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Text protocol.

I've several men in my contacts and have back and forth texted them, but then the texts dry up. I have responded to all of them last, but they've not written anything to me. Should I message them? How long with no messages means they are not interested? At what point do I know a guy is nwvwr going to ask me out? Why do guys get my number, but never ask me for a date? Am I doing this all wrong?

Hellas 6 Sep 21
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22 comments

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6

Dating is a minefield.
If you texted last, and haven't heard back, forget them.
Besides, texting makes it far too easy for people to blow you off.
If all someone wants to do to "get to know you better" is text, my experience
tells me they really aren't willing to do much more, and a "real date" will likely
not materialize. You are wasting your time with these people.

You have absolutely no control over what anyone else is going to do.
You aren't "doing this all wrong". There are no rules.

I totally agree. No reply, move on.

5

Are you familiar with the term 'ghosting'? I'm afraid that's what's going on here. It's when suddenly, without warning, someone with whom you've been communicating just goes silent. I wasn't familiar with it until it happened to me. Although it's apparently common, it strikes me as beyond impolite and I'd go so far as to call it cowardly. It is certainly being disrespectful and careless with another person. It's not a monumental task to simply let someone know you've changed your mind. You don't owe anything more than that, but I think you do owe at least that.(Can you tell I'm still a bit angry about the experience?)

4

If you seemed to be having a good convo and then they didn't respond to your last message, I would send one new message to try to restart the convo. If that doesn't do it, move on.

3

..or ?

3

If a guy is into you and interested....you'll know it. If a guy isn't into you and not interested....you'll know that too.

3

Women can ask men out. 🙂

Roight, but i don't want to be perceived as thirsty, or emasculating. I'm probably overthinking it.

@Hellas A lot of men would find it flattering if women asked them out. Plus, it takes a lot of pressure off of men, breaks down the social stigma of gender roles and strengthens equality, imo.

3

yeah...I only give gals my # when I have or am trying to work out when/where we will meet. I always deliver my full name before that so they can google and lurk my FB/social media and see that I am at least real...real fucked up but real

3

It isn't just men who do this.

In the age of texting and email and social media, it's easier to ghost someone than to explicitly end a relationship. Most people don't have the integrity to do it properly. Think of this as a very nice filter that will winnow out people who aren't worth knowing long term (however nice they may sound at first).

It is of course always possible that you're doing or saying things that are a turn off. When you are the common denominator in a bunch of contacts that peter out, you have to consider that possibility. I'm just saying that it's probably not as much you as you fear it is.

So as to what you might be doing "all wrong" (and stop absolutizing like that!) you could be too available / persistent and that comes off as needy and/or weak, for example. But the solution to things like that isn't so much to sit on your hands and play "hard to get" as it is to be comfortable in your own skin, to know yourself, to be the sort of person that would attract a man who is kind and respectful and loving and consistent to begin with.

So my two-part advice is, don't assume you're 100% responsible and be your best self. Over time, this will have the best and most sustainable outcomes.

3

From what I can tell there are absolutely no texting protocols. But like everything else, phone calls, emails etc. if the person wants to be in contact they will. If you are interested in someone you make time for them, period. If there is no contact they have other fish they are frying or they aren't interested, either way, you don't want anything to do with them. Just my take. As for the guys asking for your number and not calling, they may be asking to be polite but it's certainly not polite if they have no intention of calling. Since I've never asked for a number and not called I can't speak for the lack of courtesy but sadly many guys are jerks.

The part that riles me is when you're texting back and forth and it stops dead and you know the person is holding their phone. Some courtesy would be nice, like "gotta go" etc. But we're a long way from courteous days unfortunately.

lerlo Level 8 Sep 21, 2018
2

Thanks for the input everyone. So, flirting: i try to stay away from any sexual inuendo, because im not gonna jump a guy the first time we meet. I assume that desire for physical intimacy is a given in dating, but the act is something I'd like to postpone and reserve for a relationship that results from dating. This being the case, i try not to dangle it up front. Does that make sense?

Absolutely. Nothing wrong with old school traditional dating !

i also stay away from sex chat (unless thats what i want) because it just leads down a rabbit hole and you can't really turn around from it.

2

it seems every woman i have exchanges with becomes disillusioned. i know i am charming. Humorous. Occasionally can be perceived as creepy. And too often the droid they are not looking for.
So, I share your momentary disillusionment.

@Gwendolyn2018 .. ..Thanks, ..

There is NO way to prove the photos posted by anyone are real.

So the presumption that a lack of photo is other than what i have described in my profile is obviously presumptuous.

My current 2nd best friend, is a women i met in '92. We have very long lunches talking about lots of stuff. So, being open about whom i bees provides a look into the very depths of me. Don't ya think?

Conclusion: I am a really uninteresting conversationalist.

@Jacar not having a picture of your face says, "Im hiding this orofile from soneone." I read your profile and understand why you don't have your pic, but the implied message preceeds your written explanation. Just sayin'. On a traditional dating site, I'd "swipe left" based on the no pic.

@Hellas I am hiding. As explained in my profile.

How can this not be attractive?

@Jacar how can hiding not be unattractive? The answer is in the question, imo.

@Gwendolyn2018 "Without being presumptuous and based on your writing, I think that your conclusion is most likely very apt."

Excellent move!

@Gwendolyn2018, @Hellas Yes, but. I have demonstrated my ability to engage with wit, and breadth.

And I will sent a photo to those who request and i deem worthy, because pone their postings.

(I am not hiding. I am being discreet, for the reasons written.)

@Jacar but your ability to engage may be stifled by the initial presentation, i.e.: lack of pic, is all I'm sayin.'

2

If they are people you are still interested in, there is no harm in sending them another message. If they're people you think you want to go out with, consider inviting them to do something with you so that you can get to know them.

1

It's always painful when one person has a place in their life (expectations) for someone who could care less. I invite you to read the lyrics to a Grammy winning song that captures this human condition perfectly. It was written by Kenny Loggins and Michael Mcdonald. It is called "What a Fool Believes". I have attached a link.

[genius.com]

80's musical version of she's just not that into you.

@Hellas Yes art imitates life in both cases.

1

After not hearing anything for 2 - 3 days I would send a "hi, how are you" and if they don't respond or only send back a one word answer just write it off as they aren't interested and move along. Their loss.

GwenC Level 7 Sep 21, 2018
1

I suspect that a lot of it can be attributed to the medium and the ease with which contacts can be made or discarded. You can be doing everything right, but if your contact encounters someone else, who for whatever reason, they find more agreeable, they might simply find it easier to slip away without comment rather than say something. They may also be communicating under dishonest circumstances that catch up with them and force them to break communication. I can only speculate that your situation would improve after you're able to advance beyond texting to a point where the both of you feel vested in the relationship. Good luck to you!

1

without knowing the contents of the conversations (and i'm not asking) it'd be impossible to know what went wrong, or even if anything went wrong.

g

0

They can all have different excuses as they come back. Some will have no excuse. Its hard to experience this at first it seems inhumane. Sad part is that the nature of internet dating and chatting means, there are many other women in the room that you will never know about, and he could have started focusing on someone else. Send a second text to ask if they are still interested in talking and if no response then just move on. Keep meeting new guys.

0

Don't take virtual drops like they happened in the real world. Many, many people are able to over come their insecurities in a chat room, but fall apart when the rubber hits the road.

You are not doing this wrong. Online flirtations have a lot less momentum than face to face interactions. Take them a lot less seriously. Also, don't be afraid to press someone YOU are interested in for a more serious rendezvous. There is nothing stopping you from pressing the issue and checking them off the list.

0

I wouldn't give up on them for a couple of weeks. We all get distractions in life.

MrDMC Level 7 Sep 21, 2018
0

It's hard to say,things change,a note showing interest would be welcomed,but to just vanish makes you wonder....

0

I can't be sure, but I've had the same thing. I assume people just get bored talking to me. Being a guy, I'm not comfortable constantly texting when I get very brief answers or "talk to you later" without a follow up.

JimG Level 8 Sep 21, 2018
0

In my experience if I'd got into a position of having contact, whatever format was used, and I got to a point of wondering if they were serious, or if they would answer, stuff like that then I was at the point that this isn't going to work. Actions speak louder than words, if nothing was happening then the clue is right there. I've ignored it enough myself to know it's a dry well.

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