Gorillia at the zoo,or Old sailor
and hooker...

Or the story of how I once got day-time drunk and helped my cat hunt down a mouse... outside. I'm sure the neighborhood was impressed.

The story of my 21st birthday.

That my brother is a member of an Islamic organization and I am an atheist

I got one about what happened when my regiment tried to teach me how to drive. I had been only familiar with bikes so I thought it would be a good way earn my license. They didn't start off with the jeeps. Instead the AVGP, an 18 ton armored vehicle called the Grizzly, would be my inaugural teaching aid.
If you want, I'll elaborate but it's better FTF. I use gestures and sound effects.

Idk? Good question.

Getting so pissed that missed my stop

I have many, but my go=to intro to all of them is: So there I was, happy as a clam, minding my own business when all of a sudden ...

Well, it’s an Army story for me. For some context, I was a 68-W. Which in terms everyone understands, I was a combat medic. But we were also medics back stateside as well.

Alright, so I was at a training base (Ft. Leonard Wood, MO) and we were called to a range to watch over a National Guard unit as they were doing an obstacle course. Well, one of the obstacles was a triple strand of razor wire that the soldiers had to “navigate”. Which basically meant get around it. Most of the soldiers did the rational thing by digging a trench under it. But one Staff Sgt has a different idea. Now, this guy had to be like 6’4” easily. Tall lanky guy. He got it in his head that he could step over all 3 strands of the razor wire. So this guy tries to do just so. And unsurprisingly, he gets caught on the top strand. Which, when he tries to step off, the razor wire slices straight through his pants, underwear, and his sack. So much so that when he was finally free, he had one testicle on the outside.

So when I bring him to the that had to be on site, the doctor examines him and tells me to sew it back up. Well, I didn’t want to sew this guys junk back up so I tell the doctor that I had no idea how to do sutures. Which I did, I just didn’t want to do this one. The doctor looks at me like he doesn’t believe me and asks if I’m serious. But eventually, he gives in and sees the guy up.

But all in all, he was sewn up and I’m pretty sure he still had to deploy.

Germany, circa 1986. I get back from leave (from the states). My company is out on maneuvers so, I have the barracks to myself, with 4 other men. The CQ offered me the keys to the arms room, as I was the armoror. I declined and decided to be on leave until the last possible minute (the next day).

At that time, I lived in a room with about 9 other guys. Went to my corner area and burned incense. Not sure why, it really wasn't that funky. It had been 20+ hours since I had been sleeping and I was pasted. It was about midnight, so, I got naked (I sleep raw, even in the military) and went to bed under grandmas quilt.

I wake up to a dogs face staring, intently, into mine. Looks like a Dobie. The dog isn't growling, just focused and intent. My reaction was to NOT move, to relax (don't ask, picked this up as a kid). MP: "Don't move!" I don't move. He searches my area as the dog and I look deeply into each others eyes. I ask if I can sit up and read. The MP says it's ok and calls the dog back.

I sit up, pick up my book and totally ignore the MP just reading my book.

"I have to search your bed" he says.

"Ok, can I keep my blanket."

He replies "no."

"I am naked under here and it's chilly. Why can't I have the blanket?"

He says that he needs to search it.

"Ok, simple problem, simple solution, search the blanket."

He takes the blanket and searches it. I notice that CQ (a corporal) and a private are out in the hall. The Corporal is relaxed, the private is tense up against the wall at parade rest (poor guy).

I get the blanket, and move across to a chair so he can search my bed. I resume my book. Noting that he is getting more and more frustrated that I'm having none of this. I am calm and relaxed, and he outranks me. HE is NOT and he knows that's improper.

So, he asks me to unlock my wall locker. I wrap my blanket around my waste and open the wall locker.

He searches the wall locker and OMG he finds my daggers. I had a Gerber, and two WWII German Daggers one a genuine brown shirts dagger, the other an SS knockoff.

He starts ratcheting up his demeaner getting more and more intense, and brittle (will he break). I am still relaxed and smiling. We are now standing by my bed and chair, in a triangle, the MP, my corporal and I.

MP: "Why aren't these weapons secured in the amrs room?"

Me: "I just got back from leave" (true enough but not the REAL reason)

MP: "Ok, I'll let this pass for now but they MUST be secured." He gives the daggers to my corporal and as he hands them to him says "give these to the Armoror to be secured as quickely as possible."

At this point I am grinning from ear to ear. My corporal turns to me and he and I look each other in the eye and I subtly shake my head. He grins and says "sure" to the MP and they head off. Imagine if he'd handed them to the armoror (me) in front of the rather keyed up MP right there?

Found out later that the dog was sniffing for drugs. He keyed on my room, the poor privates room (neither room had anything that I know of... he didn't search anything but MY area and that because of the incense, I am sure). The dog failed to find the plant (they put drugs on site for the dog to find) which invalidates the search completely.

Sorry, I have no short stories.

My buddy and I took his 8 year old to the art museum. We were stolling along and the boy stopped on a dime. We went back and he was staring at a painting of Snow White and the seven dwarves. Snow White was naked. My buddy asked him "What about this paiting moves you?" He said "It makes my thingy tingle." I had to walk away.

Basically, my life.

But more specifically, I was hit by a car and had both femur broken (this lead to several funny stories). Everyday before visiting hours, the orderlies would come by and collect all the bedding, and then 30 minutes later come back with the new linen. They did it this way so as to ensure no linens were missed and to avoid cross contamination. The one day they were running late, and when my black roommate's family (Mother, Father, little brother, 2 teenage daughters, and their Deacon) showed up a tad early, there was 16 year old white boy me totally spread eagle, in double traction, naked as a Jaybird, in glorious full and prominent view, and "happy" to see everybody. I smiled, waved and said good morning. There was not a damned thing I could do about it!

Thus was but one of several terribly embarrassing events I endured at this time and because of the accident.

How went to dinner at Red Lobster with my ex and another couple. He didn't have much experience with cracking a lobster and getting the meat out. He had a buzz and declined. Next thing you know the lobster goes flying through the air across the restaurant. Laughed so hard he finally let the waitress get him another one declawed and meat removed. Never brought him there again.

I am wearing a splint on my wrist following a slip-and-fall so that is my go-to at the moment. That moment when, like Wile E. Coyote, you look down and realize neither of your feet is on the ground.
But I was taking the trash out when it happened and people keep telling me I need a better story, like, say I was rescuing a baby or a puppy or something.

Oh I have tons of those my dear.

For example

A few years ago in NYC..One day while on the sub way a gentleman gets on the train with a saxophone and starts playing intentionally badly and wants people to pay him to stop..So I happend to be drinking a milk shake this day and when the feller got in front of me and blared a particularly not fun note, I stuffed the sax with my milkshake and then congratulated the feller on the improvement of his sound.