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What was your most absurd first date?

After emails and phone conversations, I met a Seattle man at Roslyn CafΓ©. In April, it was cold in the mountains.

Oddly, he insisted on eating outdoors. Sane diners were in the warm cafe. I was warmly dressed in winter boots, ski jacket, hat and gloves, after driving over snowy Blewett Pass. So I said okay.

As soon as our lunch was served and the waitress walked away, he leaned over the table and asked me to join him in group sex. I was aghast.

"NO WAY!" I exploded and asked suspiciously, "Whatever gave you the idea that I'd be interested in THAT?"

"You said you were very liberal," he replied.

"That refers to my political beliefs, not my sexual inclinations!" I shot back.

I stood up and stomped to my car, forgetting to take a doggie bag. Drove home, hungry and fuming. Then I ran to my computer and changed my political beliefs to "liberal."

By LiterateHiker
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29 comments

8

In college I was invited out to dinner with a guy who played on the football team (Go Boilermakers!)...he was good looking, charming, smart, had a car, and seemed to be more mature than most, being three older than I was.

He asked me to dress up a bit since he was taking me somewhere special. My roomie helped me pick out a nice dress and get ready. He picked me up on time and even came to the door and met my other dorm mates...

We headed out of town, which should have been a warning sign, but I just thought we were going to one of those fancy-country-Victorian-converted to a restaurant places. He turned down a road and then I smelled the worst stench ever...he said it was pigs on the farm...ok...we pulled up to a house, but it was a farm house...WTF?

Turns out it was his mom's house...she had cooked our dinner and was joining us...I suffered through endless questions about my family, etc. but at least the meal was good; it was so awkward for a first date since I really didn't know him and had to sit with his mom! Who takes a date to meet his mom on the first one?

Needless to say, it was too bizarre and a few days later when he called, I told him that I wasn't interested. He said his mom told him I was too skinny to have the six or so grandkids that she wanted anyway...seriously?

Dodged a bullet there...easily...

thinktwice Level 8 Feb 8, 2019
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@thinktwice

I got dressed up for THIS?

" I smelled the worst stench ever"

You are a great comedy writer!

Edited

@LiterateHiker lol Had I known I was auditioning as the mother of her grandchildren, I would have worn a bulkier outfit...uh...no...

8

Depends. I once went on a date with a guy who was a city manager around these parts where I live. We didn't make it to our appetiser because he fainted. He was so nervous during our first date, he passed out.

We technically spent our first date in the E.R.πŸ˜…

We laughed about it and became friends. We went out a few more times. He wanted an exclusive relationship, but I wasn't ready. Btw... we never had sex.

We stayed friends and hung out until he left and went on to another city.

SleeplessInTexas Level 7 Feb 7, 2019
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@SleeplessInTexas

We technically spent our first date in the E.R.

You WIN. Hilarious!

Edited
6

He kept wanting to grab my hand and tickle my palm, even after I said stop it. It was creepy.

bleurowz Level 8 Feb 8, 2019
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6

Worst first date was at a Mexican restaurant and this guy talked about his ex and her IBS the whole time. He was obviously still hung up on her. It was awful.

Ashley6245 Level 4 Feb 7, 2019
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OMG That is AWFUL!!!

Umm, yeah. That's really bad.

Nothing attracts a man like IBS!

5

My sister’s ex-boyfriend fixed me up with his friend. I was 22; he was 34. He spend much of his time talking about the pretty babies we would have. Ugh.

UUNJ Level 8 Feb 8, 2019
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5

Hard to choose...
One with a guy I really liked mid 90's. He took us to some restaurant in Windsor that had metal plates and a viking vibe...on a first date. The rest is blurry. I just remember the ginormous flatware & plates being a scream and him being super awkward.

The other one happened just last year. I don't know that I'd call it a date exactly. He was a long time friend of my late husband's & mine, but he'd been asking me out for months. I'd only been tolerating him really because he ruined my perception of him when he hit on me while my husband was dying.
Also I've never been attracted to him.

Anywhoo, he supposedly won tickets to Isle of Dog? last spring & caught me off guard so I agreed to drive us to the theater being that his vehicle is super whacked... first off he was super bossy about where we were going to park, "over here, no this way, see I told you over here" type BS. Ok . Next he gets out to go feed the meter...with a credit card? He's fumbling around, it was cold & rainy so I reached for coins in my purse & fed the meter. Between the parking directions & hapless meter feeding I could feel my blood pressure rise.
It being flu season got my alcohol spray bottle & sprayed my hands. Not a second later I hear "AHHHHH!!!!!" the wind had gotten the spray in his eyes. My horns popped out & I couldn't help laughing altho I did apologize profusely.

FF to the concession & here I am somehow paying for us both... THEN as we're seated someone he knows sits next to us, a couple. He neglects to introduce us after a few minutes and the guy in the couple picks up the slack & introduces himself and his date.
I don't remember much about this movie except that I wasn't bowled over by it. I excused myself to call my girl and talked to her for quite awhile in the lobby.

THEN we dutched at a horrid sports bar with craptastic mexican food. Never again.

Qualia Level 8 Feb 8, 2019
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5

This is it in all its horrible reality. And no, even after I suffered through it, and regretted it, I never dated her again for some time. I was 16. I became friendly with a sweet young thing (thing is so sexist). We talked, held hands and spent time together in school. She asked me to lunch and to attend some event one Saturday with her and her family. I went. Lunch was nice, her parents normal and polite, and never mentioned my long hair. They said we were going to a camp event. We drove over an hour. The young lady and I pressed together in the back seat. We drove into a large "camp" with barracks like buildings and people cooking on grills. We parked. She and I were told to look around and meet back at a large tent in an hour. So, we went into the woods and did some kissypoo stuff. We returned, joined everyone going into the large, hot, tent. I was getting an idea what was happening and shrugged it off. Until it got serious. Some guy and his minions started preaching about Jesus and sin and redemption and all sorts of shit. My brain went numb and shut it all out as best as possible. Then the end came. I knew the relationship had to end. There was no saving it. She got up, went to the front, grabbed a hold of the railing placed there, bent down, with tears in her eyes and started to weep heavily. The ride home sucked. She was filled with the spirit and her parents were rejoicing and I just wanted out. That day can never be burned from my memory.
Addendum: we ran into each other a year after graduation. She wasn't near as religious. We had one date: a movie after a joint.
Recently she became a FB friend after 40 years. She is again wild about jesus, but a die-hard democrat. Some hope.

Beowulfsfriend Level 8 Feb 7, 2019
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4

I'm not even going into the actual date part...1st impressions will give you a clue though. Keep in mind we'd talked for hours being meeting. 1) The guy who's profile said he was 5'10....5'1". 2) The guy that looked so handsome and sounded so together. Didn't mention he was 350 lbs and in a wheelchair. Which wouldn't have mattered if he'd been forthcoming and not a crazy alcoholic. 3) The guy who spent the whole first date talking about the atrocities of what he'd experienced in Vietnam. I felt so horrible for him and didn't sleep for many nights. Not first date conversation.

Lovemylife1 Level 5 Feb 8, 2019
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4

Yikes. Next time though, get the doggie bag.

Mitch07102 Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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4

Girl off her face on coke takes me back to her place, only to find out it's actually her childhood home and her dad abused her.....

Insatiapaul Level 4 Feb 8, 2019
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4

As far as the most absurd, it would probably be when I was doing graduate work in Environmental Studies. There was a young lady, an undergrad senior, in one of the 400 level classes. We became friends during the first few months of the school year and I invited her to go to the Holiday play being produced by the drama department at the end of the quarter.

Shortly after I picked her up at her place she asked me to please not drive so fast. I may have been two or three miles over the posted limit, but it was nowhere near an excess speed. She explained that she would be much more comfortable if I would keep it down to about 5 mph under the limit. I knew then and there that this would be our first and last date. At the time I was widely regarded by friends as an expert on beating speeding tickets.

But that just sets up the really absurd part of the date. We had finished a nice dinner and were almost to the campus when a Sheriff's car pulled up next to us at a traffic light. I pulled off the light and cruised at 5 mph under the limit to the next light, where I turned into the campus. When I noticed the deputy following me, I said, "We're about to be stopped." Sure enough, before I finished saying it I saw the lights and heard the siren.

I immediately pulled into the angle in parking and the deputy pulled into the space on my right. He came around my car and asked for my license. I handed it to him but could not see his face because I was driving a small '73 Honda Civic and he was over 6'. I asked what the problem was since I knew I wasn't speeding. He said he was just checking who was on the road, and asked where we were going? I informed him we were going to the play in the campus theater. He wished us a good evening and handed my license back. My date asked, "What was that all about?" I didn't have an answer.

Shortly before intermission there was a terrible pun in the script. It got quite a few groans, but I burst out laughing. My date looked at me and said, "It wasn't that funny." I replied, "That's not what I was laughing at. I'll explain at intermission."

A few minutes later I told her I was laughing because I had figured out why we had been pulled over. It had taken a while but I had finally recognized the Deputy's voice. He was the same one who had pulled me over four times before, and the reason he stopped us was that I was diving so slow he thought someone might have stolen my car.

That may sound far fetched, but the same Deputy taught a Monday afternoon Civics class at the local junior high. My sister was in his class; the first time he called roll he asked if she was related to me (McCalip is not a common last name? I asked her on Sunday to ask him if anything interesting had happened over the weekend? Monday evening she told me that she didn't even get the chance to ask. He told her he had pulled me over because I was going so slow he thought someone had stolen my car.

It was, all in all, a rather absurd evening.

mcgeo52 Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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@mcgeo52

It's priceless the deputy thought someone had stolen your car!

4

I met a guy at my favorite Italian restaurant years ago, but it still makes me laugh. We happened to arrive at the same time and parked next to me. He took a look at my car and exclaimed β€œI’m really offended by your bumper sticker!” to which I replied β€œWhich one?” β€œEve was framed!” The night went down hill after that.

orange_girl Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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4

Oh man. I was so sure I was in love with this girl I met in an online roleplaying chat when I was like 10.

It was really a modern fairytale kind of story. In a sense we grew up together, "dated" on and off, and stayed really close, though we never met. I have a breakup around 18, and chat girl calls me and we do what we always did, talk for hours.

I was so sure that my future lay down a road with her. We were so compatible in every way and knew everything, I mean everything, about each other.

So I said fuck it. Spent what little money I had on a plane ticket and a hotel room. Hellooo Wisconsin.

It. was. bad. I wore grey sweatpants one day (for dat imprint amirite), it was cold AF and we were having a super casual day. She got so offended I didn't wear jeans to the point that it was just absurd. I was like, holy shit, I will walk into this store and buy some fucking jeans.

It was just constant little shit like that. She didn't like this restaurant (I'm picking in your hometown and you didn't tell me where to goooo), she'd stop to talk to people in this little ass town while we were walking, and like forget I existed. I would just like wander for 30 minutes in this busted ass mall or something.

Turns out we didn't really really like the same stuff, she was just good at bullshitting. I tried, but I've never felt so clueless. When I left I wasn't even mad. Didn't break my spirit on love or anything, I just wrote her off as good memories. We were just totally not compatible in the real world.

She still calls sometimes, once every year or so. I can wish her nothing but the most happiness. But goddamn I want that plane ticket money back.

Xuande Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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4

In my early twenties a friend of mine set me up on a blind date with his ex. He was a very good looking guy, a little off of center due to some glue sniffing in his youth, but a nice man. I was pretty sure his ex was at least going to be pretty given how handsome he was. so why not? I went to her house to pick her up. It was a late date as we were going to listen to a band. She opened the door and she was spectacular! She was friendly, had a great smile, and there wasn't the slightest bit of awkwardness between us. She fixed us each a drink, we talked for a little while, and left for the club. At the club, conversation was easy. She would hold my hand or rest her hand on my knee. I wasn't thinking, "ALRIGHT! I'M GETTING LAID"! Even at that age I never took anything for granted when it came to women and sex. After we left the club we decided to go eat. There was a restaurant in South Austin serving late, so there we went. I hadn't made a move on her all night. Not my style. We were eating and talking, when all of a sudden,out of nowhere, she yells, and l do mean yells, '' IF YOU THINK WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT, YOU ARE WRONG"! Needless to say, the restaurant went silent. Fortunately, the majority of the people were behind me so I couldn't see them. She tried to pay her part of the check. I wouldn't allow that. I really wanted to remember what a total disaster this was, and to never do this again. That ladies and gentlemen was my first and last blind date.

Sticks48 Level 8 Feb 8, 2019
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4

A date with a service guy. I was just 18 and it was a blind date with another couple (the other girl was my friend). They took us to the drive-in and it was some Texas cheerleader porn. My first clue it was porn was the lead in. Starts off with a close up of two giant bare boobs bouncing to the intro music, that filled the 40'x100' screen. I never laughed so hard in my life. It went downhill from there.

When I wouldn't even let him feel me up he got mad and left the car for a while. When he came back he wanted to leave. They took us home. Asshat.

mzbehavin Level 7 Feb 7, 2019
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3

That sounds terrible. My stories don't compare.

Stephanie99 Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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3

Too many men just looking for a hookup. It’s lazy and selfish.

MissKathleen Level 9 Feb 8, 2019
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3

The one where I ended up seeing the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time in 1978.

Mortal Level 8 Feb 8, 2019
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2

When I took my wife-to-be on our first date we went to a concert and arrived early. A month early. That might have been the same occasion that I noted a single of a pair of rubber overshoes lying on the parking lot commenting about the poor guy who lost it. Only to find one of mine was missing when I got home. We married two years later. She was likely desperate? Lol Have not dated much in recent times so have no current stories. I’d probably show up early!

ToolGuy Level 6 Feb 10, 2019
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2

I must say, you lead an "adventurous" life. smile009.gif

bigpawbullets Level 8 Feb 8, 2019
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2

Met a very cool, funny, gal, albeit a born again Kristian. We drove up on the Blueridge Parkway and dropped blotter (35 years ago) started to have a toke just then a fed cop drove up and gave us (only!) a warning ticket. We got off the Parkway and hid down a side road scared shitless..... dodged a giant bullet. Never saw her again.

Lop-Eared-Mule Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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2

I think, when she stated up front that we were getting separate checks, I knew that she wasn't interested in me. As if she thought that I was the kind who believed paying for a meal would entitle me to something afterward. Maybe she thinks all men believe that? But anyway, I got to hear about her previous dates, as I recall, and that was nice, and she quizzed me about why I still wore a college ring at my age (why not? it's my Master's degree, the only ring I ever got myself) and I got to watch her drink, she went outside for a cigarette a couple times during dinner... and then we parted with a hearty "I'll call".... knowing neither of us would call. And guess what? We never did.

Paul4747 Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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2

September 8 1976. It’s the only one I’ve had.

indirect76 Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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2

So, from "very liberal" to just "liberal"... smile002.gif

Paul4747 Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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@Paul4747

Only on Match.com.

@LiterateHiker Gotcha. Yeah, it's a jungle in there.

2

I am 47 years old, and I've never been on a 'date'. Never. Not once.
Seems weird when I put it down in black and white.

MrBeelzeebubbles Level 7 Feb 8, 2019
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That's because it is! smile001.gif

Not weird, just clearly not a priority

@UUNJ you're right. I've done date type stuff, obviously, but only after the sleeping together and getting on well bit was out of the way. Does it count as a date of you've already shagged?

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