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Domestic Violence in the News. Is anyone struggling, as to my surprise I am, with a resurgence of the horrible feelings deep inside from surviving abuse? It has been 45 years and I find myself overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and pain and I Hate it!

AnneWimsey 9 Feb 10

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I still have scar tissue from abuse inflicted 56 years ago. ...both perpetrators are disabled or dead unable to re-offend.....I avoid touching my scars and lovers who caress me both heal me and remind me of residual twinges. ...I rarely told a lover before about the invisible sub-cuteneous anomalies and not often told the story when they happened upon the massage spots

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Have your doctor referred you to a Psychologist or Psychiatrist ? They are doing amazing things with medication these days . I've been on that route for almost 25 years , & I'm still impressed .

Dougy Level 7 Feb 11, 2018

Because I mostly keep on an even keel, I would decline meds.......posting on here & reading all your comments has been Very helpful to get me over this "hump"! Thank you all!

@AnneWimsey I understand , but just to let you know , they don't use sedatives like barbituates anymore , & they have specifically milder ones for children & seniors .

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It is very hard for someone to leave an abuser. There was a post awhile back from a member who asked for advise about her situation. She was in an abusive relationship. A lot of us gave her some advise and I hope she was able to get out of that situation. Unfortunately she has not posted on this site since then. She is a level seven member who was very active here.. I worry that something may have gone wrong ,and I am hoping that she is safe and no longer in that household with her abuser.

1

I am and I'm trying to help a dear friend out of it.

This feeling of helplessness moves quickly into rage, for me. I have to be careful in which direction I aim my anger.

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I found the NLP (neuro linguistic programming) technique (used for vets with ptsd) works well for me.

I take a few minutes to replay bad memories, but I imagine the events happening as they should have happened. For instance, I imagined my marriage being the way I'd hoped, imagining it all the way through to death, with us happy and working together.
Afterward, the anger and resentment were gone, replaced by emotions from the imaginary memory..as though I really had a good marriage.

I "knew" what had really happened, but the emotional element was gone.

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Been there...and sometimes still clear...I just look at myself say thanks for being strong and keep on going....

1

Yes, I know what you mean. My first husband was not exactly a peach. I knew he could be a jerk when we married but he went into the military and came out abusive. He raised his hand once to me and that was it, I was done then and there. I watched my mom go through it for a short bit and a friend's mom go through it for a long while. My mom fought back and left, cast iron backbone runs in the family apparently. lol! My friend's mom didn't. She stayed for years and when I left the area she was quite broken. I don't know if she ever got away from him or not but I know I couldn't stay with the man I was with back then.

AmyLF Level 7 Feb 11, 2018
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I think that the maincause of domestic violence is misdirected instincts. As we have industrialised and advanced our technology, the role of people has drifted away from our instincts. With implementation of education systems, and the introduction of mass media, we have been dragged away from our instinctive behaviours, to attain the goals that we are taught to strive for. We are taught we want to buy our house, have 2,1 kids that are put into daycare at age two... which isn't a natural environment for our instincts. The instinct that I believe has been corrupted to allow for our sociological indoctrination and standardisation, is in fact, the protector instinct. I know that sounds weird, but as our society progresses, and "advances", there is nobody to protect. Police, military, and even fire fighters and hospitals all protect us... so who do we protect? Nobody. As a result, adrenaline, testosterone and fluctuations in neurotransmitters, defensive patterning switches to aggression at the drop of a hat. There is no excuse for domestic violence. It is an undisciplined attack on a weaker opponent. Instigation of dv by verbal assaults by the victim is a common cause of the triggering of the instinct. Verbal instigation is also an instinctive behaviour that has been "modified" too (alarm calls against a perceived attacker). I/e we are just talking monkeys in an unnatural environment, and that's affecting our psych.
I am sorry that you suffered, and I know this brings little solace, but perhaps by discussing one (out of many I/e drugs, drink etc) possible root cause, (with us knowing nothing of what you went through) might help bring you some closure.

In my experiences, police ignored me, bystanders stood by, and he was an unhappy nasty person that demanded perfection "or else". He was also a product of his small Southern town culture, where wife-beating was some kind of sport. Apologizing for a culture of violence helps nothing.

@AnneWimsey Yes, that seems to be the jest of it. That and likely being brought up in it and not knowing anything different. The violent tendencies can sometimes be from an honest disorder as some are just born twisted but for the most part it seem conditioning and a lack of impulse control or caring enough about self and the person they are with.

@silvereyes Unfortunately over time, if the abused do not figure a way to get out sooner, they tend to think they are at fault. Somewhere along the line they missed that lesson that respect and keeping our hands to ourselves is an important respect and self control issue that was somehow missed. The victim sometimes gets something related to stalk-holmes syndrome, loving and supporting the abuser, feeling like somehow they deserve what they are getting yet somehow manage to defend that person they love, no matter how abusive they are getting.
It sucks but until we start teaching people, young people, kids especially so they know as adults, that no one has a right to put their hands on you that way, and the bullies and abusers that they have no right to be doing it, this is going to keep going on.

3

Please accept them into your life! What these feelings are telling you is that they have been underground and you are not completely healed! Every time we allow them to surface, there is an opportunity for healing! Find out what your feelings are telling you about your hurt and claim it. They are not comfortable feelings, but they are where your healing will come from. One day, when this kind of hurt and abuse is brought up, you will not have the pain...just a scar!

Or just maybe, a therapist to help would be more appropriate to address those triggers and come up with a plan to cope in this new crazy reality of ours. :,(

@RushinroundWI that is good point, but I am also finding that when people feel free and safe to tell their stories, healing starts to take place and once we get the hang of it...the healing speeds up, with or without another therapist.

Well there’s the question of safe spaces and receptive listeners . Most people are not safe to disclose and could create more potential issues for themselves.@Freedompath

@RushinroundWI I understand your point...and if you noticed I never advised her to express anything here, I said, 'find out what your feelings are telling about the hurt and claim it,' I never advised her to put it here or anywhere else. I only addressed the moment! As I pointed out, with someone else, healing is a process...like peeling an onion, it happens one layer at a time. Our person here will know what to do from this point on...

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Yeah I am with you.
I had a total meltdown when I had young children, remembering back to when I was their age and stunned that people could treat tiny children like that. A 3-4 year old can't defend well against a 25 year old. It ended about 42 years ago for me, well the physical abuse ended. I have friends who suffered all sorts of abuse when young, I tell them to look at it as if they were born with a disability, out of their control, nothing they were responsible for, just born to a wrong family.

0

I would guess that is something that you never get over... 😟

I believe that you can heal...you may never forget, but the abuse can loose it's bite and ofcourse there is work to be done in order to accomplish this. It is like 'rebuilding' of a person.

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