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On a first date do you go Dutch (share the bill)?

Do you as a women even want the guy to pay for dinner anymore?
Do you as a man expect to pay the tab for the date?

By paul1967
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29 comments

6

Etiquette states that whomever asks for the date pays for the date. However, when I was dating, I would often insist on going dutch. My generation of men tended to think if they paid, I was obligated to put out. Sad but true.

linxminx Level 6 Nov 3, 2018
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Obligated? Seriously? Would that not be the same as calling you a cheap whore? I'm from your generation and I would never call you that.

Edited

@paul1967 Yes seriously, but I never felt it was like being called a cheap whore. I'm on the tail end of the era of sex, drugs, and rock & roll, the free love era. It was also a time where women were breaking that glass ceiling...majoring in traditionally male dominated careers, and breaking down barriers. I feel like men just assumed I was this liberated, career-focused, free spirit who had no sexual boundaries-type of woman. I've dated a variety of men, from working class to CEO's with one thing in common, they were in my age-group, my generation. They all seemed to assume since I was divorced and single, I would just love to get it on, instead of wanting something meaningful that came with time and getting to know each other. But then, I also feel that men in my generation who are divorced after many years of marriage just want to cut lose and live a little. Can you blame them? I would pay for my share, thank them for the date, and be on my way.

@linxminx I hear you and that was very interesting. Thanks for that better perspective.

That's repulsive, @linxminx - and I'm very sorry you had to go through that. smile003.gif

@linxminx Tried to get your age from visiting your profile, but no luck. But from your description in this thread, it sounds like we're both Boomer generation. I agree with your statements about Boomer age men.

@TomMcGiverin You know it really depends on the source you look at, which can put me at the tail end of the Boomers, or into the Gen Xers. I think this is part of the issue, we were stuck in between. Born from 1960 to 1972ish, we were stuck in between 2 generations of pretty opposing thought. If you look at the marriage and divorce rates in the US, factoring in the average length of a first marriage, you'll see that the highest divorce rates occurred from 1975 to 2000, which certainly included those of us at the tail end of the Boomers and into the Gen X years. I think our views, opinions, norms, expectations, etc. bounced back and forth between the Boomer mentality and the Gen X mentality, and was especially hard on relationships and marriages. I often refer to my generation as the In-Betweeners. It's nothing that sociologists or anthropologists have observed or studied, but rather something I have felt and have an opinion about.

As i stated above, I expect nothing in return except maybe respect....

Hi

5

I try not to expect anything in particular from someone I don't yet know.

For a first date, I prefer doing something that doesn't require money from anyone - except the fuel to get to the meeting place. A hike, a walk in a park - even a kayak paddle.

evergreen Level 8 Nov 3, 2018
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Sounds like a great place to get to know someone.

@paul1967 One can learn a lot about someone while outdoors. How comfortable they are. How they move. What they notice while roaming. If they have an appreciation for the large and small non-humans.

That sounds romantic af.

4

I've always paid and turned down the offer to split the bill. I've also done the reverse when asked out by a woman.

Jay1313132018 Level 6 Nov 4, 2018
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4

I normally try to ask who's going to pay or if we need to split before we even go on a date

yukichan2018 Level 3 Nov 3, 2018
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4

I always offer to.

Susan74 Level 4 Nov 3, 2018
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4

I always offer. Never had a man say yes. But I still always offer.

GreatNani Level 7 Nov 3, 2018
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3

I would offer to share the bill as a courtesy.

VictoriaNotes Level 8 Nov 3, 2018
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3

I always meet for coffee 1st..if it works out, then
Dinner..I buy my own coffee ..he can buy 1st dinner.

Charlene Level 8 Nov 3, 2018
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3

I believe the correct protocol is that whoever invites the other (mostly the guy) pays. If the woman wants to equalise costs them my preference is to pay for alternate dates. A less preferred alternative is that each pays for specific parts of the date; for example he pays the restaurant, she pays for the theatre.

DoctorJohn Level 5 Nov 3, 2018
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3

This might be old fashioned, but the Southerner in me compels me to make a valiant effort to pay for it. If, however, my date insists on going Dutch, then I of course agree. However, if I'm the one that asked for the date, I do try my best to pay for it.

But then again, I use that same rule if I invite ANYONE out to lunch, dinner, or to get a drink - whether it's friends, family, or a date.

BTW, I am NOT one of those who believes that paying for a date's dinner obligates them to me in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. That is barbaric and misogynistic.

Geektheist Level 6 Nov 3, 2018
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Of course it is possible to frame the invitation is such a way as to clearly imply you are paying. "I have tickets to the opera/theatre/ballet/football" is pretty clear that you have already paid. Even "Can I take you out?" is reasonably clear to anyone with a grasp of basic grammar. "Can I buy you lunch/dinner?" might also work if in response to some favour.

I don't get the "owing" thing as in very generous by nature and expect nothing in return except maybe respect...
But i tend to give that freely too

3

In my time, men paid and did the asking. I will offer, and adapt to the pleasure of my date.

EdEarl Level 8 Nov 3, 2018
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2

If I ask someone out on a date, I go out planning and expecting to pay. Just feels normal to me, just used to that I guess. Now, if she at least offers to pay or help, that earns some points lol. But I'm still going to pay.

eStop Level 5 Nov 30, 2018
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I agree, it let's me think that she's not just looking for a free meal.

2

I'm old fashion...i pay, but I'll let her contribute...i don't like to do anything that offends nationalities like insult Nederlanders as cheap (a British insult going back to the colonial days when European sea pirates invaded and pillaged north America... ), but i do put good English on the cue when shooting pool... lol

Falcone17east Level 5 Nov 30, 2018
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2

I mean if the guy really doesn't want to pay I've gotten the, "Lets go to the park or Do a coffee date".

Jaed Level 4 Nov 3, 2018
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2

Always offer to split bill....but always nice when the guy declines ..!

Jaydee123 Level 5 Nov 3, 2018
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Saves some bucks.

2

I always offer. I’ve never had a gentleman take me up on it though.

Green_eyes Level 7 Nov 3, 2018
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We wouldn't be gentlemen if we did ; )

@maturin1919 😂

2

I always offer to split it. I’ve almost never been taken up on that.

brainyactress Level 7 Nov 3, 2018
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1

If it's a date for coffee and the man invited me, I would let him pay. If it's dinner or lunch, I would offer to contribute, but wouldn't insist. If all went well, I would invite him out and would take the bill as the waitperson presented it.

katem Level 1 Dec 19, 2018
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1

Yep...always do with little argument most of the time

maxhyde Level 7 Dec 19, 2018
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1

I expect to pay if it's a bona fide date. Of course, if she strongly prefers to go Dutch, that's what you do.

aintmisbehaven Level 5 Dec 3, 2018
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1

I'd prefer to pay for dinner unless she says Dutch then I do Dutch. A lady I dated once paid me back for her half of all the meals when we broke up. I was kinda offended then I liked it. It was like getting money back from IRS, if the IRS was a secret social conservative Dominican that didn't appreciate my ability to spot phallic symbols in traditional African artwork.

Bignate901 Level 5 Dec 3, 2018
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1

I'm 61 and I feel that it depends on how both people feel. If I'm asked out I ask if the person wants to go dutch. Usually the guy pays.

Artsywench61 Level 3 Nov 30, 2018
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You're 61? I hate you for your genes lol. Just kidding. I'm 50 and I look older than you.

@paul1967 Sorry...but you don't look 50. Thanks for the compliment though...

1

Girl should not let the man pay whole 😢

Sahitya Level 1 Nov 30, 2018
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1

I always offer to split, but will defer to the one who did the inviting on the date if they feel strongly about it, unless I am picking up a creepy vibe and want to avoid being in an "owing" situation.

Zster Level 7 Nov 4, 2018
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I know you know this but I'll say it anyways you never owe anyone anything period. And nobody should ever feel like they do. Again I have no doubt you understand

1

If I ask her out I pay.

maturin1919 Level 7 Nov 3, 2018
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I agree. It might be an outdated custom, but it's one I rather enjoy.

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