I think he may have changed his mind at this point. I believe that after death we come to a place of pure love. That's where he is now. Energy never dies.

You can not feel guilty about being unable to keep all your promises, even to those who have died, we can have realistically no more right to expect people to change for our benefit in death than in life, and sometimes we simply can not do everything for everyone that they would like us to, that is the reality of life.

My father wanted to be cremated when he died, my mother who was herself already in a hospital dying, wanted him buried. Because she had a desire to be buried alongside him. I chose to respect his wishes however, though mother was very upset, and in some ways it would perhaps have been far better to respect the wishes of the still living, than the dead, who are after all beyond being hurt. But I was far closer to my father than my mother, time was short and many other things, including mothers illness, were pressing upon me, so with little thought I decided to go with fathers wishes. But whichever way I had gone it would have meant breaking a promise, it was a no win situation.

Lucky for you that he will never know that you didn't return to the faith. He was well meaning but it was a bit of emotional blackmail.

Sorry for your loss. Hate sounding a cliche but we do carry them on in our hearts and memories. It will get easier to live with.

Sorry for the loss of your father. I think you handled his request in a way in which you could be true to yourself while not making a difficult promise to him.

Welcome to the asylum. Enjoy your stay.

Very sorry for your loss.
I'm sure it's difficult right now.
I'd like to suggest grief counseling, whether it be a group situation, or one-on-one with
a counselor.
That may also prove problematic because believers are bound and determined to tell
people to "pray on it".

I've stopped attending funerals. Even those of close relatives.
I can't take the religious bullshit.
I also can't pretend I'm okay with it anymore.
Since I already know I'm going piss some of them off, and some of them are going
to piss me off, I just don't go.

The deceased is still deceased and I can do whatever grieving I need to do in private.
I don't need to "share" how I felt about them with anyone.

Good luck to you going forward.

Sorry been through that no words suffice

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Regardless of the place they have with us, losing a parent changes us and our lives in unexpected ways, and for a long time.

My thought is that by asking your "return to faith", your father was speaking from within the only framework he knew, wanting you to live as a loving and caring person, showing integrity and compassion.

You are obviously all of that, and then some, to show the respect and cooperation with siblings for funeral plans, and take on the care of your mother. I don't believe you could do more to honor and respect your father's wishes, and if there is a glimpse of your life for him now he will know that you have become an even more wonderful child than he could have asked, without imagined and artificial constraints on your psyche and life!

My sincerest condolences on your loss.
Sadly, the dying often make 'death-bed' requests of those around them that put unwarranted pressures on them.
But it sounds like you've copped a really hard one here.
And in my opinion, 1) your Father should not have put such a request/demand upon in the first place, it IS unreasonable, etc, imo, 2) He should have know that you are YOU and you are who you want to be despite his religious beliefs and left things at that.
When my daughter, Lorrae, was dying she made a list of 'requests' for me, thankfully she was as much an Atheist as I am, so NO religious requests were included, just those particular to her which I have finally completed after all of these years, including the most important and that to be " True to myself in everything."
It will be hard, BUT try to remain true to yourself and your Atheism/Agnosticism because THAT is who and what you are.

I’m so sorry your father has passed on. When my mother died, as an agnostic she didn’t want a religious ceremony. The “wake” was at the funeral home with just pictures, no viewing. My Southern Baptist grandmother asked her minister to address us. Two of my three sisters refused to come to Grandma’s house for the after-funeral meal in anger toward my grandmother and I, since my mother had not asked for a religious aspect. As an atheist, I didn’t have a problem with what my grandmother did. I’ve always viewed the funeral for those “left behind” as a last good-bye, so if my grandmother needed her minister to process her grief, I felt she should have it. (My grandma was the last one left after her other daughter passed at 33 y/o and her husband just six months before knowing my terminal mother only had about 6 months to live.) Having a minister there and seeing the praying by attendees did not infringe on my atheist beliefs. I merely did not ask for a minister or participate in the religious aspects. Likewise, I was not condemned for not bowing my head or singing out, “Amen!” I didn’t/don’t need commandments or teachings to understand everyone needs to grieve in their own way, and I respected that for everyone involved. I processed my grief for 6 months or so. I knew I was finished when my first thought of the day was, “I remember when...” and not tears because we could no longer communicate. One thing I did which my mother asked me not to do was invite any family member to see her at the hospital before her body was removed (last chance kind of thing and as I said, funerals are to comfort the survivors). Only my grandmother and my cousin (whom she raised when his mother died) joined me at the hospital (I was visiting when she died); my 3 sisters and brother did not.
How did I process grief? Terribly, although we knew it was coming for 15 months. I got sleeping pills for the first time and drank way too much. That lasted less than a week. A lot of crying, a lot of thinking, “what if...” but I never felt guilty about letting what family came to the hospital. BTW I personally knew my grief period was over when my mom came to me in a dream and as we hugged I thought, “She back to a strong, healthy body. Not as she was when sick.” It’s what I needed to continue my life. I hope you get your “hug.” If not, here’s one from me. I think you’ll know when you are finished grieving, anyway.

So sorry for your loss! It sounds like you were close enough prior to his passing to have had many conversations. Reflect on them and remember what pleases you about him. Celebrate what pleases you about your memories of time spent with him. There is plenty of time in the future to remember other things.

I hope you don't let his want for you to return to a life of faith sway you. Religious faith is the leading cause of stupidity, bigotry and general dangerous crap on the planet. Faith (of any kind) keeps you in the same boat.. Keeps you headed in the same direction, even if it is the wrong direction. (And it usually is!) By questioning everything... We learn! We learn as individuals, we learn as a society and we learn as a species.

Honor your father's and family's requests as they pertain to him and them... But honor yourself by finding your own answers. It is only then you will be happy. After all... I am sure that is what he REALLY wanted!

My experience with my dying father and siblings was very close to what you describe. One thing I'm glad I said was that "I am indeed prepared to die and let God--should there be a God--decide my fate." That seemed to help a little, for I think he assumed that in the face of death anyone would automatically turn to God. I did, as I suppose you did, keep my promise to reconsider the faith; but I think he had no idea of how forcefully that would reconfirm my rejection of it.
In living through my grief I wrote a song (as best I could) about how I loved him.

Dad passed in 12/1980 while only 53 the same day I got my MBA, he was a devout catholic but died unexpectedly. At the time I had not told any of my family of my lack of belief in religions or gods. However, my mom is currently close to 90, She knows as well as all my close family since 1981. My mom constantly tells me she prays for me and all that crap they believe on telling you as if it helps. I've accustomed to her constant religious sayings, but she has never told me in so many words that she prays or wishes I come back, which the rest of my family knows will never happen. Moms are annoying like that, they are always on the guilt and shaming mode, I guess that's on their nature. If she passes obviously it will be painful, tears will most likely come, yet she's already lived a long life, my family will definitely process grief the usual way and so will I, then we will all go about our normal every day business exactly as it was before.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You don't have to return to religion. As long as you try to keep your word about your mother there's nothing you have to feel guilty about.

Many of us go through what you are describing. I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing but I'm also pretty sure that he will never know if you have returned to the faith. You are doing a good job.

My siblings were thoughtful enough to ask me if I minded that a preacher do our moms funeral. I asked that he not turn it into a come to Jesus moment. One of them spoke to him because he kept it short and sweet.

What an awkward position to put you into. All you can do is take care of your mother and he will never know what transpired. Don't feel guilty about anything.

I lost my mom and dad when I was ten years old.. They were murdered by a drunk driver! I was profoundly sad for a very long time...

No. The only religious people in my family knew long ago that I was a lost cause.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I think it would be helpful to remember though that people are unable to choose what they believe. What he asked of you was no more in the realm of possibility than having asked you to start believing in Santa Claus again.

My condolences for you father departure. All I can say is already been said. Keep on your own path. My mother passed away a year and a half ago. Deeply Catholic as she was, I refrain myself of letting her know about me leaving religion. She surely would have felt it was her fault and made her unhappy.

Sorry to hear about your . I didn't have a good relationship with my so I envy anyone who did.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

I am so dreadfully sorry for your loss. Unfortunately the only way to honour your Dad is to be true you. This must be so difficult for you.

Sorry to hear your dad's passing. I wonder if you do have siblings why are you the one who will be taking care of your mum?

There's really nothing I can add that the others have not said, I am sorry for your loss, there are good suggestions here it appears you're doing well, stay the course. And my parents live in my mind.