The recent posts on reproductive rights and abortion hit close to home for me so I have some pretty strong feelings about it.
Last year when it looked like the ACA might be repealed I decided to share my story on facebook. I thought I would share that here too. Maybe it will provide some with a perspective they haven't considered before...
There is a lot of talk right now about a female's reproductive rights and more specifically, her right to have a safe, legal abortion. It seems like everyone has an opinion, but few of us have actually had an abortion. Certainly no male has and only a small percentage of women have and that's a good thing. I can't claim to be one of those that have needed an abortion either, but I came very close to having one...and I remember being in that place; the fear, the uncertainty, the guilt, the sadness. In that respect I think I can relate to what many women across the world experience.
My husband and I spent over three years and thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. A week after undergoing our very last fertility procedure I found out I was pregnant by taking an at home pregnancy test. At my two week follow up appointment we discovered I was carrying twins. At twelve weeks we found out that I was in danger of miscarrying and after a surgery, put on strict bedrest. At 16 weeks I was hospitalized with a dangerous medical condition that put both my life and the babies lives in jeopardy. At that time we were told that if at any point my health became in immediate danger prior to 23 weeks gestation (which at the time was the earliest viability for an infant) the pregnancy would have to be terminated; which is to say that the fetuses would have to be aborted...but we don't like to use that term because women who have an abortion are what...Careless? Irresponsible? Coldhearted monsters? Murderers even?...Except that a lot of us aren't. We are the ones that have serious medical complications. We are the 1 in 5 women who will be raped in our lifetime. We are the ones who for many, many reasons have to make the very hard, very sad, very personal decision to terminate our pregnancies.
We were lucky to have our babies make it past the 23 week gestation mark and avoid an abortion, but not by much. And it has been a long, hard road, but today they are happy, healthy, sort of normal (what exactly is normal and are any of them really, actually normal?? ) thirteen (now fourteen) year olds.
There are a couple reasons I chose to tell this story at this time. One is the political situation that is unfolding in front of our eyes in a very real and terrifying way. The other reasons are more personal.
After delivering my children I was warned that there is a very real possibility that should I become pregnant again, I may not survive that pregnancy. I made the responsible decision to choose an IUD as a contraception method, which is 99% effective for 5+ years. I am fortunate that my insurance covers this option because I'm unable to take birth control pills or other hormonal contraceptive options, and condoms only have an 82% efficacy rate and pose too high of a risk of pregnancy for someone like me. Without ACA insurance covering contraceptives, I would not be able to afford an IUD and would potentially be in a very dangerous and risky situation. I suppose abstinence is an option but I'm not sure preaching it is any more effective to married thirty year olds than it is for teenagers, which is to say that it isn't realistic and doesn't really work. If you disagree consider that our public school systems teach abstinence and look at our teen pregnancy statistics.
The other reason for writing this story was prompted by some recent diagnostic tests. During those tests we discovered that my IUD was missing. Poof, vanished, closed up shop, skipped town...which is rare to have happen, but I can testify that it can and indeed does happen. To break this down, it means that sometime between June of 2015 and January of 2017, I somehow expelled my IUD without knowing. I have been without contraception for up to eighteen months. Eighteen months!!! What if I had gotten pregnant during that time??? Well...if I had gotten pregnant I would have had to choose between attempting to carry a baby that would very likely be born very premature, if it survived at all, while risking my life, and potentially leaving two twelve year old children without a mother...or I would have had to choose that very hard, very sad, very personal choice to have an abortion which would make me what?...Careless? Irresponsible? A coldhearted monster? A murderer even? Nah, because I have a legitimate reason, right? I had a legitimate reason, right? It's easier to justify when you know my history....but it's the same choice thousands of women have had to make and it's that choice many judge them on without knowing their history and reasons. And frankly, it isn't any our business unless they choose to share those details as I have. Furthermore, who are any of us to judge?
I never thought I would have or need an abortion. I'm quite certain the vast majority of women who find themselves pregnant and have terminated their pregnancies, either by choice or necessity, never thought they would be in that position either. No woman ever wants to experience that kind of physical and emotional pain, but I'm grateful we live in a country where women have access to safe medical care for those services...and while I will not likely be one of the women who will have the need for an abortion, l will never take that right away from the women that do...at least not until I have lived their life and walked a thousand miles in their shoes.
I will warn you in advance, this is a deeply personal post and I will not tolerate any negative or inappropriate comments on this post.
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49 comments (26 - 49)
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.In addition to my last post, I look forward to the day when medical science enables an embryo to be transplanted to a different human host. All those right-to-lifers will then be able to save an unwanted embryo by bringing it to term in their own bodies. My guess is that not a single one will step up to the plate that they so passionately believe everyone else should stand on.
Gareth
Level 7
May 21, 2018
7
The decision to have an abortion should be the woman’s. No man has a right to make that decision however if a woman chooses to carry a baby to term that the father doesn’t want and is willing to pay for the abortion she should be responsible for the expense of raising that child. I get very upset with religous extremist who want to force a woman to have the child of a rapist in the name of religion.
Trajan61
Level 8
May 22, 2018
5
I agree, but it's kind of a grey area for me...what happens if the father initially decides he supports her decision to have the baby, but further into the pregnancy he decides that he no longer wishes to be in the child's life. What about dads that do not waNt to be part of their lives, but pops back up when the child is 4 or 7 or 11 and now wants to have a relationship with the child? I don't know what the answers are hear but it's worth considering some of these scenarios.
Thank you so much for sharing a very brave post. In Ireland this week we are, well I can't, voting to repeal the amendment that makes abortion illegal, under all circumstances and carries a 14 year jail term. As you have said, the pro-lifers are going to town on the Monster angle. Your post clearly shows the real face of the heart aching reality. In Ireland today, if no fetal,heartbeat is found, if there are severe abnormalities, if the mothers life is in danger......there is nothing you can do. This is criminal, not being able to offer safe, informed, supported health care to women in a life changing situation. May 25th, watch the news from
Ireland.
Tilia
Level 7
May 21, 2018
7
I have been following Ireland's elections. Crossing my fingers for you all!!
Lots to learn in that post... for anyone, male or female. Thanks for telling the story.
mtnhome
Level 7
May 21, 2018
6
Thank you for reading. I know it was long!!
@AdorkableMe Every word was important.
I remember very well in the summer of 1984 when the "Christian Coalition" showed up to my Republican Party Precinct Convention. This was in the only congressional district in 1964 to carry Goldwater in Texas, in not the entire nation.
Well, it started out that I was the youngest one there.
One lady who worked as a volunteer at my old grade school told us that when I attended it, 30% of the school lunches were subsidized. Now it was 70% were subsidized.
For the next 20 minutes the conversation was on what "we could do to help"..
It ended up with, "what can we do to help the teachers."
The two from the Christian Coalition just sat there like bumps on a stump.
We we started and when it came time for the two "Christians" they said they wanted:
- To stop abortion.
- Put prayer back in the schools
- Take away "Gay" rights...
Well most of the women in there were Depression Era kids and WWII era generation. The lines were drawn.
Back when they were young women there weren't birth control pills. Abortion? Well there might be that doctor in the next town....or they went if they had the money...to say Cuba....
The backlash caught the "Christians" off guard...I guess they thought everyone was like them.
No...
Sorry.
Then it came to prayer in school. They wanted it back.
I'm like this was settled in the 60's and abortion in the 70's Why are you wanting to fight this?
Well, one women suggested if they wanted to pray, they could stay after school...
OH NO!...EVERYONE WILL PRAY....EVERY...ONE....WILL....PRAY!....not the thing to say, especially to that women. That was my mother. I found out when she had passed that at one time mother had been a Sunday School teacher...
But it gets better. You see her mother died when she was about 2. She was raised by her aunt and uncle who never had children.
Seems her uncle...was a direct decedent of the Pilgrims...You know...the Mayflower. Myles Standish in fact.
So she grew up with stories handed down generation to generation about why they left to come to the wilds of the New World.
Well...then she hit them with, "Why can't they pray at home before they come to school?"
THEY LITERALLY HAD NO RESPONSE TO THAT...
NADA
Then came their, "We want America to be a Fundamental Christian country..."
Mother's response...."IF YOU WANT TO LIVE IN A RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTAL COUNTRY MOVE TO IRAN...."
They had the deer in the headlights look.....
When they did respond they said, "Well our preacher says...." Well your preacher doesn't know what he is talking about...and DIDN'T....
Well we fought them back in 1984
We tied them in 1988 but lost to them in 1992. The GOP found out these groups had PACs with wads of money and their preachers told them how to vote. The GOP went down hill afterwards.
I know women who have had an abortion.
None of them had the attitude of, "Oh it's 2...hey..I'm going to go have an abortion....I'll met you for Happy Hour..."
And yes, I am PRO CHOICE...
I have a few reasons why. One is, you cannot stop abortion if you make it a crime. It existed long before it was legal.
Another is, I want a women to go to a nice safe clean regulated clinic with trained professionals to help her.
Not some damn back ally.
I'm am also for easy access to birth control.
AND MANDATORY SEX EDUCATION STARTING IN JUNIOR HIGH. With follow up in High School.
Not "getting any" is just plain stupid with a nice dose of ignorance sprinkled on.
I'll stop here...
Thanks for you personal story.
ssgchester
Level 4
May 24, 2018
7
What a TERRIFYING agenda!
Imagine.
BufftonBeotch
Level 8
May 21, 2018
6
Wow, I had no idea.
Wow, heartbreaking...
Pro choice also means pro choosing to have a baby even if it's not the best time or situation. Pro choice means that if you don't choose to have an abortion, you shouldn't be slut shamed for having a baby. I read somewhere that abortion can be a deeply maternal act: not having a baby you are not prepared to mother. Also preserving resources for the children you already have or will someday have. I too only had to live through a couple of what if experiences, but it made me empathetic. Bottom line, someone else's abortion is none of my business.
Rangepainter
Level 4
May 30, 2018
6
Yes, I would agree. No woman should be judged for whatever decision she makes.
I am glad you are here and that you are OK....I also have to say that more women than you will ever imagine underwent an abortion...many after finding themselves in situations similar to the one you described here.
There are many reasons to abort a fetus...all valid...and nobody has the right to criticize the woman.
DUCHESSA
Level 8
May 22, 2018
6
Yes, thank you for weighing in dear.
Thank you for sharing. I certainly can’t have personal knowledge of these circumstances, it helps me gain perspective. On the surface I feel these decisions are personal and most of the time a lot more complex than bystanders are willing to consider. Deep down I have an opinion, of course, that unborn aren’t just cells clumping together. Thank You again for sharing your experience
Howitstarts23
Level 6
May 21, 2018
5
You are welcome. It is an emotionally charged topic and a complicated issue and I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing...
I think the biggest problem to humanity has been, Legislating Morality. Branding other humans such as African and Native Americans, as Animals, Because their moral values are different and converting to the conqueror's religion.
truthseeker35
Level 4
May 21, 2018
6
Yes, I believe politics have no place in moral society other than to protect the oppressed...of course the debate is that the unborn fetuses are the oppressed. Hmmm...
Thank you for sharing this part of yours and your family's journey with us.
The idea of anyone interfering to prevent a medical procedure of another is insanity.
Religion is way out of control in this country.
BufftonBeotch
Level 8
May 21, 2018
6
Thank you, much agreed!!!
I call the insane incompetent religious criminal theocrats who would force you to stay pregnant TAMPON TERRORISTS. ...IOWA law just made 6 WEEK ABORTIONS illegal. ....of course our lawyers are filing lawsuits against the criminal female Governor who is betraying all women's rights. ....I block all who interfere with women's rights protecting my 2 daughters thereby 43&24
GreenAtheist
Level 8
May 21, 2018
5
Looks like a win for the pro choice brigade. Exit polls suggest 69% Yes vote to repeal the act.
Tilia
Level 7
May 26, 2018
5
My mother tried to force an abortion on me. I married the father, which only lasted 11 yrs. but my 39 yr old son, is priceless to me. most women would rather not have an abortion. but for those women who do, the procedure should be safe and legal.
springlover
Level 7
May 24, 2018
5
Yes, and not a parent's choice either. I'm glad you were able to make your own decision and that you raised a great son!!
Firstly let me say thank you for sharing. Secondly I completely agree with a womans right to choose. May I also give you another view. My ex had had an abortion in her teens but she also worked as a maternity nurse for the NHS in the UK. She told of one girl who was on her 3rd abortion at 15! She had access to free contraceptives and so many talks from midwives, doctors and social workers etc. but still was using it as contraception
273kelvin
Level 8
May 21, 2018
5
That does not negate the need for accessible, legal abortions.
I think it's important to realize that she is the exception, not the rule. You will always have people who have no conscience, that want to cheat the system, that are psycho or sociopaths, etcetera.
I think it's also important to realize that you know 1% of her story. She's 15. She may have mental health issues. At 15 with 3 pregnancies, it is a very real possibility that she was sexually abused at some point as well. Maybe she has an abuser. We just don't know. I try not to judge what I don't know...
@Blindbird, @AdorkableMe I of course agree with you both 100%. However if I were her doctor in that case, I would be so tempted to give a 6 months shot of Depo-Provera. If only for her own health. Either that or tell her (lie) that she has had her quota and any more would have to be carried full term.
This mornings Irish Times. such a powerful message from our Taoiseach.
[irishtimes.com]
Tilia
Level 7
May 23, 2018
4
You are brave & I'm glad things turned out well for you. Thank you for sharing.
phxbillcee
Level 10
May 22, 2018
3
Thank you for the kind words and you are most welcome!! ?
Moral (or ethical) absolutism teaches that there are behaviors, actions, conducts, etc. that are absolutely wrong, that is, those conducts are wrong always and in every context or situation. “Under no circumstance”, says a moral absolutist, “X” could be right or permissible”. The Roman Catholic Church, for example, and many Fundamentalists, teach and defend this philosophical theory. Relativism, on the other hand, teaches that conducts are not good or bad in themselves, but that a given action’s morality depends on the circumstances, the situation, the “context”. [For a good example, cf. “Situation Ethics; The New Morality”, by Joseph Fletcher. It is an old book, but I am an old man.] A person who says that abortion is ALWAYS wrong is an absolutist.
Interestingly, a person who says that abortion is ALWAYS right is an absolutist, too!!
Abortion, per se, is neither right nor wrong. In some circumstances it can be wrong, in others it will be the right and moral thing to do.
But it worries me to find in this Forum many moral absolutists, who cannot, and will not see that in Ethics, religion and morality there are no absolutes. When an ignorant priest preaches that “abortion is always a sin”, I protest against his absolutism; But I also protest against those “freethinkers absolutists” (an oxymoron) who in an equally dogmatic fashion insist that “abortion is ALWAYS right”. Words like “any reason”, “any interference”, etc, shows adherence to absolutism. If I believed in absolutes, I would join another Forum, like vatican.org, fundamentalists.com, or alahuakbar.org.!!
COGITOERGOSUM
Level 6
May 21, 2018
3
I first read that as vacation.org. A website dedicated to absolute holidays. No work, no childcare, just taking it easy - absolutely. Nice.
I'm not an absolutist. I can't say that abortion is the right decision for everyone that makes it because there will always be women that regret their decision to pursue an abortion. I can't even say that it is absolutely should be a person's own choice because there have been times when a person is unable to make decisions for themselves and someone must make them for them...but it is a medical procedure and should be up to those involved and not the general public..
@AdorkableMe I totally agree. No Institution, religious or political, should be allowed to intervene. Thanks for a challenging and profound thread. {BTW: I was not referring to you when I said there are some misplaced "absolutists" here. In fact, I think they don't even realize they are absolutists!} [Note: English is not my first language. So, forgive me if sometimes I write things I didn't mean to say.]
Nope. Abortion isnt "always right" but it IS always the choice of the person who the pregnant body belongs too. It does not matter in the least what You or anyone else thinks about that individuals choice. It is their body and only the individual has a right to make that decision.
@smoyle Ha, ha, ha. Good one!
Do you believe someone, or a panel of people, should have the power to say Yes or No to an abortion? Who decides?
@AnneWimsey (1) Of course, no. (2) The pregnant woman herself.
But, again, as it is the case with almost all decisions, this one would NOT ALWAYS be right, and NOT ALWAYS be wrong. That was/is my original point.
“I will warn you in advance, this is a deeply personal post and I will not tolerate any negative or inappropriate comments on this post.”
Does this mean you don’t want people to have their own opinion and post it here?
KenG
Level 6
May 21, 2018
2
You are entitled to your own opinion. If it is critical of my experience or choice, I would ask that you keep it to yourself or post separately.
KenG:
@AdorkableMe I’m not critical of your post and I agree with the rights of women to have terminations. I’m just wondering why you post on a public forum (the politics section) which (I believe) encourages free thinking, criticism and debating and ask for no one to criticise, only comment if they agree. Just seems a bit strange. No offence intended. 
Adorkable...((((HUGS))))
As someone who works at Planned Parenthood, may I hug you and say...OF COURSE an IUD can remove itself! We had a patient return six months after her IUD was implanted...pregnant, too! It's rare but it happens and nobody should EVER judge you for your decisions!
Back in the dawn of time, when abortion was illegal in this country, I had to fly to Mexico City...by myself...and stand on a corner, waiting for a man I didn't know to pull up and tell me to "GET INTO THE CAR!" I don't think my heart has ever pounded that hard again! But I was lucky...it was a good, safe abortion and I was fine afterward. (Took a walking tour of the pyramids later!) I'd been UNlucky because my diaphragm had failed me.
We become unhappily pregnant when (1) contraceptives fail us...and they do. (2) men fail us...we love them but, we all know, sometimes they fail us. (3) WE get carried away in a heated moment and fail ourselves.
NOBODY should be forced into unwanted motherhood because of failures like these. NOBODY.
LucyLoohoo
Level 9
May 28, 2018
2
What a frightening experience for you. I'm sorry. No one should have to make a drastic, potentially life threatening decision as you had to make l. We are supposed to be a progressive, first world country. I wish we would start acting like one!!
@AdorkableMe Thanks! I survived...and now, I help at Planned Parenthood because I don't want ANY woman to EVER have to go through that!
Says it all really. And the video of everyone shouting Savita' s name in the courtyard at Dublin Castle had me in tears.
Tilia
Level 7
May 26, 2018
2
It made my heart happy. It is a huge step for women's equality.
I was in tears watching coverage of how many Irish women living abroad took trips back for this important vote. Amazing!!!
So happy for you all!!
Just out of curiosity why couldn't your husband have just gotten a vasectomy
Drsmash253
Level 7
Aug 16, 2018
0
I'm not sure that is truly relevant to a woman's right to reproductive healthcare or anyone's business...but to answer your question, a vasectomy would not have helped in my situation. It would have lowered the possibility, but again, any possibility is too great a risk in my situation. My husband and I are polyamorous. He is not my only partner...but even if I was monogamous, relationships can and do end. What then? All of my future dating partners would need to undergo a vascectomy procedure? And wait the 6+ months and a possible 2nd procedure before possible intercourse? There is also the possibility that one's partner may not consent to the procedure. To further compound the issues of a vasectomy, we live in a rural area with one community hospital and two physician clinics all of which are Catholic run and none of which will provide that elective procedure. They also will not provide elective sterilization for females.
Reproductive healthcare is not a black and white issue. It is personal and complicated and should be between a woman and her objective healthcare provider. Your physician's personal beliefs, the US government, nor any of it's citizens personal beliefs should enter into a woman's choice. It should be as simple as providing a woman the best care and options that are available for her.
@AdorkableMe didn't mean to intrude I just thought it would be easy on you that's what I did for my wife and since I already knew I didn't want anymore children I thought that would be a loving thing to do for her
@Drsmash253 Understandable, it's just often more complicated than that. It is a reasonable and viable option and solution for some people, but not for others.
@Drsmash253 Also, no hard feelings. If I didn't want/expect questions I would not have posted. I know I'm not a "typical" case. I don't think I've ever been a typical anything. Lol. I posted because there are a lot of untypical cases and people. A lot of people see things in black and white. I wanted to give people more things to consider. I am open here about being poklamorous here, but it often brings a lot of judgment my way so I don't often include it in this story because I think it's harder for some people to see past it.
@AdorkableMe no judgement here Different Strokes for different folks I'm just glad to hear that you're not angry and you understand that I wasn't trying to be inflammatory
@Drsmash253 Nope, you're all good! ?
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