Have you ever done something against your will or better judgement because someone asked you to? Something dangerous or embarrassing simply because they wanted you to? How'd it work out for you?
This is an painful question for people like me who are adult children of alcoholics. I became the Family Hero: responsible, achiever, independent, leader, organized. A people pleaser. Inside I felt painfully insecure and inferior.
"I got a master degree to prove to my dead father that I'm smart," I joked in my 30's. Humor, the great deflector.
"I am a recovering perfectionist," I say. Still have pockets of perfectionism, like sewing. I learned to say no. At last I say "Ouch" when somone says something hurtful. Sometimes I take on too much because I didn't say no.
Now I say clearly what I want and need. Set clear boundaries. I am green and growing.
Yes. I am a recovering doormat.
@goldenvalleyguy i took their likes to be their way of saying they relate.
@goldenvalleyguy working on it
My entire life, but i have recently taken a big step in a better direction and i am proud of me!
I used to be a people pleaser. I'm trying not to be. It's hard. I hate it.
@Katastrophe1969 Thanks.
I was married to a narcissist sociopath. He often manipulated me into violating my boundaries and sacrificing my well-being for his benefit. It was a lot of years of misery.
@lacrossa1228 yep. I came to believe that I was ok with knowing I would never have anything I wanted as long as I was with him, that I was ok with living my life to make him happy. In hindsight, it took a lot of years of him telling me that’s what I should want and that if I didn’t, that I “didn’t really love him” for me to be convinced of those things.
Yes, I let my son move back in with me more times than I should have. Each time he destroyed my house, never worked and treated me like shit. Never again.
Story of my freakin' life. It is FINALLY changing. Better late than never.
No. I'm strong-willed. If I did anything dangerous or embarrassing, it's because I was doing what I wanted to do.
Now, have I ever asked anyone to do anything against their will and at least potentially embarrassing and at least little dangerous? Then, yes. Since I tend to be strong-willed and dominant, I have ways of making my lovers do what I ask. With the appropriate reward for having done so of course.
I was a people pleaser in my younger years. Not so much now that I'm wiser and more understanding of myself, more self respect. I love to please others now only if it pleases me too.
I've done a lot of things to please my wife and others that I love. But I have not done anything that was against my will or better judgement. Nothing embarrassing or dangerous. To thine own self be true comes to mind. There is a line that must be drawn, and I'm not afraid to tell others that there is a line I won't cross.
I generally will not do anything against my will. I'm able to say "no" quite effectively.
I've done, and do, things to 'please' others, but only because I WANT to.
When I was younger, I did all manner of stupid, dangerous, and embarrassing, things.
Mostly because I was young, immature, stupid, drunk, or high. Or desperately trying to
get into some guy's pants, and thought it would help.
I managed to survive all of it, so, I'd say it worked out okay.
I still do but what they will never understand is that it pleases me too.
in this case no it isn't. I hate macho bullshit. a lot of people walk through a door I've kept open because they think I'm supposed too and below them. more people don't but it doesn't stop me. I don't want to be like them.
I only agreed to date my ex if he promised to NEVER ask me to marry him, and he promised. But two years later he proposed anyway, and because, by then, he was considered a dear friend, I couldn't hurt his feelings and turn him down.
I was furious though and yelled at him, reminding him of his promise, but he just said he'd changed his mind. So I married him, and sure enough, he was a total jerk. But that's mostly because I lacked female boundaries-missing the outrage needed to keep him in line.
A real female would have let him know what was acceptable behavior, then tossed him out the door if he tried to pull something shady. Instead, male-like, I kept finding excuses to do nothing, out of sheer laziness.
Just got done commenting to a post on Bi-polar day. My ex was forced to leave nine years ago but I did things back then to please him which affect me now. Financially with him it was feast or famine in the construction/drywall business. I had a sales career and we shared bills, lived in my house which he considered his. He had me refinance my mortgage at least twice during the 10 years of the relationship. This put me being under in my mortgage. I should have paid my mortgage up to now. I have had my daughter's unofficial (5 years) inlaws move in with me to help me afford to live in my house. My daughter and bf also moved back in so if I want to travel or relcate I have the option.
Until I was 16, that seenmed to be how I was living my entire life. Habing been raised Mormon, they told me what I was supposed to want and laid otu plans for me to follow, and promised me happiness if I did what they said. My parents fell for that, along with three of my five siblings, but two ofmy siblings and I didn't.
The problem was tht hvign been told what to want for virtually all of my childhood life, it took me several years to "recover" and figure out what it was that I myself actually wanted, so I coudl live my life for myself, insted of my parents or their religion.