Have you ever been told "you got lucky" when talking about your children? How does it make you feel?
I was just recently talking with a friend about kids and their eating habits. I mentioned that mine are good eaters and she said, "you got lucky".
Then this morning another friend and I were talking about raising boys and their specific behaviors. When I said that mine aren't "gross", she said, "you got lucky".
Maybe I'm just a bit uptight today because I'm sick and miserable but damn.
It isn't luck that my kids are good eaters or that my sons don't piss all over the seat. It took work. It was a lot of years of conversations and not giving in. It was them having to clean behind themselves or being hungry because I refused to cook different meals for everyone.
I don't know that I'd call it luck -
My kids birth giver left right before our disabled son turned 4. My daughter was 5. That was over 14 years ago. My daughter has, as best as she could for each stage of her life, helped with anything she could, from picking up laundry as a little girl, to helping in the kitchen, and in general just not trashing the house. We both have watched out for Collin (who is 18 now, but mentally is around 2).
Was it hard work? Well, it certainly has had it's moments, but mostly from my son, who is non verbal. As for my daughter, we have a very honest relationship, and (for whatever was age appropriate) I have made it a point to always give her an open door, and honest answers and discussions. But I daresay that, for any moment where I put in hard work, the kids have had the more difficult job. They are the ones growing up, having to learn this world, and how to deal with all the ups and downs. With all that has happened in our lives, Branwyn would have every reason to want to go out, raise a little hell, try drugs, etc etc etc. But she never has. And she has never given me sass or backtalk (in turn, I don't order - and I explain requests so she knows the details). And to this day, when she is at home, she always helps listen out for her brother.
I know my kids have worked hard - and I am damn proud of them. Have I worked hard? I suppose I have, but that's what I signed up for when I had kids. Anything else just isn't an option.
So true. Shocking to some people maybe that it was not God's Will?
Anyway, had this typical conversation with my kids' Mom when we were married: She says " Oh my cousins kids! Look at them, they eat salads, vegetables and the right foods. Our kids would never do that"
I said : " Yes they would, if that's what we would feed them"
Of course I was then told about how insensitive and stupid I am.
Compounding the errors of my ways, I then added fuel to the fire by saying " Look if we don't bring the processed "food" into the house, then we don't have the problem."
Now of course I'm just another dumb man that wants to "fix the problem'.
In my eyes witchymom you are quite aware of what's going on.
Me ? I'm still fighting this problem and probably will be until my boys are grown up and on their own (grandma's do not help)
On the bright side, my boys are fun, healthy and smart. They are a pleasure to have and hang out with
You don't think your friends will give you credit for your body of work with your children? I call myself lucky about my children because I don't have to visit them in a hospital, sanatorium, prison or cemetary but I give myself credit for picking up the right woman for mother of my children. Your friends may think that parenting is a crap shot. I know as you know is not luck but nothing but hard work. Plus the use of the Right Stock. And still everything could be destroyed by outside forces out of your control.
I was always told my children were not normal, because they were well behaved and got along so well. I found parenting about the easiest most natural thing I have ever done.
I had a co-parent (wife) for the first 8 years I was a parent, but have done it on my own for the last 24 years. As far as eating goes, each of my kids, and later foster kids were allowed to name 3 foods that I would not make them eat but they had to eat anything else I served up. I had a lot of fun with my kids, when they were young I explained that if they did chores, I would have less to do when not at work, and we could do more fun things. It is not rocket science. Truth was the big one, we rarely had punishments, but if caught out in a lie, the punishment was automatically doubled.
Children don't come with a book of "How to Directions". You are correct it takes an effort to raise good children. I had a coworker tell me, when she found out she was having her seventh child that she loved having babies. I told her that in my opinion, has a parent it is our responsibility to raise responsible adults. Two week later two of her boys were arrested for tagging. One of them had to be taken away from here because she couldn't control him.
I do believe though some children can be very challenging. I am really not sure if it is the parent or the child. In our case, I think we got lucky. Our kids turned out to be the people I would have like to been when I grew up. I look back on my childedhood and I think about how diifcult I was to my mother. I wish I coudl tell her I soory I amfor being such a jerk.
It seems like the 'others'...believe certain traits come into the world in a 'completed' form. It does seems that some children are more malleable than others, but still...they would behave according to what they were exposured to. But, there are still traits and behaviors of 'unknown origins', sometimes. I guess, that would fall under 'luck.'
I think it's sometimes ignorance, sometimes perception, sometimes envy and sometimes luck. I have twins. People say that I'm so lucky to have them. I'm not sure it was luck. It was 3 years of fertility treatments, 12 weeks of bed rest in the hospital, babies born 14 weeks early and 3 month NICU stays...despite their rough beginning, with lots of therapy and early intervention, the are pretty healthy 13 year olds but a lot of that was work, and maybe a little luck. Not all babies born that early have the same outcome...so for some of those parents, they are going to think we were lucky. You attribute your children's successes on hard work and that's definitely part of it, but some kids pick up things faster than other kids...the parent saying you are lucky may have worked equally as hard and just not had the same results...so when they say you are lucky, they could mean they are envious. We never pandered to our children's food wishes either. But no matter how many different ways I have prepared certain foods, there are ones that my kids just don't like, or maybe one that doesn't and one that does. Maybe we could consider ourselves lucky with the child that will eat avocados, unlucky on the one that doesn't. I think there are also instances of just plain luck...your child let's go of your hand and darts out into a busy street. If it isn't the guardian angel on their shoulder that saved them from getting hit, then I think a lot of folks would just call it luck...
A study was once undertaken which proved that until children are subverted from their natural capabilities by ignorant adults they know exactly what nutrients their bodies need.
A corollary to this is the fact that mother gorillas eat their baby's faeces in order that their bodies react and start produducing antigens and antibodies that pass into the breast milk to help the sick baby.
I worked awfully damned hard to get lucky. My kids are amazing now, but I worked with them and was there for them, and I was a "mean" mom that held them accountable and kept them from doing stupid stuff and gave them enough room to do stupid stuff with some safety.
My less than humble opinion is in parenting, you don't get lucky. You do the work.
Dog trainers will tell you a person gets the dog they deserve. I put time and effort into training my dog too, he was awesome. Same as my kids.
There are some things I couldn't change. The youngest takes the easy way out and is very laid back, too laid back, kinda flaky. But there is only so much you can do. She's not horrible. Nature vs Nurture.
I have a great kid. She always has been. People tell me what a great kid she is and sometimes they congratulate me. I'll take that I know her mom and I are good parents. But I'll also tell people that yeah, we're doing good by her. But it's really just who she is. Im more proud of her than myself. But also you are correct that it takes work.
I get that a lot. My two children are well off in their chosen careers, own their homes and are happily married. They don't need us and that's how we raised them. 18-24 years of taking parenting seriously and giving them the tools for a successful life was obviously more than luck. There is an old saying, "The harder you work, the luckier you get!" It must be true, because we sure got lucky.