I still have scar tissue from abuse inflicted 56 years ago. ...both perpetrators are disabled or dead unable to re-offend.....I avoid touching my scars and lovers who caress me both heal me and remind me of residual twinges. ...I rarely told a lover before about the invisible sub-cuteneous anomalies and not often told the story when they happened upon the massage spots

Have your doctor referred you to a Psychologist or Psychiatrist ? They are doing amazing things with medication these days . I've been on that route for almost 25 years , & I'm still impressed .

It is very hard for someone to leave an abuser. There was a post awhile back from a member who asked for advise about her situation. She was in an abusive relationship. A lot of us gave her some advise and I hope she was able to get out of that situation. Unfortunately she has not posted on this site since then. She is a level seven member who was very active here.. I worry that something may have gone wrong ,and I am hoping that she is safe and no longer in that household with her abuser.

I found the NLP (neuro linguistic programming) technique (used for vets with ptsd) works well for me.

I take a few minutes to replay bad memories, but I imagine the events happening as they should have happened. For instance, I imagined my marriage being the way I'd hoped, imagining it all the way through to death, with us happy and working together.
Afterward, the anger and resentment were gone, replaced by emotions from the imaginary memory..as though I really had a good marriage.

I "knew" what had really happened, but the emotional element was gone.

Been there...and sometimes still clear...I just look at myself say thanks for being strong and keep on going....

Yes, I know what you mean. My first husband was not exactly a peach. I knew he could be a jerk when we married but he went into the military and came out abusive. He raised his hand once to me and that was it, I was done then and there. I watched my mom go through it for a short bit and a friend's mom go through it for a long while. My mom fought back and left, cast iron backbone runs in the family apparently. lol! My friend's mom didn't. She stayed for years and when I left the area she was quite broken. I don't know if she ever got away from him or not but I know I couldn't stay with the man I was with back then.

I think that the maincause of domestic violence is misdirected instincts. As we have industrialised and advanced our technology, the role of people has drifted away from our instincts. With implementation of education systems, and the introduction of mass media, we have been dragged away from our instinctive behaviours, to attain the goals that we are taught to strive for. We are taught we want to buy our house, have 2,1 kids that are put into daycare at age two... which isn't a natural environment for our instincts. The instinct that I believe has been corrupted to allow for our sociological indoctrination and standardisation, is in fact, the protector instinct. I know that sounds weird, but as our society progresses, and "advances", there is nobody to protect. Police, military, and even fire fighters and hospitals all protect us... so who do we protect? Nobody. As a result, adrenaline, testosterone and fluctuations in neurotransmitters, defensive patterning switches to aggression at the drop of a hat. There is no excuse for domestic violence. It is an undisciplined attack on a weaker opponent. Instigation of dv by verbal assaults by the victim is a common cause of the triggering of the instinct. Verbal instigation is also an instinctive behaviour that has been "modified" too (alarm calls against a perceived attacker). I/e we are just talking monkeys in an unnatural environment, and that's affecting our psych.
I am sorry that you suffered, and I know this brings little solace, but perhaps by discussing one (out of many I/e drugs, drink etc) possible root cause, (with us knowing nothing of what you went through) might help bring you some closure.

Yeah I am with you.
I had a total meltdown when I had young children, remembering back to when I was their age and stunned that people could treat tiny children like that. A 3-4 year old can't defend well against a 25 year old. It ended about 42 years ago for me, well the physical abuse ended. I have friends who suffered all sorts of abuse when young, I tell them to look at it as if they were born with a disability, out of their control, nothing they were responsible for, just born to a wrong family.

I would guess that is something that you never get over...