Christmas is upon me again.
This is the 14th in a row where I'm alone, and alone between them as well.
Last year I had a heart attack on the 21st of December, the Winter solstice.
My Dad died in 2001 and my half Sister died in 2015.
My Dad hurt me so bad I'm still hurting today.
My half Sister refused to even speak with me since elementary school.
One half brother is a raging alcoholic MAGA type.
Another half brother was born when I was in the Navy so I don't know him but he spent a couple of years in prison for having photographs of underage girls.
I wouldn't piss on a member of my entire childhood family if they were on fire.
My Ex has turned my daughters against me.
The oldest is thinking of joining a church and all of them are registered Republicans.
The youngest has only spoke to me three time since 2015.
Honestly I have no love of life beyond good food and weed at this point.
The closest thing I have to friends are coworkers.
I didn't start out hating everyone I ever loved, they earned it, one act of negligence or abuse at a time.
I really need to find a better set of friends, no easy task at 62.
If you're thinking "Damn that's a lot of self pity" then F you too.
I'm sick of turning the hatred inward, slowly killing myself with grief and helplessness.
I doubt I could do it for more than another decade or so.
I sure hope I have another heart attack this 21st, I won't be stupid enough to call 911 this time. I knew it was a bad idea last time.
Sick of a world where a kid can ace the Navy nuclear power program and still not be able to afford collage. I was killing myself to get my degree in the early 80's. I paid off my student loans, people that think todays kids are chumps and should pay those damned loans off are all absolute crack head MAGA idiots.
This society is sick and demented.
Don't be disturbed by my anger, I earned the right to bitch the rest of my life, even if no one gets to hear it except in this post.
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4 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Trite as it may sound, you are never alone. You have yourself. And you are special.
Mitch07102
Level 8
Dec 17, 2021
1
I feel writing is cathartic and helps me vent as well, i keep most of it to myself, something to reread the next day or a slightly longer passage of time to gage how/if I still feel the same.
There is nothing wrong with finding joy in the simplicity of things (weed, good food).
As i've aged, i found less need to hang out with friends, most are married off, started families which I have nothing in common with anymore, so no big loss.
I'm lucky to have a few hobbies, and find design (personal projects and freelance) much more satisfying than the need to add more complexity or obligation.
Once I accepted to expect nothing from others, i was significantly more happy. Way too many let downs.
I've scaled back frequent banter/chatter both at work and in social chat, and found higher qualitative engagement when I listen more, or stay silent longer, speaking in the most succinct way possible. Some would say to me, "Why are you so quiet?" and I'd shrug, and reply "nothing to important or earth shattering news to share."
I find solace in this maxim, to which has helped me understand why I am, the way I am...
"Enjoying being single/alone has a power few can handle."
MacStriker
Level 7
Dec 17, 2021
2
Don't change a thing, get back with me when you're 62.
I want to know if you get tired of it.
@Willow_Wisp Agreed. I also think that being happy alone stuff is nonsense. Life is completely unimportant and fun experiences are the only mitigating factors to a life of pain and misery. Without someone to share them with or reminisce about them with they are utterly useless to me. What am I going to do, go on vacation by myself, be sad and alone there with no one to do activities with, then remember the experience of being sad and alone in a different country instead of sad and alone at home? Who the fuck needs that? And how is any of that better than just being dead where you can't feel sad or alone, ever?
@JeffMurray I'm down with leaving, but I have to be escorted out, I refuse to break the door myself. I attempted suicide once in the early 80's but I had a ball in the early 90's very enjoyable. I hurt more now, but unless it gets so bad I feel compelled to Robin Williams it. I promised myself that if I kill myself I have to beat myself to death with a very small hammer. I want to see how some things come out. Like I want to see Trump in an orange jumpsuit. When I'm dead it won't matter, and probably really doesn't while I'm alive, but I want to see it. If I get shot or have a heart attack before then, great!
@Willow_Wisp I can't regret not seeing Trump in prison, not that any part of me thinks he'll do a single minute of time for all of the horrible, borderline-treasonous things he's done, if I'm dead, and I don't think the amount of suffering I'll experience in the interim would be worth it even if he did. I have no bucket list. I have no reason I want to stay alive. I only seem to have a strong enough aversion to suicide that I'm stuck here still. As my circumstances worsen or my barriers are alleviated, I assume I'll reach a point where this is no longer the case.
@JeffMurray
That's disheartening. I completely understand where you're coming from but I can not and will not go down that path.
I've been a victim all my life, how appropriate that I should be one at the end.
@Willow_Wisp Would you be a victim, or a champion advocating for the cessation of suffering?
@JeffMurray I'm no champion, never was, never will be. If I'm suffering enough I might go, but the I'm all alone blues aren't the kind of suffering I'd off myself for. Physically my discomfort is mild to moderate unless having a migraine or I pull a muscle or something. Sure my knuckles hurt with arthritis or it's kin but overall and considering my age I still think that in a pinch I can defend myself. When that's not true and my body is hurting all over, I'll have no reason to stay. I'm not there yet. However; I certainly fall into the nihilist category.
Like I was married for 14 years to someone becoming progressively more right-wing. Which clearly indicates I'm the sort of person that will watch a porn video all the way to the end, not for pleasure, but just to see how everything turns out....
@Willow_Wisp My woes are certainly not limited to "I'm all alone" but they sure doesn't help. At this point, however, it seems as though if I like someone enough to want to date them, I probably like them too much to inflict myself on them. Ideally someone with more technical ability and motivation to do anything will create a dating site for suicidal people. Not that I'd find someone there, but at least it would seem like it was possible again.
I feel you on everything in this post. No one understands being done with this shit world full of shit people. Every night when I go to bed I hope I die in my sleep and every morning I'm devastated I woke up. And no one gets it's not my issue, I don't need to "work stuff out so I can love life again." No platitudes from this guy. I hope whatever gets you doesn't cause you any more pain or a dragged out process. Sorry everything sucks.
ChestRockfield
Level 8
Dec 17, 2021
2
I sense that about you.
We're a bit like Friedrich Nietzsche before he went insane.
I hope your passing is swift, silent, and painless, when your time comes.
I wish the same for myself.
I only stick around because occasionally this world still offers some measure of pleasure, it's just rare and unlikely. I no longer have delusions of closure or resolution to life's questions.
I think being turned down for HRT is the last straw, having a heart attack will destroy a trans persons dreams.
No need to rush the inevitable, but yep I frequently just go off alone and bitch at everyone from afar, where they don't know. I'd do it up close and personal but then they'd interrupt me.
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