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New partner after a long time relationship finished?

Easy or hard, worthy or not, how about the freedom you give away again! Second thoughts in back of your mind?

spiritualless 4 Dec 22
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8

Try not to overthink it. If a relationship scares you, it’s the wrong person or the wrong time.

UUNJ Level 8 Jan 23, 2019
6

I ended up in another relationship fairly quickly after ending my 13 year marriage, but it wasn't intentional. What was supposed to be just a fun date to 'get back out there' turned serious when we really clicked with each other. While I don't regret meeting my boyfriend, I honestly wish I had met him later and had more time to be single and, corny and cliche as it sounds, find myself.

I also agree that you do lose freedom in a relationship. I'm not talking about being controlled or anything like that, just the simple fact that now there's someone else who is involved in the decisions you make. Even just little things as simple as if I want to go and grab a bite to eat, but it's 10 am and I know my boyfriend will be home for lunch at 11, so instead of just grabbing a quick bite of whatever I want, I wait until his lunch break and we agree on what to eat together. That is a loss of freedom, in a way.

5

@KatMalina ~ I wonder if your "loss of freedom" statement has been misunderstood a little...?

Verbiage aside, my opinion? Yes. For me, there's been a loss of freedom(s) anytime I've left my oneness and attempted something committed with another person. From big things, such as: wander-lusting around off-the-beaten-path(s) for weeks/months at a time all alone, to tiny things, such as: turning off my phone and not checking texts or voicemails when I finally chose to turn it back on. Small things to me but HUGE things when someone's wanting, needing or expecting to be able to reach me or see me on a regular basis. (You get the idea, you lose some things, hopefully however ... you gain much more than you "lose." ** I'm not sure "lose" is the best word to use, but it's the easiest.) πŸ™‚

About you finding yourself: I'd not call that corny, but if you aren't able to continue finding yourself with someone, you're either with the wrong person or maybe your journey of self is on hold. When you're evolving, the right person will get it and you. The wrong person will hate you for it. πŸ˜‰ Good luck on your journey. πŸ™‚

5

You should NEVER give away your freedom to be the person you are ! That would tell me you are with the wrong person.

5

I don't quite understand...freedom from what? If you are fortunate enough to meet someone and enjoy each other and all that jazz, what are you giving away? I've always thought that a relationship should be shared, not given and taken...maybe that is just me and my two cents...

@PalacinkyPDX women often feel like they have to give up some of themselves or always put a partner’s needs first when in a relationship.

@PalacinkyPDX and other times it’s a person doing what the other person wants and telling them self it’s what they want to do. Speaking from experience.

4

I don't think you give up freedoms in healthy relationship.. Find that person who accepts you and all that you stand for and enjoy. β™‘

RezZa Level 5 Dec 26, 2018

The phrase "give up freedoms" might sound a bit dramatic dramatic but there are definitely trade offs. If you choose to spend time with someone or be there for someone when they need you you're doing that in lieu of doing something else instead. In a healthy relationship I'd expect someone to happily make those trade offs more often than not though. Like everything in life it's about finding the right balance.

@Sacrilege I was showing my late wife how to use power tools(Mitersaw,drill,press,and corded and uncorded drills) to make bird houses, before her cancer fight. I've used these tools most of my working life,she had not.

4

As wonderful as it can be to be able to move on and find that right person, I think it's natural to experience all of the apprehensions that we tend to have.

I wish you the best!

3

If you think you're giving away freedom then you're going down the wrong path. I think a good relationship should make both partners feel more free.

3

I was married for 25 years. After that, I had a relationship with a younger man for seven years. I have been single now for 13 years. I have had short term relationships in the interim and a couple of the men wanted to get married or live together.

No.

3

Not too concerned about freedom -- if you feel oppressed in a relationship, there's probably a reason. Like, you have a controlling partner? If you feel oppressed in every relationship, then it's all you. Apart and aside from that, I agree with those who advise you to take a look at why the last relationship failed and your role in it. True, sometimes it's far more one person's fault than the other's, but there is always some responsibility to be had -- what did you accept that you shouldn't have accepted? What did you not speak your mind about that was worth the battle? (You're only worth what you're willing to tolerate.) Be objective about it; separate your emotions from the situation, as hard as that may be.

There is no "right" person or "wrong" person -- there are people who will accept you and respect you for who you are, knowing that you have flaws; and those who, for some reason, cannot. On a final note, compatibility probably isn't what you think it is. Compatibility is when your values align -- a common value, for example, would be a shared view of religion, similar political views. Take your time with this, or else you'll short yourself by choosing Just Anyone.

There are definitely wrong people!

3

Time spent to carefully evaluate why the last relation ship ended including why you put up or selected previous relationship person with behavior πŸ‘© would be wise. A way to perhaps lower the chance of the same or similar future outcome.

3

No right or wrong here. Only what you feel ready for. I would just want to make sure I was going into it for the right reasons. Am I just avoiding a fear of being alone, or am I truly ready to move on and try again?

2

Enjoy a single life, it's brill to know you don't "need anyone" do it a while then if you meet someone special you will know you are entering a relationship for the right reasons

2

I was married for 20 years, separated for a year then married for 18 years. I spent way too many years in both marriages trying to make it work. I have been single now for 5 years.
I find it difficult to believe that I will ever find "the one". I have however enjoyed dating multiple women, sometimes at the same time (always with everyone's full knowledge). I still somehow seem to be attracted to the idea that there should be "a one and only forever" but this idea becomes less attractive the longer I am alone. There is someone I see rarely and we enjoy each other's company when we do, it would be nice if we continue. We stay independent, maintain our own homes and pretty much live without having to compromise.

2

I'm only here because a classmate of mines dad found the love of his/their life on this site - both of whom had previously failed marriages.. It's full of people, which includes the good and the bad, but you can find it here.

Go over your Bio information,redo it to make it seem more approachable,reply and create posts,let the community see your intelligence, and how you think.....

@Mike1947 it wasn't some fake, polished bio (bio is good for seeing how they want you to see them, NOT how they really are) that led them to each other - it was brutal honesty about who and what they are in the forums, PM's, and groups here.

I like how its working so far. (Sorry about your wife)

@MarkiusMahamius Life;No guarantee's,I've my good memories, but the bad ones seem to come,just before sleep,so two 10mg tablets before bed seem to work the best.

@MarkiusMahamius Couples have been created here,with several marriages,this is not the traditional dating site,it's more like a community of similar thinkers,who have a feeling I suppose, of "family". As in any family,disagreements happen,frosty silences,but no bodies(yet)....

@Mike1947 no guarantees at all.
Hope time heals all wounds blah blah blah. Sounds like you've found a way to cope.

The couple I know meet back in feb, spent the summer visiting each other, then he moved 00 miles so they could move in together. Quite blissfully in love, to the point they'll make you sick to your stomach if you spend to much time around them. So jealous.

@MarkiusMahamius Before I married my late wife I did off and on dating due to very low wages for 16 years,before that,8 years in the Air Force,moving like a gypsy every 6 months to a years time,makes it hard to create a relationship,left many a broken heart in my travels,seems I'd find a great Woman,and soon I'd get orders to move on yet again,Now Men who enlist stay at one base(It seems for the duration of their enlistment).I don't embrace being lonely,it's part of me I guess.

2

What are your goals?Take some time off,relax and not worry about finding another S/O,they say love will find us.

1

What freedom would you be expected to relinquish? Whatever it is would it be so bad? Would it be worse than total isolation?

For me, a resounding yes. It would be worse than having nothing, but I've noticed other people willing to give up everything just for the sake of company.

1

Not giving up my freedom, or the TV remote, either! Anyway, I have ways to keep you oblivious......

1

My first marriage was terrible, with the exception that two children came into being and they are great. For ten years I tried to be the person she wanted me to be. It took me about a year to get over this and I came to meet a wonderful woman who I thought would be the love of my life. This was not to be as she wanted to be with someone else. I moved on and went into a great depression, contemplated suicide, had dreams about jumping off a bridge, and other things. I found a program that taught how to find the perfect job. I had what I thought was the best job, but everything else was a disaster. I met a woman, and immediately found her to have the same attractors as my first wife, and also the problems. That ended and then I decided to let well enough alone and just focus on work. I moved across town, closer to work, this forced me to find other friends and allowed me to just meet other people. In figuring that I was not looking for another love, I just did not pay attention, but eventually I ended up at a party for a friend who was going to Seattle for school. I found myself being followed to every group I moved to. I talked to her just for moment as I though she had a boyfriend. She did ask that I call her and since I knew it would not work for a number of reasons, I made the call and we had out first get together. During the whole get together I knew it was not going to work so I was myself. She knew a lot about me as he last boyfriend was not the person I thought but my room mate. I lived in a house that was shared by five guys. Her real last boyfriend was the guy who lived across the hall from me. We have been married for thirty years. Neither of us gave up any freedom, we each gained much by the relationship. At this point she is sick, Erdheim-Chester, and almost bled to death three years ago. I would not do anything else if I had the chance for a do over. Pick the right person and forget you have an ego and live your life, share with someone. Even when you are both ill everything is at least great.

1

I was married for 20 years. Horrible. Just horrible, for the most part.
I've been single for almost as long.
I'm finding it increasingly hard to have the energy required for another relationship.
There's a window of opportunity here I feel is starting to close and I don't know how I feel about that....

I closed the window of opportunity. It is really never too late, but I cannot see ever wanting another serious relationship. I cannot image living with someone.

1

It feels wonderful! No second thoughts.

Carin Level 8 Dec 23, 2018
0

Sometimes I think age has a large role in finding someone. My first marriage at 21 was a total failure for many reasons but I had 2 kids from it. After 6 yrs it was over and I remet a talll, dark, handsome guy from high school who was very popular in school, we lived together for 6 yrs and he wanted to sell my cottage (small) and buy a house.
We were mid 30s. So we married, sold and got more land, bigger house and stayed married 20 more yrs. He passed when we were 54 and I really thought I could handle another relationship but one never showed up despite date sites, meeting men etc. The age thing: men don't exactly look the same at 60 as at 30 HUGE disappointment and I kept wanting 30 yr olds. Women tend do a better job of keeping up their looks, men grow beards and it's downhill from there. I never connected again and now I'm 68 with no expectations. At this point it would be very difficult to meld with another person, esp. in a live in arrangement.
I keep thinking dating would be nice but with viagra in the equation it's less attractive to me. Not saying I don't enjoy sex but daily or anything remotely close nope. So depending on age, time alone, knowing yourself; you'll have to take that into consideration and work from there.

0

Death is a finish of sorts....grief mourning and new love is both memory reliving AND memory burials .....similar sweet kisses AND new epitaphs left upon dusty old pillow cases

0

If you're not ready to give away the freedoms, don't. Shape new relationships in ways that make you feel comfortable.

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