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I'm on this other dating website and I've never been married with no kids. This woman responds to my message with "dating someone who has never been married or had kids would be too much of a cultural difference from my life for a long-term relationship."

OK, I do appreciate her viewpoint to some degree. Raising kids is the most challenging thing to do in this world, but her kids are gown up, out of the house. So now not having a history of divorces is now a liability in the dating scene? Is single with no kids a big red flag from a women's perspective?

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62 comments

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10

To each their own I suppose, but I would be thankful if someone dismissed me as an option for those reasons. It saves me the investment of time and energy only to become disappointed later when I realize how shortsighted they are and how quickly they jump to conclusions.

10

I don't understand this logic.

To me it makes more sense to ask why that's the case before you consider it's a red flag. For example, a woman might wonder why a man has never married and had no kids. If she finds a severed hand in his refrigerator, then she'll find out the answer. But if he says something like, "I was in a long-term relationship that never turned to marriage. We both wanted to just travel and walk around the house naked which is why we never had kids"... Or any other plethora of answers would also be understandable.

Just get to know the person, ffs. BTW, her saying that was great. When people show who they are don't make it as something that's wrong with you.

dani2382 Level 5 June 12, 2018

Dani, it’s always so disappointing to find a cold hand in the fridge. ?

@UUNJ What about a warm one in the oven? smile008.gif

10

I think she has other issues.

Gatovicolo Level 7 June 12, 2018
10

When I see “never married” on a profile, I wonder what the person is looking for. Have they had successful long term relationships? Do they want a casual relationship? If they want marriage, what changed so that it’s appealing now, or what prevented it before? A bit more information upfront would prevent people from assuming the person was just a player or had some serious issues.

UUNJ Level 8 June 12, 2018

What questions arise when you see "divorced" on a profile?

@bingst exactly! perhaps using that logic I could say if someone is divorced they obviously don't know how to maintain a relationship, so therefore red flags should go up. But let me add that would be kind of silly.

@bingst I’m divorced, so seeing my that
someone else is doesn’t bother me. I don’t get involved with anyone who is just separated.

9

One person's comment does not speak for the entire heterosexual female demographic.

9

I had a conversation on another site with a man who had never been married or been a parent (he was 61) who said that he expected any woman with whom he had a relationship to put him first -- she needed to stop putting her kids first. I should add that he had dogs that he expected to become a priority for any woman he dated. He was angry and offended when I told him that I thought that was an unrealistic expectation. My daughter is an adult, but she will always be my first priority. He told me he thought that was selfish. Needless to say we didn't communicate further.
That said, I have a friend in a great relationship with a man in his 50;s who had never had a relationship before because of his father's death and the need to assume the family business and take care of his mother. It was finally time that he could think of himself.
So I have opened my mind to more types of men. There are a lot of reasons for all sorts of status. Divorce I get -- I've been there -- and there is some bias on my part to find someone with a similar history to mine. But i'm more open minded than in the past.

ladyprof70 Level 7 June 12, 2018
8

She sounds like a complete, right wing, brainless imbecile. She comes from the place where parents wear their children like medals awarded by society.

Thank you!

8

When you said "her kids are grown up, out of the house." I thought I know exactly where she is coming from. You don't get to stop being a parent just because the kids have left home, doesn't work that way, at least not for women, they are still your kids and top of the priority list. If you don't get that then yes the cultural difference is huge.
Not married, wouldn't care less about, but never in a long term relationship would be a red flag for me, it says something about your priorities. Even if it turns into a train wreck a long term relationship has either taught you something about habitually considering the other person in your life and not finding that a burden, or it hasn't and that is why it was a train wreck.

Kimba Level 7 June 12, 2018

Yes! This is what I said, in different words, as well.

@trblemaker I totally get that. I would never expect to be a priority over someone's children regardless of how old they are. Or even her grandchildren for that matter, if she has any.

It seems to me that she's projected into the future a hypothetical problem in a hypothetical relationship, before even meeting someone. Ya' know, to be honest, now that I reflect on it, I do the very same thing occasionally. I do, however, try to ask people about it if something is a concern of mine.

It's a miracle that anybody gets together with anyone else these days, given the level of mistrust, judgment, and deception in dating. Just an opinion.

8

Gee, wait until she found out you were Agnostic or Atheist. She has a preconceived notion that was based on having one message from you. That to me is a huge reason to let that one go. Or maybe that was just a good excuse to let you know she wasn't interested. Onward and Upward!

8

IMHO, don't think it is negative. To me it means you don't have baby mama drama. No child support and no alimony. All good things. It also means you might not understand my involvement with my kids, but I'm not going to assume the worst at the get go. I think you definitely dodged a bullet, that judgement was kinda harsh. It's not like you have inhabited another planet and you were a kid once and had parents. You know how those relationships work.

8

Ugh I hate dating sites. For some women breeding is their entire identy. I suspect she's one of them. Move on, and be glad she didn't want to meet you.

Kojaksmom Level 8 June 12, 2018

At his age, it's probably safe to assume that she is past the breeding phase. That's not her reasoning (I think)

@legna you're probably right that sounds like a pretty lame excuse. However, she may also be the kind of woman who wants to be Little Mommy for the rest of her life.

7

No right or wrong. Just her thing.

bleurowz Level 8 June 12, 2018
7

It really depends. My last boyfriend was never married and had no children. I found out fairly quickly why. He was a malignant narcissist with delusions of Godhood. He also believed the only right way was his way; everyone else was wrong. When I cooked, if it wasn't done the way his mother made it, he would complain and get the recipe. The last straw was when I realized that he never told me the truth in anything. His explanation....... I knew it would hurt you.

I'm not saying you are the same way as I don't know you, however other women may have been burned one to many times and are hesitant on having a relation with an older man that has never been married.

kiramea Level 7 June 12, 2018

I experienced poetic justice with my narcissist. He died a gruesome death, alone. After he used me, hospitalized me, stalked me...yeah....he got what the universe intended for him.

And he wore that never married, no kids thing like a badge of honor. He was ttruly demented.

@Purplelotuspod I've had two malignant narcissist in my life; one was my second husband and the other the above boyfriend. My second husband also abused both our children, and when I found out about that I told him that I hope he dies a slow, very painful death. A couple of years later I found out that he had liver and bladder cancer so I guess I got my wish.

After I found out he passed (my oldest son is friends with his step-son), my youngest son wanted proof. I finally convinced him that he was dead after I personally spoke to the step-son. One of these days when I go to Wichita, KS to visit my daughter, my youngest son will go with me so he can personally piss on his grave.

7

It wouldn't necessarily be a red flag for me. It could be a major bonus. No worrying about blending families, for starters. I would be curious, though, just as I would be curious about the divorce(s) and kid(s) of anyone I might date. Getting to know each other is always a good start. Sounds like she wasn't willing to do that, so I'm guessing you dodged a bullet, as others have said.

7

It speaks to her own limitations, and how narrow her world view is, rather than the mindset of women in general. I expect she would be shocked to hear that I don't have children, and never wanted any. Probably a very good thing she said this up front, rather than continuing before finding out. This is her problem, not yours.

7

It would not be a red flag for me, but then I never had children, either. If someone was so inflexible that they could not look past a cultural difference, THAT would be a red flag.

6

Actually, "I've never been married with no kids," should be "I've never been married and have no kids," but aside from that, she was probably concerned that you would not understand her relationship with her children. Regardless of whether her children are grown or not, she could have a close relationship with them and there could be grandkids; she might feel that you could resent the time she desires to spend with them. In fact, the comment that they are grown up and out of the house denotes a naivete toward relationships of parents and grown offspring.

As far as never having been married . . . some people live together and do not marry, so that is not indicative of not being able to commit (which is a worry for some). This late in life, however, if a woman wanted to get married, she might feel that a man who has never lived with a woman in a longterm relationship might not adjust well to cohabiting. Heck, I was married for 25 years but have been single for so long, I would not adjust well to cohabiting and have no desire to get married. I am one of a growing minority for women my age.

Move on . . . you will get lots of "turn downs," and some will be for less of a reason than this. Some won't even give an answer/excuse.

6

It's not information that would immediately result in a disqualification as my potential future partner, but it would inspire some follow-up questions. There's a story there, I'm sure. I have a story about why I never had children of my own. I'd hate to be penalized before having an opportunity to expound.

Wiscogrrl Level 4 June 12, 2018
5

She is a closed person and not worthy of you.

Jolanta Level 8 June 12, 2018
5

Being a guy, my side of being single and dating and seeing the profiles i kinda get it. when i see the longest relationship and they are my age , has been 1 or 2 years, red flag. on the other side i have a kid, he is grown, i never stop being his dad, but i won't date a hellicopter parent, when the whole profile is kid pictures and grands, its a red flag for the other side of it, i like balance .

I agree! I don't like seeing profile pics of men with their grandchildren, not a big fan of little kids.

5

Nope. I'm also single and have never had kids.

5

When someone takes issue with any aspect of who you are as a reason not to move forward don’t fight it, they just shot a torpedo across your bow, wish them luck and say next.

5

It's B.S. You have to ignore it, mainly because you can't change it but more importantly because, if you've been dating forever you know that some women have all different kinds of rules: 1) You have to be divorced for a certain period of time before you're ready to date (how they can tell a total stranger when they are ready to date is beyond me) 2) If you don't have kids and never raised them you are not qualified to talk to or have any relationship with children (I'd love to know where this "science" comes from, just like anything else you've never done in your life, you can't possibly do it) 3) If you've never been married you must have commitment issues (impossible that you haven't met "the one" yet) 4) The ones who have read Men Are From Mars... or have gone to relationships classes and are following the script they learned (they dont' know how to have a relationship so they take this class, read the book etc and all of a sudden, "poof" they are experts, sadly if it's not spontaneous etc it doesn't work). You just have to be prepared to explain why it is youve never been married because it's normal for "her" to wonder what the catch is. As you would if you met a woman in a similar situation. Good luck. When my dating book comes out, I'll include your dilemma.

lerlo Level 8 June 12, 2018
5

no. looks like you had a good feeel for what you want in life. It could be a red flag for others but I think a few conversations would clarify if that were an issue or not

btroje Level 9 June 12, 2018
5

Most people get married and have kids so one mtght wonder what it is about you that kept you from doing that. The fact that I've been married and divorced 4 times sometimes causes people to wonder why my marriages all failed. While it is true that I wasn't willing to stay in unhealthy marriages, finding the right partner can be largely a matter of chance.

Adlitam Level 2 June 12, 2018

Amen to that, sister.

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