I just heard that God updated his 10 Commandments. I was able to score a preview copy.

God's 10 Commandment Rewrite!

And god, whose voice did sound like Cher, spoke all these words saying: I am the Diva, your ingénue, the prima donna who called you out of Exodus International, the anti-gay movement, and out of the land of bondage (and not the good kind).

1. You shall have no other Divas before me…

2. You shall not make yourself an image of any Divas: Cher, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Judy Garland, Barbara, or Celine. You shall not elevate them ahead of me for this Diva is a jealous Diva and she will bitch-slap you into the Mid-West, but will serenade you at your favorite bathhouse if you adhere to my gay ways.

3. You shall not misuse my name by calling yourself a gay Republican for this bitch will not hold you guiltless… or let anyone else hold you at all… who insinuates that I am in any way associated with the Republican Party.

4. Remember Sunday Brunch and keep it holy. You have six days to hang out at the clubs and cruise men and drink appletinis, and if you’re just too hung over to make brunch then you should play bingo on Saturday night instead of clubbing. For in six days the diva preened and pranced and fussed over her outfits, but on the seventh, she sat down to brunch with friends and mojitos.

5. Honor the old queens among you so that you may be plied with free drinks.

6. You shall not give the “if looks could kill stare,” even if someone does ask if you’ve “gained weight.”

7. You shall not covet your neighbor’s ass (unless your neighbor is Zach Efron).

8. You shall not steal glances at the gorgeous twinkie in Starbucks chatting on his cell phone (unless he’s porn-star hot).

9. You shall not give false testimony against your rivalry about his age or his waist size, his penis size, or how he is in bed.

10. You shall not covet your ex’s house, his new partner, his social contacts, his Lady Gaga M4Us, his porn collection, or anything that belongs to your ex.