Agnostic.com

61 14

Ok, be sensitive because I am talking about someone I love very much. My mother is dying and I am taking it very hard indeed. I understand that as an atheist death of a loved one is exceptionally hard. There is no comfort in an afterlife, no belief the person will be in a “better place” and no notion I will be with them ever again. How have other atheists managed the death of someone they loved so much?

Livia 6 May 30

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

61 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

I asked this same question of atheists when my granny was dying and then when my mother was dying. They told me to listen to that speech about you will want a physicist to speak at your funeral. And they told me their energy will always be with me and that my brain was changed due to experiences with them. So the folds in my brain that they caused will remain with me so physically they will always be with me in that way. Those things made me feel better though losing my mother was not difficult for me. Losing my granny was hard though. :/

23

For me it's the ripples.
See, I do not know your Mom, until a moment ago I never heard of the woman.
Yet here she is touching me through you.
Her ripple washes over me.
LONG after you are gone, traditions, habits sayings and stories might well have her wash over others as well, along with your ripples.
We are not eternal beings, but the things we do and say create ripples which long outlast us, which affect the very nature of who others turn out to be.
It is fair to say that you would not be the YOU you know, without her input. Her ripples affected you.
And now me, through you.
Even now, with my own mother long gone, her ripple touches me as I empathize with your experience.
Condolences.

Beautifully said

9

I feel for you. Both of my parents are gone and it was hard. Their deaths changed me. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself room to grieve and grow. Reach out to the people in your life, most of them will want to be there for you and you'll need them. Don't close yourself off. You may feel like doing that but it will make this harder on you. Hugs.

9

My father died 3 years ago. For me it was about remembering the life he led and the example he set for me. I did not mourn his death but celebrated his life

jab60 Level 6 May 30, 2018
8

Horribly. Last night I couldn’t get to sleep and when I finally did, I woke myself up calling my son’s name.

I don't have words. My heart hurts for you.?

@Blindbird 😟

I didnt know

@AMGT ?

7

recall all the good that came of your relationship with her.THat the suffering of life is over, including the suffering of death if that is the case. THere isnt much to ease the grief of death,if you have others especially enjoy your time with them. I wish I had other more powerful suggestions. Hugs

7

I lost my father in 2012, and my mother in 2016.

They remain with me in my memories. They remain with me in my affections. They remain with me in my gratitude.

The sorrow is great, but somehow the good memories last last longer than the regrets - so as time passes the pain is replaced by the joy of having shared your life with someone wonderful.

7

well, I lost my sister just over a year ago and a beloved pet dog. the way I see it is that like before you are born it was completely peaceful with no pain and no concerns. like when you sleep but don't remember your dreams. I think that's the best option really. all you can hope for is a peaceful death and I do feel your pain. energy moves on and you must have death to have life as like many things it is a circle of moving energy. my ashes are going under 2 willow trees i planted for myself about 10 years ago where i used to play as a child and walk my dogs later on in life near a river. my energy will go into them but much more importantly they will help nature directly.

6

There recent passing of my mother, whom I was very close to, has been difficult. I definitely have not wrapped my head around how to feel or think about it/process it. My condolences for what you are going through. It is not easy. Hugs!

6

You simply manage. And, if your relationship has been a good one, you cherish the memories.

6

I'm in a similar situation.

Something which brings me comfort is thinking about how life, death, life, death, life... is a natural cycle and everyone is part of it. It is a universally shared experience.

I also mentally grasp the concept of life in the context of the cosmos. There is no meaning to life, it is an accident. It just is.

And it helps to think of life being the exception rather than the norm and that none of us is exempt.

This may sound crass (and I apologise if it does) but I think of a quote from the children's film 'Tuck Everlasting', which goes:

"Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live."

If someone enjoyed their life; that is something to celebrate, since we are all going to die anyway.

The brutal juxtaposition between being with the person you love and being without them, because of death, is not something which can be intellectualised out of. We have to hurt and we have to grieve because nature made us that way. It's in our DNA.

The silver lining is the lesson death teaches us - that our relationships with the people we love are precious and need to be cherished and nurtured.

I'm sorry if I've not helped, or worse still - if I've offended. I'm a clumsy fool sometimes. I hope you have support from friends and family members. Take care.

6

I have lost both parents to different forms of cancer. Losing my mom was especially hard and not something I will ever get over, nor do I want to. All we can do is cherish their memory and keep it alive. Very sorry for your loss. You have friends here

5

My Dad passed first. A couple of days after all the pomp and ceremony of the memorial service was over, I just went off by myself to a quiet place and cried. Shoulder shaking, loud crying. It didn't last long but it got the biggest portion of the grief out. Then I sat there, tears coming from time to time as I thought about him and my life with him. That's when I realized he really hadn't gone anywhere. He was still with me, in my thoughts, in my personality, in my genes. That is a very comforting understanding. I went through the same thing when my Mom passed away. Any thoughts about afterlife and all that other stuff didn't cross my mind because it was pretty much irrelevant. Knowing they are still with me, a part of me, is what's important.

Beautiful

[agnostic.com]

5

My mother died of cancer when I was 18. I did feel she was in a better spot because she endured so much pain in the end. Religious people told me her pain was a teaching moment between her and god. They said she would move into heaven faster because of the experience. I actually found that more troubling than the thought I'd never see her again. Now I am in my 60's and I look back over my life and I find she has been with me throughout my life. She has been remembered fondly. So though she is not with me physically, she has been by my side while all the big parts of my life have occurred. She was there because I put her there. If she was alive she would have fought hard to be there every time. So I didn't really miss her. I find a lot of comfort because of that. I hope this helps for now.

5

While it is a contradiction and a very difficult time possibly try and celebrate the good that your mother did in life. That good will live on in you or anyone else that she touched. A celebration of what your mother achieved, knowing her memory will live on with you and others? I do hope you get through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you.

5

I cried harder than I have ever cried, alot. I still do occasionally. After a while that becomes inappropriate. Other things happen. Happy things happen and I am happy about them. It is always there but there is room for good feelings after a while. I talk about her often, not in a sad way, when I see something she liked or use advice she gave me. I get angry at ways she never understood me or things she could have done for herself to have a better life. I use the quilt she made me, and feed the cat she gave to my daughter. I look at her Facebook page. It was the realest thing that ever happened to me. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

MsAl Level 7 May 30, 2018
5

I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this. I really can’t give you any advice, but I’m pretty sure that at some point you’ll find a way to cope with your sorrow. I hope the time until then passes quickly for you.

5

I've lost my husband and my mother so I hear your pain. I find comfort in the fact that we are made up of recycled atoms; atoms that will live on in others.

5

My father committed suicide 7 years ago and the event was traumatic when it happened. But I quickly became peaceful with my thoughts about it, so I didn't suffer much and was able to comfort other family in dealing with our emotions concerning what happened. I try to let everyone deal with death the best way they know how. But I think death can be another beautiful aspect of life.

5

I looked after my Mother for three years when she was dying. None one is really dead as long as you remember them.

Coldo Level 8 May 30, 2018
5

I feel it's easier to process a death as an atheist. When my mother died, I seemed to have handled it better than my siblings who still mostly had the religious mindset regarding death.

I think it was because I embraced the grief, instead of shunning it. I enjoyed surrounding myself with her things, rather than boxing everything up to send away out of sight. I wrote to everyone on her xmas card list (she died Dec 26th many years ago) to inform her extended circle of friends, individually, that she had died. Many of those people wrote back with their fond memories and other anecdotes. I felt that interacting with my mother's friends and the letter writing was cathartic and therapeutic as I painfully went through the shock and grief, realizing I was now an orphan.

If your mother has any wishes for her funeral/memorial, find out what they are and take comfort in carrying them out. Take the wonderful things about her personality into your heart so that you can carry her common sense or passions or what-have-you with you as you go through life. In this way, she's not gone but living on through you in a special way.

It's hard to think about losing someone as important in your life as your mother, and it will likely be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to endure. Let yourself cry... talk with those who know your mom... as they understand what you're going through.

You have her now, warm and near where you can interact with her, touch her, hug her... and that will be ending. That is the physical part that is so hard. There is a threshold of transition you'll need to cross. Keep her in your thoughts and memories to carry her with you. In this way she may be gone from this physical world, but she is not gone from your heart, if you keep her memory alive, through some sort of legacy. A ritual you do, an activity you perform on certain anniversaries, etc., can be helpful.

Her "afterlife" is within all those who loved her and remember her going forward.

5

I'm so sorry about your mom. We are here for you.

4

I am sure many here like me are feeling sorry for you right now. Be strong, continue living for her. About your question... I took life as it is, this is not forever. Lost many relatives from grandparents to siblings. Don't know when my father passed. Just be strong. My only fear about death is me losing one of my three children. Only experience I am not prepared for and believe I never be. I don't understand how my mother is that strong. Wish you the best and stay strong.

4

Time. Time to me is like a film reel. we only ever experience what is happening on the screen now and we can only ever move forward. however, this is only our human experience. let me ask you a question. WHERE is yesterday? I remember it. i have a degree of physical evidence for it, but WHERE is it? WHERE did the time go? If i had a spacecraft that travelled faster than light and a telescope tolook back to earth that was powerful enough to see individuals I might see you and your mum yesterday, or me and my mum 18 months ago, before she died. WE ARE STILL THERE. we just arnt experiencing it in the here and now. we can't turn back time, but that doesnt mean that yesterday does not exist. we simply can't go there. I knew my mum for 52 years. I will always be with her and she with me for all of that time, forever, because yesterday is always happening somewhere, its on the reel, my life moves on, but our shared life, each frame is forever playing in the theater of time...

Give your mum a hug.

[agnostic.com]

4

A long time ago I resolved this issue for myself. I know there is no afterlife but I also know that people we have loved, and hated for that matter, will live on for as long as people exist on this planet. The web of existence is a never ending continuum in which every person has an impact, positive and negative, on those around them, changing the world for ever. Those we've known and loved live on in us and we honor them by trying to live up to what was best in them and thereby pass their positive energy onto future generations.

4

In our 'Western' society, we are conditioned by our religious perspective to fear death unless we are perceIved by the religious mainstream to be 'good'. This fear becomes deeply ingrained. Freeing ourselves from the religious construct enables us to develop a more reasoned attitude to death and dying- No less emotional, I hasten to add, for the pain of loss is deeply felt, but rejecting the notion of crime and punishment does much to dispel the doubt and insecurity that can attend the loss- an appreciation of the true cycle of life. Focus on how precious is your memory of her, and on her real legacy: The look of your mother in yours or your children's eyes; her mannerisms, values and expressions passed on to those who have loved her. These are for your mother her true heaven, and the part of her that will never leave you.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:94281
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.