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How about your best "Dad jokes"?? I am trying to help a little old lady prepare a routine for her Nursing Home audience, she gets to do this once a month. She used to be a clown, so she likes to be funny. I gave her, "I am reading a book about gravity, I can't put it down" and she laughed WAY too much πŸ™‚

LuciMP 5 Jan 19

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Wait! I just remembered! Here's one that depends on an an actual Dad.

Father to nine year old boy: "So, son, what would you like for your birthday?"
Son: "I wanna watch."
Father scratches head for a bit and says "Well, if it's okay with your mom, it's okay with me!


Two catholic nuns were walking through a park and were confronted by a flasher.
One had a stroke, the other wasn’t fast enough.!


Great news, Dire Straits and Chris Rea are touring together, they're calling themselves Dire Rea.

Dav87 Level 6 Jan 19, 2018

A chicken walked into a library, went through the shelves, and presented "Spot and the Ball" to the librarian saying "Booook, book, book, book." The librarian thought it a bit odd, but checked out the book to the chicken. Half an hour later the bird was back, this time with a copy of "The Hobbit." "Booook, book, book, book" it said. So the librarian checked the book out to the chicken and went on cataloguing. Half an hour later the chicken pushed "Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying" onto the counter. "Ok" thought the librarian, "Time to find out what's going on". The librarian checked out the book and followed the chicken. They went down to the swamp, out along a log to a big frog. "Booook, book, book, book" said the chicken. "Reddit, reddit, reddit," replied the frog.

I love this πŸ™‚


Well, I've a nursing home joke for you. A woman resident of a nursing home sits down next to a man she doesn't recognize.

SHE: Are you new here?

HE: Yes, I just moved in.

SHE: You must have retired recently.

HE: Actually, I... I was just released from prison.

SHE: Oooh. If I may ask, what did you do that put you there?

HE: I... I killed my wife.

SHE: So, that means you're single!



What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

What do you call an alligator with a GPS? A navigator.

What do you call an alligator who starts a fight? An instigator.

There are a bunch more that I don’t remember along these lines.


Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.


Not really a joke but it is amusing. This guy buys these cigars and he paid 100,000$ for them they were rare. So he calls up the insurance company and insures the cigars. Then he smokes the cigars. Then he calls the insurance company and turns in a claim for fire damage. The insurance company refuses to honor the claim. The cigar smoker takes the insurance company to court and sue. The judge makes a decision in the case in favor of the cigar smoker. The judge then had the cigar smoker arrested for arson.

Clever !!


In a lively game of basketball, when Jesus drive to the goal, Peter denied him 3 times.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto (accented)

Did you hear about the cheese factory that blew up?
Apparently, all that was left was de Brie

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose (lack toes)


3 Nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the Pearly Gate.
The Gatekeeper is getting a bit bored with his duties and decides to spark thing up by asking questions to those wanting entry.
The first Nun fronts up and is asked, " Who was the Greatest Australian Cricketer of all time?
The nun replies, "Hmmm, I don't know the answer," and is immediately sent off to Hell.
The next Nun is asked, "Who invented the wheel.?" She replies the same as the first and goes to Hell too.
The third fronts up, a bit nervous, and gets asked, "What were the first words Eve spoke when she saw Adam for the first time.?"
She answers, "Gee, that is a hard one."
The Gatekeeper simply says to her, "Correct, now you can pass through the gates."


Ya know, just for giggles, I googled "Dad jokes." there are plenty of lists of Dad jokes, but it doesn't look like any of them intrinsically depend on there being an actual father involved. Interesting.


whats brown and sticky? a stick

how does a wooden motorcycle go? WOODEN, WOODEN!


little kid says to his mum " I didn't know our neighbour was a robot she seems so real" the mum says to him " she isn't a robot, whatever makes you think that?"
the kid says "I heard his dad telling his friend on the phone that he's been screwing the ass off of her for ages".


Dad calls little Johnny in for "the talk" and says, you are almost a teenagers and I think it is time I told you the truth about where babies come from.
Little Johnny starts to cry then starts screaming hysterically,
His father asks him what the problem is.
Johnny says,
well first you told me the tooth fairy wasn't real,
then the Easter Bunny,
and a few years ago you told me there was no Santa Claus,
now you are going to tell me that adults don't really have sex, so I have nothing to live for,.


What do you call a cow with no legs???
Ground beef!

That's all folks.....I don't know any other jokes that are labeled for human consumption

Hahaha... thank you!!


When driving over train tracks: β€œthere was a train here, I see it’s tracks”


The fence between Heaven and Hell is badly in need of repairs, so God tells Satan that he MUST pay half the costs of repairs or be sued in Court.
Satan just laughs and says, "Go ahead, I've got ALL the Lawyers, Judges, etc, down here with me AND don't bother with the Ecclesiastic Courts either, because where do you think ALL the popes, Cardinals, Bishops, Priests, etc, are, right down here with the Lawyers and Judges."


What goes black and white, black and white, black and white THUMP?
A Nun rolling down stairs.


A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father.

"Well, son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this."

"Dad, you don't meanβ€”"

"Yes, son, I do," the older man replies, handing a well-worn copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition to the young man.

"I, I don't know what to say," the son replies, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm honored."

"Hi, Honored," his father responds. "I'm Dad."


Singers Tom Jones and John Farnham decide to do one Final Tour together, on the final night of the final concert John Farnham did "Sadie the Cleaning Lady" as the last song, but Tom Jones waited until the Concert was empty before did "Sadie" his own way.

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