i think that in your shoes I would probably be feeling the same & possibly having those thoughts actually helps you not act on them. It is always sad when this sort of thing happens i do feel sorry for your predicament and wonder if there are any non legal places that help with this kind of parenting dilemma. Some childrens advocacy network?

Any man can make a child it takes a real man to be a father.

btw its perfectly normal to imagine bad things...just don't ever act on them, that's when you have problems. What goes on inside your head, STAYS inside your head!

I would suggest you take someone with you and pick neutral places, the arena, museum, the park etc. This way there is someone to help you keep your mind from wandering. Bring a deck of cards or something that you and a friend can do together and still supervise. I don't know if this would help or not but it may be worth a try.

As for your thoughts (right or wrong). It’s normal to react to being hurt and betrayed. You have some unfinished emotional business that you need to deal with. Try to find a way to do so that is effective for you. You could write down every conceivable nasty idea then read it out loud then destroy it or you can use a punching bag with his picture on it or you could volunteer to help demo a kitchen. You are aware of your thoughts which means you can have control of them. Find some way to purge that anger or you’ll always be tethered to him in an unhealthy way.

Everyone has a right to see their kids, provided there is no danger to the kids.
There has to be that safety net.

Reacting to things in your mind is of course normal. I wouldn't let my son there with the father being such a twat because its dangerous. he would have to get his shit together and you shouldn't be the one supervising either as you're both too close and your rightly bias at the moment. if he is that bad I would stop the visits because he's obviously dangerous until he gets his shit together.

You need to document all of his behavior and get a lawyer. Neither of you are safe with a man that's upredictable. Especially when there is alchohol involved, as you mentioned in the thread and previous violence. If you think you can protect him by being there, you're wrong. When I left my ex, also an abusive alcoholic, I was able to get an order to allow him only supervised visitation with my daughter. He was also not allowed to drink alcohol within 24 hours of seeing her or forfeit his right to see her. She got over missing her dad when she understood how dangerous he was.

Your intuition is telling you to keep your child away from this dangerous man.

I am very concerned that you would take measures to ensure continued contact between your child and anyone who has exhibited problematic drinking and violent behaviors--especially since your gut is telling you it's a bad idea. The fact that you are trying to stuff and/or question those feelings is troubling.

Facilitating a relationship between blood relatives--even a child and parent--is not more important than protecting children from harm. Harm is inevitable when someone is drinking to excess, being violent, and alienating everyone. Even if he never beats or screams at his kid, the fallout from his actions will cause some manner of harm to the child: he will go to jail, people will speak ill of him, his kid will wonder why his daddy can't or doesn't do this or that--because daddy got drunk, broke that thing, was banned from that place, whatever.

The better move is to eliminate or change the nature of the contact (like to letters or Skype only) until and unless he gets his act together--and demonstrates real, measurable progress, in a realistic timeframe.

You want to see your kid? Quit drinking. Go to AA. Take anger management classes. Get counseling. Whatever. Don't want to do stuff like that? Then I guess you don't want to see your kid badly enough.

You're a mother, and are concerned about your child. There's nothing abnormal about wanting to protect your kids.

As far as controlling your thoughts that's probably not possible, but you seem to have an admirable amount of control over your words and actions. Focus on that, and remember your kids need you to stay out of prison.

A lot of unanswered variables. Were you married? Is the child old enough to make their own decision on whether to see him or not? Thinking of worse case scenarios, isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's your job as a parent. If even his family won't supervise visits, that is a huge red flag.If you were married and divorced, then court ordered supervisionis an option.It is very normal to have concerns.You shouldn't stop if there is evidence or tendancies of violence or harm.I would seek some legal advice.

Are you Seperated? Divorced? Do you have a Parenting Plan? I would seek legal counsel and get a "Guardian Ad Litem" assigned to your case. Also, Therapy for emotional Support. I have some resources if you are interested, just message me.

Sounds like you may well have reasons for concern. If so, you have no reason to feel any quilt. It may make you sad that this is the case, but that is natural. Simply try to do the right thing for your son.

You are concerned for your adopted son and that means you love. Those who love can not be bad. They can have conflicting thoughts, or emotions, that seemingly mock our desire to love. Yours are based on a greater love for those who are helpless. I admire you for even asking.
However, a child’s relationship to either real parent must be respected. Life is hard and there are genetic questions at play. You are charged with keeping that child safe but the line is one you must walk. So long as you act from love you will be right in walking that line. The rest is up to his father’s conscience. He has a few responsibilities, also.
Best of luck.

His dishonorable actions negated his link to the child. A monster begets monsters. Keep him away.

There is no such thing as a bad thought. It is not possible for people to control all of their thoughts all of the time. You do not have to feel guilty for any thought you have ever.
The only bad thing about the thoughts you have is how they effect you internally. It’s not healthy to be in situations where you are that angry on a regular basis. All kinds of stress related conditions lie down that path.
On another note, his status as biological parent does not automatically qualify him for any kind of visitation/partial custody. That is contingent on him being a minimally decent caretaker. I don’t presume to tell you what to do, but if he can’t handle his child unsupervised, it is not on you to secure that supervision, and definitely not on you to provide it yourself. If no adult you know wants to be around him, it might not be the best place for your child anyway.

Thinking and feeling are neither good nor bad - they just are. It is normal and it's okay

All I can think of is to treat it kind of like meditation. Thoughts will come and go. If you don't like what pops into your head, acknowledge it and just try to let it go. I'm sure it's not so simple but maybe it's a start.

It would be really great if you could stop beating yourself up for having reasonable fears and concerns. You've been given AMPLE reason to feel the way you do.
It's not unreasonable to have bad feelings toward someone who has shown you the very worst of themselves. It's also not unreasonable to want to protect your child from such a negative influence.
Especially when there have been occasions where he was incapable of properly caring for your child.
Unless it's been mandated by a court, you are not obligated to continue to subject your child to his influence. Your son might be far better off having less contact with your ex.
It's not wrong to put your child first. Sometimes, that means removing a bad or dangerous influence, even if that influence is the child's father.

You can always explain your motivations to your son when he's older. Better to have to ask for his forgiveness when he's grown, than to perpetually put him in a position to be negatively impacted by someone with serious issues.
It sure doesn't sound like this guy is much of a father.

It sounds to me like you're doing a wonderful job. Co-parenting can be difficult, more so when you're in a situation like this.

Did you report the abuse, and get statements from the neighbors? You should be able to get a court order to stop the visitation if a child's life is being put at risk.