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Is dating, long-terming, or marrying out of the question for you with a religious person or persons? Is it to wide of a fundamental chasm to bridge, or is being non-religious not hat far up on your list of priorities?

By SteveGee4
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38 comments

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9

It's a deal breaker. I would feel that I couldn't be as open with him. I wouldn't be able to share my journey out of religion and what I discovered along the way, via distinguished biblical archeologists and scholars, or my own personal studies and experiences that lead to my deconversion.

Q: "So, Victoria, what do you do in your spare time?"
A: "I blog about religion and its impacts on society and the brain, e.g., strategic techniques used to indoctrinate, as well as bring awareness about Religious Trauma Syndrome."

Besides, I was once married to someone who was a believer. I was still a believer at the time we got married, but when I deconverted, he was not happy about that. We divorced. Why borrow trouble again? smile009.gif

Nice work. I feel the same way. Why go down that same hard road again. We CAN learn as we get older sometimes..!

I like the four last in your comment. You put it well.

I would love to read that blog. I had to really divorce myself from all Christians when I left and became unindoctrinated. Thanks!

Sharing that journey with others is an important aspect of this site. I also agree "Why borrow trouble again" it is better to not have a relationship than to have one which is draining.

6

I'm not getting married, but in terms of dating or LTR it's not a deal breaker if the religious perspective is especially mild and liberal. But, that said, it would be a red flag that I'd watch pretty carefully.

resserts Level 8 Dec 27, 2017
6

Walking the dogma path is of no interest to me. It creates a friction level and potential limiting conversation in my life. Not only that -this may sound snotty and uppity- but it's beneath me in so far as I've crossed that bridge long ago. It doesn't make sense to go backwards.

MyLiege Level 7 Dec 27, 2017
6

Balance and understanding. It may be difficult but it's worth a try if your in love.

Wholeheartedly agree!

6

I wouldn't have enough in common. I tried a live-in relationship with someone who once studied for the priesthood. They need to be liberal politically as well.

5

Absolutely too far of a compatibility difference for me. I tend to pity those indoctrinated from childhood and am flabbergasted by any adult who would voluntarily choose such a delusion. Friendship is a possibility, but the respect needed to underpine anything romantic would simply not be there.

Zster Level 8 Dec 27, 2017

Why can’t I be that concise, and accurate smile009.gif

4

I can't say for everyone... depends on the 2 individual and how hard are they willing to try to make it work but in my long life I am sure I was defeated in a relationship by god before.

4

Depending on the relationship and the people involved, the difference could even be fairly interesting. However, I found all that dynamic discussion changed when it came to end-of-life issues. When my wife, for example, was dying of cancer and expecting me to say that I'd see her again in her fairy-tale heaven, and I couldn't honestly tell her that, it became painful beyond belief--and that's not something I ever want to repeat.

Whoa dude. That's tough. I was in a similar situation when my grandson died. Best to know our limits.

? ?

I can not talk sometimes until I walk in another man's shoes.

4

I couldn't do it. I consider myself atheist and my ex considered herself agnostic athough I think she was more of an atheist-light. We definitely shared identical views on organized religions.

While I do believe everyone should be free to believe (or not believe) what they want, I just know that I could never be in a serious relationship with anyone who firmly believes in that stuff.

KevinD872 Level 5 Dec 27, 2017

People should be free to believe what they like? KKK?

@Agnostic1 Well if you want to get technical, the constitution protects their right to be racist, but obviously I'm talking about religion. ????

@KevinD872 - The KKK is a religious organisation.

@Agnostic1 I guess I never realized that but again, that would make them even more protected by the constitution.

Like all religions, they can keep their ignorant, judging and hateful views to themselves as they are free to do. Just don't try forcing them on me or others.

@KevinD872 - Sorry Kevin, but what planet do you live on? There are NO religions which don't force their ideas on others - that's the whole point of being "the chosen ones". How you can sit there and say the KKK is ok as long as they don't force their ideas on you - have you any compassion for all the black people they've killed???

@Agnostic1 I'm not sure if you're being intentionally obtuse or what. Where did I say the KKK is ok?

When I say force ideas onto others, I'm talking about successfully passing laws based on their religious beliefs.

It was obvious what I intended in my original post. And like it or not, the constitution gives people the right to believe what they want. Acknowledging that right is not the same as agreeing with them.

3

It all depends on the how strong this persons religious convictions are . Are they fanatical church goers .Do they contribute large amounts of money to the church,Do they attempt to change you etc .I have been married for 32years to my wife ,who believes in a god but not religion ,or church ,she excepts my non belief and this difference does not cause any issues whatsoever.An individual that will not associate with a believer is no different than a believer that discriminates against a non believer . .

richiegtt Level 7 Dec 27, 2017

Not associating, and not becoming a partner of some sort are two different things. But I certainly commend you on yours and your wife's successful relationship. It may require more patience and understanding than I have. I do have several Beleivist friends and associates, and family members that still talk to me. But I don't think I could partner with one. Date, yes...But that's another question. Thanks man.

3

My last two boyfriends were Christians. One of the first questions I asked each was how they could reconcile having sex outside of marriage; one rationalized it by saying that people are not married when the contract is signed, but when two people love each other. The other said that he was not perfect like Jesus and all humans sin--a total cop out. I found that their hypocrisies extended to other areas of their lives. I do not think that I could date a Christian who thinks I am gong to hell again. There are, however, much more liberal Christians, and that could be acceptable.

Does a more liberal Christian not believe you are going to hell?

@SteveGee "Christian" is a very loose term and there are not only many denominations, but within denominations, the opinions vary from person to person. Some do not believe in hell, some believe that hell is a temporary place where souls stay until they figure out that they need to repent. Some think that scriptures were misconstrued. My 71 year old sister has been a devout Southern Baptist since childhood, but lately, she has been rethinking some tenets of Christian dogma. She believes in god, but she says that no one, not even the Baptists, understands "god." So in reply to your question, it depends upon the liberal Christian.

Gotcha. I'm so post-theist that those nuances escape my radar. Thanks.

@SteveGee Religion fascinates me and it is intimately intertwined with my passion for mythology. I know the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures better than do most Christians.

3

Opposites do attract but from experience I know it does not end well. If both are not on the extreme side of their convictions it might work.

3

Oh hell no! Everybody’s different, but I could never be with no religious person. I’m sure they couldn’t be with an atheist, either. It’s too much an annoying hassle.

Right, it goes both ways...! Never thought of that. Do you suppose there are Believers having the same discussion on one of their pages...!!??

@twshield alright!

2

The only way that would work for me is if we never spoke to each other.

I agree

HA...!

2

Naaaaah. I don't mind someone being religious, as long as it doesn't make them an asshole.....well, actually, as long as someone isn't an asshole at all is kinda the main qualifier here, lol.

2

I have dated non-religious and spiritual people, but that was not enough either. Spiritual people can sometimes be in competition with one another (Non-Christian/Christian/Any faith), and then it is the egos that kill the relationship. The biggest deal breaker I have found are a lack of authenticity, fear of showing their true selves, and if they do then their truest selves were never compatible with me. It did not involve religion per se, but a lack of personal integrity which killed the relationships. Belief in magick and Paganism can be very powerful glue because these people are not held to Christian dogma. Some beliefs insist that women are the inferior gender, so that cannot work with a woman who is not a practicing church mouse, and so on... If there were faith involved it would have to be rooted in mutual respect 1000 percent of both genders, where no one is considered inferior. I have noticed long lasting relationships with alpha women who are paired with beta men. Women heads of household which can be very pagan. I don't think that there is any guarantee. Once you have outgrown that 'story', that 'experience', then nothing can keep you together - people need lots of experiences and one simply cannot glean that from just one partner for a lifetime, I feel.

Issa Level 5 Dec 28, 2017

Some people can, but it is indeed very rare.

2

It depends on the person for me. Really I want to say No I would never be in a long term relationship or marry someone who is religious, but if it barely played apart in their life, like they didn't go to church or pray or anything then it would not bother me.

So, you think they may be reasonable enough to become free of dogma one day? Is that reading to much into your answer?

@SteveGee No. I have just met people that were religious but it didn't really play a big part in their life. It was hardly ever brought up unless they were around family like at Christmas and such.

2

I'd not marry anyway but relationship with religious person? Wouldn't work. One night stand on the other hand...

Trapezoid Level 5 Dec 27, 2017
2

Seems as we age, we get further down individual paths of philosophy and interests… I no longer expect to have as much in common with a woman as I had with my young wife when we started out.. I now expect there’d be all kinds of lifetime hobbies and habits I’d have to accept, with several of my own heaped on!

But - there’s a limit, and Religion’s it for me. And, it hardly seems a choice… Met a women that felt as drawn to me as I to her around a year ago. Local, in a small village, we were thrilled. Instantly ‘friends on facebook,’ and correspondence through her busy teaching obligations. She'd casually mentioned ‘her church,’ as I attempted to ignore it. The presidential campaign was in full steam, I know she wouldn’t have supported ‘trump,’ but there she was, giving a ‘thumbs up’ to a relative's new trump sweatshirt…

Next the religion, some backwoods semi-southern appalachian nonsense… OK, it was likely a combination of the two, both politic & religion ... but if you aren’t on the same page, as we sadly agreed, where’s the future in that..?

Varn Level 8 Dec 27, 2017

Sounds a bit terrifying.

2

The couple dynamics is what counts.
It's hard to find a match as it is, less adding more restrictions.
It seems like a religious-light and agnostic/atheist couple can get along.

TonesX Level 5 Dec 27, 2017
2

As long as they do not try to push their beliefs onto me. i do not push my beliefs onto anyone. However if they are too religious that would create a problem. I went out with a girl for three weeks and i had to tell her that we were not compatible. She was one of those that started every single conversation with the bible says, god want us to, etc., etc., I could not see myself i a long term relationship with such a close minded person.

noworry28 Level 7 Dec 27, 2017

You have beliefs?

Yes, I believe that people who believe in an invisible bearded man who lives in the sky cannot think for themselves. I believe that the stars in the sky are suns that have planets that orbit them just as earth orbits our sun.

I suppose we need to define "belief" in that case. Typically it's used as a way to identify non-evidence based claims that one feels are nevertheless true. I have beliefs, [believe it or not!] . For instance, I have drawn what appears to be a reasonable conclusion that some sort of life exists somewhere else in the universe besides here. That is a totally unsubstantiated belief. But for you to "conclude" that folks who believe in sky ghosts are incapable of thinking for themselves is, in my opinion a reasonable conclusion based on observation and reason. Maybe not quite a belief as much as an observable condition. And I agree with you. Therefore to believe the stars are suns and so on are good facts, not beliefs. I believe [ha!] that you work from facts and reason and not beliefs. Thanks for rolling with me on my soapbox about beliefs, I've actually given this a bit of thought. I'm not trying to correct you, just clarify our vernacular.

2

I don't want to marry anyone. I don't need anyone's approval to be with someone for a start. as for a strongly religious person, i just can't see that working well.

2

For me it’s not. I’m happy to let people think what they will and meet in the middle somewhere. The religious, on the other hand, are nowhere near as accommodating.

And therein lies the rub...!!!

Fait accompli

2

It would be out of the question for me. I offer, and expect to receive in return, absolute emotional honesty in all such relationships, and that would include the abandonment of the lie that God exists.

irascible Level 8 Dec 27, 2017
1

Deal Breaker for me ! We would simply think different. So if you go to church , it's a No for me smile001.gif ( BTW - the picture of you with the dog is great ! )

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