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Weirdest Passages You've Read?

So, this morning I decided to read some bible passages. I wrote down the weirdest, cruelest, strangest, and most morally reprehensible passages so I could use them later and ask religious people about them. But then I wondered, I mean, there are a ton of passages I have yet to read, and I want to know what the weirdest stuff in the bible is. So, I guess what I am asking is; What's the weirdest/cruelest/most wtf bible passage you've ever read?

Khataphract 5 Sep 7
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Psalm 137:9

New Living Translation
Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks!

Numbers 22: 28 Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

29 Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.”

30 The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?”

I've talked to a lot of asses and smartasses, but no donkeys.

0

The Bible has the worst legal advice ever.
If a man files a lawsuit against you for your shirt give them your cloak as well.
I tried to live by it during my divorce and lost everything.
Epic bad legal advice.

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I am going to be honest. I was not expecting so many responses!
So I am going to share the ones that got me the most.

  1. Ecclesiastes 1:2
    "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
    Says the Teacher.
    "Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless."
    This one surprised me, just the sheer pessimism and nihilism behind it. I found several quotes and passages like this in Ecclesiastes.

  2. Isaiah 45:7
    "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I, the Lord, do all these things."
    God straight up admits to being the creator of all bad things? I thought Christains always said Satan was the creator of all bad things. But this passage literally has God taking all the credit!

  3. "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even their own life - such a person cannot be my disciple."
    This came straight from the J man's mouth. I was raised in catholic schools. I was told that Jesus preached love and acceptance. But this? This is the exact opposite! He is straight up saying he won't take anyone unless they're a salty ass bitch!

  4. Matthew 10:34
    "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."
    Again from Jesus, holy shit! He straight up looking for a war here! This seems opposite of what I was told about this 'holy' figure.

  5. 1 Kings 22:19-22
    19 Micaiah continued, “Therefore hear the word of the LORD: I saw the LORD sitting on his throne with all the multitudes of heaven standing around him on his right and on his left. 20 And the LORD said, ‘Who will entice Ahab into attacking Ramoth Gilead and going to his death there?’
    “One suggested this, and another that. 21 Finally, a spirit came forward, stood before the LORD and said, ‘I will entice him.’
    22 “‘By what means?’ the LORD asked.
    “‘I will go out and be a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said.
    “‘You will succeed in enticing him,’ said the LORD. ‘Go and do it.’
    ... the fuck? This is God, sending an angel to a prophet, to deceive a man and trick/tempt him into starting a war! This is the shit we where taught that The Devil did! Not God! This is a pretty evil thing to do!

I am an atheist, and I am an atheist partially because I read parts of the bible. I could put so many more things here. But this is the stuff that REALLY got to me.
I was twelve when I started reading the bible. I wanted to deepen my faith and my connection to God. But this is the shit I found. Not going to lie, I had a crisis of faith for a good two years. But now I don't believe in this nonsense; and funnily enough, it's mainly because I read the book.

1

I didn't come across this paasage on my own but saw it listed on a website.

Ezekiel 23:20 (English Standard Version - ESV). "and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses."

The New Living Translation version is even more graphic: "She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s and emissions like those of a horse."

Those Bible Writers had a way with powerful metaphors.

0

I never saw this much bible study in a seminary

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If you're wanting weird bible passages then, imo, all you need do is start at Line 1, page 1 and work your way through the whole bible.
There are, quite literally, thousands of them to be found like, for example,

  1. God makes Adam from the dust of the Earth but needs to take a bone from Adam to make woman,
  2. God creates everything with just a mere word and yet the Believers will tell you that god does not exist in a corporeal form, therefore God could NOT utter a single word even a sound since God was without Vocal Chords, lungs, tongue, mouth, etc, etc,
  3. the Great and Mythical Jesus came upon a fig tree, Jesus was hungry but the Fig tree bore no fruit so he cursed it,
  4. Moses raised his staff and the waters of the Red Sea parted until the Hebrews had ALL crossed via the wet and very soggy sea bed, then God caused the waters to flood back in and drowned the pursuing Egyptians, horses and all, really nice, cruel, sadistic move there God imo.

men are simpler

1

When god commanded to slaughter everyone in a city men women and children, pure evil

1

I sympathise with the royal Absolem who tried to defend his sister's honor as a result of her being raped by one of her other brothers. Rape is bad. Unfortunately, he perceived the sex-slaves as non-human just like his father King David did.
It is very possible that the entire family was evil and me perceiving one character as less evil than others does not make them non-evil.

2

Here's my favorite passage from the wonderful book, "Animal Dreams" by Barbara Kingsolver. Naturally, it's about sex.

"He leaned over and I took his head in my hands and gave him the kiss I'd been thinking about for the last two hours. It lasted a good long while. He twisted his finger gently through my hair at the base of my skull and held on tight, and my breath stopped while he laid down a track of small kisses from my earlobe to my collarbone. We lay back on the grass and I rolled against him, looking down into his eyes. They were dark brown, a color with depth to it, like stained glass.

"Just being held felt unbelievably good, the long drink I'd been dying for. For a second I hugged back as tightly as I could. Something inside his buttoned shirt pocket made a crackling, cellophane sound. I raised up and poked it with my finger. "If you've got a condom in your pocket, Lloyd, this is my lucky day."

"He did. It was."

Finally! Somebody who appreciates being held!

@BitFlipper

That's me, too.

2

A lifelong skeptic, I never bothered reading the Bible.

In elementary school, I scoffed at ridiculous Bible stories. Realized the Bible is just a book of stories or fables written by men. Like Grimm's Fairy Tales.

Not at all like Grimm's Fairy Tales, they are quite a good read, even for an adult.

@Fernapple

Calling the Bible "fairy tales" is disparaging and mocking.

@LiterateHiker To Fairy Tales

1

ha ok you know most of that OT stuff is surely not meant to be taken literally?
[biblicalhistoricalcontext.com]

Sure about that?
People have died over this shit, for claiming it was allegorical or metaphorical.

Genesis 6 should be taken literally.

It is proof that the bible and salvation does not matter because modern humans do not meet the chronological minimum of life expectancy to count as what the bible calls human.

Sure, we could divide all ages by 12 but that is too simple of a solution to this problem.

@LenHazell53 well, im not sure about anything, but i found the link rather compelling
no walls of Jericho, no mass exterminations, and the authors would have known that these could be found out, too

@SanDiegoAirport proof, lol, priceless
lets just say that your standard of "proof" is not ezackly universal ok.
no one ever lived anywhere near a thousand years, surely, and i suggest--don't know, but suggest--that those ages, 969 years, etc, are meant to impart a more important spiritual truth. Take Genesis literally if you like, but understand that wisdom is hidden from the wise, or iow "ppl who have eaten the fruit of the tree of knowledge, and now speak as if they know stuff." have a nice day, and you might actually click on the link for more

6

If I remember correctly, it was Lot whose daughters got him drunk and had sex with him. Then both daughters had children, whose father was also their grandfather. 😲

Yes, I remembered correctly. [bing.com]

which surely never literally happened, ok; there are analogies for "drunk, incest," etc. No literal whores are employed at your prophets have gone a'whoring either, surely

3

Ezekiel 23:20: "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

Christians, always the bride and never the burro.

@Jon_Frum oh that is a pearl

1

Deuteronomy 25:11-12

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

(Whose genitals exactly is she seizing?)

Samuel 18:25-27

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

And then what did he do with the foreskins? I hate writers who leave you hanging.

@MyTVC15 light dusting of flour, deep fried, season salt.......

@AnneWimsey Gross!!!!!

@MyTVC15 crispy! And a lower-calorie source of protein (except for the fryiing.....)

@MyTVC15 Necklace?

@Paul4747 You people are grossing me out. yuck.

@MyTVC15
Fashioned into a bag of holding that doubles its capacity when rubbed.

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Balaam’s Donkey
Numbers 22:21-39

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