How is it I always remember the good?
When I was ten, my brother passed away. When I was in my teens, my stepmom was killed. In 2007, I broke up with a man I had been living with for over a decade (and thought I would live with much longer). Last year my brother-in-law was killed.
I never forget. I don’t think I will ever stop grieving either. I think it's about learning to live with the memories, the grief, and the new life that comes after without that person. By embracing all of it, I think is how we survive it.
This book has done more to help me grieve, and to know how to be around others who grieve… I recommend it strongly.
When you start thinking about him, make yourself remember the crap he did. I had a long term relationship that broke my heart. 6 years later I still think of him from time to time. When it was good it was really really good, but I glossed over the crap. When I think of him now I think of the money he owes me, the promises he broke, the criticisms he had for me. the lies he told from the beginning. I have wisdom for the pain now. I want to find someone with his good qualities and without the crap. But focus on the crap and it will help you move forward.
Probably never, but the memory becomes less painful and more objective as time goes on.
When one particular "love of my life" and I parted ways, I thought constantly of all the things that made me fall in love. After a while, it turned to 'I was an idiot for staying so long.'
I'm not sure from your question if you want to or you don't want to stop thinking about him.So I'll answer you about just myself. I have been married twice and there was good times and bad times. I loved them both,I still love them both and yes I remenber the good times more then the bad. I don't have the pain anymore of the relationship not working out, so for me I like thinking about them both. But they are very much worth it. I say this a lot to people that know. I have two every great x's,but I don't want another one thank you.
There's a really good book, Attached, that explains these strong bonds and lingering attachments even to people we know we shouldn't want in our lives. My divorce was brutal as I finally learned that he was a full-blown narcissist. It was crushing to not be able to trust anything from our 20 years together. This book is helping me to step out of those memories emotionally, so that when they surface I can let them pass more easily.
You stop when you're ready to. And stopping means you don't stop entirely, only that thinking about him stops pulling focus. But if you try to force yourself to stop, it only makes it harder. Allow your feelings; meanwhile, take care of yourself and continue in the activities you need to do or enjoy and let go of anything that's not important. Also, surround yourself with the people on your life who understand and support you.
You stop when you stop. I don't think it's possible to totally forget an ex but you can grieve the loss properly and then throw yourself into a project or work or friends or any number of other things until the thoughts are not so intense and intrusive. It takes time and for each person it's a bit different. Heck with each relationship a person goes through is different so the time will be different. Is it possible it isn't him specifically but the thing between you is what you miss? Having a relationship? Is it possible that when you find something else to put your attention to, another relationship (friends or family included) or even a pet, that those feelings might also lighten up for you a bit quicker?
To all that replied thank you soo much..I don't feel soo alone knowing you guys are around..my folks don't like talking about it and my friends get upset with me soo I just sit with my thoughts.. You have no idea how much this helped me...when I feel compelled to remember him I will keep your words in front of me to guide me thru...Pam