They will probably bury you 12 feet under, who knows, maybe deep down you are a better person.

Classic.

"The man is an earlobe. I'd call him an asshole but an asshole at least serves a function"

"You look good with your glasses off."
"You look good with them off too."

When called something unsavory by someone, I'll usually say, "I've been called worse by better people than you."

A persistent accounts receivable clerk was trying to explain, in great detail, why my company owed his company money, when clearly we did not. My tactfulness being stretched to the limit, I finally said, "That is quite a piece of reasoning, sir. I am genuinely impressed. You must be an absolute contortionist, if you're able to dial a telephone with your thumb up your ass".

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

You don't know if you're winding your ass or scratching your watch!

Wow this is surprisingly hard. There are so many I like using: knucklehead, dumbass, putz, idiot, moron, anything that can be combined with fuck. As I'm writing this I also realize how often I swear as a sign of endearment. In fact it's very hard for me not to swear about every other time I open my mouth.

A classic my father got from his service in the army in WW2:

"I wouldn't piss in his ass if his guts were on fire."

'You're so dense, light bends toward you.'

I also like 'doorknob,' 'moron,' 'dunderhead,' and 'fuckwit.'

My favorite is "eat a dick" or "you sack of moldy unwanted foreskin"

Haven’t used it but heard it said to a colleague. “ You think you’re more important than you’ll ever be”

I have the opposite problem: I sometimes come off as insulting when I don't mean to. Because people are insecure and over-sensitive. "I don't know how I could explain this any differently." "I've been over this two times already..." "Which part is confusing to you?"--stuff like that.

I have never wanted to insult anyone, on purpose or otherwise. I'm not built that way.

I know you're sorry. Now, apologize.

(Also: I approve of this thread).

When I was in my twenties, with few career-minded jobs in Keene, NH, I ended up working as a clerical worker for the home office of an insurance company. The other women in the Marketing Department were all in their retirement years. They were bored and liked to gossip about anyone or anything. I couldn't stand it one day and wanted to scream, however something came out of my mouth that surprised me. "My the cats have their claws out today." All I heard was silence. Left the job for working on my Graduate Degree in Special Education and teaching special needs kids.

My favourite insult is said solte voice, because you might nuke me....wait for it "You're an Amercan aren't you" Say this to someone up here in Teesdale Engaland and you're likely to get thrown out of the pub. Only joking we love you really. By the way my local pub is older than your country. LOL

If I wanted to die, I’d clime to your ego and jump to your IQ

fuckstick, fuck bucket, shit biscuit.

Tedious shitbag..
(.stolen from a Brit)

Supervising my concrete guys,I have often told them they look like two monkeys fuckn a football!

yo mama so fat, when she wears a red dress, all the boys in the band yell "Koolaid! Oh Yeah"

I like to use "flat earther" as an insult while driving. For example, somebody driving at 30 in a 40mph zone. "Sorry I'm late, got stuck behind a flat earther"

Having lived in Italy foe many years ... I found the Tuscans to be masters of the insult . They tend to start with your grandmothers dog and work up through your whole family .... I can't do it but it's awesome to listen to.