You can be just about anything you feel you are these days. There are more pronouns and genders than I could even get an accurate count of. Really. Try searching for it and you'll find some incredibly long lists. You would have to make a spreadsheet and cross-reference a bunch of lists and you'd still probably be missing some. And if you wait a week, your list may be outdated. And if that is what you need to feel right or comfortable, I support you. But it seems there's a way you can feel that is still simply unacceptable, despite it being completely out of your control: the desire to die. There are things that can distract me from the otherwise constant thoughts of how much I no longer want to live, but essentially there's nothing I'd rather do than die unexpectedly, instantly, and as soon as possible. And I don't think that's that crazy of a desire. Life is an accident. It's also completely purposeless. If you're enjoying yours more than you're hating it, by all means, carry on, congratulations on all your success. But if you hate it like I do, why would it be so weird to want it to end? Why does a recognition of these simple facts constitute some emergency or need for intervention? Why does it have to be inextricably tied to depression? Why is that desire something only the mentally ill are "allowed" to possess?
I have one friend left that feels the same way I do. I said to him, "So apparently most people in our category feel the opposite way than us (according to Google), they are suicidal but don't actually want to die. What are people like us called, who want to die, but don't want to have to kill ourselves to get there? I tried searching for it, but I don't know that a term exists."
Just from a quick search I happened upon a word that I use very often when I talk about this concept in many different contexts. Transcendence. When you transcend your biology you're able to escape the illusions that your consciousness compels you to believe are true and see things for what they really are. That's why I called it rational I guess. If you're able to transcend biology you can see death is objectively superior."
And he has a good point. Many humans have experienced some forms of transcendence. The use of contraception is a good example. Our genes favor procreation, but we manage to override them and actively prevent pregnancy [or eliminate it when it happens accidentally]. How much different is it really to want to abort our own life because of the perceived negative outcomes of continuing it??
So what do you think? Will our society ever be progressive enough to tolerate people like me? Or will I be destined to forever have yet another reason to hate being alive?
I think the word you're looking for is bored. You are bored with life. It presents no challenge no opportunity nothing novel new or exciting to you. Hence you just as soon this life ends but on the off chance that something exciting could happen, you don't want to be the one doing it
As for suicide being rational, I think that's true on a case-by-case basis. If you have a terminal disease and you are in terrible pain such that your quality of life is not existent, then it is rational to commit suicide since you don't really have a life to begin with. If on the other hand you're perfectly healthy and merely stuck in ennuii rut, then suicide is not very rational since you have a semblance of a quality of life and every possibility of improving upon it
As for society being progressive enough, we are well on our way. 11 states in the US allow for legal assistance suicide.
I don't want to die unexpectedly as soon as possible but when it does happen I don't want it to hurt. My uncle died at the breakfast table when his blood vessel broke and all his blood emptied out inside of him. He looked funny for a minute and then dropped dead quickly. They claim he didn't feel anything. To me that sort of sounds like the oil being lost from your car engine. I do not see the "instant death" without pain that they are talking about here.
Is it fair to say that if you attempt suicide they should kill you?
You always could be whatever you feel, and those that don't fit the societal box, who are not what you would normally expect in a population, are not catered for. Nothing new but with 24hr instant media satisfaction it is recognised. But understand this is your society eg if you go to Thailand, they don't care what you identify as, as a people that is (admittedly, some laws still discriminatory).
Accept who you are and revel in your individuality is my advice. You only live once and who wants to be "normal" anyway? Love yourself first thus love your life and how others react becomes less important.
Unfortunately, it's up to you to tolerate others rather than expect others to tolerate you. That's the way human societies work, life is not fair etc. I'm being very direct and blunt here, but only extending my 2 cents worth as I would like to receive it, blunt and direct.
Take care and you sound as if you have good friends so enjoy them and don't worry about the rest.
PS Whitney Houston sucks but this song does explain what I'm trying to say
Wow! That's A LOT.
However, I completely acknowledge, without judgment, that you (and your friend) have every right to feel as you do.
We ARE conditioned to believe that wishing for the end of our lives is "wrong".
Personally, I do not believe in the so-called "sanctity of life".
I think that's a lie a lot of people have latched onto because we're supposed to. It's clear humanity really doesn't collectively believe in it.
If we did, wars, and murder, wouldn't be so prevalent throughout our history.
I also spent a few years working for a county agency. Among my duties as the assistant to the Director, I also trained and worked as a crisis-intervention volunteer. Suicide prevention was at the forefront of my training.
In the years since then, my position on suicide has evolved.
As unpopular and counterintuitive as it may seem to some people, I do believe that people have the right to end their lives when they see fit.
Unfortunately, there are too many cases, especially with children who identify as LGBTQ +, who feel so hopeless, they don't see their circumstances improving.
I think that sucks. Kids killing themselves because of the garbage they get from other people is reprehensible.
It's another reason I generally dislike most people.
You present your reasoning like a rational adult. I cannot fault you for feeling the way you do.