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Nerdy Dating? Online and Offline

Does anyone have advice as to where to find nerdy women interested in a relationship? I've heard all kinds of advice about online and offline places to try, all of which I've been actively pursuing. I'm curious to know what a community like this has to say.

I'm a straight male looking for a woman, so this whole post is written from this perspective. I can't speak for others. All perspectives welcome! Luckily, I'm confident when it comes to approaching and talking to people in general. My problem is just FINDING anyone even vaguely nerdy AND single in my area. I live in the most densely populated city in MN.

Note: I'm aware that 'nerdy' can mean a lot of different things to different people these days.

Prepare for a wall of text!

When it comes to ONLINE dating, which I thought would have the highest amount of nerdy people since we typically spend a lot of time on the internet, however this hasn't been the case. Over the last 8 years I've tried many different apps. Here's a brief summary...

  • geek2geek, Cuddli, Plenty of Fish, Sapio:
    These apps/sites are either poorly made cash grabs with ugly out-of-touch interfaces, have no users, or have been overridden by fake bot accounts. Sapio would be great since it's discussion based, but nobody uses it.

  • Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel:
    These are marketed towards everyone, so it takes a serious amount of searching to find anyone even vaguely nerdy. Even more difficult to find anyone interested in a relationship rather than a hookup. Profiles tend to just be photos with no effort put into a written bio. Good luck ever getting a response.

  • OKCupid:
    I've been a member of the site for 6 years and have had the most luck. I was in a relationship with a woman that I met here for almost 2 years. However, the creators of this site redesigned it so you have to both 'like' each other before messages can be seen by either party. The problem is that next to nobody uses the 'like' system, especially women. I already had a very hard time getting responses, and this change has made it even less likely.

When it comes to OFFLINE dating, I'm running out of ideas.

  • Bars, Clubs:
    Not a good place to find nerdy people. People are usually drunk and not behaving like themselves, are with groups of friends so you can't get a word in, and most likely not into nerdy stuff. Not a place to find a meaningful relationship.

  • 'Geek' Bars
    There are some bar-arcades in my area. I've gone a few times and it's usually just big groups of friends crowding over machines. There's no room or opportunity to speak to anyone individually. Especially difficult for a lone person like me to get a word in. I tried playing by myself on a co-op machine for a few hours, hoping people would join in. Nobody did, except there were a couple guys that played for awhile. I tried making conversation but they just kept talking to each other, ignoring me, and eventually left.

  • Conventions:
    I've been to at least 7 anime or sci fi conventions in my area. The majority of people that go to these are 16-20 years old, so I feel very out of place as a 30 year old. Anyone around my age just have private drunk parties in neighboring hotel rooms.

  • Meetups:
    I regularly attend 3 different nerdy meetups in my area. The turnout at each of them is usually 95% male. Any women that show up are usually the girlfriend of someone there, or are the guest speaker.

  • Libraries, Bookstores:
    I was once given advice to try approaching nerdy people at these types of places, but I can now attest that it's awkward as hell and they don't want to be approached. I also see people online saying "don't ever bother me while I'm trying to read", so I've concluded that this is a bad idea.

  • Public transit, or anywhere else
    These days people are defensive and go out of their way to avoid conversation. I don't blame them though. It's a dangerous world full of creeps.

Any advice on other places to try finding single, nerdy women?

grayskyday 3 Feb 14
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26 comments

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4

I can totally understand your dilemma. I'm having issues finding someone near to me as well. A naughty nerdy girl would be my dream girl! lol

4

It sounds like you're doing everything you can. You're out there. My go to advice is okCupid. I met my husband there.

Only other thought is nearby college events? Lecture series or activities open to the public?
I'm a very academic nerd myself so that's what I think of.

4

Yikes. Dunno.
Maybe find out where nerdy girls hang out online and go there?

Here are some links I googled just now:

Top Ten Ways To Meet Nerdy Girls [nerdbastards.com]

a nerdy girl dating site [gk2gk.com]

meet ups to meet nerdy girls [meetup.com]

3

I'm right here!!

What can ya do? ¯_(ツ)_/¯

@MollyBell apparently I can't do much lol

3

There is such a thing as trying too hard...meaning folks can read desperation in a person. Not saying that you are but if you are, if you are trying really hard, it wouldn't be hard for a potential mate to pick up on it. And desperation is a big turn off/red flag kinda thing.

My advise, relax a bit, find places that you like to hang out, online and in person, and be open minded about those around you. See them as people and friends and allow space for all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. This helps combat the desperation and helps others to see you as someone worth hanging out with (like the old adage, when it rains, it pours, but in a good way).

3

Sounds like you either have to do without or lower your standards. Or some would say, be less picky.

I'm fairly nerdy and introverted, married to a smart, introverted but not nerdy woman. We complement each other's strengths / weaknesses. My prior / late wife was a systems analyst / senior developer but also not particularly nerdy.

Also, you could probably become a little bit less nerdy. I still enjoy Star Trek and watch Star Wars with my step son but it's not a lifestyle and I wouldn't be caught dead at a ComicCon. At 30, maybe you can mature out of some of that. Being nerdy isn't some kind of sacred trust. It's permitted to modify it. And doing so doesn't mean you're filled with self-loathing, or that you're doing things you can't stand. I have found non-nerdy activities to not be beneath me. Maybe some nerds have too much invested in BEING a nerd. I don't see nerdiness as an end unto itself.

I met my current wife on a now-defunct general discussion site for people over 40 and we were attracted to each other's writing style. My previous one I met using a pre-Internet by-mail dating service (yes, I'm that old).

Hey I've seen some old folks at Comicons broadcast on TV..... lol

They often travel in pairs though?

3

via your nerdy friends? We had this discussion this afternoon here. Apart from myself the oldest was 33 and youngest 24, all nerds. Nerds find each other cool, online doesn't seem to work, they all found each other through friends of friends. We have supernova here and various cosplay events they often meet up with others, get photos taken together swap facebook info, tag each other and it seems to develop from there. Though snapchat seems to be the go more than FB at the moment.

and when you find some, ask if they have any single nerdy aunts in Oz.

For relationships in general, I tend to hear the friends-of-friends thing being most common. An additional layer of complexity for me is that I'm somewhat of a loner. There are some people that I might run into at events every few months, but nobody close enough to just hop in a car with and go to a convention with. I'm working on it though.

2

Well it's nice to see this is a rather common problem. Everyone around me is either all about religion or all about sports.

2

Lots of nerdy women here!

Check out your matches. I think by virtue of the fact that we think? We tend to be nerdier than the average population? (This seems to include many men too).

Both my Nerd/Geek Nephews found their current love interests at "Magic - The Gathering". But they are in their early 20's. I can always ask if older people attend? (Apparently a combo of cards and D&D).

2

I got nothin helpful, sorry. I've been the nerdy girl in the 90% male nerd environment and it's not a nice feeling. I would not recommend coming onto nerdy women in these situations. They already feel like chum; they're unlikely to appreciate anyone who acts like a shark. Just make eye contact and smile; let them signal you if they're interested.

Technical College? Or??

Frankly I'd say ask for a one on one setting rather than "Coming onto them.". That always worked on me. I think I dated someone after we played chess?

I appreciate hearing this from both your perspectives. I feel bad because we want everyone to feel included in our groups, but at the same time being singled out among a large group must feel alienating.

@RavenCT E4

@grayskyday it's not any one person's fault that our society pays an inordinate amount of attention to the bits between people's legs and socializes them toward or away from activities that have nothing to do with those bits. It's not anyone's fault that my generation grew up mostly thinking Magic the Gathering and D&D are "for boys"--still! Ugh!!--which means that any girls who get into those things are going to stand out. It is what it is. It's unfortunate and at times uncomfortable, but individuals aren't responsible for social conditions that have been brewing for generations--only their own behavior. No one was ever inappropriate toward me at the game store--in fact, not many even spoke to me unless I spoke first--but I definitely felt a lot of attention. Just for being female, and being there. It's an odd feeling, and my temperament can't tolerate it. I'm not mad. I just don't go there anymore.

@stinkeye_a I'm 53 and spent many a night doing D&D with an all male group. (Engineering College.). - Because so many of us were geeks or nerds I never felt uncomfortable in a group. Maybe you need smaller groups? Or maybe because I was in Massachusetts it was a more open minded group? IDK. - I've been in groups where I was freaked out by the overabundance of men - but usually because they were drunk.

2

Your obviously an intelligent chap, ask yourself " Where do nerdy women hang out? " Book clubs spring to mind (if there is not one in your area start one). Are there any visiting lectures coming to town? Amature dramatics are a good source or yoga. Being skilled in IT can be a great introduction. Local historical or conservation groups too.

For nerdy insert intelligent. Feminist groups would be ideal. I assume that your in support of equality. So lets make the odds in your favor. A feminist group would have overwhelming amounts of smart women. Now I would not wish you to play false or become active in these just to get laid but a guy with sincere beliefs and IT skills in a room full of women.... you do the math

@273kelvin bahaha. Y'all know women know exactly why you show up those meetings,right?

@Blindbird There is nothing wrong with being righteous and horny lol

2

I have the same issue. I'm nerdy and can't find a boyfriend. I gave up online dating/apps. I don't get out enough to go to the bookstore every day. I work. No one at the gym wants me either. I'm out of ideas.

Don't give up. Keep trying.

@sciteachmd I'm an athletic nerd. If that makes any sense? I workout, yet I'm brainy.

2

I've met a few nerdy guys on OK Cupid. It sucks that they've changed it so you have to "like" each other first. I didn't know that (it's been a while since I've even been on the site). I don't know if it works the same for women.

Yea, they changed it sitewide. It's pretty annoying but as a woman who's been on there a long time, it's cut down on the shitty messages so much.

2

At least you go places.

It’s hard for me to look people in the face, as I use a cane and have to watch where I walk.

I actually have a huge problem with Anxiety, and this stops me from talking to anyone outside of my safe zone ideals. An attractive guy??? I can’t. I’ll not be his type, or he would have said something to me, right?

It wouldn’t bother me if someone stopped to talk to me at a bookstore, or anywhere really. As long as they are polite, I will say hello. If they pose an interesting query or funny anecdote, I would probably share a random fact.

1

Check out the social media platform Minds.com and start a forum on the topic. That might work...

1

It's hard to meet the right people in general, these days. Individualistic societies are built in a way that encourage neuroticism and isolation. Saying "hello" or smiling at a stranger didn't used to qualify for a fight or flight response; typically the danger to oneself would have to be higher to trigger that response; but now, saying "hello" is the same as being mauled by a bear.

1

No idea, but I'd love to know if you figure it out. I consider myself a nerdy girl and I'd ask you out if you didn't live 800 miles away.

1

I have been asking the same question about where to find nerdy guys close to my age. I have also tried most of the dating cites mentioned in your post. It is hard to find a gentleman with a degree, who enjoys the sciences, can speak and write in full sentences and is not religious. Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that I live in a state where there are very few scientists, intellectuals or men with college degrees. I live in Florida's Space Coast where you can find a church on every block and palm readers in most local areas. It is my hope that some nerdy guy close to my age will reach out to me along the Agnostic.com divide. My advice to you is to keep looking. You are in the right place.

1

Funnily enough I know a handful of people who met their SO's playing online multiplayer games. They're all really good fits for one another too. Something about the comraderie(?sp) I guess.

1

I must be a nerdy guy. From reading the comments I seem to have the same or similar experiences.

1

Regarding libraries and bookstores, I agree with the comment about not interrupting people when they're reading, but I think it's OK to approach people who are browsing.

1

What about the college hubs? You’re young.

0

Watching this with interest.

PoF has been the best of a very bad bunch for me. I've actually had several dates out of it. One turned into a very short lived (about 4 weeks) relationship. During which time the guy insisted I delete (rather than suspend) all of my dating profiles. Oh, and he expected my Facebook password too (he didn't get it - I might not have anything to hide, but friends on there have confided things in me, and me only.)

Wherever you look, you'll mostly find men just looking for somewhere warm to stick their penis, and mostly women looking for relationships but massively cynical after too much exposure to men just looking for somewhere warm to stick their penis.

0

Have you tried comic book shops & gaming stores?

0

I saw this article about a bar in Portland. Other than a bit of a commute, it would be a great place for you! Maybe Minneapolis needs one!!

[wweek.com]

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