Last night, I was trying to put saline drops into my eyes. My thick hair was in a bushy ponytail after curling the ends.
Each time I looked up, I thought a squirrel had landed on my upper back! I could feel its bushy tail. When I looked down, the squirrel vanished.
Puzzled, it took me a few times looking up to realize it was my ponytail brushing my back. I'm still laughing about it.
True story: A couple months ago I was purchasing some cookies for my 90 year old dad. When the cashier rang them up, I began handing her the cash and said "here's your cookie dough". She looked at me confused, so I held up the cookies in one hand and said "cookie", then did the same with the cash and said "dough". She laughed a little then I said "It's a good thing I wasn't buying dill, huh?" Women were busting out laughing for three registers down.
Funniest I can think of at the moment....
I was at the gyn getting examined on a lunch break from work. I was wearing pearls. I dressed to the 9's at the job- requirement, Anyway... I am nude in the robe and Dr. is doing a breast exam and she says "OH WOW THOSE ARE LOVELY...ARE THEY REAL" I laughed and said "YOU KNOW THEY ARE" LOL SHe busted out laughing .... " The Pearls.".
True story: When I was a Moron (oops, Mormon) missionary in Argentina, my companion and I went into a little family-owned shop to get a comb (Spanish peine). My companion tried to ask in his best Spanish, "Do you have a comb?" The lady at the counter turned beet red and ran into the back of the shop. Soon, her husband appeared, rolling up his sleeves and asking angrily what my companion wanted. At that point I had to jump in and explain that he asked if she had a peine (comb), but he mistakenly pronounced it pene (penis). Oh, my....
A Little Grose but still hilarious
As background info my cat has a condition that causes him to take large poops
A few weeks ago, I am sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV, the cat goes by in front of my into the bathroom where his litter box is. After five or six minutes the cat streaks out of the bathroom pursued by a flying poop. The cat comes to a halt on the far side of the living room, at which point the poop catches the cat and hits it, thus scaring the cat and he takes off in the other direction, the poop, attached to the cat by a strand of hair imbedded in the poop and also still lodged up the cats ass, fly’s after the cat. At this point I am chasing the cat around the apartment with a role of TP in each hand.
The cleanup not funny
but the image of the cat being chased by his own giant poop still makes chuckle today
We were performing a rather intimate procedure on a sweet 85 yr old lady last week who coped with her humility with humor. She regaled us the entire time with the life story of her vagina in the third person. We were all laughing so hard (her included) that we could barely get through the procedure. Let me tell you, that lady lived a very full life.
Used to have this little terrier-dog. A Maltese/Fox terrier mix. He was always free with his "sugar". He'd walk up and lick you in the face if you were family. One Sunday I was laying in front of the space heater, reading the newspaper. He walked up and licked me in the face. Ugh. His breath was kickin'. Just awful.
After a bit, I got up to go to the bathroom. When I got there I noticed he had knocked the bathroom trash over and there was little tiny bits of ick scatter all over the floor. Remnants of used feminine products. My daughter had been warned repeatedly to dispose of such, other than that trash can, since our little friend just loved to do what he had just done, to sweeten his breath.
Later that day, during a trip to the grocery store I was walking down the dog food isle. Our friend was low on food. I read the labels as I walked. Beef flavor, chicken flavor, salmon flavor, etc. Then it hit me. They don't carry the flavor he likes best!
I was at work when my cell phone rang. Not on the desk, not on the table in back of my chair, not on the file cabinets. I had a reputation for leaving it in the break room, copy room or womans room and our receptionist calling (desk phone) to tell me it had been turned in. No luck this time and the ringing seemed closer to me than those areas. I asked my assistant to keep calling it so I could zero in on the location. Funny thing, every time I listened and turned toward the sound, the ringing location seemed to move also. Such a mystery - till I felt the back pocket of my slacks. That was the first time ever I carried it there. The embarrassment wasn't nearly as strong as the hilarity. Still makes me laugh.
Our band were on a break and I went to the rest room. This was an old pub in south of England. The room was very small, just enough for two people. A guy came in and faced up to the urinal. I turned to him and said “Tiny one isn’t it?” He turned to me and said “Its the best I can do mate!” We both fell around laughing. Needless to say the second half of our act had a different type of humorous banter!
On humor . . . it is been interesting to see what people consider humorous and why. When my five year old grandson was three, we would pull up to a stoplight and I would say, "The light is red." He would respond, "No, it's green!" and laugh uproariously. When it turned green, I would announce as much and he would say, "No, it's red now." He did not know t know why it was funny to contradict me (and he knew colors), but it was.
In FL there are these GIANT cockroaches, some try to pretend they're not cockroaches and call them palmetto bugs. Anyway I lay down poison for the little PITAs and once they eat it they, for some unknown reason, flip upside down and lay there looking dead. My newish puppy walked calmly over to a flipped over cockroach and stuck her nose on it for a sniff. Well that cockroach wasn't quite dead yet and grabbed onto her nose. FUNNY MUCH. It took a few shakes of her head to dislodge it, surprise!!
I accidentally used Similac for canned milk in a recipe for raisin bran muffins and even though I realized it before I took them to my meeting, I still took them. I told the ladies but not until after we had eaten them. One lady said, "Well, at least it wasn't breast milk." I laughed and with a sly wink said, "Yeah, right, it wasn't breast milk." They all laughed but a few looked a bit freaked out, as I knew they would.
Where to start? This is one of my favorites:
I had a wonderful fifth grade teacher; she not only had an effect on me personally, but professionally (I am a teacher). Before I moved to Missouri 20 years ago, I used to see her occasionally in a nearby town. I saw her in Safeway one time after not seeing her for a few years. She was WAY up in her 70s, a frail woman who had shrunk over the years (or did I get taller?). We hugged and I held her tight until she whispered, "Let's not hug too long or people will think we're lesbians."
Disclaimer: if you are a parent or an adult, you may not find this amusing. I do, though, so I'll share it.
When I was a youngster, while camping with my family, my older brother and I were out in the woods playing. I saw there was a steep cliff, with a drop of around thirty feet, and I got the brilliant idea to play a trick on my brother. So, I climbed down the cliff and laid down at the bottom as if I had fallen off the cliff. Well, my brother called for me and I didn't answer, acting like I was out cold. Next thing I heard was my brother yelling for my parents as he ran back to the camp site. I thought, "Uh oh!", so I climbed back up the cliff and started calmly walking towards the camp site. On the way back, my mother and father were running towards me with looks of horror on their faces and I tried to act as if nothing was wrong and as if I had no idea why they were so concerned. To make a short story long, when my parents saw me and realized what I had done, they didn't say a word, they walked calmly back to the camp site, packed up everything and drove home, not speaking to me the whole way. I don't remember how long it was before they said a word to me after this.
Gees, I'm full of funny stories.
I went into work one winter morning per usual and all was well. My boss came around the corner a few minutes later and held up two black socks. She said, "You left a trail of sock crumbs down the hall." We laughed. Two socks had evidently stuck to my pants (inside or out, not sure) and as my slacks were loose and soft and my socks were soft too I hadn't noticed when I got in my car to come to work. They dropped off as I went down the hall to my office.
Had my neck busted in a bad car accident & was paralyzed from the neck down. Lying in bed for a few days, not being able to move, was real frightening, but I somehow managed to accept it. Didn't find it funny, but I didn't feel sorry for myself or worry about the future. Anyway, finally had surgery which corrected the problem (along with four months of rehab, I'm now able to walk & feed again). I certainly take everything in life a whole lot less seriously now than I did before the accident.
I have a ton of stories when teaching teenagers in high school. Here's one that I walked right into....
When planning a foods lab of White Chicken Chili, I asked the lab groups to let me know how much chicken they wanted in their recipe. So the day before the lab, in class, I verbally stated "Let me know how many breasts you want." (I'm sure you can see where this is going).
The lab group consisting of the football players hands immediately shot into the air, and in unison they stated,
"We prefer two breasts!"
And here's another...The community was building a new high school on to the existing high school. After moving into the new part of the building, we were experiencing some strange things. One morning I walked into the classroom only to find a huge sack of flour split down the middle and flour spilled all over the table and floor. Under my breath I cussed out the immaturity of teenagers while I poured the remaining flour still in the sack into the bin as we had a full day's baking going on the foods lab that day.
A couple days later I came in and there were bits of ceiling tile all over the floor, and I looked up and saw a portion of a ceiling tile missing. I called maintenance. The culinary teacher and I were in the classroom talking when the maintenance worker came in, took one look at the ceiling, and stated, "This was done by a raccoon." We were shocked. He proceeded to tell us a family of raccoons nested between the walls as the building was constructed. He said there were daily sightings, and stated, "I'm sure they're in the foods lab every night looking for food."
The other teacher and I looked at each other and thought about the flour mess and all the baked products that were made with it. She said, "I won't tell if you won't tell." I said, "Done!"
Funny story. My friend and I seen my husband truck parted outside a lumber store. And I had his extra keys. So as a joke I drove his truck to the other side of the parking lot, thinking I’ll wait about ten minutes then call him and confess. Funny huh. But I forgot, one hour later I got this call from my husband who said “ I’m real mad at you right now!” Go figure, anyway when he told me his story about his missing truck we both laughed.