I liked the response in the article:

"The job of reconciling your wife’s feminism with her sexual submission belongs to your wife, if she hasn’t done so already or is even interested in doing so at all (she could also be content to be complicated).
Your job is to believe her.
One of feminism’s defining features is the belief that women have the right to choose what to do with their bodies and lives. Just as she has adopted a certain daytime ethos and its attendant behaviors, she chooses a bedroom one, as well. "

After 18 years, he's making excuses.
He isn't "skeptical" and he knows she isn't trying to "trick" him.
Sounds like she was pretty up front with him, and made a real effort to
communicate what she wants.
He just doesn't want to change anything.

He is completely satisfied with their sex life, and has no interest in
making any changes. So, instead of being flexible and working with
his wife to try new things, he's making her out to be the "bad guy".
He's also throwing her feminism into the mix as yet another justification for not being willing to try anything new to please her.

If he doesn't get on board and start being open to his wife's wishes, and
at least make an effort, it's quite likely that he's going to find himself without a wife.
When (many) women aren't having their needs met, they're just like men,
they WILL go look for that satisfaction elsewhere.
As they should.

It's also entirely possible that he's already cheating on her, and wants to use this as an "out".
I've seen that happen more than once.

Not everyone wants be in charge, especially not all the time. And handing the controls over, at the end of the day, to someone you trust, is a great feeling. Not all of us even have that opportunity.

Thats not a man thing, and its not a woman thing. It just is. She can't "force" her husband to do what doesn't feel right. But he's mistaken, to tie this to her feminism.

A woman in power and with a lot of responsibility often wants to let it go in the bedroom...no decisions, no thinking, no consequences...yeah...I see it easily..let someone else take control for a change...

I don't mind being dominated in bed.. every now-and-then. Jus' say'n.

Sex is joyless and dirty and should only be engaged in grudgingly as a responsibility of marriage. Trying to make it "fun" and "exciting" is sinful and wicked.and your genitals will rot and fall off.

And don't touch yourself either. That makes the baby Jesus cry.

I see no conflict with being submissive in bed and being a feminist. Like, at all. Feminism isn't about women being dominant all the time.

i don't see being sexually submissive (or not) as an ethos. it doesn't conflict with feminism, which is humanism that includes female humans. how people like their sex is not a reflection of whether or not they think they should receive equal pay for equal work, or not be condescended to, or not be raped, or be able to fly airplanes or build bridges without getting, at best, "oh isn't she special!" our fantasies are formed long before we think of such things. it's not an ethos; it's what turns us on. i say "us" meaning women; not that it's anyone's business, but i like equal exchange in the bedroom, myself, not to be submissive OR dominant. that is in no way a judgment of other people's sexual tastes, and taste is what it is: not ethos.

g

I read this on slate and thought "Is this guy for real?" After 18 years he is worried his wife is somehow tricking him? Feminism and enjoying be dominated or being sexually submissive are two different things. Feminism is about way more than sex. The guys an idiot.

Well... it so happens I know this guy (who is totally not me, right? we're totally not talking about me) who just started a relationship with someone who is actually kind of shy and passive everywhere except in the bedroom... and it turns out that there, she has always had fantasies about being dominant. And this works out, because this guy (who, I reiterate, is totally NOT me) is in a career where people play dominance type games all day long psychologically, and it's a huge relief to "totally not me" to be able to just give that up and let someone else be in charge for once. And it is also helpful that she's super sensual and sexy. (So he says.)

So it's not surprising that a woman like that would enjoy letting someone else take control sometimes, and find it arousing. It has nothing to do with gender.

I think dr. Ruth said it best, "there is no such thing as perversion. The only real perversion is celebacy

I'm strong-willed and independent, but I want my partner to be dominant in bed on occasion. There's no conflict here at all.

Personally I think that it's play time in the bedroom, kitchen, restaurant etc.
What happens between two adults is between them, the journey is finding out what each other likes and what each other is confortable with - that's when the rubber meets the road.
If what you want isn't what your partner wants - do you have the right partner?

Sexually we can be complex beings, there is no contradiction in having a submissive side and also an assertive one. Sometimes we may wish to be dominated sexually and at other times to take the lead and dominate. A lot may depend on mood, hormonal balance and of course our partner, because sex is not a solitary activity.

exactly the same thing I was going to say. people get off on experiencing the things they are not. see it all the time. pretty standard stuff.

It's often the strongest women and men, that wish to be dominated. It enables them to not have to think about being powerful for whatever delicious period of time ... just be "done" to !

Is wanting to be submissive in bed some kind of a paradox?
What if the submissive one was actually the one running the show and the dominant one was only there to serve?

I agree with your post. Some people have a kinky side to express another part of them selves.

Yup what your partner wants is what they should get

Yes this quite common,,great stress relief plus givng up control can be so quieting to the body,,tensions all gone,,not your responsibility any more,,Great when partneers can play like this,does spice up the sex life plus still allows both partys to enjoy there other part of life better also, I know many couples who do this and are extremely happy and some times they take turns,,if it makes you both Happy go for it

Me I like it when a woman gives or takes control.

There are powerful men who do the same.

Wish you lived in Central Florida!

I'd prefer to share "on top" time.