Agnostic.com

38 8

So I have a question about friendships between introverts and extroverts. I'm an extrovert and I like claiming introverts as my friends. I just find an introvert and decide they're my friend and I'm going to talk to them and hang out. Is this scary for introverts? I always try to be mindful of when they say "no" to hanging out and when they need quiet time...but am I freaking them out and they're just too polite to say so? Introvert input much appreciated!

Pips 5 Apr 24
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

38 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

As an introverted Extrovert I can say from experience that you need to tread lightly with some introverts and respect their privacy or you can find you have run roughshod over them without even realizing it. I like smaller groups of interesting friends in laid back environments because I am the focus of attention and leadership in my professional life and extremely outgoing in that part of my life, so I understand both sides of the issue. Not all introverts want to come out of their comfort zone and not all party animals want to party all the time, sometimes it is just nice to be left alone with a good book or a few good friends in quiet conversation. If you are asking the question then you have probably crossed that line with an introvert, if so then don't worry too much as introverts can be extremely strong in ways that extroverts find challenging but ease up in the future with someone who may have found you too intense. Maybe it was just bad timing but you can always back it up a bit and try again later.

Balance is definitely key n everyone is different on that scale?

I find it interesting when I hook into a person who is introverted and seems to be reserved to the point of timidity but is actually more of a combination of viper and chess master, tread lightly with those introverts as you may think that you are running the show but in reality you are just dinner waiting to be served. 😀

6

Most people don't think I'm an introvert when they first meet me; they see me as open and gregarious. However, when I'm in social settings, I tend to force myself to act like an extrovert as a self defense mechanism. It gives me an illusion of control, when all I usually want to do is sit and watch.

Consider that my disclaimer😉 Honestly, I usually enjoy myself when a friend makes me go out, as long as when I've hit my limit, they don't force me to keep going. When it's someone I like or trust - no, it's not scary for me to be asked. I actually appreciate it.

5

Ha! As an extreme introvert, I'd find you pretty annoying. I might even set the dog on you if you persisted.

5

There is a balance in extrovert and introverts. Most of the time, an introvert is claimed by an extrovert. The extrovert tends to prevent hermitization by forcing the introvert to actually socialize along with reminding them that food and certain amounts of movement are necessary for life. Introverts typically tolerate enough of the extroverts socializing until it retreats back to its den to rest. We typically don't dislike it as much as we protest within reasonable amounts.

@Pips precisely

@Pips I tell my friends "my hp is low" and they know I'm getting close to retreating. This let's them pack up and prepare to leave cause I'm out

5

Isn't that the only way introverts make friends? To be adopted by an extrovert? I would love to be adopted by an extrovert, hasn't happened yet.

4

I've been "claimed" quite a few times -- in fact, most have my friends have been like you, come to think of it ~laughing~

There's actually a nice symbiosis to it; the extrovert tugs me out of my shell in situations where I normally wouldn't venture out, and I get to enjoy doing a wider spectrum of things that I may not do on my own. And inversely, my more reserved and stoic side tends to ground and sedate the extrovert a little, and can keep them from spinning off wildly into the ether.

It doesn't always work out that way... but when it does? It's pretty awesome. =)

tmaaz Level 5 Apr 24, 2018
4

Please move down here and adopt me.
As a life long introvert I like to go out but hate doing it by myself so I stay home. I will tell you the boundaries or if I feel uncomfortable, I would love some companionship. If you began by being here constantly or just jabber about nothing I will feel uncomfortable. We are used to being alone, we may hate it, but it is preferable to being anxious. I like to think of myself as rose bud about to bloom though I can't do it by myself. As I said, I would love some company, it's lonely out here in the ether.

@chaoticmind I didn't realize that, thanks for the info!! After thinking about it for moment an introvert enjoys being alone, correct?

@Pips, naw they are just used to being alone and probably just don't know how to act. Maybe afraid of a new dynamic or unsure of themselves.

4

It really depends on how you approach them, I have a couple of extroverted friends who understand that even though we may have made plans, that my people battery is just drained. I've also had people who just didn't get the fact that, yes I do like spending time alone from time to time, and we ended distant because the harder they pushed for me to be social the more distant I bacame.
You don't seem to be overly pushy, just know that we do enjoy spending time with our favorite people, we just need a breather from time to time.

3

I find myself to be very introverted if it's just me. So its refreshing when someone comes and adopts me. If I'm around close friends I tend to act more of an extrovert.

3

But do they consider you their friend? I personally find very extroverted people so exhausting that I can't put in the time to know them well enough to consider them my friend.

GwenC Level 7 Apr 24, 2018
3

I think this isn't enough detail for me, but the thing that kind of freaks me out is your just finding an introvert and deciding they're your friend. I think if this happened to me out of the blue, I would be thinking "wtf?!"

Yeah, I agree with you on the last part there.

3

I love extroverted friends, because they understand how to start conversations and get people involved. As a more introverted person I have troubles starting and finding things to say, but my extroverted friends help with that.

3

Introvert here, I agree with @Inlogicwetrust, introverts don't spend time with people they don't like. If they are out with you then that's what they want to be doing.

3

I am an extreme introvert and the majority of my friends are quite the opposite. They know I don't enjoy bars/clubs or other public hangout venues. But we hangout at my place or theirs and it's a quality hang. I tend to live vicariously through extroverts. I enjoy my alone time immensely but I like hanging out with people of whom understand my plight. New friends are different, however. I expect to be judged so it takes a little bit for me to gain trust that the other person's wanting to hang is genuine. Less people the better. I can open up a lot then. As the number of people grows I tend to sink into myself more and more

2

I have only recently realized that I am an introvert with extrovert qualities. Which can be confusing sometimes because the introvert part of me can be easily intimidated by extroverts!

2

My late partner was an extreme extrovert and I was a strong introvert. It was a perfect balance and we bot learned a lot from each other. I have become more of an extrovert thanks to her. Besides it was fun watching her at work with others and sometimes a bit scary. She had no fear not even of death!

@Pips The scary part was that she was not afraid of confrontation. Her body language (size and mannerisms) allowed her to get away with things most others would not. At our ferry terminal we often walked a beautiful boardwalk along the beach. She would go after everyone who did not have their dog on a lease even some big guys. No one yelled at her and most complied.

2

I tend toward the introverted spectrum and I would say whenever you are addressing social phenomenon, it is best just to ask the source for clarification. And then for good measure, ask for clarification on the clarification. Communication and understanding is difficult in the best of time. So ask and listen. Your friend will appreciate it.

2

I think extroverts like introverts because there's less competition for conversation time. And introverts like extroverts because it takes the pressure off of them to make conversation in social settings.....

You are correct in your thinking. My best friend is an extrovert and I am an introvert but I'm one of her best friends. I get my free time and an occasional outing and she doesn't get slowed down by me.

2

INTJ here, claimed by an ENFP who self-appointed as my BFF.

She's fascinated by my introversion, but she's also come to understand that when my battery is drained and I've had enough then it's time for me to go introvert somewhere and it's nothing personal, I'm just done.

Most of the time, the combo works well as it gets me to go do more social shit than I normally would bother with, and she gets to bounce ideas off me without any real worry about offending me.

At social events, with her naturally becoming the center of attention I can more or less slide around the edges and decide how long I want to stay without anyone really noticing when I Irish out.

Sometimes the sheer magnitude of her presence is a lot, but most of the time she can moderate it.

If the introvert in your life is "freaking out" then you and they need to have a talk about expectations and you, as the Extro, need to let them know that they can be honest and simply not want to do shit and you'll understand.

@Pips I think that's the start of it, yes. In time it'll either start to work, or it won't, that's all dependent on the two of you and your relationship--but, yes, the key and core must be transparency and understanding on both sides.

The more you are transparent, and the more you're accepting of the Intro's decisions (even when they say No) then the more open the whole thing will become--and for you that'll mean that when your Intro wants to go, they actually want to go and aren't just feeling obligated.

Give an Introvert their space, and often they'll actually come to you--kinda like cats in that regard.

As an irish man i am interested to know what the phrase to 'irish out' means? I have not heard it before ?

@SimonCyrene Hah! It's American slang for ducking out without saying anything.

irish exit
More specifically, the irish exit refers to the departure from any event without telling any friends, associates or acquaintances that one is leaving. It is almost always the result of being very inebriated/intoxicated.
Man 1. Hey man, where'd you go last night? You just disappeared, did you take a girl home or something?

Man 2. Nah, I got drunk and pulled an irish exit. Uh... happy birthday by the way.

@WileEQuixote interesting and surprisingly accurate, i have done that many times, just thought 'this is not for me' and slipped away. Apparently it's not a good thing when you're with a partner ?

2

If someone "just decided" I was their friend--without getting to know me or giving me any choice in the matter--and we are going to "talk and hang out"--again, without first getting a sense of my personality and preferences or recognizing my agency--I would be immediately suspicious of this person as being possibly self-centered, air-headed, living in a fantasy world, with poor boundaries, savior complex, and/or little-to-no theory of mind. I would not necessarily write this person off as a nuisance--as they tend to be harmless and kind-hearted, thinking they are doing good works, and can often be very nice people who just have a radically different take on personal interactions than I--but I would definitely keep my distance, at least until I got to know them well enough to see through to the bottom of their wellspring of intentions and motivations, and see that they do not have a potentially injurious level of immaturity. I would very cautiously put up with the person's behavior--until they either turn me off, or turn me on to a deeper level of contact.

No disrespect to you, Pips. I do not know you. You have given me what amounts to a hypothetical scenario, and I have shared that which would be my authentic response.

2

It depends on the introvert--is the person shy or outgoing? As a shy introvert, I retreat to my home to recharge and don't invite people over while doing so. However, I was able to overcome my shyness in order to teach at a college for 18 years.

2

I'm an extreme introvert and you would scare the hell out of me. I think that most introverts would politely decline if they were bothered. I would practically leave skid marks getting away. I'm sure your intentions are good, but I would feel ambushed. Most of my friends are also introverts and it usually takes a while to become friends. I guess I'm curious why you would want to befriend introverts since it's likely that you very possibly don't have much in common in terms of your desires for socialization.

2

My daughter is a introvert completely I know threw our life discussions she just must keep company n conversation with outings short even if she's having fun n enjoying herself she can't later handle long outings n running she'll pay for it later by needing even more alone time which then can easily fall into depression states. Just keep it light, fluffy n shorten hangout would be my advice even if they seem comfortable because often they won't say either till it's to late n often because there pushing to be different n trying vs what they really know deep inside how it should go best for there abilities.

2

It is fine if you are willing to hang out with them on their terms, at their house, etc. What they don't like is when you try to get them to hang out with you at a club, party, etc.

2

I appreciate extroverts. They draw me out. I can otherwise get complacent in my sphere of my experience. It depends on why one is an introvert.. but for myself, I appreciate being dragged into the sunlight periodically. That's a bit of an exaggeration... I'm not really introverted to that degree anymore... but I don't tend to "invite people" to do things... I'm usually on the other end of that equation... and I appreciate those invitations, even if I cancel half the time.

1

In the ideal situation, they can balance each other out.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:65468
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.