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Here's what makes me sick and angry today. If a man loses his wife and starts dating within a year, all you hear is "oh, the poor thing, he can't make it alone, he needs someone to take care of him." If a woman loses her husband and starts dating within a year, then there's something wrong with her. She's bad. She's crazy. She's what-fucking-ever. Today I got a message from my granddaughter who's TEN years old that says "don't talk about your boyfriend in front of me anymore." Yeah, I'm sure she came up with that all by herself. From now on they're just going to have to wonder about where the fuck I am when I'm not around because I ain't saying shit. Right now the whole world can just kiss my ass. Rant over

ProudMerry 7 June 5
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23 comments

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9

Wouldn’t the world be a better place, if everyone just minded their own effing business?!

@ProudMerry It IS cruel. It’s also controlling, and passive-aggressive. IMHO your gd is being very unfair and is using a double standard/bind on you. She might not know that consciously, but it’s an emotional abuse tactic. (Most likely, she’s a flying monkey for someone else and maybe, hopefully, is not really feeling that way). You’re rightfully angry because what they’re doing is unfair.
My sister in law has some toxic traits and did something similar during the time my brother was dying. I’d have cut my own head off before causing him distress, so I said nothing to her, and he never knew. I have zero use for her though, and when I MUST encounter her, I’m gray rock. It’s hard because she and my brother had been together 35 years(+ 4 dating), so she’s family. But I’m done with toxic crap. I’ve also been told that I see abuse everywhere...maybe I do. If I’m wrong, I apologize. I HOPE I’m wrong!
I’m sorry this is happening to you, I know it hurts.

@ProudMerry ???????good for you!

8

It's a huge double standard borne of misogyny.

I'm so tired of fighting misogyny. It's every day, all the time. I'm exhausted.

Just ten minutes ago I reported a post on this site which linked a video on YouTube.

It was a video about women being 'whores'. I clicked on the video to see if it was satirical, but it wouldn't play.

Men don't have to put up with this shit.

No we generally don't. I'm sorry that you do. We're not all like that.

8

You do what is right for you hun, of course, stay safe.
You are right, your granddaughter heard someone else. She doesn't understand.
The adults are the pits, expecting you to spend the rest of your life catering to "family" and remaining celibate.
What frickin' jerks!

6

You have it ALL right! And don't forget that. Live YOUR life and if people don't like it, that's THEIR problem, not yours. You're MY kind of person!

6

The old double standard. What a shame. I'm sorry you're going through that.

5

Good for you.

5

Yeah, no I don't think a 10 year old would say that. She might say "I don't like so and so". What do I know my kids all have 4 paws and a tail. If they don't like somebody they pee on their shoes. ?

4

That's sad. I'm sorry. 10... tricky age for understanding something of that gravity. A comment below makes sense to me though, that she likely missed her grandfather and doesn't realize that your having company [[[doesn't]]]] mean you didn't care about your husband.

I suspect that the motive you speak of belong to the adults, not the 10 yr old.
Just my opinion and observation from the lives I've seen.

@ProudMerry, @njoy_life_2 You know the term ‘flying monkeys’? If you haven’t heard it, it’s worth a Google.

@ProudMerry rereading one of my sentences I grammared wrong. I meant "she doesn't realize that her seeing someone doesn't mean she didn't care about her grandfather".

@njoy_life_2 Not knowing them I have 2 thoughts on this: my closest experience with something like this is when my parents divorced when I was 12. I HATED all of my mother's subsequent "boyfriends" for years and didn't "calm down" about it until I was well past High School.
The other I'm a bit sensitive about because I'm CERTAIN my MIL thinks my daughter is not mature enough (at 20!!!) to have her own thoughts on things & feels I've "poisoned the well" on her, when in fact she's responsible for the sorry state of her relationship with her deceased son's only child.

My MIL is a pathological "projector" and accomplished "well poisoner", so of course she would think I brainwashed my kid to hate her grandmother. Instead of her owning what a heinous bleep she was to us when her son was ill, which my daughter witnessed in full view.
Things got so bad my daughter recently gave me whiplash when I was wondering who she was referring to when calling her grandmother by her 1st name. 😮😮😮

With that not alleging anything here, just sharing other possible scenarios, since I don't know all involved personally.

@ProudMerry I hope your granddaughter outgrows this ideation soon, for both your sakes.

@CarolinaGirl60 While I agree "flying monkeys" are a thing, and have been subjected to this myself, when I was young & processing my parent's divorce no one said anything sideways about my Dad or Mom, ever.(even tho my Dad was a habitual philanderer all his life and later on I found out about it, would have been easy for my grandparents to slur him but they never did)
I did have my own thoughts. With that yes kids can parrot things they've heard. Just saying that wasn't the case with mine when my mom began "dating". I just bleedin' hated all my mom's "boyfriends".
My Dad could give 2 bleeps she was seeing anyone else back then.

and I'm still grammar challenged, how many hours later. Ugh. Ya try to fix a thing! Ya makes it worse Q. LOL facepalms

3

It's your life, live it. If others think poorly of you well that's their problem.

3

My family tells me they adore me but seem to think I should jump in the lake with my husbands ashes. When I’m ready I will see whomever I want.

3

Wow, that hurts that instead of being happy you have someone they're trying to box you in. Stay strong.

3

Yes double standards between genders..its true but it's worse when people start dating before your dead.

@ProudMerry. Oh my I was kidding, thats absolutely horrendous behaviour, I don't know what to say,...thats very disturbing Merry.
Jeeze Louise!

2

I can remember back in the late 80's early 90's when my grandmother was full of spunk before the COPD kicked her butt that she would say over and over again "no matter what a man does he'll always have clean palms". I never knew what the hell she meant as she wouldn't elaborate. That was until I started researching my family history and through that process learned that my Aunt born around 1948, was not my grandfathers. Meme had an affair and the result of that was my favorite Aunt Nancy. Well, Grandpa never forgave her and held it against her for the next 52-years. I didn't see it - but there were hints of it in retrospect. Her point was that if Grandpa had cheated it would have almost been expected and those who knew about it would have blamed her for not making him happy. But the fact that she did it - she was labeled a whore and not to be forgiven. It's a clear double standard that stems from ignorance and sexism.

2

Have a chat with her she may have legitimate concerns but talking it through she will better understand things ( oh and I do think she was encouraged to send that email )

@ProudMerry ask if she wanted to send the email and see where that goes

2

Yes my daughters don't want to know my prospective lovers and may say they are too busy to attend my beach wedding or wherever

1

Hi Merry, I lost my wife a little over 2 years ago. We had the conversation a few times and each of us urged the other to move on whenever they felt ok to do so. I'm moving on but it ain't easy but I can't stay down, gotta bunch of livin to do yet. Wish you well and stay true to yourself, what somebody else thinks of you is none of your business. Peace.

1

Breathe-in, breathe-out until you calm. Then, do what you like; to hell with the kibitzers.

@ProudMerry enjoy

1

u are entitled to a life.

1

Hugs. I am so sorry.

1

I learnt not to judge.
40 years ago I worked in a pub. The head barmaids brother was dying. He had contracted a disease of parrots and it was a slow death. Every night after work Janet would be telling us all about it. At first we were at sympathetic but after a while grew less so. The work was hard and we just wanted to turn off and have beer. Then he died and we were all sympathetic again but it was not the end of it. His widow drank in the same pub. Next we got how her former sister-in-law was sleeping around. Which seemed to be true as I could not collect glasses at her table without getting groped. For weeks Janet went on and on about how little respect she must have had for her brother as her bedroom door was becoming a turnstile. Then we leaned that his widow had attempted suicide. Goodness knows what that poor woman had suffered, that drove her to seek comfort in the arms of so many men but I never judged anyone again in that way.

I don't understand how she came to the conclusion that the woman had no respect for her brother. She didn't fool around on him when he was alive, apparently, so it appears that she liked sex and after her husband died, she had some. Or a lot. I don't see an issue.
What's to judge?

@AtheistInNC It was a case of " His body is barely cold and she out is shagging all kinds." No apparent grief or period of morning. Families can be awful at these times. She (Janet) failed to see the agony of sister-in-law, watching the young man she loved. Die a slow and horrible death. She only saw her own hurt.

1

I don't think people say that because it is a woman. I think your granddaughter just misses her grandpa and hasn't yet accepted he is gone.

Wow. Blind to white male privilege much?

@birdingnut : I just know I'm not like that. I'm just speaking from my experience.

@dare2dream Your experience as a woman in America? Wow.

1

My, my ! You are angry ! And correct, but good luck with that one ?

@ProudMerry
You are not alone you know ? Take it with a pinch of salt or arsenic if you prefere ! We on this site will always be on your side. Why do you think I cut my family from my life ! You can choose your freinds but not your family !

@ProudMerry
Hope you feel a tienie wienie bit better, we all love you !

@ProudMerry
Damn I'm good hey. Keep up the momentum please ? I hate to see people down !

0

Maybe I've lived a sheltered existence, but I've never heard of that.

@ProudMerry I didn't know that there were different rules for widows vs widowers. I mean, I knew that existed at one time, but I thought those times were long ago

I have not heard a difference in reacting to men or women finding happiness after being widowed. Maybe I live in a kinder area.

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