Your comment is so true: "If I insult the system, I'm insulting the victims/believers..." If you insult the system, you are insulting those who chose believe in it. I find it difficult not comment - "you REALLY believe that crap???", but I manage control my mouth. I don't really want alienate people, and I have found that religious people are not very tolerant of anything other than their choice, so in the effort to be peaceful, I just say nothing. If invited to comment or participate I will offer my opinion, but I would rather allow people their delusions. I know the truth as I choose to believe it, and that is the most important part to me. I'm not going to change anyone's mind, and I am not arguing with someone's belief. I want people to respect MY choice, so I need to offer that courtesy to them...

I equate militant atheists with militant Xian’s. Religion or lack there of is a personal decision and it’s no ones business but mine if I’m an atheist.
I will share that info with whom I decide to, when I decide to and not force my opinions on anyone..including my children. People need to find thier own way by education.

Good question.

Your SO (particularly if she came out of fundamentalism) has been trained pretty much from the cradle to confuse her beliefs with her identity and to take personal umbrage to critiques of her beliefs.

How long has she been a deconvert? It probably took me 2 or 3 years to get over such notions. I remember finding "new atheism" cringeworthy and over the top at first, in part because I knew exactly how believers would take it. It took me some time to realize that this is entirely their problem and it IS a personal problem, not just an understandable aspect of their humanity but a dysfunctional mindset.

The way I usually put it is that fundamentalism isn't about being good, it's about being RIGHT. And the mere suggestion that you're mistaken in your beliefs cuts right to the quick for them.

All that said, it's probably not unreasonable to avoid using unflattering terms for believers, or to insert some qualifying remarks that you're addressing the belief, not the persons holding the belief; but don't expect it to make much difference. They try really hard to find ways to be offended anyway. In the end, many of them are in fact real asshats and all you do by trying to be nice is to show weakness for them to exploit.

IRL (In Real Life), people on both sides mostly avoid the topic, so in practice, the only place I've had intense exchanges is online. I have even LESS sympathy for their tender feelings in that context, because no one is holding a gun to their head to make them debate or engage with unbelievers. If they can't stand the heat, they can easily leave the kitchen.

I've never been comfortable around people without filters. Knowing what to say, when to say it, or when not to say it has always been important to me.

I understand completely what u wrote . U remind me someone I used to know 15 yrs ago or so . Although I was never affiliated w any religion and born w the luxury of an atheist father and environment , still , religion and it's people was a point to loose my s often .
Man , no excuse at my age, but I still lose my s . Not very often thou . W time u will change too . U will even learn to smile and sit back and only spit fire and smoke when important times / input required . U ll see .
If the lady is worth the world to u , if may I add an advice , let it go . It's clear she won't agree w your style on this . Honey , share a nice time w her in a place like the picture above and smile to ea other . ?

i'm NOT like you, at least in the respect you mention. i don't have any trouble restraining myself from trying to change people or mouth off that they're different from me, unless they're hurting others (yeah, yeah, i know, religion can hurt others, but that's not what i mean). i'll mouth off about separation of church and state. i'm not going to call names just because someone believes something i think is silly.

g

It is understandable that to her she is reminded of her past, which she likely feels insecure about. Let her know it is not her fault the way the world is, and that she does not have to feel alone. We've been there. It isn't easy.

The insult was religion all along. It is an insult on humanity. But if we ignore its persistence, it seeps back into our thinking through cultural paradigms.

Then on the other hand, what difference will your opinion make in ten-thousand years from now? It is not always necessary in the grand scheme of things.