knowledge I am at the ass end of the world. But at least I knew what was getting into.

My last amazing read? Three Day Road by Joseph Boyden. Some deep stuff in there.

@Palindromeman thanks! Adding it to my list smile001.gif

LOL. Cribbage anyone?

@Blindbird

I guess I’m out. I cannot tell you the last book I read either. I go through about an audiobook a day, but I drive all the time, so I only read this site.

@WizardBill. Dude audiobooks count. You're learning/interested in/ curious about something at least!

@Archer Grew up playing cribbage! smile009.gif

@WizardBill You know audio books still count? You still get the content.

I'd never penalize someone for how they got the contents of a book! smile009.gif

OK. I just love to read, as audiobooks take away some of the imagination by putting voices in place. I just have no time to read.

@Blindbird David Sedaris reading his own work. Hilarious.

@Palindromeman nice!

6

I liked your post, for myself think trying to date on line would be really hard and I would be so unsure about it. I thinik this site has a good thing going with all the different things that everyone post. at least it works for me, some people I could party with. some maybe not. but all and all a damm good group of people.

kenriley Level 7 Apr 16, 2018

I really like the people on here (most of em) but no one I'm interested in is close by smile003.gif

@blindbird That's sad

@Blindbird Ain't that how it seems to go? Give it time!

@Blindbird I don't know if you are a "Greeter" but there are more of us every single day.

Hang in there.

@Blindbird "no one I'm interested in is close by", well that rules me out, I'm gonna suck on an egg....lol

@buzz13 lol sorry man.

5

Too bad all the good guys are really old... lol

Buddha Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
5

You didn't screw up again. You gave it another shot. Chalk it up and just tell him. You got to know him and there's not enough substance to try to build something. Normal people don't enjoy hurting others, but if you stick around his expectations are only going to have further to fall. And yep, dating IS hard and maybe it won't happen again for folks like us. But if you aren't open to the possibility, it's probably even less likely. My only real advice is to not making finding someone the main focus. Just live your life and be open if the opportunity presents itself. And good luck ☺

Philosopearl Level 5 Apr 16, 2018
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