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CONFIDING.. HELP OR HINDER?

I keep my personal and private life just that. It's much easier that way, (like being single). I don't have deal with someone's feelings, opinions, or interference in my life.

I may be the exception to the need, but I don't see how it helps. It's more of a hinder for me.

What say ye?

pthomas59 7 Apr 29
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14 comments

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0

I'm quite picky about in whom I confide. The right person at the right time, confiding can be cathartic, and that helps.

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“Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself, for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve.” Twelfth Night: Act 1, Scene 5, Page 9, Shakespeare. This is an admonishment against selfishness, which may be one interpretation of your statement. Another interpretation is that you are anti-social for some reason, with the rationalizations given. #3 is that you've never gotten any 'help' you thought was useful from confiding. What is the goal of confiding, and is that the real goal being sought? Mostly, confiding is grist for social interaction and bonding. Note how therapists seek confiding but only respond with advice or analysis, rather than exchanging a confidence of their own.

It's not a therapist's job to burden their patients with their own personal issues.

0

I am a fairly personal person. It makes me crazy when I see posts on Facebook that are crisis and drama. I do have a few friends that I share things with periodically.

1

It goes both ways for me.

Personally, I don't have shame or reservation about sharing my deep, sad, scary, embarrassing, whatever stuff. It's not a big deal to me. I would never dump my stuff on anyone lightly--but if someone indicates an openness and a readiness to process my stuff, I have little innate inhibition against sharing.

I do however have a gigantic learned inhibition against sharing my stuff--after having had so much experience with people getting weird. They say they're willing, they say they're ready--but when I give them what I have, they get weird. Like, you said you were open to me authentically sharing my struggles; was I supposed to edit out the really disturbing parts for your benefit?

That, or they go into aggressive fix-it mode and lobby for me to do this, think that, etc.--and get nasty when I say "No, I'm not interested in that. That's not going to work for me." Many times there's cans worms stacked on top of cans of worms and I just don't want to go into all the background and reasons why a certain suggestion isn't helpful.

Sometimes it comes down to comprehension. If you don't get it and I don't feel like explaining it further, be respectful and let me have my space. Don't get butthurt and petty because I'm not falling all over myself in gratitude to you for the precious gift of your listening ear, not playing right into your hand and giving you all the validation you want in terms of giving you information and lapping up your advice like it's the nectar of the gods.

I'm doing you a favor--by giving you a window into my private self. Be respectful while you're in my space. Don't make demands. Don't tell me what to do. Just be a witness.

Maybe my frustrations arise from the mismatches in attitudes toward sharing between myself and most other people. I don't attach feelings of obligation or shame when people share.

It's the same in reverse: I don't have any innate reservation against listening when others wish to unburden themselves to me--but I get a little nervous because I know they can get weird about it.

Absolutely a great comment on this subject

1

I've learned never to confide in anyone. And yet, people are compelled to confide in me.

Yes I too get a lot more from people than I sometimes want. I do share though occasionally with 2 or 3 friends

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I do not compartmentalize my life, if your in it, you are in it

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I'm an open book, as well. I discovered not sharing aspects of my life was really bad for my depression.

@pthomas59 Helps me to not ruminate so much if I share what's bothering me. And when I share good things, it spreads the happiness around a bit.

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My life is an open book, I am Nobody from nowhere. What else is there to know?

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If I am asked I will tell, but I'm not volunteering anything.

GwenC Level 7 Apr 29, 2018
1

I'm in agreement.
I prefer being single and living alone.
I generally don't need, or want, input when making decisions.
I don't want to share my feelings, or how I'm feeling, on a constant basis.
Most of the time, I just don't feel like it's anyone's business.
It's a very rare occasion that I feel lonely.

1

I am quite introverted, so, by definition, that makes me very private. I choose carefully to whom I share aspects of my life. The current political climate has eroded much of my trust in humankind. I'm not sure what it will take to restore that trust.

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I'm open generally - I don't mind talking about experiences, feelings, etc.
But I don't care much what others think or say, so it works out.
I think most people take things as telling them what to do when it isn't really. I only express what works for me, not what I think anyone else should do - unless they specifically ask for advice, and even that is only saying what I would do.

0

I am pretty much an open book.

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If I have a special relationship I will confide but those are few and far between

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