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When will I stop thinking about him?

How is it I always remember the good?

Prairiegirlinfla 4 Apr 8
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23 comments

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5

When I was ten, my brother passed away. When I was in my teens, my stepmom was killed. In 2007, I broke up with a man I had been living with for over a decade (and thought I would live with much longer). Last year my brother-in-law was killed.

I never forget. I don’t think I will ever stop grieving either. I think it's about learning to live with the memories, the grief, and the new life that comes after without that person. By embracing all of it, I think is how we survive it.

This book has done more to help me grieve, and to know how to be around others who grieve… I recommend it strongly.
[amazon.com]

I've put that on my wish list. Thank you for sharing.

5

When you start thinking about him, make yourself remember the crap he did. I had a long term relationship that broke my heart. 6 years later I still think of him from time to time. When it was good it was really really good, but I glossed over the crap. When I think of him now I think of the money he owes me, the promises he broke, the criticisms he had for me. the lies he told from the beginning. I have wisdom for the pain now. I want to find someone with his good qualities and without the crap. But focus on the crap and it will help you move forward.

@Dispirited It makes me happy that I was able to put your thoughts into words.

This all day. I'm currently in an anger phase with my late husband. It's helpful yet at the same time it's like we have this whole other relationship in his wake.
Focusing on the negative always worked for me in the past though. I have a breaking point where I"m just sick of crap & I'm done, and that goes for all kinds of relationships.
I put up with a lot until I don't, and then it's radio silence, forever.

Oddly some of the GREATEST times of my life were after having someone not right for me leave. I think people often forget that the wrong person taking up your time is just stealing opportunity from someone else who would cherish you to a fuller extent.

5

Because your mind does that. It ended for a reason. Remember that.

4

Most likely when he is replaced by another, and that depends a lot on you but it WILL happen eventually.

3

Probably never, but the memory becomes less painful and more objective as time goes on.

When one particular "love of my life" and I parted ways, I thought constantly of all the things that made me fall in love. After a while, it turned to 'I was an idiot for staying so long.'

JimG Level 8 Apr 8, 2018
2

I'm not sure from your question if you want to or you don't want to stop thinking about him.So I'll answer you about just myself. I have been married twice and there was good times and bad times. I loved them both,I still love them both and yes I remenber the good times more then the bad. I don't have the pain anymore of the relationship not working out, so for me I like thinking about them both. But they are very much worth it. I say this a lot to people that know. I have two every great x's,but I don't want another one thank you.

2

There's a really good book, Attached, that explains these strong bonds and lingering attachments even to people we know we shouldn't want in our lives. My divorce was brutal as I finally learned that he was a full-blown narcissist. It was crushing to not be able to trust anything from our 20 years together. This book is helping me to step out of those memories emotionally, so that when they surface I can let them pass more easily.

Helga Level 4 Apr 8, 2018
2

I still think about all of them. I smile at what was good, but I still keep the reasons things didn't work out close by, both as a reminder and as a warning of what to beware of in the future.

Me too.

Even the one that cheated. We did have a lot of good times.

Same with my last relationship -- lots of reasons we aren't together. Things I've learned (mostly about me). But, it doesn't at all negate the fun and laughter we had.

2

Your memories are part of you.

2

It would probably be more helpful for you to remember the things that weren't good.
The reasons the relationship ended are more valid than the "good times".

2

It took me 9 years to forget about my last long term relationship that lasted 10 years. Takes time.

2

Well its a question of time and moving on.

1

When you realise that it is your desires, ambitions, dream partner not the person who failed to fulfill your goals that is causing the grief. Either start searching again or amend your ambition.

I love that "amend your ambition"

@Prairiegirlinfla @Prairiegirlinfla Yeah, you decide not to tolerate the crappy little things you have been putting up with. Love yourself first and know what love you need. If needs be get a cat or a dog.

1

You stop when you're ready to. And stopping means you don't stop entirely, only that thinking about him stops pulling focus. But if you try to force yourself to stop, it only makes it harder. Allow your feelings; meanwhile, take care of yourself and continue in the activities you need to do or enjoy and let go of anything that's not important. Also, surround yourself with the people on your life who understand and support you.

1

You stop when you stop. I don't think it's possible to totally forget an ex but you can grieve the loss properly and then throw yourself into a project or work or friends or any number of other things until the thoughts are not so intense and intrusive. It takes time and for each person it's a bit different. Heck with each relationship a person goes through is different so the time will be different. Is it possible it isn't him specifically but the thing between you is what you miss? Having a relationship? Is it possible that when you find something else to put your attention to, another relationship (friends or family included) or even a pet, that those feelings might also lighten up for you a bit quicker?

AmyLF Level 7 Apr 9, 2018
1

It has been 50+ years and I still think about her.

1

Your call to make.

1

First one 10 years. Second one I used to write notes in capitals and stick them next to the phone "Remember this!" etc. It helped.

1

12 years and no end in sight.

1

Possibilities abound when the person you're hung up on lives. When you child dies, it's over.

1

For me it has been when l met someone else.

0

Nothing is set in stone, but you eventually will not think of him so much.

0

To all that replied thank you soo much..I don't feel soo alone knowing you guys are around..my folks don't like talking about it and my friends get upset with me soo I just sit with my thoughts.. You have no idea how much this helped me...when I feel compelled to remember him I will keep your words in front of me to guide me thru...Pam

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