What drives me crazy is when someone never seems to have time for me but when they have that rare spare time they want me to drop everything to be with them. They never get that my time is valuable too. I don’t sit around waiting for them and run to them at their beck and call. I seem to find people like this for some odd reason. I hate feeling guilty for not being able to be there when they need me. And yes oh do they guilt trip me for saying no. I should know better but I dump one just to end up with another. May be there’s something I’m not doing right.
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9 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Am I missing something, or are you unhappy that they are.. feeling.doing exactly the same as you? You both want the others company, and you both have limited time (that rarely match up)
Im not trying to be mean, its just the way you described it is literally the same from either perspective..
dellik
Level 6
May 25, 2018
0
Obviously I hadn’t given too many details here. We are both busy people. The difference is I do understand that he has obligations and his own friends. And I do make time for us. He’s busy with a big project right now so I get that he doesn’t have much free time. I didn’t expect him to be off work during the day yesterday and needing to spend time with me. I own a business and have obligations. He was upset that I couldn’t just be with him. I mean I wish I could but it was just not the best time and he should understand. Instead he was asking me if it was because there’s someone else I was seeing. What? He often pulls the hurt puppy dog on me. It’s cute but gets old after awhile.
Figure out why you are drawn to that type of man to begin with. They seem to be attracted to you because you comply with their wishes. In the words of Nancy Reagan "JUST SAY NO". ☺
Sticks48
Level 9
May 24, 2018
1
Usually they go after me hard even if I’m initially not interested. They are charming, intelligent, exciting. I figure if they put so much effort into pursuing me then they would put much into the relationship so I give them a chance. There is where I go wrong. It’s hard to say no to them, at least for me.
I won't dare to say it's a matter of how you present yourself, because I have no idea what you're like as a person. But maybe it's something to think about. If you seem luxuriously available at the start, it'll attract a subconscious desire on another's part to take advantage of it. I make a point early on to illustrate in multiple ways how private of a person I am, and how much advanced notice I appreciate receiving at times when they wish me to participate. That doesn't always help, but at least they understand early how much I value my time for my own use.
Another possible thing to consider is the type of people you're attracted to. Narcissistic personality types are often very attractive and alluring people, but they are notorious for dismissing or ignoring the wants & needs of others, and that's especially true regarding social engagements. They may mistakenly believe you're as extroverted as they are.
Shawno1972
Level 7
May 24, 2018
1
If it makes you feel any better you aren't alone. I have consistently attracted women like tis over the past few years. Early on I would stress about it. Not any more. I have zero tolerance for this type of behavior now. Unfortunately, it can still be a major bummer but you have to keep yourself first. No one deserves to be taken advantage of
Tutankhamun
Level 7
May 24, 2018
1
sorry that happens. I have a certain type of people that seem to gravitate toward me. IT is weird how that happens. SOme new agey people say when this happens there is a lesson to be learned. I just went into the mental health profession so I can't socialize with them in my private life
btroje
Level 9
May 24, 2018
1
I know hey. How do they keep finding us. Lol. I grew up with my parents constantly putting me down telling me nobody would ever want me. When I had my first “real” boyfriend I kinda felt like if I didn’t keep him happy I will lose him and I will have nobody. I left him after over a year. It dawned on me one day I was too smart to someone’s doormat. But sadly it just became a pattern for me.
Those are toxic people...who basically profile us to find an empathetic person they can groom for more abuse, and one way they do it is by pushing our boundaries. It’s not selfish or unreasonable to want equality in a relationship, but they’re already making their own rules. If THEY do it, it’s ok. If WE do it...tantrum, guilt trip, manipulation.
Lovefraud.com and flyingmonkeysdenied.com have good articles on red flags.
I attract narcissists and other toxic folks because I’m very empathetic. I’ve learned to see the red flags and to avoid these people, or to get out very early on.
CarolinaGirl60
Level 8
May 24, 2018
2
Yes. I’m like you. For me, it seems to take awhile to finally let go of those persons despite knowing exactly what is going on. Thank you for those references.
You are absolutely right regarding narcissistic people, but I have to stop short of suggesting all people who do this are toxic. It is also very plausible that any given person may be making assumptions (valid or not) that come from a failure to set boundaries early in the relationship. Empathetic people generally go out of their way to be available to others; this makes us easy targets to be taken advantage of. You will likely agree with that. We have to understand that the responsibility rests on both parties and not every situation is exclusively the fault of the person taking advantage.
@Shawno1972 I agree, it’s not all them. Or all us. I take responsibility for my part in all the relationships I’ve been in.
There are many red flags, different levels of toxic. I’m finally at a point of no tolerance for boundary-crossing behavior. I will give them a chance to hear and respect my boundaries; if they won’t, that’s too toxic for me. We each have to assess and decide what’s healthy for us.
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