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27 10

Do you use the word, "sex," in your profile? What was the result?

Today I received this message from a man in Australia:

“You have a fine bio and a set of photographs which has understandably resulted in a huge following. However, what you enjoy does not quite match up with your proclaimed need to intimacy, no mention being made of love or sex. I suspect that you are asexual and therefore, not compatible with my needs.”

I felt gob-smacked and amused by his incorrect assumption. In society’s eyes, a very real dichotomy holds sway: you are either a sexless, socially acceptable “mommy,” or a bad girl who purrs and oozes sex. His message reeked of the age-old, odious Madonna/Whore Complex.

With online dating, it is dangerous for women to explicitly mention sex in their profiles, especially if you want a loving relationship. I learned this the hard way, after being deluged by messages from sex hounds.

So, I deleted the word “sex” from my profile, replacing it with “intimacy.” Also removed “naked body” from the skinny-dipping paragraph. Previously, I wrote:

“Skinny dipping at night made me a lifelong sensualist. In August the lake was warm as bath water. Icy cold streams flowed up from the bottom. Swimming after dark through the warm water, I dived down and let the cold streams caress my naked body. The feeling was exquisite.”

Oops. This triggered an avalanche of sexual messages. I downshifted to:

“Skinny dipping at night made me a lifelong sensualist. August evenings at the lake were warm as bath water, accentuated by icy cold streams flowing up from the bottom. It was an exquisite experience I long to share.”

My profile describes me as a lifelong sensualist who is intense, playful and passionate. I described the pleasures of skinny-dipping. “I miss the tender touch, laughter, conversation, intimacy, teamwork and fun of a committed, loving relationship."

I posted a variety of recent photos, from hiking to wearing a sexy, little dress. My goal was to show a well-rounded, fun and active life.

Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 Apr 10
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27 comments

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5

I got it! He doesn't like Paul Simon!

Very funny!

@LiterateHiker I do try!

5

There was nothing wrong with what you had in your profile. Just saying you like sex is not overtly sexual, or suggestive even, especially not here where there is a strong sense of community. What this tells me is there is an element of immature men on the site who are not very perceptive, and also read things into what they see in profiles. So my advice to you is: Consider the source

5

Rather than share my opinion, I'd just like to be supportive and express my sympathy with your difficult experience. It's miserable that societies try to stereotype our individuality out of existence - often with contradictory messages. Here's to the wish that people might rather get to know us instead of making assumptions. Also, it's sad that there are so many people who are so sexually desperate.

Thank you for your kindness and support, ejbman. I love what you wrote.

5

At this point, I figure I'll never stop being surprised by the novel ways people (mis)interpret things--especially those things which I though were explicitly clear. I can't predict all the connotations out there that other people have, so I don't worry about it. I just represent myself however I feel like, and let the chips fall where they may.

4

He completely missed your point. He's not very bright.

4

I never thought your original profile was inappropriate or suggestive. I thought it was just honest. I had the word 'sex' in my profile but it didn't cause me to have any kind of adverse response to anyone's profile for any reason. That guy was a creep with his own issues to tend. Even though this site has a great many grounded members, it still is going to be populated to some extent by the entire cross section of humanity. He's one of those rouges that needs to be blocked. There's several on here like that. I don't block. I ignore them and let them expose themselves.

Thank you for your kind words. I loved writing the original story of skinny dipping at night with potent, concise words:

"Icy cold streams flowed up from the bottom. Swimming after dark through the warm water, I dived down and let the cold streams caress my naked body. The feeling was exquisite."

I was trying to paint a picture in the reader's mind.

Underwater streams made circles on the lake surface. Diving down, I tried touching the hole with my finger where a stream emerged from underground. A perfect circle of pebbles surrounded the hole. The force of cold water blasting upward pushed away my hand.

@LiterateHiker I see nothing inappropriate with that language. Maybe some do but I can identify with the poetic aspect and not take it as an invitation.

4

Hmmmm. Well, in my mind, based on your photos and your words, I consider you "sexy," which I admit is a vague term. No, I don't have "sex" in my profile, just because I don't want to start anything I can't finish.

And unfortunately, a woman having that word in their profile is a magnet.

It has been awhile since I read your profile, but it didn't make me think you were "cold." Maybe I just have a better imagination than he does.

Obviously, he is not the type of friend you are seeking. Move along.

4

Don't you know your purpose is to serve and procreate by the male of the species? And that your body belongs to someone you haven't yet met? LOL

Hilarious! I love dry wit.

4

I’m sorry that happened to you. There’s nothing wrong with sex, but there is more to life than just sex. Some men can’t see that. Unfortunately, they also have limited social lives and that’s reflected in your exposure to them. Sadly, if you post suggestive photos or write your bio with sexually suggestive language, then your going to get unwelcome attention. It’s probably best to be circumspect with that kind of thing until you get to know someone.

4

I think he is a dick. When it comes to women l try not to assume anything, and l do believe if you mention sex in your profile you will get a bunch of unwanted responses. Too many man have no clue.

3

The bloke's a knob.

This is more about him than you. I have never been on a dating site (happily married) but don't understand why you would message someone to say you are not compatible.

Surely better to spend your time messaging those you think you might be compatible with?

He probably wanted you to deny you are asexual so he could send you a dick pic.....

Muppet.

Hilarious! Love what you wrote, especially:

"This is more about him than you.

"...don't understand why you would message someone to say you are not compatible."

"He probably wanted you to deny you are asexual so he could send you a dick pic"

3

The guy sounds like a moron. I wouldn't pay him any attention. His message was nature's way of saying "leave this one alone" sort of like the rattle on a rattlesnake.

3

Honestly, I found your bio quite intriguing, but not in any way overly self-promoting. Left me wanting to know more.

I didn't use the word sex in my profile because, for me personally, it's always been something I've associated with privacy, between only two persons who are mutually consenting and in full agreement and accord in the matter. I know, I know, I express myself as a very repressed person in that regard, however, I simply consider myself very private when it comes to the ultimate physical intimacy.

Also, and this is probably the main reason I didn't use the word; I didn't sign on for the dating aspect.

3

I'm mystified by the guy from Oz.

I looked at your profile, you have a few suggestive pictures, the sensualist and skinny dipping references along with the pictures would indicate to me that you have a healthy interest in sex. Based on the other profiles I've seen, I'd gues you'd get more than your share of sexually charged approaches but nothing in your profile seems overly suggestive to me.

Good luck.

Thank you, shockwaverider! I appreciate it.

3

You're always going to get shallow fucking perverts only thinking of there cock. you don't have to date the fools and it's easier for you to see them for what they are telling the truth on your profile rather than in person. id tell the truth and dump all the dick pick fools. there is probably someone beating their bishop looking at your photo or reading this lol.

I had removed the word "sex" in my interests, but I'll put it back because I agree with you.. it's easier to see fools for what they are if its there.

3

I checked out your profile looking for the "pictures resulting in a huge following." I was expecting racy or tasteless but didn't see them. I'm not sure what that guy was talking about. I think the edits you made were good choices. And i think your profile and pictures are perfect. Best wishes and good luck!!
P.S. Is the correct answer the second one? The one about Grad School?

Funngirl75, Thank you so much! You are right (three words men love to hear).

Actually, I didn't take the GRE. Knew I'd tank in math. Instead I had a fun conversation/interview with the dean and got into Univ. of Washington graduate school anyway.

@LiterateHiker I can't really explain it, but I find the pic where you're sitting backward in that chair in a sexy little dress to be sexually suggestive. I would think that guy was really referring to that pic and probably the jeans one.

3

I glanced at your profile-you've got enough there to keep pervs away. Didn't sound asexual. I use the word sexy in mine because its part of my makeup. Being a cancer survivor its still part of my identity and I'm grateful I still have it - won't apologize for it. I just got messaged from someone part of a couple-not in my profie-but as we grow as a group we're going to get all types of responders. Such is the expansion of our community.

2

I think it's really sad that people have so many judgements about people especially as it comes to sex. It's almost like you're a whorish slut or an asexual prude and nothing in between exists, when sexuality and sexual proclivities exist entirely along a broad spectrum. I abstained from sex and intimacy for many years due to emotional and health issues, but that never meant I was prudish or frigid, nor does my emerging desire to be in an intimate relationship again make me a desperate slut looking for a hookup. I'd placed an ad on a dating site and was so surprised at the responses I got, running the gamut from dick pics to guys professing their immediate undying love. No matter what I had written, I realize people will respond the way they want. It's only the ones who gave me a thoughtful, reflective response that showed me they actually took in what I wrote who I would continue with further, and the majority of those even dropped off after a few exchanges. Only one continued to respond and also stood out, like he "got" me. And even though I don't know where this is going, I've been happy with him ever since.

Bravo, bleurowz! You are hit the nail on the head. You perfectly described the narrow, damaging Madonna/Whore Complex with which society still views women.

"It's almost like you're a whorish slut or an asexual prude and nothing in between exists, when sexuality and sexual proclivities exist entirely along a broad spectrum."

Well said. Your comments about online dating are priceless! You would be great as a comedian.

1

Mmm yes, that's interesting, makes sense and is somewhat reassuring lol 🙂 🙂 🙂

1

Yep you unleashed the hounds probably to the point of drowning out the one person you're looking for. guys are so thick. subtlety is not their thing. . The nice ones would provide a much nicer reply. hope it goes better for you.

1

I sympathise with you! Actually, if you had just put your revised wording in your profile, anyone with any intelligence would be able to read between the lines and conclude that you are a well-rounded, sensual, interesting, amusing, woman, capable of a serious, complete, passionate and full relationship with the right man (unless possibly you are bisexual). And BTW, I also love of skinny-dipping!

Thank you, Terry. I appreciate your sweet message.

1

Hmm. I have always been aware of my body and how it functions. From Kindergarten on I was always aware of the girl next door and the girls in general. There were all kinds of girls that made life miserable by being untouchable. That continued until one of those eight year old girls stole my shorts and I had to run home naked. Pop laughed, Mom was shocked and wanted to know which of those naughty little girls had my shorts. "The blond one, Mom."

Iggie Level 3 Apr 10, 2018
1

I have had similar experiences. I do not find your pictures or your words to be overly sexual. On the contrary there is a sensual nature to your profile. I gained a clear sense of who you are and what you enjoy. As for Mr Australia...just bazaar...and entertaining...wonder what he found that suggested asexual? Can a human truly be asexual?

I appreciate your positive feedback on my profile, Starletlive.

The man who assumed I was asexual said he has met many older women who are asexual.

My guess is they refused to have sex with him, and he assumed they were asexual. He blamed the women instead of taking responsibility for his behavior.

1

Thank you, everyone. I use the same profile and continually updated photos on other dating websites: Fitness Singles, Plenty of Fish (cancelled in 2016) and OK Cupid.

Sexual messages came from Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid. No surprise there.

Even "Carpe Diem!"- my headline on Plenty of Fish- was criticized by a man who expected me to meet him that night in a hotel. Without talking or meeting first. He carped that "seize the day" misrepresented me. What an ass.

The jackwit (thank you, FortyTwo) who called me asexual is on Agnostic.com. I blocked him.

1

I never encourage men to think I'd be putting out. Since most cis hetero men want to have sex with most women, the lust of men is not complimentary.

If a guy makes a sexual comment to me, my first reaction is to block him. If he doesn't bring anything to the table in the way of interests in common, then I don't want him. I am a demisexual and feel no sexual attraction until after a year of close association.

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