Agnostic.com

53 15

Have you ever felt suicidal?

I want to live far more than I want to die and the few times in my life where I have reached the feeling of wanting to end it all, I've known that it's a temporary condition. I dealt with the pain, and it's gone away. It always eventually works its way back to normalcy. I'm in that slump right now. I feel like everything is about to implode and I'm battling to get back to normal. Do you ever feel this way?

PS. Before anyone panics, I'm never going to commit suicide. Life is short enough as it is to take my own life

paul1967 8 Apr 3

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

53 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

When I was young and my stepfather would beat the shit out of me.

14

After losing so much including a marriage, my social network and close friends, my livelihood followed by homelessness (had to move in with my sister), plus a stress-related illness, all due to becoming a nonbeliever, I did lose the will to live for a while. I felt so betrayed it was hard to shake. Death seemed dear. But I knew I could not do that to my daughter who had already lost her father to suicide.

Paul, I'm so sorry you're having a diffiult time right now. If you need a friend, I'm here for you.

Those are the kindest words I've been offered all day. Just having you say that lifts me up and I can't thank you enough for your offer. You have a gift of kindness every post you make.

@paul1967 Well, maybe not every post, lol, but I'm happy you are feeling a bit lifted. Thank you for your kind words. *hug*

11

I gonna do it. I have a lot of pain & a brain tumor. When I start to go blind will be the time. The tumor will kill me soon after. So, I figure I'd just help it along. Some people don't understand, but it's not their business. I'm ok with it. My life's been alright. I've been ready to go for a while and it's ok.

Emme Level 7 Apr 3, 2018

I'm so sorry...

I am deeply sorry. Everyone has a right to end their life the way they want. I hope it is peaceful for you.

You're right, it's nobodies business, and it's your decision. I'm going blind too but not from a tumor. I have to use a tool called Windows magnifier just to read and write on my computer. In less than five years I'll be legally blind, and in less than ten years I'll be without sight. That day will be incredibly painful for me because I live for the sunrise, it's my favorite time of the day. The anguish will be all the days leading up to that day, as every day it gets a little harder to see the morning sunrise. I'll have to settle for living for the sounds and smell of the morning. I think I'll push through my blind years though and wait for some other reason to end my days.

@BucketlistBob It's absolutely OK. I raised great kids. I have an awesome ex-husband. I have a fantastic lover. I have my furbabies, AND friends. I'm not the type to stick around clinging onto life being a burden to those I love. Thank you for the kind sentiment❣

@paul1967 I'm sad with you. Living with the sounds and smells of morning is beautiful and doable.

@BucketlistBob thank you for the kind words. I'll be alright.?

I admire your courage and your honesty. I am glad you have chosen to spend some of your precious time with us. Please let me know if there is any way I can help ease your suffering. What kind of music do you like? I have recorded and released many songs. If you PM me I will give you my Artist name so you can enjoy some music.

@jperlow thank you, it should go alright.

Best wishes to you on the best possible exit and all the good and colors until you can no longer bear it.
I watched my beloved FIL get chewed up in a hurry from glioblastoma.

@Qualia thank you. I'm sorry you went through that & glad you made it. Watching a loved one going through the change is NOT something easy. Dad is going through it, which prompted my decision.

@kensmile4u , thank you. This community seems very human. I need that. Laughing, a lot, helps. I'm probably THAT annoying person who's usually sunshiney & perky most of the time. When ya have nothing to lose, ya get real honest.?
Sssshhh, sometimes folks don't like it.
Feel free to PM me too.

@Emme It's a hard journey to watch. In the same year I lost my dh to stage 4 NSCLC. It pains me that they felt they had no other choice than to stick it out to the end. 💔

@idlopalev Thank YOU❣ WE will have fun, laugh lots and even get through rough times here, together❣

@Qualia , i feel where you're coming from. Those are huge changes to experience. I usually don't talk about my plans because it's an uncomfortable subject for other people. That's painful that they told you they felt they had no choice. That hurts in my chest. I'm sad with you about that.

@Emme My FIL didn't say it but my husband did admit he thought about taking them both out one night but he said "I didn't want to steal anyone's goodbyes".
So therein lies the crux, how to proceed with your right to exit in a way you're ok with loved ones. I've never seen anyone in so much intractable pain in my life as my husband. If he had asked me I would have done anything for him.

@Qualia, people don't like to think about or talk about mortality. Idk why, it's natural & inevitable. Experiencing what you did, you understand that for some of us, death is a relief. While it's difficult for those involved to let go, the one who is suffering will no longer suffer. That's comforting, even though the subject IS uncomfortable. Be well my dear?

@Emme Thank you.
I do get it. Sometimes I have to work not to relive it by the calendar of events. I too often think in terms of "If only ___ 4 years ago"...."3 years ago shit was about to hit the fan" "2 years ago were surreal", "1 year ago I was catatonic or scream crying reliving his painful trip to the end".
This thread brought me to tears.
I truly support your right to quality of life over quantity and hope that you have supportive people around you and wish you to be as pain free as possible.

Do not let anyone "splain" you.
((( hugs )))

@Qualia yes, That's a daily thing over here as well. I'm feeling more and more like I'm nearing a breakthrough as far as being a better version of me. It feels good. I went through the grief process & I'm over it. I just wanna spread some "happy" before I go.??

❤ big hug to you. i admire your courage & stamina in the face of the biggest challenge of all. may your "happy" be a long-lasting one.

@walklightly Thank you. Your kind words are much appreciated. All is well here.?

5

A touchy subject. And probably more common than The Powers That Be would care to admit. I regard it as an insurance policy. If everything truly goes to shit, then I've got Plan B sorted. But, in the absence of that, I'll keep slogging at Plan A. I have to say, though, I almost checked out in February 2017. The hardest thing? Writing that note. Yeah, The Note. I mean, what do you say? What don't you say? Seriously, the idea of going to work with that boxcutter was easy compared to writing the damned thing. Maybe my guardian angel was rostered on that day; I don't know. All I know is that I climbed out of that bath tub, burned The Note to ashes and got on with things. That doesn't mean the prospect does not lurk in the background; once you've opened that door, even just a crack, I don't think it ever goes away.

Im glad you're here.

@Emme Working on it, but thank you.

5

The first time I tried to commit suicide, I was 14. Took a bottle of pills out the medicine cabinet and downed the contents. I got sick as hell, and the "adults" present called it the stomach flu. They didn't have a clue. By the time I was 23, I'd tried 4 more times. I clearly sucked at it, and wasn't smart enough to do anything that actually worked. In the mid-80s, I learned how to be a crisis intervention counselor. Working on a crisis-hotline made me grow the hell up and gave me incredible perspective. Oh, and the years of therapy helped a little, too. It took a minute, but I realized that suicide is a permanent solution to what is usually always a temporary situation.
In my dotage, I have learned to be a lot more "zen" regarding my own life. Okay, zen is probably too generous a word. I just give zero fucks about most of the stuff which used to tie me up in knots. I quit being so bloody emotional about most things. If I can't do anything about it, I'm not going to spend much time fretting over it.

I'm that way about everything except loneliness. I can't shake that off quite the same way as I do everything else.

@paul1967 I used to get lonely AF. Once I realized that I preferred my own company to that of most people, my loneliness evaporated.

5

Yes. Those were my "dark nights of the soul". It didn't get better until I healed from the childhood and adult trauma and kept toxic people away from me and I haven't had a relapse in about 5 years now.

5

Most of my years growing up I felt like that. I had really bad depression as a young adult. My mom died when I was 18, and I had to grow up really fast. I had been a cutter since I was 11-years-old. I started cutting more and more when my mom passed away. I now live with my arms scarred up really bad. It's embarrassing most days to wear short-sleeved shirts. At work I have to, or I will be too hot with a long-sleeved shirt on. I finally put the knife down for good 4 years ago. I was in and out of psych wards since I was 19-28- years-old. My 2 year mark was on my birthday of this year in February. I never want to get that depressed again, that I need a hospital to keep me safe from my irrational actions. I used to be so bored in my younger years, I over-thought and then made myself depressed. I have a job now and I'm never bored. When I got bored, I got sad and depressed. I have a job for a lot of reasons. So I can stay out of the hospital, help out the community, show people I'm not useless in life, for spending money, to make me feel good about something in my life, and for the social skills. Before, I had all the wrong friends. People who didn't care about me and used me. Who kicked me when I was down. People who enabled me by giving me glass pieces to use on my arms. I don't know them anymore. I have come a long ways in 2 years. I smartened up too. Working is what is keeping me alive. That is why I am grateful for my job, and that is why I am good at it. I need it to keep me alive. I wake up every morning and know that I have responsibilities and I won't ever be a let down to anyone anymore. My aunt is so proud of me. I am too.

5

Just this past weekend I had a really big break down. All the pain anyone has ever caused me just was all in my head and I stayed in bed for hrs and cried. Then I slept it off then cried some more but the next day I actually felt so much relief. I bottle things inside until I break down. I was very abused by my ex and I am too embarrassed and ashamed to tell my family or even my close friends. So for the past 5 yrs I have been suffering in silence. So somedays I break down to the point of getting to those thoughts. Crying is really the only way I deal with anything. But I know for alot of people its not as simple as crying all day. I know there are so many people who deal with severe depression on a daily basis. It is so unfortunate to have to live that way. Back when I was a believer as a teenager I used to think life was hell lol and I would really sit there and tell myself I would rather be in heaven with Jesus. I am so thankful I never took that route. On my good days I tell myself I wouldn't be here if I would have taken myself on a bad day.

Your story mirrors my own, and I completely understand how you feel. I don't cry all day, but I think all day about all the negative things in my life. A father who demanded that I be a better student than I was capable of being, an ex-wife who made me feel worthless and rejected. A life that could have been and wasn't, and then the big one which is learning to be alone and be happy without anyone in my life. I've got a long way to go and such a short time to get there.

@paul1967 loneliness is something I had to learn to be ok with. It took time but its gotten me here. What I mean by that is it made me more self aware and I became an atheist in the process. I had to learn to enjoy spending time alone and really start loving myself. There were nights I would desperately want to have someone there keeping me company through my sleepless nights but I just had to get through it. Ive seen way too many people jump into relationships and they convince themselves they are happy and they post on social media to convince everyone else they are happy. But I could never just be with anyone just to not be alone cause eventually your unhappiness will get to you. Ive had lots of failed attempts when it comes to romantic relationships but I still have hope I guess lol but ever since my ex Ive being struggling with a sense of worthlessness and rejection. I always end up feeling like Im not good enough for anybody to want to stay.

@Cosmicowl_73 Something you said rang true for me. You said, "I've seen way too many people jump into relationships and they convince themselves they are happy, and they post on social media to convince everyone else they are happy." I was that person. You're talking about me. Prepare yourself because this is going to be pathetic, but I need to face it because it's true. My last girlfriend was using me for financial gains. She didn't love me or even like me all that much, but she sure had no problem asking me for money to pay for this or that. The sad truth is I knew, and it took a very long time for me to do anything about it. Talk about a feeling of worthlessness. I've never been alone, ever. This is my first attempt at it. Let's see how it goes.

5

I think to some degree it's normal to feel like ending it. When you become obsessed with it, feel useless, and begin to rationalize that it would be best for everyone; is when you desperately need to seek help.

For anyone there: [suicidepreventionlifeline.org]

JimG Level 8 Apr 3, 2018

I saw this the other day. I haven't had a need but I thought it was an interesting take on getting help.

@Bierbasstard that's a damned good idea. Hopefully nobody needs either of these resources though.

@JimG
Agreed!

4

A lot of people feel suicidal at some stage in their life and for most people there is help available with drugs, counselling, or trying to change the aspect of their life that makes them feel like this. I think it is a real tragedy when a young person ends their life as it seems such a waste and there is always the feeling that maybe something could have been done to help. But for older people, I think it is up to them to decide when they have had enough. I think we should be able to choose when we die and be enabled to do it peacefully, painlessly and with dignity. (See my ebook 'The Ladies Suicide Club'😉

I don't disagree. We should have the right to end our lives in peace and without the stress involved with the legal ramifications for your loved ones. I do, however, think people should get therapy before making such a massive step back into oblivion. I refuse to take drugs that mess with the psychological chemistry of my brain, but I wouldn't be opposed to talking to a professional.

the drugs available aren't all that great. I was on Zoloft a few years and it kills the worst of it but it's no cure and I never felt happy. I've found better relief using herbals honestly.

@CeliaVL, i fully agree with you in respects to the rights of older (or terminally ill) people to choose the moment of their own death. yet when my mother, 85 years old, took her own life, claiming an unbearable increase in physical ailments, it distressed me for the simple reason that i knew she was suffering from lifelong ptsd more than anything else - & was never openly able to communicate this. physically she was fitter at 85 than many 65 year olds.
as to treating depression with drugs: no way would i swap my occasional lows for a permanent state of numbness. i do sometimes have counseling though.

@walklightly I am sorry you are not comfortable with your mother's decision. It was her decision, though, and I am sure she didn't take it lightly.

@CeliaVL, that's right: she didn't take it lightly, which is what still pains me. if she would have communicated her decision with me - i am one of the people who would have fully accepted this. but she didn't, she was alone.

4

Absolutely, I’ve suffered with severe depression since puberty. It wasn’t until adulthood that I was treated and will probably be on medication for the rest of my days but without it I’m making plans and trying to find the least hurtful way to end my suffering. Not the least painful way, the least hurtful to others (including the paramedics dealing with my body after). I can’t bear to bring that pain to my mother or sister or friends so I do seek help when I know I can’t hold out. Unfortunately, monthly hormone spikes send me beyond what my regular meds can handle and so I do still get that heartache almost every month for up to two days. Sometimes having to put myself on suicide alert for an evening or a day. I’m a very positive and smiley person minus two days out of the month or if I don’t have meds. But I learned my lesson to be meticulous about taking those little blue pills. ? Like I told my prescribing psychiatrist, I don’t want to live at that point but I want to want to live. It’s the physical toll that severe depression has on my body that usually brings me to that dreadful place. The best way I can describe the physical pain is like having the flu (tired aching muscles) exhaustion and heartbreak at the same time for weeks on end. My body just feels too heavy to carry at some point and I just want to rest or be free from the heartache. Exercise doesn’t feel possible at that level of exhaustion but I can manage to put some music on and try to wiggle about. ? Endorphins released during the exercise has helped me get through some of the lows. Hoping you wiggle your way back to normalcy soon Paul. hugs

4

I have never felt suicidal. But I've had an experience with a person who was suicidal that haunts me. I had a next door neighbor years ago who had just lost his father to cancer and his girlfriend recently dumped him. He had been struggling with drug addiction as long as i'd known him. He dropped out of high school. He lived with his mother and she was struggling to help him. One night he was outside in their front yard and struck up a brief conversation with me as i finished my nightly run. I was surprised he even talked to me because I was roughly his mother's age. I asked him how he was handling everything and he said "I'm mad at the whole world. Don't be surprised if you find out I did something about it". I thought his words were all too cryptic and angry for me to respond constructively. I also didn't feel i was in a position to help being just a neighbor. So I said something pathetic like hang in there things will get better and I went home. The next morning as I was walking to my car I saw him hanging in their front yard tree. I had to knock on their front door to wake his mom with the terrrible news. She was utterly crushed. She moved away within a few weeks of his death. That was 20 some years ago. I carry guilt around to this day that I didn't do something better to change this outcome. It's tough when you get trapped in that cycle of woulda, shoulda, coulda. I was just a disinterested neighbor and this event created a small black hole in me. Imagine what it would do to a family member. I have the utmost repect for people who work in a job that deals with this kind of thing regularly. I couldn't do it...i hope this story serves to let everyone who reads it know how much gravity you have and how loved you are by everyone.

your feeling of guilt is perfectly understandable, but it isn't generated by real guilt. you, as a neighbour who has not been let into the know, can not be held responsible for another person's action. you aren't the authority in that scenery, but he was, & he acted this out the way he chose. i often wish for more openness in communication - just more communication.

4

Paul, I've been through several bouts of depression and even though it is part of every questionnaire, like you, I've NEVER wanted to take my own life.
It can be difficult to get the propoer diagnosis because of it but you need to find the right doctor (if you,re in the USA, I'm sorry). Unfortunately, the DSM seems to accord a lot of importance to this question and can't seem to get past its Xtian bias.
My primary recommendation would be to get outside and walk (or run). Physical activity is a proven antidepressant and walking outside (even in the rain) costs nothing.
Good luck!

EricJ Level 4 Apr 3, 2018

I appreciate your advice. I think the walking advice is something I might try. At the very least I might burn off a few calories. As far as doctors go, I wouldn't take anything other than their verbal advice. I hate pills, especially anything that messed with my psychological chemistry. I've been a witness to the damage that can do to people.

4

I've been there a few times, but I always had that feeling that things would get better. My niece attempted suicide 3 times, and we kept hoping she would get better, tried to get her help, but she finally succeeded. It's a tragedy that I wouldn't wish on any family.

4

Suicidal ideation is one of my diagnoses. It's treated at this time successfully. So yes, shit happens

I've never been diagnosed. I avoid doctors and pills. I don't know what my problem is with doctors, but anytime I see a doctor I want to crawl out of my skin and run as far away from them as I can. So I would imagine my diagnoses would include a bit of medical paranoia.

@paul1967 I am sure there is something a decent dig into yourself would be able to uncover. Mental health professionals have been keeping me somewhat sane and alive since I was 15 years old.

4

Yeah, it’s easy to get tripped up by those thoughts. I know that from ongoing personal experience. I hate to sound all cliche but I kind of think this usually holds true for me in those times "When you feel you can take no more, try giving a little". It’s not one size fits all but I’ve found it to help when depression sinks it’s claws in me.

4

I've been suicidal off and on since I was in my teens. After two/three suicide attempts I got to where I learned to deal with the feelings.

4

Many times. I do not fear death at all but welcome it. After 20+ surgeries, mostly on my feet and lower back, in pain all day, can't work, Fed's denying my SSD....I am soooooo ready for this nightmare to end. I have traveled this world many times, did so many things...I welcome the long slumber. My energy will return back to the great collective, my body to science, then to the earth, it's all good.

That is heartwrenching. I'm so sorry about your situation.

@VictoriaNotes I thank you for your kind heart but please do not let your heart wrench over me, but for those whom fear death, for they truly fear life, imo. I fear nothing, I hope for nothing, I am free. Do not feel sorry for my situation, but feel for others that are not free like me.

4

Yes... but not my thing luckly

in the same boay currently :/

3

Paul, my advice is: Go to Mexico.

Have a look here: [en.wikipedia.org]

(You need to scroll down a long way but there are two long lists and both have the USA pretty high up and Mexico much lower.)

Better yet, go to Jamaica - practically nobody thinks about suicide there.

Well, in Jamaica, the speak their dialect of English, and they can understand us. My parents grew up on the West Indies. They are poorer people, but people aren't shamed for being poor as it is more common there. It is possible to work into lower middle class through labor there without criticism since that is common.

3

I've fought with the idea recently while going through issues with my wife. It has killed me emotionally dealing with the problems we have been facing. Mostly the fact of losing her. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. I don't want them to grow up asking my wife why I gave up on them and I want to see them grow up period. I can't do that to them.

3

I get that way when I feel overwhelmed by things going on in my immediate vicinity. Work being ridiculous, relationship (trust, infidelity) issues, friends bringing their problems to the door and being tired of feeling obligated. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Tired of being sick and tired.

The only time that I seriously tried it, I was 17 and went to sleep on a set of train tracks. I woke up with the sunrise and walked back home. Another time I called a hotline and was placed in a queue and eventually fell asleep while waiting.

The things that pull me out are walking. Alot. For hours every evening. Just put the earbuds in and walk. Lifting weights gets the aggression out of my system.

Know that you are not alone. If you need to vent, feel free to reach out.

3

I've felt that way many times over the years, but usually it's temporary and more feelings of hopelessness, futility and a desire to escape the pain. Once, I did actually attempt suicide many years ago. I haven't made an attempt since then, although I still momentarily think about it fairly often. Basically, I don't want to give up the time I have left.

I understand the feelings I'm having, and I recognize that these emotions are temporary. I've never come close to attempting to killing myself but I have thought about it. I've briefly considered what it would be like and that's enough to bring me back to reality. The thought that today's sunrise would be my last sunrise. It would be the last of too many things that bring me joy. I can't give up on my life. I can only deal with the pain and move forward.

@paul1967 Death is so final, and I feel that my life and life itself is still precious. I also have enough quality of life to make it worthwhile to keep going.

3

In my teens I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents. Things were really bad. I left home in high school before I hurt myself.

3
3

I was when I lived with my parents. Once I moved out and weathered a breakdown I developed thanatophobia somewhere along the line and now completely avoid any suicidal ideation.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:49531
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.