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What are your views on marriage?

We all know what marriage means to the church. But what does marriage mean among a secular population? How useful is the concept? Are you married? Divorced? Would you get married again?

EarthKate 5 Sep 16
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23 comments

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5

it's best viewed from a distance.

4

People stay in marriages long past the expiration date. I was married twice. First time for 20 years the second for 18. I don't plan on getting married again but the future is unknown.

I stayed a good 4 years too long, mostly because of debt and kids.

2

I was married, divorced. It doesnt really make much sense. I don't think I would do it again.

2

It means 2 people have found each other and want spend the rest of there lives together. There are humanists weddings which takes out all the religious bs. Which means you don't set foot in those dogma buildings to get married. The way it should be. I will not get married without a prenup. Given my track record it would be an good idea. Just shacking up works for me, because I don't want children and won't have worry about the name thing.

2

I am divorced and hope to remarry. I got it about 75% right the first time. I like the commitment of it.

UUNJ Level 8 Sep 16, 2018
2

Divorced once...widowed once. Now, I think marriage is good if you have children (or want to have them) and/or you have complicated finances. NOT every State has ''common law'' marriages and it can be a real bitch if you need the legal protection marriage gives you and discover, too late, that you're in a mess.

On a personal level....it's HARD! Marriage is something we generally undertake when we're far too young to understand how difficult it is (or may how unrealistic it is) to commit/promise to one person for the rest of our
lives.

It might've worked back in more simple times...but, it's damned difficult now.

Would I do it again? Probably not. Living with someone?...well, that's different!

2

It's legality that is a help the way our system is set up. I am twice divorced, and doubt that I'll marry again, though I would never rule anything out permanently.

1

Marriage is like an agreement, a contract between two people who hopefully love each other. It's more of a partnership, where two people accompany each other in their journey through life. Helping, loving, and sharing with one another.

Never been married, currently looking, I hope it's like this lol

1

I've been disappointed, but on the other hand, marriages last many times longer than live together relationships. I think there's a much higher level of commitment in a marriage.

Carin Level 8 Sep 17, 2018
1

Marriage is a great tax break in the U.S. Otherwise, I got married out of tradition. I see no reason to get married again because I believe two people who love each other (and yes ladies, trust each other) can live happily ever after without getting married. You will undoubtedly hear all kinds of stuff about there can be no commitment without marriage. This goes against all evidence given the number of divorces but, more importantly, if you don't trust the person, the marriage won't work. If you do trust them you don't need marriage. Then there is the whole having kids thing and what name the kids get--so for youngsters another matter.

lerlo Level 8 Sep 16, 2018
0

two worlds are meet, to create universe .. Its true value .. away from personal interests and appearances

belfo Level 6 Oct 7, 2018
0

I was married in a civil ceremony and felt every bit as married as my friends who had been married in church. The vows we made were a contract to each other and I wouldn’t have been happy bringing children into the world if I hadn’t been married. The law here in the UK gives protection to spouses in legal marriages that co-habiting partners don’t have, for instance in inheritance and pension rights,

0

It is a contract bound to protect each spouse in so many possible scenarios and most importantly, setup in place to protect children. Even with all those legal tools in place, still some get away with shitty stuff like dodging alimony, well being of spouse and/or kids, etc. Church crap has nothing to do with protecting no one and doesn't help either when crap hits the fan

0

I'm divorced and don't see myself getting married again. I would definitely consider it if one of us needed the other's health insurance or something along those lines.

Out of curiosity, if you're living with someone and sharing your life, what does getting married take away from that? Is it a "don't jinx it" kind of thing? The reason I ask is I've never quite understood my wife's attitude toward marriage. We were together 8 years (and probably 7 years after I gave up talking marriage with her, as it was like talking to the hand) when she suddenly wanted to get married. And since we tied the knot, has had some second thoughts about it, etc.

Just trying to understand female perspectives on this and why the ambivalence. To my mind, marriage doesn't change much other than to make, as you suggest, certain benefits available, not that they're terribly compelling. But my point is that I didn't feel less married when we weren't married and I don't feel more married since we were married (hope that makes sense). It's just a piece of paper to me, but it's the symbolism that seems to be off-putting to some women and attractive to others. My wife I think feels trapped in some way by marriage that she's not by living together. Despite that after a few years, being married actually makes divorce more straightforward, not less. And either way, the emotional fallout is the same.

@mordant I'm sure every woman will have a different perspective but since you asked me, here's my 2 cents. I got married at 22 and divorced at 43 (last year). Our oldest was born 2 years after we got married and youngest 2 years later. I pretty much went to the wayside after the kids were born. Don't get me wrong, he's a really great dad and if anything was going to take his attention away from me, I'm happy it was the kids and not gambling, drugs, etc. BUT the marriage did eventually fail. I was lucky and our divorce was extremely amicable and only cost $377 since we filed jointly without attorneys.

Since I no longer plan on having any more children AND I had a 20+ year marriage, I see no reason to marry again. I'd definitely live with someone again but I just don't feel like I need a marriage certificate from the government to dictate that we're in a committed relationship.

Keep in mind I've only been divorced a year and might be a wee bit cynical as to whether men actually have feelings and are capable of love. If there is such a thing a soul mates/true love, AND I find that....I would consider getting married again. It's just easier to split if you don't have to go through the process of divorce.....not that I'm cynical, lol

@Marcie1974 Thanks. Makes perfect sense. I do see starting a family / having kids as the main argument for marriage anymore. That's why I wasn't insistent about it in my relationship; we were both basically empty nesters when we got together. But I'm a little old fashioned and so offered marriage as a "make you an honest woman" kind of thing if she wanted it. She wanted it on some level, didn't want it on some other level, so I let it go and had long since made peace with it. Then suddenly a couple of years ago, "let's get married". Totally confused me TBH. Sort of anti-climactic too.

You're right though, everyone's different. I think at bottom my wife's "thing" was just that she "owed" me that public level of commitment and felt some awkwardness or guilt around that. At the same time she's got the notion that marriage is a sort of entrapment and that presses various buttons that have nothing to do with me and aren't particularly rational.

We men do actually have feelings BTW, when we can manage to get in touch with them. Your story is a little ironic to me because so many men have expressed to me that their wives abandoned all romance to focus on their children, and often, after the children are out of the nest, try to circle back and rekindle long-dead embers in the relationship, to comic effect. You're kind of the flip side of that. At least your ex was / is an interested and engaged Dad!

Best of luck to you in your new life.

@mordant yes, I realize that we're the opposite of what most couples experience. The last 10 years were also pretty much sexless, not by my choice....also the opposite of most couples. Rationally I know men can have feeling and do know a few who are very sweet and loving towards their wives. After being low on the priority list for so long and feeling like I was just a uterus for him, it's difficult to not be cynical.

@KissedbySun Well yes and no. It's legally binding, but the responsibilities exist for me ethically with or without it. In any event, common law marriage and parental responsibilities work roughly the same way absent the contract. Although the perceived respectability and stability that goes with a contract has social and cultural value if you're going to have children / start a family.

All else it's good for is moderately more convenient mutual healthcare decision-making, provides some clarity and protection in property division, and a couple other things of that nature. And as you point out, it has nothing to do with love, which is either present or not, and isn't magically there because of the contract.

If the relationship fails then the emotional toll is exactly the same with or without a contract. I wouldn't have been less devastated for her to leave me if we weren't married. And in fact, paradoxically, the clarity of the contract actually makes it in some ways a little easier to end a relationship because it's less open to interpretation who gets what, etc. Not that most people realize that.

0

Marriage is definitely something I would and hope to do again.

0

Seems always evolving… I consider it a good thing, or at least an OK thing.. After 30 years, mine was a pretty good run. Toss in two magnificent daughters, and I’d trade it for nothing.

In a new place due to divorce, for the umpteenth time I recently explained why I’m so far from home, the younger guy sighed.. “After 30 years,” he said. Then, “I’m getting married in three weeks.” ‘Do it,’ I replied, ‘It’s worth it.’

Humans have not evolved to be mated for life, we’re social creatures. Love is real, and to be acted upon. It creates a unit conducive to nurturing and protecting our young. As all mature, we apparently move on.. Attempts to maintain this unnatural structure go against our nature, stifling all involved. Life’s a cycle ~

Varn Level 8 Sep 17, 2018
0

I see no harm in marriage if it's what both people want.

0

Married 58 years and I would do it again . I have a great family and we are very close.

0

I want someone to be with me because they want to. Not because a piece of paper says so. Yes, there are tax bennifits, but not worth it. Plus a divorce is nasty!

My divorce wasn't nasty at all, extremely amicable. I downloaded the paperwork from the state website and filled it out myself, we filed jointly. He looked it over, I told him to bring it to an attorney if he wanted to but he read through it and signed it. I brought it to the courthouse, paid $377 and 6 weeks later we had court and it was done (November 1, 2017).

I actually ran into him Friday night at the bar. We chatted for about a half hour about the kids, my parents (my mom was recently diagnosed with COPD) and his dad (he only has a few months to live). Our daughter graduates this year and we'll host her party together. He even went deer hunting with my dad and brother last year. When I told my parents we were getting divorced, my dad asked me to tell him that he'll always have a hunting spot with them. I was really happy my dad said that.

Depending upon the reason for divorce of course, it doesn't always have to be nasty.

0

actually i don't know what marriage means to a church. i've been to weddings of christian friends at different churches and marriage did not seem to mean the same thing at each. i have never been a christian, myself. nor have i been married, but i've been engaged for 14 years. i know, it sounds funny, but what marriage would mean to us is we'd lose a good deal of our food stamp benefits, which are keeping us alive, and some social security too, and then we would just become homeless and die. however, if one of us DOES die, then it would benefit the other if we were married, so we have a deal that if one of us is dying, we hurry up and get married so the other gets the social security benefits. is that disgusting, that we have to view things this way? sure it is. but our love does us no good if we're homeless or dead.

g

0

I love the IDEA of marriage..the safety net of two incomes, someone to witness your life, someone to have your back, etc. But in real life, my ex COST me money, and stabbed me in the back, so I was totally relieved to get rid of him at last.

Still..I'm seduced by the IDEA of marriage which a few people seem to have achieved and I seemed to have had also, for a while...

0

It is a legal contract, and a religious ceremony. I did it twice, yep, pretty much got that out of my system.

0

Mostly it's the legal stuff... being able to make decisions for your loved one after he's/she's gone. Legal protection, and ultimately, the ability to claim those benefits that are only offered to married couples.

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