At a funeral it is more relevant and emotional to concentrate on the person rather than going on about God. I do agree with what you say but I think they probably ran the funeral in the way they are used to. I too have been to this type of funeral and find them very impersonal and bland. Your last sentence was touching and I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

I'm guessing that your housekeeper treated you with respect and vice-versa even though there may have been a difference in your religious views. And you may not have reason to cross paths or converse with her family in the near future, but if you do, perhaps that could be the bridge you could extend when you express your condolences, if you're comfortable expressing your non-religious views...

You could share that you miss her smile and camaraderie, and that she always treated you kindly despite possible religious differences. Maybe remind them that while you don't believe in an afterlife or a physical heaven or hell, you feel her kindness lives on in your memories of her.

Regarding seeing deceased loved ones again "in Heaven" I always feel that people who mean a lot to us have created a little spot of heaven in our hearts, where they do live on after they're gone. Of course, there are those who also created a little corner of Hell in our hearts, haha, and that's how we remember them.

I feel that there's always room for a different perspective and a reminder that not everyone is of the same religious persuasion who admired their loved one. Maybe in time, they will cease to speak in derogatory terms about people who believe differently than they do.

I'm sorry for your loss. 12 years is a long time to know someone and they become almost like family. Her mother sounds almost desperate in enforcing religious nonsense. I'm sure that end of it is hard for many in this time now of wanting protection from anything different than you. My oldest daughter is 50 and came over recently for a movie night. I talked to her of my political activism, showed her live news from all over the world, and she was overwhelmed. Her view is that if she had all this in her head she would go insane. The irony is that she lives in a world of all drama and to be able to cope and have protection she went back to her belief in an invisible god and a living Jesus. My opinion is that all this does is increase the stress and drama.

For me, religion takes away the necessity to think. It allows behavior that no thinking person would tolerate. The word spiritual is erroneously associated with religion. Some have derived spirituality and inspiration via their religion, as you can see in the art and music, but that is not the rule.
I believe there is spirituality, inspiration and awe outside religion. One has only to stand high up on a mountain and look down at the world, or take a stroll in the woods on a beautiful morning, or listen to a great melody or view an painting by Van Gogh. The life of a person is cause for awe for its great significance that inspires love and then grief over what we have lost. Sorry for your loss.

Religious garbage like that is why I am stating in my final wishes I do not want any religious speeches or symbols at my funeral. Most Funeral homes display crosses everywhere including the can. I told my brother not to spend a bunch of money on a fancy casket and headstone. Told him to go cheap and keep as much of my money as he can for himself. I feel for you having to sit through all that BS, was your housekeeper religious like her family or more realistic like you?

Sorry for your loss.
It sucks to have to sit through religious bullshit when you're mourning the loss of someone.
Another reason why I no longer attend funerals.
I can't stomach that crap.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I suspect after 12 years she had become an integral part of your life and you'll miss her for some time. I hope your memories help comfort you through your loss.

I understand your dilemma. I no longer attend funerals unless it's for someone I'm close to. It's just too difficult to hear all the babble about "reunification" in heaven when I know this just isn't so. It feels like I'm grieving on a whole different level than they are. And I am.

Some time after my father's funeral, my sister (a believer) turned to me out of the blue and asked, "So you don't believe you'll ever see Dad again?" It wasn't antagonistic. She honestly couldn't imagine how painful that reality would be. And it is. But if I'm going to open a conversation with a believer, the loss of a loved one never feels like a good time to lean into it.

Peace be with you.

well said. you surprise me. condolences.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I hope the memories you have of her from the many years shared are of some comfort when you feel her absence in your daily life.

I realize that many people find comfort in the notion that they'll be reunited with their loved ones in an afterlife, but I find that to be an empty feeling. I don't want to live life thinking my interactions today don't really matter because there's an eternity ahead of us. The very thought cheapens the precious time we actually have.

Was Arlene a believer?

When my Dad died, I wasn't much help. I was there with him in the hospital. My Mom let a cousin run the funeral. Way too religious. As we left my son said, "If Pop-Pop had a god, it was FDR. Few attendees were happy with the evangelical bs, but no one said anything at the time. No religious shit at the meal afterwards.

Maybe, like they do at most Unitarian memorial services, they should have allowed friends of the deceased to be able to get up and share some reflections on the person who died. But I know that is rarely done or allowed at Christian churches, which is too bad. Their house, their rules. I know that when I die, my closest friend will have all the say about my memorial service, unless I have another partner by then, and I have directed them to only allow the speakers that I have already designated to speak about me at the service. That is for two reasons. First, my siblings have had little contact with me during my adult life and frankly, they do not understand, appreciate, or respect me, so I don't want them to be able to comment on me at the service, when they are basically strangers to me for the last few decades. Secondly, I have seen way too many instances at memorial services where someone the dead person despised, got up there during the open sharing period for friends and family of the deceased and used the platform to spew out a lot of phony baloney admiration or complimentary stuff about the deceased. I am not trying to control the service from the grave, so to speak, but simply trying to preserve the values and attitude of trying to practice truth and integrity the same way I have in my life.

I also know I can count on my friends who I designate to also mention some of my faults and character flaws, as well as my virtues and positive acts, so there will be balance, lol...

It is very very hard to convince Christians that the Jesus story is a fable. Hopefully they will smarten up and dump Jesus on their own.