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How long to wait before going on dates?

My wife of 22 years and I separated last July and our divorce should be finalized next month so I'm curious how others handled it after getting a divorce? We have 2 adult children.

By mebeb325
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31 comments

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0

One day you will wake up and feel "It's time".

DUCHESSA Level 8 Apr 14, 2018
8

As long as it takes for you to be ready if it's 1 week or 1 year it's up to you..Do you feel it's the right time?

josh23452 Level 7 Apr 14, 2018
7

Doesn't that depend on when the date is scheduled? I mean, if it's noon, and the date is scheduled for 5pm, then you have to wait 5 hours. If, on the other hand, the train left NY at a speed of 60 mph and was headed East towards a bicycle going 35 mph while an egret was flying South with two coconuts tapping together... um, wait, did I derail into the wrong thread again? smile001.gif

Gnarloc Level 7 Apr 14, 2018

And not one person has pointed out that the train had damned well better know how to swim! smile001.gif

5

There isn't a time you have to wait.

5

Why wait?

Rugglesby Level 8 Apr 14, 2018

Well for me, with my luck dating a separated man, is trouble. He seems to always go back to wifey.

@vnufall whoa, poor form, sorry to hear that.

4

With two grown children I would say move on and start dating. I am one that find it hard believing in marriage (seems an attachment to religion), so feeling obligated based on a long marriage doesn't make sense to me as well.

Darthpug Level 7 Apr 14, 2018
4

If you are ready now, go for it. If not you will know when you feel comfortable. Hopefully your children are accepting the situation. Adult children can have a more difficult time than young children. They can have a difficult time seeing their parents with someone else. You can't let them dictate who you see. They are adults and they have to accept the fact their parents have a right to their own lives.

Sticks48 Level 9 Apr 14, 2018

Yes at first they do but after awhile really they are more interested in who they are datimg.

4

I waited several months before I allowed new females to use me.

3

As soon as you can go out and talk to an adult without rehashing your marriage. My son was 16 when his father and I separated after 20 years, son lived with me and I was going out three months later. He didn't want me moping about the house, I didn't think it was a clever idea either, so I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got on with living.

Kimba Level 7 Apr 14, 2018
3

Ok, a serious answer: when you are comfortable with dating someone. You are ready. That said, and having never walked that path, I'd consider talking to my kids about it. Part of this really depends on how confident you are that you and your ex-wife really are quits. I say this having read too many statistics about couples that divorce, only to gravitate back together.

Gnarloc Level 7 Apr 14, 2018
3

I started dating the moment my ex wife told me she was divoring me. Never got involved though as I am still single after 35 years. Many have tried but I am not going to put myself in that position again.

VAL3941 Level 8 Apr 14, 2018

Yipeee. I got 3 likes !

2

If you are legaly seperated, there should be no problem with dating. Unless, of course, if your soon-to-be ex is a psycho, then just be careful to date in another town, or, better yet, another state!

I lost my wife of over 42 years to cancer. I've been saying to myself that I should get a date and, hopefully, get laid. But, I haven't been on a date since 1974, so I have no idea how to go about it. It's not that easy.

2

There is no "cookie cutter" answer to this since everyone is different. What is right for you may not be right for anyone else in this group.

Only you can honestly answer this.

There are some things to consider however....i.e. are you still carrying around baggage from the divorce and have you honestly thought about how it will affect future relationships? have you worked through grief/anger/pain caused by the divorce? have you identified the honest reasons the marriage ended and have you taken ownership of your part? have you made changes to your own thinking and/or adjusted your actions based on what you learned in your marriage/divorce? etc. on and on. I recommend everyone get counseling....or, at the very least, a workbook to work through all the issues that come with the dissolution of a marriage. I've been in counseling for 3 years and I have no plan on stopping anytime soon. We all grow and heal in our own time.

There are more than enough broken people in the world. Make sure you are not going to create any more because you have unresolved issues.

2

Trying to get out socially in groups is a good start and probably a good way to meet women. I'm thinking interest oriented stuff like bowling, softball, billiards, bicycling, hiking, etc. in leagues/clubs. Nothing like common likes to share as a start. I think common misery or grief can be a transient slippery slope, with affections based something temporary. When the 'healin's done', where do you go from there?

Divorces don't happen by accident. Honest reflection on self and possible illusions created about the other person that disn't pan out to be so ought to help mend in a more painful way, like sutures without anesthetic. It isn't speculation. I've been there too.

2

The marriage is over! Date when you feel you are ready. Life is too short so make the most of it while you can.

2

As soon as you feel comfortable and ready to.

bleurowz Level 8 Apr 14, 2018
2

I dated as soon as I wanted to.

2

If the children are adults, then they are not a concern. Your life is your own.
If you meet someone interesting while separated you can be friends and go out for coffee if you feel you'd be "cheating" before you have a legal divorce paper.

Just make sure you tell your date your relationship status so she can decide. I sometimes had an "only fuly divorced" rule, but I waived that rule for my ex, since his divorce had been dragging on for over a year; his wife wouldn't sign the divorce papers, even though she's the one who kicked him out.

2

No set period, when you feel ready. You're not showing respect for one who has died, where people might suggest a waiting period, which for my dad was about 4 weeks! So I'm guessing divorce wasn't your idea and you miss her, so, as I said, no waiting required, jump back in when you feel ready.

2

Don't ask me I have never been divorced, but a good rule of thumb is to wait at least a year and nothing serious for 2.

2

33 yrs. married, I waited about 6 months after moving out.

1

Take your time... travel around. Do things. Meet people. Date only if they are the one that might get away. Use protection all the time. What's the hurry?

1

I started dating before my ex decided to leave me. She had agreed to, but ultimately couldn't handle the open relationship I had demanded.

Totally amicable split, and I'm financially supporting the hell out of her. We still love each other, in fact, but can't finalize the divorce for at least another 5 months.

MollyBell Level 7 Apr 14, 2018

Love and total commitment are not the same. One can love without being committed, and one can be committed without loving.

@Petter With her not being lesbian, and me not being a man, and her not being a man, we were left with some technical difficulties that we couldn't overcome.

@MollyBell That can be awkward! Here's a related, humorous Limerick I wish I had written:-

A masculine girl from Khartoum
Took a feminine man to her room.
They argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

@Petter Cute ?

1

My first marriage was 16 years. I left with my physically handicapped daughter. I jumped into a relationship which lasted a year-big mistake. Should have taken some time getting to know myself again but with my daughter's special needs scared I couldn't do it alone. You can start dating whenever you feel comfortable.

1

I dated before the divorce was final but l would wait until the divorce is final. Then date all you want.

vnufall Level 7 Apr 14, 2018
1

When you feel ready. Everyone is different & it also depends on the circumstances. Some people are more resilient & bounce back more quickly than others.

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