Am I the only one who thinks that the profile question "Is sexual compatibility important to you?" is not asking the right question? I think that the only people to whom sexual compatibility is not important are people that are inexperienced in matters of long term love, or those who are either oblivious or uncaring about the damage that it causes when sexual incompatibility exists. I think that the real question is "Do you have a high, moderate or a low drive?" After all, if both people have the same drive, they will be much happier in the long run. I know that drives can be affected by emotional issues within the relationship, but that exception aside, what are your thoughts?
Relationships are complicated, no matter how you look at them. They are 2 or more people choosing to remain in communication with one another for some purpose. Add into that connection an agreement that the relationship is of a sexual or romantic nature and it gets more complicated. I know that building a happy, healthy relationship requires work, compromise and respect between its members. My question is targeted solely towards a better way of communicating sexual compatibility. When I wrote this question, I wasn't even thinking about compatibility of tastes, and I appreciate the broadening of the issue - because yes, same drive, different pleasures can also make a huge difference in how you relate sexually and the impact it has on a relationship.
That said, my question still remains the same, for those that agree with me that the question could be better phrased: What would be a better question? Obviously, once you start talking to someone and trust them, you will get more specific - but what is a good starter question, for those who choose to answer it?
In my experience, if two people are intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually compatible, then sex becomes an extension of the intimacy they already share. This is why I am very selective in choosing sexual partners; because I need to know that I can be completely vulnerable with this person.
I think they are both important. No guy will ever be able to match my drive. However, if you think sex once a week is enough or you only like gentle sex, you don't give oral....we're not going to work. Also I wish this site would add all kinds of questions like OkCupid.
I think compatibility is purposefully vague because what is compatible for one person might not be the same for another and part of the relationship process is to figure that out. If there is no chemistry, why bother going any further by asking if your date is into bondage, anal sex, or whatever. Drive has nothing to do with compatible interests, but you are correct, frequency can be an issue. Sex once a week might be acceptable to some; sex three times a day for others. Interesting question you pose...
I took it as are you on the same page sexually. Like are you into threesomes but your partner is not? That is something that needs to be discussed early in the relationship so no one is surprised years later when you find out that it never was an option.
Guess I'll be the old fashioned person here. I'd like to get to know someone a bit, like probably in person, before discussing sexual preferences. I mean, seriously, I'd like to find out if someone is compatible in so many ways that can only be determined by getting to know someone. If the chemistry is there, the sexual compatibility will be there. I've never thought that choosing a mate should be like checking off a list of qualities and activities. Of course that is the real problem with online dating. It's an attempted shortcut that can never really substitute for actually getting to know someone. I understand that it is difficult to make connections in this day and age, particularly for the agnostic community and especially for us older folks, so we do use online, but still, it is very limited. What I like about this site is that there seem to be avenues to get to know people.
I also have trouble with the question about sex in the activities section. If I list sex as a hobby, does that mean I am interested in hanging out at sex clubs or interested in screwing a new guy a week? If it is in reference to relationships, then it needn't be there since (as someone else put it) duh, most everyone is interested in sex within the context of a relationship. If someone holds an extreme position on sex, maybe they should just mention it in their profile.
Many of the questions for building a profile on this site do little justice to actually get to know someone, like including "sex" as an option for something one enjoys... Well, duh! We're f-n humans, of course we like sex, but after checking that box, I was like: "wait, what? Does that make me sound like a pig?"...
As far as compatibility goes, that is case by case, and in how two people evolve with each other (for the sake of argument, I am using "two" as the beginning standard). Compatibility isn't always smooth on the first go round, but that doesn't mean that it won't get better.
I use this site for community, I have never done online dating, but the whole "what do you enjoy?" question cracks me up, because my answer would be "smoking, drinking, fucking" - not that I have a problem with long walks on the beach - as long as they result in fucking, smoking, and drinking... Maybe I'm too honest
I think the question is intentionally vague. I've seen other users who were concerned about the responses they might get if they indicate they are open to sex. But it's also about more than just how active your sex drive is. Your preferences, fetishes, orientation, etc. all factor into your compatibility.
It's not just sex, it's also the smell, taste and touch of the other person. Does their voice turn you on? How does staring into their eyes feel? Some of these are very animal reactions to another person even if they're filtered though the human intellect. Personally, if I don't like someone's smell or taste, I won't want to get physically intimate with them. And people, if you want sexytime... take a bath, because stank ain't sexy.
I also am attracted to someone's taste in music, art, clothes or general style. If someone really likes Toto or Rush and wears Hawaiian shirts and flipflops, it's unlikely I can find them attractive.
I think the question should be "How flexible are you in your own sexual practices in being able to meet a potential partner's needs?" As you indicated, most people want sexual compatibility. But the real question is how far are you willing to go in order to achieve "compatibility"? One might have never experienced anything other than missionary sex which on the face of it could lead a potential partner who has been down the BDSM road to think that there is no chance for compatibility. Knowing how "adventurous" a potential partner might be is much more informative than just comparing compatibility or drive levels.
Perhaps it should be something like "Rate yourself on these three aspects of sex on a scale of 1 to 10. How adventurous do you think you are?, How high is your sex drive?, How important is emotional intimacy to your desire for sexual relations?"
I think this would make a much better starting point for the discussion about compatibility.
After two marriages, I don't know what I value more, friendship without sex, or sex without friendship. I don't believe I'm long term relation material, based on the history. I guess the things that are important to me in life are often not shared, and that's alright. But it does mean that I'm not going to invest in love anymore, or even believe in it, but I will and do in friendship. Compatible friends. I can care less if we are sexually compatible. I rather have a long term friend, with or without a sexual relationship. I can live to be a 100 without ever having sex again and still have a good life. I would not make this without people in my life whom I care about, that I enjoy connecting to and hang out with.
The perfect question would look something like the following, with the understanding and acceptance that confidentiality can't be guaranteed on the internet:
Being as specific as possible,
1) Are you interested in having casual sexual affairs? If no, move on to question #2. If yes, are your criteria for a satisfying long term, sexual partner different from your ideal casual sexual partners?
2) What would you expect sexually and sensually from the ideal, long-term sexual partner?
3) What would you be prepared to do to satisfy your partner's long-term sensual and/or sexual needs?
My view is that this isn't nor can it be sexual therapy. Secondly, i feel that important issues and questions with any partner, sexual, sensual, emotional, or logistical are best dealt with face to face, and on an ongoing basis.
Since change is the only constant in our universe, people will and do change so if you want to be in synch with a partner, you better to be prepared to accept that sexual compatibility, among other things, must be part of many such conversations.
For me sexual intimacy, curiosity, and libido are important but other things need to be a good fit, like common interests, enjoying being with each other, , intellectually stimulating, and having h fun are needed to feel the connection and desire to explore sexuality together. Even though I was sexually compatible with my last partner wouldnt mean I want that as this is a new person and it will be new and expansive to choreograph our uniwue experience. I would rather have a blank canvas to create all of the relationship instead of use past ones for a checklist of what I want now. I need a break between relationships to get in touch again as just me. Anytime I or the new partner
has been fresh out of a prior relationship or seems that way mentally ( still bitter or blaming the other partner, it isnt a clean slate to create on. The partner loving sex helps too, as there are some who don't seem to.
Yes, I also thought that was an odd question. Of course sexual compatibility would be important, whether the couple was in agreement that never or frequent is best. But then I thought maybe the question is geared toward matching up answers to related data collected such as gender identity and sexual preferences, as well as goals for who you'd like to meet, friends, dating or hookups, etc.
Maybe the question should be more like "how important is intimacy to you" or "are you seeking an intimate partner, intellectual mate, friend, companion or some/all of the above?" I would think that every relationship is different and sexual appetite might depend on what is being served. So degree or frequency would depend on the chemistry between the partners.