39 14

How would your perfect dating profile read?

Mine would be, female seeks mechanic / carpenter with plumbing and building skills for long walks and "other", must have a dog 🐢. πŸ˜‚

By Josephine7
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39 comments

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15

Knackered old, middle aged female. Grumpy, hates travelling and hiking. Seeks adoring male stripper/fireman hunk/male model adonis in their late 20s who is only attracted to haggard type women with red hair and no one else ever.

Ellatynemouth Level 8 July 3, 2018

@jioo087

You sweet talker!

Entirely reasonable!

12

If I were to create a dating profile, which I'm not.... lol!

Sweet, caring, beautiful woman, seeks middle-aged man. Domestic goddess, but I will not be anyone's slave. I enjoy facial hair. Brown eyes, or hazel/green, please. Dark hair is so yummy, but I've been known to appreciate red hair, also. Physical physique is negotiable. Intellect is not. Must be smart, and supportive of my dreams.

I'm the kind of woman you should be a good man for.

If you're intimidated by strong, intelligent women, you need not apply. If you have such low self-esteem you feel the need to knock others down to lift yourself up, do not apply.

Must be sexually adventurous; I cannot stress that enough. Poly friendly, please (FMF). We're all adults here, pick up your chin, hun. πŸ˜‰

Be down for hiking, canoeing, jogging, wine, craft beer, movies, fantastic food, odd unknown music artists, home cooking, and lots of very passionate kink. I've always wanted to try paddle boarding, too.

I want to build a happy and prosperous future with my partner. I work hard. I play harder. Let's see the world, together.

@NerdyOkieDude squirrel!

WOW , you are exactly what I was looking 45 years ago , dam wrong time frame !

Damn... I have blue eyes and don't drink. Lol. I was about to ask how I'd apply smile002.gif

11

Seeking partner in crime for concerts, dancing and ice cream.
I got troubles - Don't ask me. I won't tell.
Must be genuinely good humoured.
(No, I'm not dating!)

AmiSue Level 8 July 3, 2018

Not dating either but you have to admit that you have a very good line.

@Surfpirate Keep it simple, I say.

11

Has nice Duplex, one side empty.

GuyKeith Level 8 July 3, 2018
10

Missionary positions available. No experience necessary.

Is this a Nun thing? Maybe a Sally Fields kinda thing, with the flying and the habit? smile009.gif

9

Apparently it doesn’t matter since most men only look at the pictures. Haha!

Isn't that the damn truth?

I didn't know there was anything else? smile001.gif

I know. Did you see the picture that @seasoot_run put up? πŸ˜ƒ

9

"Has to be seen to be believed" just spend 20 minutes with me. No seriously, any longer than that and you'll realize I'm really bitchy.

I don't believe you.

@Ellatynemouth lady any man approaches me with a penis rn and he will find himself in mortal danger. I have been trying to explain that women don't need mens consent for what women do with their own bodies all day, on this site even.

@Blindbird

I totally agree with you about that.

I find it hard to believe that you're bitchy. That's what I meant.

9

Lecherous old duffer seeking promiscuous middle aged woman with body of a beauty queen and mind of a Cairo sewer... well you did ask.

Flettie Level 7 July 3, 2018

Honesty can work, just be careful what you ask for as you might just get it and have to keep up with it. smile009.gif

@Surfpirate I married her

@Flettie I married my adventurous queen as well, this is her riding in the back of a pick up truck in the Andes of Peru. We may not find our mate the first time around but if we keep trying eventually most of us do find each other, the trick is to never give up.

Cairo's sewers are quite hygienic I've heard.

@Flettie

The Salvation Army uniform.. Very chic.

@Flettie, @Surfpirate

She looks beautiful.

@Ellatynemouth yeah they upgraded. She's a Salvation Army stormtrooper in that shot. In this one she's a bit piratey smile001.gif

@Flettie

Ha ha!

9

Mine would be daft silly clever funny guy wanted. Must like gin smile009.gif

Amisja Level 8 July 3, 2018

You might want to specify the type of gin, just to weed out the tossers.

@Surfpirate Good point. Say Hendrick's and keep it classy. I have no idea where those Gordon's bottles came from...

@AmiSue Bombay Sapphire on the Rocks is my go to but I like to mix it up with a bit of Hendrick's now and then, a bit too much cucumber flavour for my taste but nice for a change. Gordon's Gin is found in surgeries for sterilizing wounds and the like, am I right?

@Surfpirate ...and in a poor woman's Tom Collins smile009.gif

@AmiSue Tanqueray is about the same money as is Beefeater, the Tanqueray 10 or the Beefeater 24 if you just feel like treating yourself.

@Surfpirate Is 'plenty' a type?

@Surfpirate Nordes is my fav

@Amisja 127 different kinds of gin online at the government run liquor store but no Nordes, lots of other tasty gins including 17 bottles of Tanqueray Malacca Gin which a friend of mine loves and I had thought they no longer made, will have to tell him when I call him to wish him a happy birthday tonight.

9

Basically, you want an employee.

PalacinkyPDX Level 8 July 3, 2018

Ha ha! Except for the 'other'.

8

Witty, debonair, clean-shaven man seeks outgoing middle aged wisecracking blonde for exchanging witty banter while fishing, dining, travel, and more. Homebrewing skills a plus, along with knowing the scientific names in Latin for a wide range of aquatic organisms. Please have multiple dogs and an assortment of mismatched kitchen appliances.

Obviously, I am going to die alone.

seaspot_run Level 7 July 3, 2018

I read this thread as write the perfect profile for me to respond to. smile001.gif Obviously I am not a man.

Sarcasim as a second language. A definite plus.

8

Mine should probably read "brutally honest grump with a dumb sense of humour seeks someone willing to put up with me. Preferably vegetarian, skeptical as fuck, and into really weird metal music. Please be under 5'8", I'm tired of looking up at people all the damn time."

Ellievescent Level 4 July 3, 2018

WOW, Not far of what I might put. though clever and dark sense of humour, smile001.gif

8

Clean, runs good, cold AC

escapetypist Level 8 July 3, 2018

It just makes a person want to ask the obvious question - 'How Much?' Sounds like a good deal to me, not a race car but it will get you where you wanna go every time and it's cool. smile049.gif

@Surfpirate Zero down

8

Read mine. And do the opposite

Count_Viceroy Level 7 July 3, 2018
8

My wife always said she liked my ass but I'm now starting to question this as a Master Builder. smile009.gif

Surfpirate Level 8 July 3, 2018
7

I'm currently unavailable because I met the perfect woman for me!

farmboy2017 Level 7 July 3, 2018

Did you meet on this site? Just curious

@HeraTera No, I've not met anyone. That's just what my perfect profile would say. πŸ˜„

@farmboy2017 Well I guess it would be perfect if it accomplished that goal smile002.gif

@HeraTera True! Maybe it'll happen πŸ˜„

7

Seeking a sexy lady that cooks and cleans, and turns into a ham sandwich after sex.

gater Level 7 July 3, 2018

Forever Alone

6

Female seeking for a smart, classy, elegant, fun and good cooker SALSA DANCER!!! yesssssssssssssssss
too much ?? LOL

vmedel Level 6 July 3, 2018
6

You want an odd job man then ?

Simon1 Level 7 July 3, 2018

An odd job man and some brain candy... Who dances.

5

Man seeking woman who loves the outdoors especially offshore fishing. Smart and witty are a plus. Fascination with science and the wonders of our natural world are desired traits. Education level is not a factor but should realize that google is not a university. Interested in Long Beach walks. No Trumpers need apply. Please post picture of the biggest fish you have ever caught and the place where you go for serenity. If you don’t have any fish pictures that’s ok we will get you one. πŸ˜ƒ

Mikeb56 Level 6 July 3, 2018

Not the biggest, but...

Might wanna rephrase that

@seaspot_run sweet πŸ˜ƒ

@seaspot_run nice striper.

5

Seeking soul mate who doesn't mind waking up to Walter Matthau look-a-like every morning. Also, must consider the aroma and application of Bengay cream an aphrodisiac.

@Josephine it's a topical muscle pain relief cream like IceyHot. It's an older product that I grew up applying to my grandma's hands for arthritis pain relief.

@Josephine Too young to know that, eh? LOL!!!

How oral are you !!

5

I would scrap whatever dating profile I had after getting bad mouthed to the the point of deleting the original profile and come back new. There’s a T shirt in the end game.

djswan Level 4 July 3, 2018
5

Middle aged knight errant in shining armour with a few dents from tilting at windmills and burnishing from dragon fire, seeks mature queen of all she surveys, with feminine wiles and clever repartee for further adventures and romantic escapades.
(self absorbed princesses and other pretenders need not apply)

Surfpirate Level 8 July 3, 2018
5

Live in female carer/companion/escort/dog walker needed. Patience essential. Ideal woman should be optimistic and have a sense of humor. Independent wealth desirable. Cat lover's need dot apply.

Stealthbeard Level 5 July 3, 2018
5

perfectly imperfect no gerbles yet or chickens or other farm animals

whiskywoman Level 7 July 3, 2018
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