Agnostic.com

28 2

True or false. Being a stepfather is a sure fire ticket to a divorce.

View Results
LILRICO37 4 Mar 9

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

28 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

9

The marriage is what can lead to divorce.
Kids or no kids has nothing to do with it.
It's the two people who are married.

@LILRICO37 Bullshit. That is nothing but an excuse for failure.
If the spouses didn't discuss all the possibilities, the boundaries, the expectations, and the plan going forward, that's on them.

All that stuff should have been worked out BEFORE any marriage.
It takes two people to make a marriage work.
Especially if there are already children in the mix.
The scale isn't "weighted" against anyone.

@LILRICO37 "The scale is weighted against in incoming stepparent."..

Compared to what? Have you raised your own kid and have something to compare by?
My point is.. parenting itself can be such a shitshow of pain and happiness and confusion and scariness that you likely might be confusing being a step parent with just BEING A PARENT..

@hippydog Best summary EVER.

@LILRICO37 If there's anything that's often needlessly built into a blended family it is discipline problems. Kids learn how to play both sets of parents and elude accountability as they move between households UNLESS both of the biological parents understand that their children come first and that they are co-parents, not rivals, AND if they learn to put their differences aside and communicate and coordinate and be on the same page for the good of the children. Sadly, this seldom happens, and it breaks down if even ONE of the parents doesn't understand this. That makes it hard for the step-parent, sure, but it's nothing inherent in step-parenting itself.

@mordant Nailed it.

7

It's fairly simple. Kids love those who love them. If they sense you don't like them, let alone love them, they'll be right little axxholes. But, you're the adult, your fault not theirs.

7

My "step" son is my "real" son just like his siblings and I'm his father. I'm divorced now and we are and will remain close. He doesn't talk to his mother, which is not my doing, I've even tried to encourage him doing so but got nixed.

7

WTF kind of asinine question is this?

"WTF kind of asinine question is this?" Obviously, from someone who had a bad experience with a stepchild and its mother. I would just dismember and bury them both in the backyard...I would not complain about it on a forum. πŸ™‚

@dahermit I can respect that.
?

@LILRICO37 no, but it beats asking whiney, oversimplified questions.

@LILRICO37 You oversimplify and assume often, don't you?

@LILRICO37 I have enjoyed all of it. Thank you.

I hope you stick around and get to know our members better. I will give you credit for mature responses to criticism despite a rough start. Improve your posts, you can do better.

? <the smiley denotes friendly overtones

7

It’s an over generalization.
I know families where the step father became the more active father and the kids love and appreciate him.

6

I would think it has more to do with a lack of communication or understanding of parental roles or boundaries being established within the relationship.

Oh horse shit. The world is FULL of unreasonable women and their demon spawn. It has nothing to do with one being reasonable and trying to communicate. With most, it is like talking to a brick wall. If you believe otherwise, you may be one of those who believe in "Prince Charming" showing up on a horse to save some woman from herself.

@dahermit There are both male and female unreasonable parents. Demon children can happen despite the best parenting practices. As @KKGator pointed out to @LILRICO37, these aspects should be discussed and agreed upon before cohabitating.

@EllenDale There you go again...suggesting that the majority of people are somehow reasonable (basically logical), rather than emotional driven. Before cohabitation, they will be on their best behavior. After the novelty wears off, their true nature becomes evident and the trouble starts.

@dahermit True, but what's with the again?

5

My mom and stepfather have been happily married 46+ years. I call him dad because he's been a great dad to me and my siblings.

5

I had three children before I married my late husband. He was a wonderful step-father to all three of them, and none of them had any animosity towards him. To this day (he died in 2013), my children get along great with his children.

So, for me, this statement does not prove true.

4

Sorry, I could not even listen to the entire video... His entire premise goes against what I know... I had a stepfather join our family almost 50 years ago (they are about to celebrate that golden anniversary), and he wasn't merely my mother's new husband, he became my other father. When I was married, I had a father on each arm walking me down that aisle towards the man I was to marry. I went to him for comfort when my biological father died. He has been an integral part of my life for, well, MOST of my life, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I call him "Dad" with love and respect, and if anything, Glenn-Dad was more involved in my life than Dick-dad. My brothers, sister, mother, and myself would've lived a life poorer without him being a part of our family. He was a strong man to take on not only a young divorce', but her teenaged children. What a brave soul, and what a good man!

4

People make step-parenting work, not titles. When two dysfunctional people with children marry, it isnt pretty. BOTH parties need to work together to successfully raise children.

@LILRICO37 someone who tells the other adult in the home to not discipline children is dysfunctional, and, really now, Rico, you picked her. That's two. My observation. Obviously., corporal punishment is out.

4

I agree with @KKGator s statement..
. for anyone who has their own kids and is male.. that love of a child (scientifically) comes from bonding.. we DONT get that hormone , in our body , induced connection.. we build it by simply BEING THERE.
Its easier (i would think) for a male to bond with a baby.. that would make sense.. but i also believe that bond can happen at any age (seen it enough times to think of it as fact)

Anyone can bond with anyone else, child or adult, if they want to.
It takes effort, and it takes patience. Sometimes it takes a long damned time.
Trust must be built, and it must be maintained.

Children want to be loved. Period.
Even if they don't understand adult bullshit, they can feel when something is false.
No adult can just demand their respect, or their trust, or their love.
They all must be earned. No adult has a "right" to those things from
anyone, especially a child.

If any man or woman takes on the role of stepparent, they should have started working on that relationship LONG before any wedding takes place.

4

At 2 minutes.. this guy is fucked.. narcissistic.. and doesnt understand humanity in the slightest.

4

My grown children absolutely loved their stepdad and he loved them. They grieved his passing more than the passing of their biological father. Being a stepparent can be a mine field but it is workable.

@LILRICO37 for what it’s worth, my relationship with his grown children was difficult. They were and still are, very self absorbed people, but it didn’t affect our marriage. But I know that not all second marriages that involve children from previous relationships are smooth.

3

Much depends, of course, on how you (and your spouse) see your role as stepparent, but this guy lost me when he started using the term "cuck" and casting it in some fancied Darwinian terms.

I love my stepson like my own and have never had any regrets over my role in his life. Indeed, he's been a "handy spare" because when my biological son died suddenly, my stepson said, it's okay, you'll always have me. And I'm glad for that. He's a terrific young man with impeccable integrity, great intellect, good work ethic, and I have the luxury that since I came into his life at age 16, he doesn't feel obliged to be reactive against me because of some mixed-up need to differentiate from me. He's basically always been his own man ever since I've known him.

So I guess so much for the notion that I got the short end of the stick, or got it up my ass, like this guy claims.

3

I had two different stepfathers. We got the first one when I was five years old, my brother was seven and my sister was ten. He was loving, caring and a real father to us. Unfortunately, he got cancer and died two years later. We got the second one when I was eleven years old. He was the worst excuse for a human being and treated us extremely badly. Unfortunately, he lived into his late seventies. So here is the thing...it depends on YOU. Children are usually very happy to accept any father, especially if their birth father is absent from their lives. So what matters is what YOU do. If you’re an SOB, don’t be a FATHER, period, because there are already enough fucked up people in the world. If you are able to love, care for and raise with respect ANY child, whether they have your DNA or not, please DO.

@LILRICO37 if the mom is not letting you be involved ... your JUST THE BOYFRIEND , not the stepdad..
Thats a problem with your relationship, nothing to do with being a dad.

@LILRICO37 Answer: see a professional. BOTH of you.

@LILRICO37 Not for nothin', but it could be your "approach". Could be mom doesn't want anyone else disciplining her child, which puts it on her.
It could be a whole bunch of things.
You haven't supplied much in the way of details (which is fine), but you don't get to make overly-general statements based on solely your own experience.
Your situation is just as individual to you as everyone else's is individual to them.

3

It depends on the attitude you walk into the relationship with and how old the kids are. If you don't communicate about boundaries with the biological parent and how you are to interact with the kids, then the relationship was going to fail anyway.

2

This guy and anyone who thinks that way is pre-programmed to be a failure. I think stepping up and being a good parent to someone else's kid is one of the most respectable things you could ever do. No, it won't be easy, but being a parent never is.

2

My three stepchildren were great. I really enjoyed the time I spent with them. Their father, otoh, turned out to be a liar. In my experience, marriage is a first class ticket to divorce court.

2

It's clearly not.

1

No, not at all. My step dad was my savor, he was a great man who taught me so much.

1

MRA right wing bullshit. I strongly regret watching this garbage.

1

"Some other guy's kid" tips you off right there. If a man walks into a family situation with that attitude, it's obvious that there will be nothing that the child can do that will satisfy such a step-father. Step-dad has already slapped a problematic label on the kid. Any adult who enters into a marital commitment without establishing rights, rules, boundaries, and concessions, kids or no kids, is courting failure.

Deb57 Level 8 Mar 10, 2019
1

Learn how to be a parent. Take classes. Go to counseling.

AND NEVER ATTEMPT TO REPLACE THE LOST PARENT!

Jacar Level 8 Mar 9, 2019
1

of course not. how can it SURELY be that when every stepparent and stepchild is different and comes from different circumstances? it is SURELY case by case.

g

1

Depends on you raising that child as if they were your own??

I mean, I understand there's only so much a step parent can do for the child, (mind you, I had two very different step parents growing up) and the biological Mother or Father has the final say. However, it will never work out if you do not see yourself as a parent to them. AND I'll add this: If the biological parent is too lazy and doesn't discipline the child accordingly and ends up raising a shit human being, that's totally on them! That often leads to divorce, because who wants to be with a shit person raising an even shittier person? BUT that kind of behavior can be observed before hand if you are still in the dating stage.

So, it really depends on the specific situation. And the warning signs and red flags are always visible if you really observe. So, are they a child to you? Or is being a step parent too much? This poll will only tell you other people's experiences and why it is successful for them, or why they didn't want anything to do with it.

And if you're only looking for answers that match yours, you might as well be on a mountain top. Because you'll only be hearing your echoes

@LILRICO37 If I appeared as harsh, I do apologize. My step mother was not at all interested in being our step mother the second she and my father got back from the honeymoon. She pulled a lot of shit when he wasn't home. Step parents can be amazing, but if any step parent deserved to be kicked to the curb as well as in the teeth, it was definitely her. But from what I hear from my dad, she is a very good mother to their own children.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:307132
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.