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Is it wise to get back with an ex?

My ex use to be my best friend and what not we share a kid together. He is the ex I have been talking about. Well. I broke down and told him everything that has happened since I left him and how I'm getting kicked out over June being a toddler. He talks about how he has changed how great rock hill is , which rock hill is great I loved it. I only don't trust he has changed and his family is just too much for me. But I do still love him. But with how his family is , that's the biggest problem and reason I left when I had a chance. And how he cheated on me. My question is this. Is it wise to get back together. To move back and live together as a family. So I don't have to be alone or be taken to court because our daughter doesn't take a bottle. And my family hasn't changed at all. I come from users. And it takes everything in me not be like them. But. Is it wise to get back with him after everything that has happened in the past two years , is it wise? Its beaficle for the girls. I won't be lonely and get my friend back. But once again I will have moved hours away from my family and have to be around his controlling manipulative draining family.

Jswearingen92 5 Feb 23

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61 comments

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0

Do what you have to do, then what you need to do.

My childhood was in constant turmoil because my mother had a "revolving door" policy with my abusive, alcoholic father. She'd get pregnant, the abuse began (directed at her and us), he'd leave, she'd be sad, angry and saddled with supporting us, he'd beg to come back...rinse and repeat for me and my three siblings.

Still, knowing your situation you may HAVE to take him up on it. Just strive for independence and don't be blind to the strong possibility you're walking into the same vicious cycle.

17

I've made that mistake. Going back for more when my gut told me to stay away. Listen to your gut.

14

One of my favorite sayings and a source of great motivation for me these days is 'nothing changes....if nothing changes'. So, what has changed to not make a reunion with your ex a 'same song - different verse' scenario? Avoid the nonsense in the poems about following your heart: it just might lead you off a cliff. Same with those telling you to think it through: you can justify all sorts of bad decisions with a wounded brain. But your guts...those never lie to you and always shoot straight. What are they saying to you? Good Luck!

The flip side of your favorite saying is one of my favorite sayings, if nothing changes then everything stays the same.

12

I don't think anyone can answer that for you.

I'd make up a list divided down the middle of pros and cons. When you've given yourself some time - look at it again.

It's not the number of things in each column it's the importance of those things to you.

Also why can't he move to the area you are in? That sounds so much smarter. His family sounds sort of toxic?

Couldn't agree more with you.

9

Trust your gut. The one that had you write "I will have moved hours away from my family and have to be around his controlling manipulative draining family." And, he cheated on you. What has changed that you think he won't cheat on you again? If nothing has changed, your going back to him teaches him he can get away with it (at least, potentially this is the message he gets).

Again, trust your gut. If it has ANYTHING negative to say about him... don't.

That said, only YOU can make this decision.

9

If you had a carton of milk in the fridge and you took it out and smelled it an realized it was bad you'd toss it in the trash. Would you later go back and think "is it really bad" and then taste it again? No, you'd leave it in the trash.

7

Will you be able to forgive yourself if it's just the same ole 2.0? Really?
JMO but I'd be wanting to simplify and put out the main fires under my feet one at a time, rather than adding more fuel to the chaos.

Some people boomerang and just become "static" to your focus. Sometimes "the devil you know" is still the devil.

5

Trust me on this, because I’m on the other side of that decision, RUN! Do whatever you have to to NOT get back with him. He WILL cheat again. His family WILL abuse you again. But most importantly, your daughter will suffer for it. I made the decision to get back with my ex because... reasons... much like your own. My boys are now grown. I was nearly destroyed by his family, our friendship went down the toilet, my youngest doesn’t speak to me, my oldest (now 31) has had 2 failed marriages because we set the standard. Hun, it’s hard. And the choice sucks. Your baby, heck, YOU deserve better! I don’t know the particulars, or you for that matter. But certain things have certain inevitable cycles. You only get this one life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. You have to choose your own path, I hope this helps you some.

5

It has never worked for me in the past, and I always ended up kicking myself in the ass. Your situation is different, because children are involved.

I'm sure it's difficult when someone was your best friend; however, that doesn't mean you should get back together. Sorry to be so negative, but there seem to be several red flags here. It seems dangerous for you to subject your children to his family if they are "controlling, manipulative and draining."

5

People aren't all good or all bad and people who can be really nasty can also be really nice for a while, if they want to be - but that doesn't mean they have changed. Without knowing what your ex's motivations are it's difficult but my gut feeling is that he won't have changed deep things like his moral boundaries or the way he treats other people around him because virtually nobody does unless they have had a huge thing happen in their life, like a near death experience.

I took my ex back so many times when it looked like she wasn't so selfish ... but as soon as we got back she started to go selfish again and it all went back to just the same old stuff. Just remember the old saying, "the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour".

5

There's no simple answer. Proceed with caution and prepare to be hurt.

5

I would need to get back eith my ex like I need a hole in the head. Not much I have to offer you.

godef Level 7 Feb 23, 2018
4

i don't know of course...but your post sounds like your wishing things could be good for good reasons, but you sound more sure it wouldn't be. just an impression. i wish you the best.

4

It has never worked for me personally... Good luck to you, whatever you decide...

4

My take is that there were reasons for your breakup. Do you have real, realistic evidence that those things have changed? Not just HOPE that things have changed because that’s what you want to believe. If not, history is likely to repeat itself, and will do so when your kids are old enough to see things fall apart and grieve the loss.

3

Women getting back with their ex is a cliche. Women look at the time and effort put into a person as an investment, and would prefer that over having to find someone new (and potentially better for them). It's why many women find themselves with men who are abusive, because the men use that "investment" against them. They know they'd rather make excuses and lie to themselves, I.e. "He's changed", "He didn't mean it last time.", "It was my fault. He loves me."

People do change, but not quickly.
When a person cheats on you, but nothing is done to address the "why" of it happening, then there's great risk of history repeating itself.
Don't let convenience, familiarity, and comfort put you in a situation you'll regret later, or worse, in a situation you don't have the means to get out of.

3

I don't think it is ever a good idea to get back with an ex, but I do believe everyone has one that they wish they could try again

3

every situation is different,
I have friends who split for a few years and have been very happy for the past 4

2

So I like to make analogies for different situations and here's the one I came up with for this...

What's your favorite movie?

Mine is hands down Casablanca...Now what if they made a sequel? Let's face it we all know it would be terrible..

2

I don't see any positives about your ex in that post, and no matter what a million songs and movies say, love just isn't enough to base a relationship on. You need trust, and he destroyed the trust when he cheated on you. (I'm pretty new around here, so I haven't read any other posts you've made about him.)

Would it be possible for you to try reviving a relationship with him without moving away from your family? That might let you see if he has, indeed, changed significantly. I seriously doubt that he has, but if you insist on considering taking him back, it would be wise to check his claims before committing completely by moving to wherever he is. A move like that would uproot your kids and take THEM away from your family, too.

2

I've done it twice, and neither time worked. Sure, things were different when we got back together, but they went back to the same old shit quickly.

JimG Level 8 Feb 24, 2018
2

Has anything that was a problem before really changed? If not, then nothing will be different if you move back in with him.

2

Disclaimer: The following is speculation and based on assumptions made from my own experiences so please forgive if I offend you. Check your true motivation because it sounds like you are in a tight spot with your living situation etc and think a reconciliation will solve all those problems. Actually it will just bring it’s own set of problems with higher stakes. I think you know a reconciliation is not what you really want. I also think if you just reread your own post that will become clear to you. For instance, read these two sentences together: It will be good for the girls. I will have to be around his controlling manipulative family. Those two things do not mesh. My best to you!

1

OMFG, NO!!! Was my initial reaction...

Of course you will make your own decision. I've tried it, didn't work. It hasn't ever worked in my personal experience and from what I've heard from others. Unless you have some hard evidence that he has changed, you shouldn't expect anything different this time.

Listen to what you said / wrote. And how he cheated on me. And his controlling, manipulative, and draining family.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I've done it. Learn from my mistake and my life experiences. I wish I had someone who told me that.

Either way, good luck to you. We'll all be here however it turns out.

1

Yeah. Lots of people end up marrying there ex’s. Sometimes a little time off to reset is needed.

1

You can make your lives work together however you want it to. But if your family and/or his family is fucking up the way you want to construct your lives, you kick them out. Your household, your rules. They can respect you, or they don't come through the door. Now the cheating part... That's personal and its got to be up to you.

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