65 28

I've screwed up again. I started chatting with a guy on a dating site and he seemed nice. Not creepy,said things that I thought were him trying to be funny. After talking to him for a couple days,I've realised he's just not the sharpest tool in the shed. He repeats the same empty phrases over and over doesn't have any serious interests and to be frank bores the shit out of me. I'm going to have to disconnect and its going to suck because I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He seems genuinely respectful and nice. Why is dating so fricking hard? Aaaaaagh. Nice guys don't have anything to talk about and the fun ones all seem to turn out to be dudes trying to cheat on their spouses. smile003.gif

By OpposingOpposum
Options Favorite Like

65 comments

21

It's not your fault, it sucks.

CaroleKay Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

πŸ˜‚

This! lol

12

Eventually you are going to hurt his feelings. Would you rather it be a little now or a lot later?

GeorgeRocheleau Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

True

10

I feel ya. Just let him down gently and move on. There's an interesting loyal one out there waiting for you ❀❀

ashortbeauty Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply
10

I feel your pain! I'm not going to tell you to hang in there. Just keep your sense of humor!
I have a local admirer that I can't shake even by being totally blunt. When I run into him he insists I go to dinner with him and told me "Your not THAT bad looking and you're sure a HARD worker!"
Dude you're slaying me. LMBO.

Archer Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

What a charmer that one is!

Sounds like a real winner.

Oh wow. With compliments like that who could resist?

@Blindbird I'm telling ya! It's a small town so running into people is inevitable. Last time I saw him he let me know that it's I didn't want a boyfriend I could still use him for sex. How do you respond? Gee thanks?

@EB80 hard to resist but I'm holding my own!

@kmdskit3 He's dead sincere. I try not to bust out laughing, but it's difficult.

Edited

Wow how did you let that one get away???? "You're not that bad looking" what a smooth talking devil! And he has a personnel department fetish too I'm straight but I think I'm getting a stiffie from this dude!

@Archer I'd be reaching the "Not if you were the last person on the planet" stage myself? That's awful.

@RavenCT I know right? I never lose it but I finally did. He said "But my kids all like you". ( I'm a substitute teacher). I screamed "I LIKE THEM TOO BUT IVE TOLD YOU I DONT WANT A MAN, I DON'T NEED A MAN AND IM NOT GOING OUT TO FUCKING DINNER WITH YOU!

Okay. How about lunch?

@Stevil Laughing hysterically. Can't breathe.

This guy is an emotional incompetent. Yech!

@kmdskit3 Yep. They find me!

10

Well you need to be as honest as possible. It's the only thing to do. Just let him know you appreciate the chats and wish him well. Don't ghost him. Nothing nice about that.
Good luck.

Akfishlady Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Heard. πŸ’›

Yes, on second thought, this is the better way. Don't ghost him, you are right. It is only I get so many who DON'T read my profile and have this god stuff in there's'. They are the ones to block. I usually tell them why first too...

What is "ghost him"

@Stevil Just dropping off communication as if you vanished. Not saying anything about not wanting to communicate longer or anything really. It's an on line dating thing, people lose interest and just disappear.

@Stevil just stop replying or answering texts or calls all together. It's a pretty icky way of letting someone know you're not interested.

@Akfishlady I would be okay with that. It's better than being told what a loser they think I am.

9

Nah, that's not a screw up, and I should know, I am the expert.
You have gotten to know him, you now know more than you did and you now know he is not for you.
Easy.
You can't help his hurt feelings, that indicates you also know he is immature. Just be honest, don't draw it out.

Rugglesby Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

I agree!

9

Hey, c'mon… I'm not that boring. Sheesh! πŸ™„ (Kidding, kidding… I'm totally that boring.)

Are you sure he's dim and dull? Or is he perhaps nervous and hasn't really opened up yet? I've known a few people like that who were actually quite engaging once you got them to loosen up a little, but they seemed to be a little stupid and uninteresting until they felt that level of comfort.

resserts Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Eh. I'm pretty convinced. I can be annoyingly verbose in phone convos. Go on and on and on but I can't maintain interest in this dude for ten minutes on the phone.

9

I wouldn't call it screwing up...I'd call it 'typical online dating'. Fun fact dating is literally just learning about a person until you either realize you don't like them, or marry them

LadyAlyxandrea Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Fair enough.

And sometimes AFTER you move in or marry them, you find out you don't match as well... OPPS.

Someone smarter than I told me, (Even), People in love get to the point where one either says or does something the other cannot forgive or one dies... NOW that is the BOTTOM line, no?

Oh crap...I've been doing it wrong...haha....I like them and have never been married...dating fail!

Or in some cases, you like them so much and then they leave you, but you still love them until you find someone else to love, but they'll always be part of your heart

8

Blindbird, no need to chat so long online. Be firm in screening guys about marital status. That's a non-negotiable. And, nice guys have been hurt, too. They need encouragement, not judgement. Two dimentionally, we all look great or suck. It's in the meeting that you find whether the idiosyncracies are non-negotiables or a pass.

And, don't be so hard on yourself...or him. Dating isn't for the faint of heart but I don't think it's what we all make it out to be either. if you're dating with expectations, can you drop those? Dating at its best is about finding a needle in a haystack and that can be exhausting OR you can see it as sharpening your skills, finding out about yourself, interacting with others in a fun, lite OR meaningful way if you let it, one or another needs it.

My one non-negotiable is prejudice: antisemitism and other forms of hate. Otherwise I'm just enjoying being immersed in humanity. Maybe I thrive on variety. And maybe I wouldn't recognize my next partner if they were sitting in front of me because by now I'm enjoying the journey, My journey.

You have a lot to offer the right person. But, along the way, you have a lot to offer the frogs, too. smile009.gif

crazycurlz Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

I keep a copy of my divorce papers in a bag in the car, because I meet too many women who've been burned by that before, especially since I make no secret that I'm still close to my ex... and her fiance.

@NFAguy53 Honestly, while creepy (and I keep other stuff in my bag besides the papers), it wouldn't be that bad an idea. I wish there was more trust out there, but a few bad apples, as they say. But, maybe a photocopy.

@soylentred I have not tried speed dating. I have a sister who talks a New York minute...she could handle speed dating lol. me...not so much. If you try it...I hope you'll post.

Soylent??? My son's fiance's brother bakes soylent...cake, bars. They're actually not bad. smile009.gif

8

You didn't screw up. Dating in general is a learning process, and you learned that are not compatible with this man.I dated a guy before I met my husband that I met online. When we were online talking he was engaging and intelligent, but when we met face to face he wouldn't say more than two words to me. At first I thought that he didn't like me once he had met me in person, but when we conversed online again he told me how pretty and intelligent I was, and how much he enjoyed my company. I went out with him a couple more times with the same results and then finally invited him to my dorm room for takeout and a movie. I thought that maybe if we were alone he might open up more, but he sat across the room from me, and again didn't talk. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I very carefully told him that it just wasn't going to work. It's never easy feeling as if you are hurting someone else, but if it were me I would rather be told that things weren't working out than not knowing the truth of how the other person felt.

Browneyedlady Level 6 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Some guys don't have a clue how to be romantic. They missed that part of growing up. To shy.

8

Maybe either just hide your profile or simply block him... I had a worse experience talking to a guy up until last month for quite a while.

I started to get a 'something is off-center feeling- here', as he was not available for about the same hours, early evening each night. Asked him and he said he worked at home and shut his phone off then because he needed quiet to focus on gemstone cutting.... Oooo---kkkkk... Seemed feasible.

Then we decided to meet in person; I was actually going to FLY there to Cheyenne to meet him.

NEXT: He wants to know IF I have a bank account. I say, of course. Then he wants to know which bank. I tell him stupidly thinking he wants to wire me $ for a ticket but I totally refuse to let this happen, as I am not for sale... and don't want to put myself in appearing same, in any, way, or form.

So we agree he cannot do this as of course I would not give him more into, even IF... he doesn't NEED my bank numbers...

THEN-- he asks me IF I could OPEN ANOTHER account. Says he, dealing in diamonds has a one-time motherload of "Pink Diamonds" plus he is a setter, hmm... I SAY YOU HAVE the WRONG WOMAN. I keep my own finances straight.

Like I am going to--> L A U N D E R??? money for ANYONE. I cut it off ASAP and also reported him to the site. They said they are looking into it-- MAYBE...

Some women really fall for this kind of crap. OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT FOR HIM TO DO TRANSACTIONS, SURE YOU ARE RIGHT if I am completely STOOOOO PPPPP DDDDD. NOT!

For my time, I am staying mostly on here. I pop in on two other sites, which now I am inviting more men to join Agnostics who would FIT here. As I have typed before, the more the better for all, we need choices ~

Don't sweat your conscience, sweetheart-- he will live through it... IF he is true non-believer perhaps send him here? Well, maybe not =;?))

LetzGetReal Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Oh man that is horrific! Thanks for sharing. It's good to be aware.

@Blindbird Yes, but I changed my answer below and I agree IF you think he is on the level, tell him the TRUTH. That is the fair thing to do... Forget 'ghosting' him. You know what is right.

@Blindbird I don't have any diamonds, but there's this Prince in Nigeria I'm in contact with, & if everything goes right...

This literally made my head hurt? What a terrible person to do that to you? To even attempt to do that to you?

@phxbillcee lol. Nut

That's REALLY scary. Glad you missed the bullet in the end. OMG

@phxbillcee lol

Wow! That story gave me a knot in my stomach. That's rediculous.

7

Girl, you're golden! Dating is about getting to know someone and if you feel you know enough about him, then that's it. We are all responsible for our own feelings and no one you or him are at fault. It just isn't meant to be. Be honest and end it. Then move on. It may sound ruthless but it is how this dating thing works anymore. I heard this somewhere - No means, Next Opportunity. As corny as it may sound, try to look at the bright side. One more obstacle cleared from the path leading you to Mr Right. LOL Ok, I'll stop with the corniness. smile015.gif

BeeHappy Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Not ruthless at all. Somewhere out there there's someone looking for their idiot, and they're not going to find him if he's distracted by something shiny.

@JustKip, LOL

@BeeHappy lol. You were looking for ruthless lessons, right?

@JustKip, why, are you just the man to give them to me? smile001.gif

maybe I was, @BeeHappy but the moment has passed

Edited

@JustKip LOL, it's all good. smile001.gif

@JustKip I like that.

7

Sorry blindbird...good hunting.

BucketlistBob Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Thanks

7

😊 I don’t have to worry about that. I send PMs out then I see they come to my profile but I never get responses. I guess it’s like saying "Piss off" only nicer.......

Tony80223 Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply
7

Why do I want to apologize for this dude? Given a chance he might try and save your soul, at 4% interest rate.
There is nothing wrong with not tripping over your undies around your ankles and falling for the dude. You're a bright young woman, and he isn't the last guy in the world. Maybe it's online dating that's the problem. Just be happy you didn't go out with him and end up installing a dishwasher like I did on my last date.
He isn't trying to get a green card or money so,at least there's that.lucky for you he hasn't got a longer line of bullshit or you're to smart to fall for it for long.
You're a smart pretty young lady. Patience is really hard in affairs of the heart, don't get discouraged.

Stevil Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Thanks @Stevil.

@Blindbird if I said anything that helped you are very welcome.

Stevil, you install dishwashers? I've got this problem,...lol. JK.

@Archer I'm not proud of the fact I plumb on the first date, but I do. I love to get nasty on a date. Just under the house in the crawlspace.

@BillyBoy2018 not sure it's all over the place. But can she bake a cherry pie charming Billy?

6

Yeah it's hard I know. The most difficult part is not making a decision from that place of lonelines and unhealthy need. Peace.

kmdskit3 Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

True. Happily I think I'm over that stage. It sucks to have to hurt peoples feelings though.

@Blindbird If you're a human being with empathy it's unavoidable. Being bothered by hurting others' feelings is usually a GOOD personality trait. smile001.gif

6

Maybe a casual question like,"Do you slide toward the slingblade? Or shmoooze over to a herb tarlek?"

JohnnyThorazine Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Lol. If he had a decent comeback for those I wouldn't be bored.

Herb was a fashion icon of mine. I worshipped him.

6

I have a totally awesome stamp collection which you should see. Also an extensive coin collection. And my Dylan bootleg back catalogue is amazing. We should drink some port and listen to it.

Have I bored you witless yet?

Ugh. Dating. Christ in a sidecar, there are few tortures devised in history to exceed the horror of dating.

I'm just sounding off here; I don't have any answers, but at least you quickly worked out he is as boring as batshit, right? That is a good thing.

Oh, I am single, agnostic and I like to cook. Just for your information smile001.gif

Palindromeman Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Haha. Not at all. People who are passionate about things are awesome. You sound pretty darn cool but Australia is a pretty hefty jaunt. I just can't deal with someone who can't even tell me the last book he read smile003.gif

Edited

@Blindbird Copy that. I signed up to this site with the knowledge I am at the ass end of the world. But at least I knew what was getting into.

My last amazing read? Three Day Road by Joseph Boyden. Some deep stuff in there.

@Palindromeman thanks! Adding it to my list smile001.gif

LOL. Cribbage anyone?

@WizardBill. Dude audiobooks count. You're learning/interested in/ curious about something at least!

@Archer Grew up playing cribbage! smile009.gif

@WizardBill You know audio books still count? You still get the content.

I'd never penalize someone for how they got the contents of a book! smile009.gif

@Blindbird David Sedaris reading his own work. Hilarious.

@Palindromeman nice!

6

I liked your post, for myself think trying to date on line would be really hard and I would be so unsure about it. I thinik this site has a good thing going with all the different things that everyone post. at least it works for me, some people I could party with. some maybe not. but all and all a damm good group of people.

kenriley Level 8 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

I really like the people on here (most of em) but no one I'm interested in is close by smile003.gif

@blindbird That's sad

@Blindbird Ain't that how it seems to go? Give it time!

@Blindbird I don't know if you are a "Greeter" but there are more of us every single day.

Hang in there.

@Blindbird "no one I'm interested in is close by", well that rules me out, I'm gonna suck on an egg....lol

@buzz13 lol sorry man.

5

Too bad all the good guys are really old... lol

Buddha Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply
5

You didn't screw up again. You gave it another shot. Chalk it up and just tell him. You got to know him and there's not enough substance to try to build something. Normal people don't enjoy hurting others, but if you stick around his expectations are only going to have further to fall. And yep, dating IS hard and maybe it won't happen again for folks like us. But if you aren't open to the possibility, it's probably even less likely. My only real advice is to not making finding someone the main focus. Just live your life and be open if the opportunity presents itself. And good luck ☺

Philosopearl Level 6 Apr 16, 2018
Reply
5

You have not screwed up it is just that this guy is not for you and I do agree that it is hard to find somebody that you are going to click with on a dating site and that is why they are on a dating site,As for hurting his feelings do not feel bad about it he is on a dating site for a reason and maybe he bores the shit out of everybody he meets so he will not be surprised if you disconnect from him.There are plenty of nice guys in this world but most of them are taken because they are nice you will just have to persevere until the right one comes along.Some women also expect perfection and we all know that everybody has faults so maybe you need to lower your expectations and try and try again until you find someone who really is a nice guy and not all guys are out to cheat on their spouses.

DavidPlancke Level 3 Apr 16, 2018
Reply
5

@Blindbird The attractive part of website dating is that you would never ever get to 'meet' as many people in real life as you can online. The disadvantage of course is that with the greater number of people you can interact with online comes increased odds that your ideal 'target' personality may show up occasionally with warts and instability. Until I'm hooked up tight with a future partner, I'll still dabble in the online scene...because you just don't know when or where that knockout punch will come from that lands to the heart. I'm hoping at this stage I've learned enough to know when to pull the plug, just like you did.

Highway-Starr Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply
5

Good luck.

Wildgreens Level 7 Apr 16, 2018
Reply
4

Finding a perfect connection is practically impossible. No matter who you find, you will find certain aspects of their personality that irritate you. It's a sad fact of life. It's not your fault if you aren't attracted to the guy. Let him know how you feel, and if he freaks out, then you know you actually dodged a bullet. If he accepts how you feel, then you know that he's at least good friendship material. You just need to keep looking until you find someone that is more compatible. (...And please don't lump in all nice guys in with this bad experience. There are nice guys that can interest you on an intellectual level.)

Ginga_Ninja Level 3 Apr 16, 2018
Reply

Nicely said!

Write Comment
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content read full disclaimer
  • Agnostic.comis the largest non-profit community for atheists, agnostics, humanists, freethinkers, skeptics and others happy without religion!