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Anyone else in an unhappy relationship and don't see a way forward? Any advice?

Turkeylips 4 Apr 18
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34 comments

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7

I'm unhappy that I'm not in a relationship. But then again, I hate being single only slightly more than I hate being in a relationship.

7

There are 2 ways....Get Up & Get Out, or, 2. Get some good counseling, within a specified time frame...things will either get better or clearer. Best wishes!

6

I was in one, and then after years of considering a divorce I finally got one. Best thing I ever did... I feel alive again.

5

Carefully plan an exit strategy, you may need professional help in order to transition out with minimum damage.

5

I was in one for 46 years. I'm so glad I got out, but I don't think I could have done it without the help of my kids. I can remember standing in the dining room thinking, "I can't live like this, but the only way out is to die." I may have died had my kids not stepped in. I sometimes feel like a fool, but there's nothing I can change. Enjoying the rest of my life is my goal.

@grandmombj I must admit there are days I feel the same way. Almost wishing something would happen to me today so you don't have to deal with it.

@Turkeylips I hope you find a way out, or at least a way to get some relief. I wish I had better advice for you. In a way I was lucky that my situation escalated. He stalked me and threatened to kill me. Otherwise, I would still be there and miserable. I don't wish things get worse for you, but, perhaps, think of what you would do if that happened. You might find your answer.

5

yes. if you are unhappy, then leave. take some time to re-evaluate yourself. Not saying it will be easy but it will be for the better. if you are unhappy then most likely your partner is as well.

I would first suggest talking to them about what is causing the unhappiness. if it cannot be resolved between the two of you then i would highly recommend leaving out of respect of each other's time.

It doesn't have to be messy or dramatic.

but really, you need to ask yourself why keep going if there is no progress or future?

If there is no effort to better yourself and your relationship then it is dead.

and that's ok. there is nothing wrong with that. it happens. luckily there are 7 billion other people on the planet. 🙂

I hope you do what you feel is right in your heart.

Thank you. Very well said.

5

The way forward is to leave on friendly terms if possible. whats the point of both being unhappy?

5

I was and it was our house, I moved out ASAP

5

Talk it out or leave.

5

Counseling is one possibility. My wife of 16 years and I just started to see a marriage counselor. We were told our problems are not that bad. My wife is OCD and suffers with PTSD. I give her props because she told the counselor that it was her fault that the marriage has suffered the past three years. She is a loving and kind woman with a big heart. We still love each other, but living with her is more of a chore than pleasure. I hope things get better because I don't want to throw our relationship away.

ebdb Level 7 Apr 18, 2018

i respect that you are trying to make it work.

We tried counselling. We were told our problems stem from I've we didn't get from our parents. Geez. It sounded stupid to both of us.

5

Depends on the situation, but I'd recommend complete and utter honesty, for starters. If you want to try to mend the relationship, talk to your partner about what you need. If your needs are not being met, engaging your parter with "I need..." instead of "You need to..." is better.

If you don't want to mend it, complete and utter honesty about it is also best. Start discussing options with your partner. There is always a way forward, and it is important to find it.

Best wishes. I hope you're able to get yourself to a better place.

4

You’re not doing either person a favor for staying. Lie is meant to be lived fully. This is not a rehearsal.

4

Yes, sit your partner down at the kitchen table and say we need to talk. Talk it through, tell them how you’re feeling, look for solutions or compromises and see if anything can be worked upon. If you can’t find the solutions to the problems by talking honestly with each other then let it go.

Been there. Done that. Many times. Counselling etc. I just feel like we are at the end of our rope.

@Turkeylips I’m very sorry to hear that. If you can walk away saying you’ve tried your very best, then it appears to be time to untether that rope. I wish you both well.

@Turkeylips sometimes you need a new counselor ( right for the 2 of you!) Sometimes you need a good attorney! Shit or get off the pot, no decision IS a decision!

4

Just ended one in July of last year. She told me for the 2nd time that she was uncomfortable around me, and, seeing as how it was her house, I did not need to be told a 3rd time. I can live with misery and unhappiness, if the circumstances are externally exigent, but if I'm the cause of someone being unhappy in their domicile, I'm outta there asap. Two weeks after she said that, I was gone.

4

Why stay in an unhappy relationship?

Actually, I can answer my own question. Sometimes we feel trapped due to practical concerns like being dependent on someone else's health insurance. Or not being able to afford to live on your own. Or child custody issues. I've been there. I don't intend to be there again.

In any case, if you can't leave for some reason, try to improve your situation. Talk to your partner. See if they will go to counseling with you. If they won't go with you, go alone. You won't regret the work you can do in therapy, as long as you're honest with the therapist about everything.

Start working towards overcoming any issues that would keep you in the relationship if it doesn't improve. Go back to work if you're a homemaker. Get a job that will give you benefits and the income you need for security. Document anything that your partner does that's a problem, so you'll have the records if a custody battle happens.

3

Make the decision to leave, then make plans to make it happen. It may take a while, but a journey best begun.

3

I was. Find a way and start to take steps towards it. A little at a time can get you there.

3

Having been in an unhappy relationship for far too long my advice is from Ann Landers about 40 years ago. Are you better off with them or without them.

3

Time to end it.

3

If you should find yourself in one, I'd advise you to bail out immediately.

3

I tried very hard to fix the problems. But I could only work on myself. He wasn't willing to address his side of it. Or acknowledge his own problems. So I left because it was an abusive environment.

I think she is extremely depressed but doesn't want to talk about it or do anything to fix it.

@Turkeylips My husband is extremely depressed and won't do anything either. It makes for a really hard situation. I put all my energy into picking up his slack, trying to get him help, essentially enabling him. You might try a trial separation?

@alimacbean sounds like we're in the same boat. Unfortunately my wife seems to think she is always right, no matter what making it very difficult to talk to her about serious issues.

@Turkeylips
This sounds similar to my ex. He was never wrong, and never willing to compromise.

3

It's hard to relate to without more information. Is the relationship abusive, or are you just bored with each other? Are there kids involved? Are there assets to be divided? There's something to be said for staying under the same roof and each of you doing your own thing if you're just bored senseless with each other. If you hate each other's guts, then that isn't so easy.

I was clinging onto a relationship for the sake of our (at the time, 7 year old) son, the family home, and because at the time I thought there was a massive stigma to admitting to a failed marriage. Keep a low profile. Don't challenge her 'authority.' Pay for everything she wants in order to find fleeting happiness, regardless of how much debt I was running up. Ignore her explosive rants over trivial stuff (several times a day.)

She left me in the end, at least in part because the money (and credit) had run out and she thought she'd found someone who still had some. It was the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

I'm someone who tends to project the worst case scenario, so I always assumed that me leaving her would mean losing my home, losing access to my son, and paying most of my salary in child support for the next 15 years. Since it was her decision to leave me, it hasn't gone like that at all. Child support is agreed at a fair rate. She was happy for me to buy her out of her share of the equity in the house and rents the place she's in now. We're actually pretty good friends, and I can once again see the things in her that I fell for in the first place. I'm definitely not stupid enough to go there again, though. I doubt she is, either.

Our son typically does 4 nights a week at hers and 3 at mine. He's 13 now, and pretty low maintenance as long as his Xbox has an Internet connection.

We're still not divorced, so who knows where it's going? But no regrets so far. Only with hindsight can I see just how abusive the relationship was, because I'd come to believe that I didn't deserve any better. If you ever hit that stage where you end up on medication just to be able to get through a day of your partner's abusive behaviour (and I've been there, on Prozac, twice) then for [insert deity here]'s sake, get the hell out.

Nowadays, I view my mental health like the oxygen mask on a depressurised aircraft. Making sure mine's okay takes priority over taking responsibility for anyone else's.

3

Perhaps we need to hear the excuses you use to justify staying?

Perhaps we need to

  1. Support a clearly worried person instead of judging them with words like "excuses" and "justify"
  2. Respect their privacy....and let them take the lead, or not, on sharing.

If he wants help, he needs to be far more specific ...and not so vague. If there is NO good excuse to stay, logic dictates he should leave. If he has excuses for staying, then he should present those. Otherwise, this is all an exercise and futility and no one can actually give him any meaningful advice...which is pointless. Maybe you enjoy over-generalized questions with no supporting information...but I don't. You can't work a problem out if you don't know what it is.

@FortyTwo that was my thought. If you want help, lay out the facts. Otherwise it's all mental masturbation and pointless discussion. It's a shame SOME people are all kumbaya snowflakes who get offended at the truth. LOL

3

If your in one....Get Out! The only answer I can honestly give.

Coldo Level 8 Apr 18, 2018

It's so easy to say leave but there are so many things to consider. The house, finances, children, etc. It's really not so easy.

2

Duty before pleasure. If you don't have a duty to stay you can leave. But think about it carefully before acting.

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