This is really the only place I can ask this. When I do, I always get the "God loves you" or "God don't make ugly" response. I know I'm intelligent. I know I have a good personality. Why can't the beauty of my brain and personality shine externally? I've spent my entire life being judged by my looks and weight. I'm tired of it when I feel I have so much else to offer.
I thought that was my problem too. I changed the way I look(not entirely intentionally) and discovered that it only attracts the people I don't want. Lol. Being more active and going for a make over won't hurt you and you might find you like it.
Start with a foundation of biology:
"That looks like a good mother/father for my future offspring."
...create a social structure around it:
"The pretty/healthy ones are worth more; you have to compete harder to get one."
...inflate the whole thing with economics:
"Buy 'Sex-O'--'Sex-O' will make you irresistible to whomever it is you're trying to bang!"
...and viola! A culture that worships physical beauty.
That's only half the story. The other half is the story about how intelligence comes to be considered a social liability, which inhibits one's chances of landing a mate. Another time, perhaps.
Because society as a whole is lazy and shallow, but you've got one big advantage if someone likes you, you know it is you they like, not just what's wrapped round it. Knew a stunning girl at school that made multiple serious attempts at suicide because she was sick of people not looking past the surface, they wanted her to be the platinum blonde trophy when she was actually intelligent and thoughtful.
Unfortunately when people are judged solely on external appearance nobody wins. We all want to be loved for who we are not how we look.
I think in large part it has to do with the fact that we are a patriarchal world. Men long ago used their physical strength to dominate. Society has dictated that women's value is physical attractiveness, because men like to look at pretty women, and it objectifies, demeans, and devalues them at the same time. It also makes women more competitive and divisive with other females, and this benefits males, as well. Women are starting to wise up....starting....there is also the fact that physical attractiveness is a basic initial way to ensure the genders come together.
I think the exaggerated emphasis on visual aesthetic "beauty" is exacerbated by propaganda from the self-serving fashion/cosmetics industry. However, not all members of society follow the (visual appearance defining beauty) pretence. For example, when the old Sarah Palin "beauty pageant" images became a widely published media event I found myself in a state of disbelief. I had earlier watched Palin on a 60 Minutes interview and found her (lack of) intellectual integrity to render her utterly repulsive. In her "beauty photos" I visually found her completely lacking any attribute I (and I thought most rational others) would associate with beauty. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. There are many (myself included) who define beauty on a person's character, not their visual attributes.
Nobody body crosses the dance floor because they think you maybe smart. its the genes at work. They pick, then its your job to adapt to their choice. Plus people spend hours in the gym, to make them more attractive, but as I've said many a time you can change the shape of the cake tin but the cake that comes out will still be the same. People are attracted to intelligent but its not the genes first choice.
Humans have been around for 10s or 100s of thousands of years, what is deemed attractive was largely built around procreation, strong guys, busty wide hipped women. Now wealth is a big one for survival, so people emulate the wealthy. In fat any sign of success, sports prowess, fame as an actor, these are all now sexy. Humans haven't had long enough to deal with intelligence, plus I think they fear and resent us. But are we any better, I am an old scruffy guy, I get more attention from less intelligent ladies than those I could hold a good conversation with.
The truth of the matter, is that people can be cruel when you aren't perceived as attractive or whether you are. You have to know who to avoid and when. Some people will avoid you for being perceived as unattractive - then again they could overlook that and use you for your bank account. People use people for sex. It's the worst when they use you for both. The best thing you can do is use your intelligence to know when that is happening. It may sound cliche, but love is blindness. There is someone for everyone. Your match may not be perceived by the mainstream as a 10, but in your eyes he will be. Just keep looking and I'll bet you find him.
I think part of it is evolutionary to an extent. In general, "looks" connote the state of one's health, societal status, and attention to hygiene. Add to that, the details of that attractiveness as far as popular culture changes over time. Being rotund and undarkened by toil in the sun was a sign of prosperity. Now tan and thin is in.
Personal preferences play a part outside of societal norms as desirability often seems to run the gamut.
I've said this for years. It's a terrible form of discrimination. It starts very young, the beautiful kind princess, the ugly stepsisters, the ugly witch, people who are ugly are always the mean ones and the kind intelligent people are beautiful. It's society, but no one considers it discrimination. Yet it is!
Chemistry is fun, but temporary. Lasting relationships are based on the things you mentioned. When you find the right person, it'll be things like a shared sense of humor or perspective on life that will keep you together and happy.
For me, sense of humor attracts me the most. Being supportive and a good listener are a close second. I'm not interested in spending decades with someone with whom I'm afraid to be seen without makeup. We should be able to laugh together and find strength with each other during tough times. That's a real relationship. Don't sweat the shallow people. They aren't worth your energy to care about their opinion.
Met a "Miss Georgia" in college. We were going to a toga party and she was the sweetest human being. - That being said she told me that only the really attractive men ever asked her out and often that was not what she wanted in a mate. That they were incredibly shallow people and got by on only their looks.
So that sword cuts both ways.
I think we all need to know it all falls into a happy medium somewhere. Something in the physical you can appreciate and definitely something in the intelligence and behavior department. Ok that's over simplifying I know....
I agree having had a similar existence by the sound of it. All I can say is that as I've got older I find women more attractive the more I've got to know them, not much help I'm afraid, but there's obviously a lot more to attraction than the facial as I've taken a long time to find out. I'm a glass half full person so hope springs eternal, i hope it does for you even though it does grind you down a bit
We are all attracted to who we are attracted to. People are attracted to other people for different reasons. For me it is a combination of things. Looks, humor, intelligence all come into play for me. I have to love the face. We spend more time looking at the more than any other body part and it doesn't always have to be perfect
The sexiest faces are most often not the perfect ones.
I’m so sorry to hear that melbates. I hate how shallow and superficial this world can be.
Being educated in Personality Psychology we are hard wired as human beings to respond to our stupid conventional standards of beauty.....I’m also educated in Social Evolution.....so it’s a genetic instinct to the point that even babies will respond to what society considers beauty......I hated having to explain to my daughter that she lives in such a shallow world where beauty is equivalent to currency.
But there are people out there who can see past the way someone looks and recognize the beauty in your heart, your brain, and your personality.....you just have to find them....and ANY “god “ has nothing to do with it.
I think you’re beautiful simply from your post.
Unfortunately , that's true . But I just learned , that there's a word , for folks who are turned on , by intelligence . I'm guilty of that . That said , it takes a little longer to see that someone is intelligent , than it takes to just see what someone looks like .
It is weird isnt it rather like someone arbitrarily saying this is beautiful this is not - When my mother was a young girl pre -war she was chubby and that was so the rage her sister was thin and didnt get any men then it all changed - I don't really know why we make it different .
It's an evolutionary response to the fact that our first impression of anyone comes from vision. Example1. Her face is symmetrical, so she is genetically sound breeding material. Example 2. She is muscular. She will be able to protect my child while I am hunting. Example 3. She has large breasts. If I cross this large field quickly, she may let me mate with her, because I could not only tell she was female from a long distance, therefore I must have good eyes, but she can see that I can run down prey and provide food for her and my offspring too. This may sound like a bunch of dry reading material, but it's more accurate than just saying that I'm a male chauvenist pig. By the way, I just took a look at your profile photo and you are neither fat, nor homely. Why are you fishing for compliments? Was one or more of us pigs picking on you?