I have a friend. Lets call her Sally; not her real name, but I know Mary wants it kept quiet so we'll call her Sally...
Sally is an attractive and sexual woman, by her own admission ("Hey, I like sex, I'm not broken!" ). Sally also wants to be married; that's her preferred life style. Therefore she makes it clear she only does sex with men looking to get married, too.
I'm hearing this as her weaponizing sex, which bothers me on a couple of levels. But what I'd like feedback on is a dilemna she is in - she's hooked on a guy who has no intention of marrying anyone. Its tearing her up inside. What rationale can she use to justify spending a couple of nights a month with him to take the edge off?
Sounds like "somthing's gotta give". Sally/Mary is going to either have to get over her compulsion to get married and feed the demon with the man she's lusting after, or learn to masturbate until she snags her a hubby.
She might also want to wrap her head around the very real possibility that marriage doesn't always provide regular sex.
Is "Sally/Mary" wedded to the social convention of marriage, or is she interested in a LTR with commitment? Perhaps it might be useful to ask her partner if he is interested in a committed relationship, setting aside the contractual obligation of marriage. I myself prefer a non contractual relationship, with trust and fidelity being the guiding principles, we both strive to practice.
Who the hell is Mary? Why is it important for Sally to be married? Personally I see no benefit to being married. Not like there will be babies and I would suffer a huge financial loss were I to marry. I want a long term monogamous relationship. So, back to Sally. her heart is involved but the guy's heart isn't. I'd say Run Sally Run. There is no future there and the more you hang on him the worse it will hurt. To thine own self be true Sally. Do what is best for you Sally, your lover doesn't love you.
I think I met her last year. Sounds so familiar, she said she wanted marriage before any discussion of sex, I said that's fine because I will never marry again. So we had fun, coffee, meals, road trips. No hassles.
Then she decided she wanted sex, promised she could handle it, just sex, no commitment. 2 days in a cabin in a rainforest, nice surrounds, "ok" sex, maybe, ok, probably not. I left thinking all was good, and got home to a heap of abusive emails basically because she believed she could keep her emotions in check, then found she couldn't. So now she hates me. I read your post and my mind kept yelling "TRAP!"
I don't know if I can offer a rationale to help her justify sleeping with this guy...if she is already hooked on him she is probably already in a bad spot. One problem I see with having casual sex to "take the edge off" while actively pursuing marriage; is possibly "Sally" will not be available completely to the person who would marry her, because she is spending time with this other guy? She might not be completely available if she is giving time and energy to someone who can not offer her what she wants.
They say we get the love we believe we deserve; and so if she believes she deserves to be with someone who will be a partner with her for the foreseeable future; then that is who she should probably continue to pursue. Settling, taking less than she wants; just for a physical release might be problematic. Not saying absolutely this is the case...just sharing some opposing thoughts to consider.
And would she end the sex with casual guy should forever guy be found? Does she have any personal self esteem issues; i.e. is she completely safe emotionally? If she engages in regular sex with someone who will never marry her? I am all for sexual freedom and woman having sex for pleasure and fun; just as men have been allowed/accepted to do always...HOWEVER some people are not really emotionally and mentally healthy/stable enough to engage in those encounters without some hurt. Because they don't just want a physical release....they want love. If she is the kind of woman who really values marriage and wants her sexual partner to have serious husband potential...I would fear she might become attached without wanting to...and there is no good way for that to end if the man is only interested in being her booty call.
In my experience the casual sex and "for fun only" arrangement works best when the situation is meeting the needs of both people involved. If one person wants more, even when there is full disclosure and honesty....well that person is in danger of developing feelings or resentments...wanting more....getting hurt.
Sorry, doesn't sound like a good thing for her to get involved with to me. That is just my opinion....
Nothing wrong with enjoying what they do have while she is looking for something more serious. The only problem would be if she can't be happy with that or if her feelings for him interfere with her looking for or finding someone more suitable.
And I don't think she is weaponizing sex. She is doing no guy any harm by being clear about what she wants. She doesn't owe anyone casual sex and she has the right to set boundaries and men have the option of walking away and pursuing someone else instead if they don't like her terms. It's not like men don't have terms of their own.
Sally needs to do some evaluation. Which is more important to her? A commitment which is only validated by a legal contract, or physical comfort and companionship? The question for Sally in this particular scenario is; does the guy she's hooked on love her and want to be with her only? If so, how is this emotional commitment any less valid than one that has been approved by a notary public? If he doesn't, then she needs to move on or reevaluate her personal code of conduct. This is only a problem because Sally allows it to be. We all set rules for ourselves, usually arbitrarily based on some set of preconceived notions of 'right' and 'wrong' and/or previous experiences, but when it comes down to it, we always have to take each situation as it comes and ask ourselves, 'do i want to do this?'. You are the master of your universe, Sally, but ONLY yours, so your rules only apply to you and any others who choose to live by them. Make your move.
Yeah, that's not weaponizing sex in my opinion, and I'm a pretty big opponent of sex weapons. I would prefer to only "do sex" with someone who meets my minimum requirements for a relationship. That is not to say that if Britney Spears came up to me and said she, just once, "wanted my body now" that I wouldn't be in the sack with her before she could say Hold It Against Me. Exceptions can be made to almost every rule... you just have to meet the narrow parameters of the exception.
It's her right to have or not have sex as she chooses. If she prefers it with a marriage contract, then she had best move on. Many women think this way as they were brought up hearing phrases like "why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free."
I'd prefer to hear from Sally/Mary before I offer any thoughts. Dick_Martin, you seem to be a good guy, write well and don't appear to have a position to defend. But, everyone has their own bias and history. I wonder how another party would frame this situation.
One other thing. What's with this phony anonymity?
I used to use marriage as a reverse weapon..to scare off men.
I always said in my profile that I don't do "casual sex," to get rid of the players, and also because I don't feel lust, so don't care about sex anyway, unless I've been in a relationship over a year (demisexual).
I backfired, though, as I kept getting marriage proposals, so I'd sometimes have sex with someone in hopes that after he got what he wanted, he'd go away.
I had no boundaries, being about 60% wired male, mentally, so didn't have the heart to break up with a "good friend," which is how I see males...as peers. I usually just wanted a good dance partner, or hiking/birding side kick.
While I believe a vagina can cast spells, I've never known one to be anything but temporary. She will not "fuck" him into marriage and (was this already discussed? Sorry if it was) she better not think an "accidental" pregnancy will change his mind either.
Frankly, she is lucky to be with a man who has made his intentions very clear from the get go. She can not blame him for leading her on and should not be too surprised when one day, no matter how great that reverse cowboy of hers is, he's gone. He seems to be aware and honest and that type will eventually bail realizing that the longer he stays, the more it will hurt her in the end. There will be tears either way, Sally! Might as well get it over now. No sense in putting off the inevitable..And there are plenty of on-line sites and single groups geared towards those seeking more than casual bang-outs. Go get what ya want girl and stop getting distracted by the shiny pebbles along the way.