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Sexual Compatibility - How better to phrase it?

Am I the only one who thinks that the profile question "Is sexual compatibility important to you?" is not asking the right question? I think that the only people to whom sexual compatibility is not important are people that are inexperienced in matters of long term love, or those who are either oblivious or uncaring about the damage that it causes when sexual incompatibility exists. I think that the real question is "Do you have a high, moderate or a low drive?" After all, if both people have the same drive, they will be much happier in the long run. I know that drives can be affected by emotional issues within the relationship, but that exception aside, what are your thoughts?

Addendum:
Relationships are complicated, no matter how you look at them. They are 2 or more people choosing to remain in communication with one another for some purpose. Add into that connection an agreement that the relationship is of a sexual or romantic nature and it gets more complicated. I know that building a happy, healthy relationship requires work, compromise and respect between its members. My question is targeted solely towards a better way of communicating sexual compatibility. When I wrote this question, I wasn't even thinking about compatibility of tastes, and I appreciate the broadening of the issue - because yes, same drive, different pleasures can also make a huge difference in how you relate sexually and the impact it has on a relationship.

That said, my question still remains the same, for those that agree with me that the question could be better phrased: What would be a better question? Obviously, once you start talking to someone and trust them, you will get more specific - but what is a good starter question, for those who choose to answer it?

By FlippantLlama
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77 comments

13

In my experience, if two people are intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually compatible, then sex becomes an extension of the intimacy they already share. This is why I am very selective in choosing sexual partners; because I need to know that I can be completely vulnerable with this person.

RedneckProfessor Level 6 July 9, 2018
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That resonates with me. If I don't feel a deep connection and trust I cannot be open, expanding my boundaries or vulnerable. Those are the needed parts for the fun to begin and sex and intimacy are my adventure with the right person.

12

I think they are both important. No guy will ever be able to match my drive. However, if you think sex once a week is enough or you only like gentle sex, you don't give oral....we're not going to work. πŸ˜‚ Also I wish this site would add all kinds of questions like OkCupid.

Kanda Level 5 July 8, 2018
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Challenge accepted.

I agree with your comment about OKC. And... OKC allowed members to contribute those questions. @Admin

That is a great idea. Okcupid does have a lot of questions.

10

I'm open to add sex-related questions such as "Do you have a high, moderate or a low sex drive?" or even "What are you into? oral, sex, anal, bdsm, toys, role play, fetish" ... and only show the answers to people who have also filled them out.

Admin Level 8 July 9, 2018
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"How important is sex in a relationship? not important, somewhat important, very important" ... might be analog to "sex drive". "What is your sexual style? N/A, romantic, intimate, adventurous, sub, Dom, passive, Olympic, other [multiple choice]"

@Admin I know you're being serious, and I genuinely appreciate it, but that made me giggle. Heck - that might be exactly the right reason to phrase it that way!

Then we must consider at what point does Agnostic.com cross the sometimes fuzzy line to appearing to be a hookup site? What questions are constructive? Which are not? Not easy decisions to make.

@CoastRiderBill I'm agnostic on what people use this site for so long as it improves their lives (and is legal). We have to be careful, however, to care for the overall community.

How about "how important is hygiene to you?"

or "Are you good at communicating about sexual needs?"

9

I think compatibility is purposefully vague because what is compatible for one person might not be the same for another and part of the relationship process is to figure that out. If there is no chemistry, why bother going any further by asking if your date is into bondage, anal sex, or whatever. Drive has nothing to do with compatible interests, but you are correct, frequency can be an issue. Sex once a week might be acceptable to some; sex three times a day for others. Interesting question you pose...

thinktwice Level 7 July 9, 2018
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I agree. It is as unique as each coupling

8

Compatibility encompasses more than drive.

maturin1919 Level 7 July 8, 2018
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Absolutely - that's what I'm getting at. The question is too vague. Looking at the comments that people have made since my post, maybe it shouldn't even be an option for platonic-only members.

@FlippantLlama So you want what, an explicit sexual survey?

@maturin1919 - No, I think that's something that would come in time between two people who want to share that info. I just think that a different phrasing might be necessary, because presently I haven't seen anyone who doesn't think that sexual intimacy is important.

@FlippantLlama They're out there, trust me. Was married to one.

@maturin1919 - Me too, hence my post.

7

is your Kinky Syncy?

hankster Level 8 July 11, 2018
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You are a beautiful human bean!

@OpposingOpposum wow. thanks. you're gonna ruin my reputation...lol πŸ˜‰

7

I took it as are you on the same page sexually. Like are you into threesomes but your partner is not? That is something that needs to be discussed early in the relationship so no one is surprised years later when you find out that it never was an option.

VelociraptorRemy Level 6 July 8, 2018
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6

Guess I'll be the old fashioned person here. I'd like to get to know someone a bit, like probably in person, before discussing sexual preferences. I mean, seriously, I'd like to find out if someone is compatible in so many ways that can only be determined by getting to know someone. If the chemistry is there, the sexual compatibility will be there. I've never thought that choosing a mate should be like checking off a list of qualities and activities. Of course that is the real problem with online dating. It's an attempted shortcut that can never really substitute for actually getting to know someone. I understand that it is difficult to make connections in this day and age, particularly for the agnostic community and especially for us older folks, so we do use online, but still, it is very limited. What I like about this site is that there seem to be avenues to get to know people.

I also have trouble with the question about sex in the activities section. If I list sex as a hobby, does that mean I am interested in hanging out at sex clubs or interested in screwing a new guy a week? If it is in reference to relationships, then it needn't be there since (as someone else put it) duh, most everyone is interested in sex within the context of a relationship. If someone holds an extreme position on sex, maybe they should just mention it in their profile.

itsmedammit Level 7 July 22, 2018
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You would think that most everyone was interested in that. You would be wrong. This is one of the many reasons I ended up divorced. I listed it as an interest just to make sure people know where I stand.

@Paul4747 So where do you stand? Is sex like a hobby for you?

@itsmedammit
It's definitely something I need in a relationship. If I'm not in a relationship, I do without, but it's on my mind that I'm doing without. Worst of all was being in a marriage and doing without, because my ex, after 10 years, plainly said she had no interest whatsoever in sex anymore. But she would lay down for me whenever I wanted, which was... depressing. She would let me "have my way" out of obligation, because I was the husband, was the message that came across. I became depressed and eventually more or less impotent because my wife wanted nothing to do with me physically. Not just sex, almost any form of physical affection other than a ritual goodnight kiss.

So where I stand is that anyone interested in me needs to know that I consider sexuality and physical closeness a vital part of a relationship. I might as well get that out front, I figured.

@Paul4747 I wonder if the lack of interest in sex is more a symptom of no longer being interested in the relationship, rather than just a lack of interest in sex. Sounds like what happens in a lot of marriages, when either partner checks out emotionally. Sorry you went through that.

What I was getting at was when someone lists sex as an interest or vice, whatever, it sounds to me more like a hobby, like maybe the person hangs out in sex clubs or whatever.

@itsmedammit Thank you. I think in retrospect we weren't compatible to begin with, she's from a very traditional religious family and at a certain point I think she felt a wife becomes a "mother" and that's when those kind of goings-on are supposed to stop. She was a homemaker and mother and companion, but no longer a lover.

I saw what you were getting at, hopefully you understand what I mean when I say it's probably not at all like that for most people. Simply stating that sex is an important part of life and explicitly something we expect in a relationship. I think that's why most people who check that box do so, it's certainly my reason.

@Paul4747 Thanks for your explanation.

6

Many of the questions for building a profile on this site do little justice to actually get to know someone, like including "sex" as an option for something one enjoys... Well, duh! We're f-n humans, of course we like sex, but after checking that box, I was like: "wait, what? Does that make me sound like a pig?"...

As far as compatibility goes, that is case by case, and in how two people evolve with each other (for the sake of argument, I am using "two" as the beginning standard). Compatibility isn't always smooth on the first go round, but that doesn't mean that it won't get better.

I use this site for community, I have never done online dating, but the whole "what do you enjoy?" question cracks me up, because my answer would be "smoking, drinking, fucking" - not that I have a problem with long walks on the beach - as long as they result in fucking, smoking, and drinking... Maybe I'm too honest smile009.gif

TroyBarber64 Level 7 July 9, 2018
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"Well, duh! We're f-n humans, of course we like sex" - I've met more than a few along the way, who admitted to not wanting/liking sex - women and men, for various reasons.
Best not to assume.

@evergreen you're probably right, but at 54 years old, I've never met any of them. I've met people with different expectations in frequency, but haven't met anyone with no interest at all...

6

I think the question is intentionally vague. I've seen other users who were concerned about the responses they might get if they indicate they are open to sex. But it's also about more than just how active your sex drive is. Your preferences, fetishes, orientation, etc. all factor into your compatibility.

Katrik Level 7 July 8, 2018
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Again, I don't know if I would regester if those were the types of questions that I would be comfortable answering right off the bat!

@Angelastras i think tney are always optional. In OKC you can't read an answer of someones if you didnt answer it. Also members create questions. I amsweted kber a thousand because I wanted to see someones answer. At that point I got a message I could create questions.

5

It's not just sex, it's also the smell, taste and touch of the other person. Does their voice turn you on? How does staring into their eyes feel? Some of these are very animal reactions to another person even if they're filtered though the human intellect. Personally, if I don't like someone's smell or taste, I won't want to get physically intimate with them. And people, if you want sexytime... take a bath, because stank ain't sexy.

I also am attracted to someone's taste in music, art, clothes or general style. If someone really likes Toto or Rush and wears Hawaiian shirts and flipflops, it's unlikely I can find them attractive.

PalacinkyPDX Level 7 July 23, 2018
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You are very correct on smell, touch, and taste. If you spend time apart in separation these areas might change and it adds to possibility of permanent separation. Humans are also animals. Intimacy depends a lot on these areas.

5

After I was married for 27 years. You get busy and forget to make time. In my next chapter it is very important to have that chemistry and not loose it!!

Rose2U Level 7 July 22, 2018
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What it really boils down to is you get busy to stay away from the other person and avoid intimacy and painful conversations. AKA relationship death.

5

I think the question should be "How flexible are you in your own sexual practices in being able to meet a potential partner's needs?" As you indicated, most people want sexual compatibility. But the real question is how far are you willing to go in order to achieve "compatibility"? One might have never experienced anything other than missionary sex which on the face of it could lead a potential partner who has been down the BDSM road to think that there is no chance for compatibility. Knowing how "adventurous" a potential partner might be is much more informative than just comparing compatibility or drive levels.

Perhaps it should be something like "Rate yourself on these three aspects of sex on a scale of 1 to 10. How adventurous do you think you are?, How high is your sex drive?, How important is emotional intimacy to your desire for sexual relations?"

I think this would make a much better starting point for the discussion about compatibility.

Nukdookum Level 7 July 10, 2018
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I agree! Very good suggestion!

5

You should propose this to admin. I completely agree, and feel the verbiage should change on that question.

nutrition_nerd Level 7 July 8, 2018
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5

It is an unnecessary question. If the 2 people don’t find each other attractive and the sex isn’t satisfying, then there is no basis for a romantic relationship.

TonyMacaroni Level 6 July 8, 2018
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The idea is to gauge these things before wasting time finding them out.

@maturin1919 Of course, but what are you gauging by comparing YES or NO? It's more important to know something more specific, like frequency, level of kink, etc.

@GinaMaria I don't think those things need to be asked in the initial profile but possiblity in a follow-up set or something. I think that if I were asked those kinds of questions right off the bat I would wonder what kind of site I was registering for!?

@GinaMaria General interest in sex, which is all I need in order to determine if I wish to pursue or not.

@GinaMaria i think that should be asked individually. I learned from answering really intimate questions on OK cupid, ot knowing new searches came up on the opening page. I don't want everyone to know.

@GinaMaria I think it is important for someone to engage in self-reflection and understand what does attract them sexually. It sounds simple but a lot of people are too insecure to honestly explore these questions. However, in a dating profile I would not publish the information. Honestly, I would first make sure the person is friend zone material before anything else.

@GinaMaria, @gigihein Exactly!

@gigihein
No way was I suggesting that those be answers that are public. Just for ranking compatibility. Plenty of dating sites ask for information that isn't published.

4

Why not find out by trial and error? Don't make babies and don't spread disease, of course. For everything else, there are sensiblle solutions.

Spinliesel Level 8 July 29, 2018
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4

After 39 years of marriage sexual incompatibility was a huge ticking time bomb. It exploded recently and the damage was horrendous.

JSchaper Level 6 July 26, 2018
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4

After two marriages, I don't know what I value more, friendship without sex, or sex without friendship. I don't believe I'm long term relation material, based on the history. I guess the things that are important to me in life are often not shared, and that's alright. But it does mean that I'm not going to invest in love anymore, or even believe in it, but I will and do in friendship. Compatible friends. I can care less if we are sexually compatible. I rather have a long term friend, with or without a sexual relationship. I can live to be a 100 without ever having sex again and still have a good life. I would not make this without people in my life whom I care about, that I enjoy connecting to and hang out with.

Raymond1972 Level 4 July 26, 2018
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4

I wonder how I stayed with someone for 20yrs without compatibility. Feel like I’ve wasted a large part of my life but then, I do have great kids from it I suppose.

antman Level 6 July 22, 2018
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4

We are all adults here. Maybe even getting the word intimacy listed somehow which is on another level of Physical Connection.

mistymoon77 Level 8 July 12, 2018
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4

The perfect question would look something like the following, with the understanding and acceptance that confidentiality can't be guaranteed on the internet:

Being as specific as possible,

1) Are you interested in having casual sexual affairs? If no, move on to question #2. If yes, are your criteria for a satisfying long term, sexual partner different from your ideal casual sexual partners?

2) What would you expect sexually and sensually from the ideal, long-term sexual partner?

3) What would you be prepared to do to satisfy your partner's long-term sensual and/or sexual needs?

My view is that this isn't nor can it be sexual therapy. Secondly, i feel that important issues and questions with any partner, sexual, sensual, emotional, or logistical are best dealt with face to face, and on an ongoing basis.

Since change is the only constant in our universe, people will and do change so if you want to be in synch with a partner, you better to be prepared to accept that sexual compatibility, among other things, must be part of many such conversations.

josephr Level 7 July 9, 2018
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4

I agree. It would be useful to include that question: 'Do you have a High, Moderate, Low sex drive?'

Of course, sometimes it fluctuates.

I don't think it helps to call those who don't value sexual compatibility 'inexperienced' or 'uncaring'.

Ellatynemouth Level 8 July 9, 2018
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I agree that it might not be helpful to call someone something - that's why I phrased it as "I think that". I was stating my personal opinion and taking responsibility for it, while not attempting to state that it was everyone's opinion. There's such a wide variety of thinkers here - I wouldn't presume to act/speak/think for them.

4

For me sexual intimacy, curiosity, and libido are important but other things need to be a good fit, like common interests, enjoying being with each other, , intellectually stimulating, and having h fun are needed to feel the connection and desire to explore sexuality together. Even though I was sexually compatible with my last partner wouldnt mean I want that as this is a new person and it will be new and expansive to choreograph our uniwue experience. I would rather have a blank canvas to create all of the relationship instead of use past ones for a checklist of what I want now. I need a break between relationships to get in touch again as just me. Anytime I or the new partner
has been fresh out of a prior relationship or seems that way mentally ( still bitter or blaming the other partner, it isnt a clean slate to create on. The partner loving sex helps too, as there are some who don't seem to.

gigihein Level 7 July 9, 2018
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Exactly! Every connection is different (not in the +/- sense), people relate to others differently, and no two combinations are alike. We go through life discovering what we like and what we don't, it's a process.

Are people patterns ? Is love a 3 letter word for people in breeding fertile years ? I don't buy the message that women are always available to their chosen partner. ....pregnancy illness or just plain yeast can delay "libido" .....how many women turn on a dime from breastfeeding to lover with the baby dad ? Compatibility to me is a lifelong promise of intimate caring rather than score keeping coitus

4

Yes, I also thought that was an odd question. Of course sexual compatibility would be important, whether the couple was in agreement that never or frequent is best. But then I thought maybe the question is geared toward matching up answers to related data collected such as gender identity and sexual preferences, as well as goals for who you'd like to meet, friends, dating or hookups, etc.

Maybe the question should be more like "how important is intimacy to you" or "are you seeking an intimate partner, intellectual mate, friend, companion or some/all of the above?" I would think that every relationship is different and sexual appetite might depend on what is being served. So degree or frequency would depend on the chemistry between the partners.

Julie808 Level 7 July 9, 2018
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I love your comment - thank you for sharing. I think you phrased it better than I did. smile001.gif

3

If she doesn't like me wearing my Batman outfit in bed we're not compatible smile001.gif

ipdg77 Level 8 July 21, 2018
Reply

Got your type right here...

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